Also my husband's lack of emotional support, and lack of general support, and just pretty much being emotionless over the roaches...when I am super emotional.I decided I am not sleeping another night in that condo another night once it got to a certain point. Mostly staying at parent's place. But adjusting to the lack of privacy...I have NEEDS, okay? I went a long time not using my. (I won't say) Very sexually frustrated!
Other factors play in as well...Venus about to enter my 8th house...I had to tell my husband I'm bored with our sex life...and distance is not an excuse. He is more conservative than me I guess. I have to hurt his feelings so he gets where I am coming from and how he has done and said things to not make me not initiate.
Anything I was not getting in my relationships with husband...I was getting with my fantasies using my.....
And when I felt like I didn't have the privacy to do so anymore, while physically unable to get any from him...I realized I had a huge problem in this marriage. Lot's of long uncomfortable painful talks like every 3 days.
My job has been very rough this year...I feel like my job is so demanding that I can't get anything done in my personal life.
So then took off, me having the hots for co-worker. There has always been some kind of something there...but I really have had to face the music with this attraction....before it went rx, we have really locked eyes with each other a few times. I feel an emotional and physical attraction to this person.
I did fantasize about him one day in the summer, I was fighting and trying to change the subject in my mind. But nothing else was working...so I went for it. Afterwards I told my self that I can't do that again because I will make things at work get too weird. I was able to for quite some time...when I came back to work I tried to keep my cool, while feeling guilty. I said hi or hey to him one day...I don't think anyone else was around, but he said it back in a low tone that really surprised me.
I would start to me more embarrassed around him. Plus we barely get to talk since the director feels compelled to interrupt since we talked so much to each other last year. After a while we would start to break the ice with each other more.
Freaky thing is...I started to have dreams about him. One where he spooned me...another where I had most of my naked body presented to him.
The combo of being so sexually deprived, and him making me feel things more than my husband was at the time... I started to not not give a **** and put music on in my room and fantasize about him.
While this was going on...I also felt compelled to work on my own marriage more.
I do get these stalkhome syndrome crushes/lustfulness with men who are a lot older than me when I am so overworked, underappreciated and under effed and they are in an environment where I see them a lot.
Both of these men have Neptune exactly conjunct my moon sign....this attraction is super hard for me to shake when I see them at least once a week.
But now that Neptune is direct I think I can tone down my thirst for this man. Hopefully, who knows, I could be full of crap...time will tell. Plus our synastry says the attraction get bigger over time. Since my Pluto conjuncts Mars.
Anyways having the hots for a co-worker like that and not giving a **** is true downward spiraling to me.
Also two weeks after being married husband asks me to quit my job to go on the road with him. I said I needed two years. This is where I feel like "Jonah and the Whale" because the universe pushed me to my limit of going I can't wait that long...why does everything keep going wrong when I've worked so hard!? "Oh you don't want to go with your husband yet? Here is some BS from your job you insist you stay at for two more years!" "Oh that didn't push you to your breaking point of being with your husband sooner...here are some cockroaches" "Oh these things happen? it will get taken care of if I do the right thing and tell the landlord you say?....hahahahaaa WRONG. Still want to wait to be with your husband?" That why I feel like Jonah.
Also if I ever have kids...I don't think I want to teach them that if they do the right thing and follow the rules that they will be rewarded for it. It will not always be the case...you can do everything right and have everything go wrong. Because my husband will not appreciate me because I did something really awesome for him. People will not be nice to you if you are nice to them. People will not do their jobs when you ask for help. You can have your last apartment be a dump and not have bugs...then you can clean your new condo every day somewhere else and have cockroaches. I shed this belief that good things happen to good people more each year.
But you can eventually make life your 8!tch back if you life and that feels pretty awesome.
I've been freaking out about new chapter with husband...when life has been a nightmare so long.
But today on the phone I really felt like he does care, and would do anything for me...something I haven't felt in a long time from him.