Thank you LeylaLeFay and Astro Junkie.I have looked at the synastry and composite and used a ton of books and online interpretations.
Basically what I was looking for was an intuitive approach from another.
I just wrote a bunch of stuff I deleted LOL
In typing the deleted stuff I realized I can't change anything and trying to understand the relationship through astrological means is just me still hoping for something that just isn't going to happen.
This relationship took years to develop online. Finally this spring/summer we met and spent 8 days together. Prior to the meeting, I would say he was my best friend, with decided sexual overtones that came and went. The trust level I had with him was one of the deepest I have ever had in my life with another. I am a widow and I didn't have the same level of trust with my husband even. Trust is a huge issue with me, and something that I am still working on.
I know I idealized him in many ways, and that has since diminished totally. He is just a man I allowed myself to fall in love with over time who now apparently has changed his feelings towards me. Chalk it up to a *I really should have known better* experience and try and get on with my life.
I am bitter and very hurt by the way this all went and SO damn angry at myself. We still have contact but he found himself all in love/lust with an old college friend in record time aprox a month after our visit.
Now he saves his phone money to talk to her and his time is extremely limited with me. In reality I was eliminated and that is that. End of debasing story LOL.
I am very aware of my own shortcomings and see the pattern of being attracted to emotionally distant men. For that reason I avoided letting myself have feelings for him for many years. He has this quality 200% as well as all that yummy Mars, Uranus Plutonian stuff. The deeper the better.. the strong silent types with all that repressed messy emotional energy.
I have the birth data of the other, and she feeds into his chart just peachy. He is Cap rising and she is a Cap.. Emotionally Repressed met his Ice queen, with her Moon, Sun and Merc in his 1st house. I am sure they will be very happy together.
Now I am left to try and be a better person and let go of my rage and jealousy, and I am not doing so well with that all at this time. I feel like I have been involved in a hit and run and I have only myself to blame.
We do make our own reality and draw the people we need, to grow and experience more of our potential. I just figured I didn't need anymore of my faith shattered. I figured I was past that, obviously not.
At this time, I am very focused on selling my home and some property I have to downsize in preparation for my future. Old age is thundering towards me. I am taking care of me and have let my dreams of sharing my life with another go, without becoming bitter and more cynical. In a nutshell maybe that is what I needed from all this. I am alone, and have to rely on me and that is that. That I have come to terms with, the bitter and cynical is more problematic LOL
I am very raw and hope that any comments that might come from any of you regarding my little tale of woe and opening up here like this will take that into consideration.