I have put this first post back up - so the "update" makes more sense. Thank you again so much for your help!
Hi All! I need some advice on my relationship.
I'm really confused and don't know whether it's me or whether it's him, or whether it's just both of us failing to understand each other.
So...... I'll start with the good things I guess lol
We've been together for 2.5 years. For the first 6 months we were physically together, living in the same city. However he had to move temporarily and the past 1.5 years have been long distance.
I know that any long distance relationship can be hard, and we've had some problems, but we're very much in love, we've always been extra close ever since we met and we've made plans to get married, have kids and spend our lives together. There has never really been a question about this in his mind or mine. We both seriously talked about all of this and we both wanted and want to be together forever.
In October next year we're supposed to be buying a house and moving in together..... but until then..... it's still long distance.... and...
yeah.... ummmm this is kind of hard to talk about, because in a sense it seems like something that should not be such a big issue... but it's become an "issue"... and it makes me question things between us at times.
Basically... most of the time we've been together we've never really had serious arguments. I usually talk to him for hours and we completely understand each other and he is very supportive.
But a few months ago that changed... We had a major blow up... We eventually made up... Then again, a couple of months after that we had another fight... and again made up... and now at Christmas (of all times) we're in the middle of another messy situation.
All of these fights have more or less been on the same topic... and every time it just goes on and on and on... He will not understand my side.. and I absolutely do not understand his side... He's a Taurus so he can be stubborn... and he will just continue on telling me what his point of view is... and acting as though he is obviously "right" and my take on things is obviously "silly" or "unfair" on him.
We are both working two jobs at the moment, so we've been pretty busy but still talk for several hours at night.
The first argument started over photos.... (I know.. it sounds petty right? But things have escalated to something so much crazier than you could ever imagine)...
At first he was just seemingly "annoyed" that I'm not sending him enough photos and he misses me.... so OK.. fair enough. I sent more photos! I'm a pretty artistic person with all my Neptune influence (and actually so is he.. we both like to draw)... I usually play with my photos, with the lighting, use different effects etc...
Whenever I sent him photos .. he always seemed happy.. he always complimented me and everything seemed fine...
But everything... was NOT fine.
So, when I really never expected this... he wrote me an email of about three pages explaining that he just can't deal with what I am doing anymore... That he really wants to see me... and feel as though I am there with him... and that the photos I am sending him don't look "real". This just went on and on... asking me whether I am doing this intentionally to hurt him, and totally blowing things out of proportion.
We argued over this because I took offence at his attitude problem and the way he handled the situation - plus sending me such an aggressive email over this, instead of just talking to me. It seemed like a petty thing from my perspective... whereas to him this was (and is) a major problem.
My impression was that the thing that bothered him most were the filters I used... and that he wanted more "natural" photos - so that he sees me more clearly I guess...
So I stopped using filters - and sent him normal photos and videos... for the next two months. Again he acted like he loves my photos, thanked me, complimented me, told me he loved me.. never really acted upset...
And again.. a while after... he blew up, out of the blue.
Again about the photos...
This time his tone was more disappointed and depressed.. saying "I've told you about this before.. and how much it means to me... and no matter what I say you keep doing the same thing etc etc"
Again he was saying that he is very hurt because he wants to see me... he's scared of losing me.. he misses me.. and he can't really see me properly because I'm using effects and filters.
So I said at the time: "Actually I have changed! And I haven't used any filters at all... and I am completely stunned at what you're talking about right now and why you're so hurt over this..once again"
He didn't believe me back then.. because he kept telling me the pictures are obviously blurry... that there are blurry parts... that he zooms in on my eyes and can't see my eyes properly.. that I'm doing something to the photos .. That he has read articles about iPhone X (which I have) and it's supposed to have a great camera... but my photos are blurry and what not.
Honestly you guys! I did nothing to the photos at that point. They were just normal photos like you would see on anyone's instagram.
So I tried to explain to him... that what he wants.. are some sort of perfect, high resolution, professional photos... that would be taken in a professional photo shoot - and I am not a model.. to have that equipment available on a daily basis.
Nor do I have the time to spend hours... find the best lighting and angles to get the best possible photos - for him to be happy......
I was really just starting to get so frustrated with the problems he has with my photos....
And even more frustrated with his attitude of being totally quiet and pretending he likes the photos I'm sending .. and then always blowing up about it months later... in an arrogant tone like "well I have been patient and I've put up with this for so long... and its hurting me... and you're still doing it"
So we went in circles arguing about this.... him saying I'm basically lying and don't really love him.. and don't want to spend any time taking nice photos because I don't have time for him... and me saying that actually I have spent time, and I tried my best.... but I'm not a professional model and don't have photographers following me around with $3000 high resolution cameras.
Eventually... he believed that I was not lying about anything.
But then he took it upon himself to start giving me advice on "how to take better photos"...... which only ticked me off all the more and created more arguments.
I understand that being long distance, photos, videos, chatting and Skyping - is all we have right now... and I understand that he just wants to see me I guess... but the way he is acting is very frustrating and upsetting...
Fast forward to this Christmas.... things got a bit uglier... because this time, he again started an argument over photos... but now... he wants...
wait for it...
Nudes.
I don't want to hurt him... I don't want to make him feel bad... But this is just not something I feel comfortable with doing. I know many people have done this when they were long distance. I definitely trust him with my photos, so that's not the issue. But so many things can happen online, like things being leaked or seen by accident... and I just don't like the idea of it at all.
His behaviour this time around has really topped the charts in terms of the sheer emotional break down that he has had over the fact that I haven't (and probably won't) send him nude photos. Picture.. a 5 year old at the local mall, if his parents tell him he can't have his favourite chocolate ice cream... and he throws a tantrum - kicking, screaming and crying..
That's about the level of the drama I'm facing these days.
He has said things to me like.. "you're emotionally abusing me" "this is not normal.. we can't have sex.. so we should do other things that are sexual like sending photos"... "this is torture.. you're torturing and abusing me"
I agree that we should do more sexual things. I miss him too on that level... However.... I actually got a mild concussion these holidays. It is not serious but it's been making me dizzy and a bit nauseous... and I'm just not at all in a sexual mood. I asked him to be a bit patient until I feel better in a couple of weeks... but he did not take well to that, because he feels lonely and ... yeah..
I'm not sure if this is his Pisces mars or something else... but for whatever reason he feels very guilty about masturbating to porn. I have never had a problem with this and I've never asked him not to watch porn... but he sees it as betraying our relationships in some way. And he feels like my not sending him photos... puts him in a really bad situation ...
My gut feeling is that ... because of the second job he has involves a lot more social contact... he has probably been around more attractive women than usual... and maybe feels guilty about being attracted to other women. But I really resent the fact that he is projecting this onto me.. as though it's my fault that he is attracted to other women... because I haven't sent him nudes.
He never said this ^ but this my feeling and impression.
Anyway.. I'm really tired fo arguing on and on about photos... I also have a mild concussion as I said and I'm not in this mood at all.... I don't want this to affect our relationship. I do want us to be sexual in some way... but I don't necessarily think that we have to send nude photos for that..
My biggest problem and the reason I'm very hurt, is the way that he has handled this. He just seems very childish and unreasonable.. and he won't really hear me out... He is saying that I am the one being childish... sigh..
It's just hard to understand why this has blown up so much... We are very close emotionally and have a an awesome mental connection.. and I've always been really physically attracted to him (and so has he)..
But I think being long distance is getting to him. I don't like feeling pressured into something and emotionally manipulated... and I don't like that he doesn't understand how frustrating all these "photo-arguments" have been for me...
When I tried to explain.. he basically said "No. I'm not listening. I just don't care... Because this is not ok"
I've never seen him be so unreasonable and keep cutting me off in conversation. It's very upsetting and off putting... But I'm in love and don't want this to ruin everything that is going so well in our relationship.. and all our plans for the future.
I asked him whether he would behave this way in real life... if he was "in the mood" and I was unwell at the time... I asked if he would pressure me and throw a tantrum over it... He said "No" that he would never do that... because in real life, I would be there.. he would see me every day... and he would have no reason. But when he can't see me at all.. and I'm always sending him "blurry photos" (which is ridiculous! because they weren't blurry) he gets annoyed.....
I would really like your advice about these arguments... I'm not sure what to think anymore. Is this some sort of power play? Is it even about the photos really? I'm lost and I'm so tired.... I can't really have a normal conversation with him right now, because he would keep bringing this up - so I told him I want space for a few days while my concussion heals.
I'll post the composite and synastry charts in the next post. I'm sorry that this is so long.. but I'm just thinking about this on and on and I'm upset that it's having such a negative on our relationship. I don't like the side to his personality I've seen through these arguments .... and he makes me feel "threatened"...
Like he is threatening a breakup if he doesn't get his way....
I told him this also.. I asked if he was breaking up with me.. and he said no, that it never crossed his mind, but took my comment the wrong way like I'm implying that I want to break up.
sigh.... It's just frustrating... I'm not sure exactly what I'm asking... Help!
Please Help!
Thank you