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Author Topic:   Silly Uncyclopedic Astrology
CoralFrequency
Knowflake

Posts: 1056
From:
Registered: Feb 2007

posted March 22, 2007 05:01 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for CoralFrequency     Edit/Delete Message
Planets

Mercury: You are always uncomfortably warm. If you are Taurus with Mercury rising this is a sign that you amount to nothing more than a broken-down Ford automobile. Stay away from Aries and definitely do consider joining the AA or AAA ASAP, OK?

Venus: You are a vile little ***** , yet you think that you are the goddess of sex and love, but that's because you haven't looked in the mirror lately. Face it, your days as a callgirl are sadly numbered. You're my fire, you're my desire.

Earth: You like staying close to home; those who claim you are "very down-to-earth" are only looking for a polite way to say that you bore them to tears. At least you're mostly harmless. (NOTE: This can well stand for the Moon as well).

Mars: You like chocolate. You like chocolate a little too much. This may be why you're as large as a big red planet. Quit the junk food and the quick-fix "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, Bratz are from Hell" relationship books or you'll never get your life back on track.

Jupiter: You are the berry used to make gin.

Saturn: You like jewelry, especially rings. Unfortunately for you, the only rings manufactured by Saturn Inc. are GM piston rings.

Uranus: You are a complete ass and a very large target for Klingons, one of which will kill you in some horrible way during some future episode of Star Trek.

Neptune: You are allergic to seafood. You spend most of your time leeching tunes online, and will never amount to much of anything more than a mouse potato. See also Napster.

Pluto: You are a dwarf with wild delusions that that stockpile of weapons-grade plutonium you've stashed away will make you a superpower someday. Nonetheless, you will amount to nothing, largely because the fallout is stunting your growth and development.

2003 UB313, AKA Gerald: Nobody notices you but when they do they make such a fuss that you'd think you were important.
http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Astrology

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CoralFrequency
Knowflake

Posts: 1056
From:
Registered: Feb 2007

posted March 22, 2007 05:03 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for CoralFrequency     Edit/Delete Message
Signs

Pisces (Fish): You have a talent for swimming but have not yet developed lungs. If you're reading this out of water then you're probably dead. Likes: plankton. Dislikes: Captain Birdseye, toilets.

Aries (Ram): You are not a born leader. You tend to follow in a group and be quite plain and unnoticeable. People tend to use you and you can be often taken for a ride. However you are dependable and can be counted on, unless you're a K-car. Likes: grass, large groups. Dislikes: getting your hair cut, being taken for a ride.

Taurus (Bull): Unlucky, you're the bull-headed Taurus. Thinking is not your strong point. I'm surprised if you can read this. Likes: goring things, spreading bull. Dislikes: the colour red, Spanish people.

Gemini (Twins): This one is easy, you have multiple personality disorder. You never make up your minds about anything but you're fun to have at parties. Likes: flowers, cars. Dislikes: cars, flowers.

Cancer (Crab): You have too much unsafe sex. Buy some condoms. Likes: unsafe sex, pinching people. Dislikes: lice, fishnets.

Leo (Lion): You are strong, clever, brave and have an unnerving passion for taking down large mammals. All the fat people recently left your neighbourhood. Likes: red meat, hair curlers. Dislikes: guns, gnus, snug and nugs.

Virgo (Virgin): You have an unbridled passion for Danish film stars who kill Orcs in their spare time. Likes: the Lord of the Rings. Dislikes: Swedish people.

Libra (Scales): Know it all. Likes: reading. Dislikes: contact with the opposite sex (they scare you).

Scorpio (Scorpion): You kill people for fun, and have quite a sting in your tail. Likes: the Rock, the Mummy Returns. Dislikes: Brendon Fraser.

Ophiuchus (Snake Bearer): A dude holding his snake, which, judging by your usage of the internet, you are too. He was invented in 1930 to **** off wishy-washy astrologers. Likes: ruining your **** , Neon Genesis Evangelion. Dislikes: going outside, talking to humans.

Sagittarius (Centaur): You are very in touch with your animal side. It could, in fact, be said that you like animals a little too much. You are very in touch with animals. Have I made myself clear yet? Likes: that should be obvious. People under the sign of Aries. Dislikes: anti-bestiality laws.

Capricorn (Goat): Goats aren't funny. You aren't funny. This one is quite pathetic. Just ignore it. Likes: un-funny things (like this). Dislikes: non-goat related things.

Aquarius (Water Carrier): You are blessed with a good memory, a large stomach and a bladder of seemingly infinite volume. Likes: liquids, tsunamis, 'Depends' under garments, Aquaman. Dislikes: warm days, the desert, straws.
http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Astrology

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CoralFrequency
Knowflake

Posts: 1056
From:
Registered: Feb 2007

posted March 22, 2007 05:05 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for CoralFrequency     Edit/Delete Message
Elements

Fire: You have a fiery personality or have an insatiable appetite.

Water: You are naturally gifted at swimming or wetting the bed.

Earth: You are patient and thoughtful or fat and slow.

Air: You have a breezy attitude to life or you are transparent.

Silicon: You have a natural gift for using computers or you're a complete nerd.

Francium: You have a tendency to eat frogs, snails and other icky things or you have many German visitors in your house.

Plutonium: You have an aggressive personality, prone to invading other countries, stockpiling weapons of mass destruction and operating torture chambers in Iraq. Alternatively, you're highly unstable. It is recomended that you never make eye contact with someone born around Plutonium. See also: Americium, George W. Bush.
http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Astrology

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CoralFrequency
Knowflake

Posts: 1056
From:
Registered: Feb 2007

posted March 22, 2007 05:07 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for CoralFrequency     Edit/Delete Message
Nutritional Information

Astrology can be bad for your health.

Do not take orally.

Astrology is not intended as a substitute to breast-feeding.

Do not mix with drinks containing caffeine, alcohol or water.

Don Carloni runs the show. Forgetting that could be bad for your health.
http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Astrology

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Bluemoon
Knowflake

Posts: 4456
From: Stafford, VA USA
Registered: Feb 2005

posted March 22, 2007 10:27 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Bluemoon     Edit/Delete Message
funny stuff, Coral

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