Lately I realized that every meaningful relationship I had, had Pluto square Moon in Composite.
I have it with my mother and it makes sense to me, because I always kept on looking for similar relationships with friends or lovers.For me, Pluto/Moon was extremely symbiotic.
At first, this felt great - I shared everything, gave my whole self in the relationship. I could endlessly talk about my deepest anxieties. I was not alone in this world!
I wanted to merge with the person, we bought the same things, had the same looks.
Then the problems started.
Pluto/Moon allowed no difference and no space.
And no change. And no new people.
Having no room of one's own felt like a burden.
My mother used to search my diaries if I wrote something bad about her and then punished me for it.
Friends kept texting me messages all the time and get angry when I didn't reply instantly.
I felt extremely dependent, because the people knew so much about me, I was afraid of leaving them.
They could share my secrets. Or disgrace me publicly.
And although I hated the relationship, I felt unable to leave it. Because it felt so massively important.
These people fundamentally changed my life - and I changed theirs.
But where do we go from there?
You want to be the only one who brings change to the person you love. That's what my mother thought as well.
But when my teenage friends gave me inspiration for new styles and haircuts, she only cried severely.
And got very, very angry.
There's one thing she always screamed at me: You don't see how much other people are manipulating you!
You changed into something I don't recognize anymore.
But the actual manipulation was of course just happening while saying this to me.
I left home when I was 17, because I couldn't take it anymore.
Similar thing with two very great and dramatic friendships.
At the end they just wanted to hurt me, because they felt I wanted to go elsewhere - and they wanted to stay where they are with me.
I don't miss them. It was a painful experience.
But I learned to trust in myself and care more for being a self instead of just giving into the warm easy lies of symbiosis.
My Mom and I talk again and today, after so many years of fighting and my going through a therapy - we have a working relationship.
Intimate but not to close, because I don't allow it.
She would like to move me back in but I refuse to even sleep over at my parents house, because the whole compulsive thing starts again then.
I have Moon trine Pluto exact in my Natal.
Venus is conjunct Pluto at 8 degrees.
My Sun and Mercury are in the 8th House.
MC is in Scorpio conjunct Saturn.
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"What will survive of us is love"
Sun -- VIRGO 25*
Moon -- GEMINI 28*
in a T-Square with 12th House Neptune
ASC -- CAPRICORN
VENUS -- LIBRA
MARS -- SAGRITARIUS