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T O P I C R E V I E WMotherkonfessorI dont fit here. I don't think I fit anywhere. I am creating an internal schism just to cope with my outer reality versus the outer....learning to function in this reality I have manifested by the choice to come out here.I laugh and joke and entertain the people around me and inside I am weeping with loneliness.I am not depressed..that's not it. This is just a rant, I guess. I have no meaningful connections in the "outer" world and I feel terribly disconnected. My emotions were awakened after 2 years of denial and now I find myself wanting, needing, desiring REAL contact with others and its just not to be had.I try, I try....try to be patient, try to be hopeful, to "entertain bliss" and live life moment by moment. Nostalgia for a time that never was, a home I have never seen sloughs off me in waves. My chart, my soul and life numbers, my name lexigrams all point to the same thing- I am alone, I will be alone, I am a seeker on a path few travel. The whole "hermit on the mountain top" schtick.Why me? Why this life? Why can't I be like "all the other girls"? Why can't I relate? Why have I always KNOWN I will never marry, never have my own home, always spend my life moving moving moving .......aaaaaaaaaaaag sorry to whine....i just needed to........MKTINKOh MK. I know. I know. I am not a fiter-in either. I've always felt as though I'm from another world or time or place. Somedays it takes sooo much energy just trying to appear as close to normal as possible. And then I just end up feeling like a fake. Yesterday, in the supermarket of all places, I heard a song - "everybody's just a stranger, but that's the danger in going my own way". I have no idea who it was or the name of the song but I had to stop myself from crying right there in the fruit and veggie section. Often I too wonder why I can't "be like the other girls". But you know, when I think about it, do I REALLY want too? Probably not. It would be nice. A whole lot easier. But it wouldn't be me. It wouldn't get me to where I really want to go.You certainly seem to be on a spiritual/emotional pilgramage out there MK. Enlightening, and you will learn and grow to be certain - but it ain't going to be easy. In the meantime, rant on. You are not alone. I hear you. tinkRandallJoin the club. Welcome--from one misfit to another. ------------------"Never mentally imagine for another that which you would not want to experience for yourself, since the mental image you send out inevitably comes back to you." Rebecca ClarkpixelpixieBut MK~ Not to be the eternal optimist, but don't you know it is your different-ness that is your beakon of light?My Gawd, you would not get the same kind of reacton if you were like "them". Besides, maybe "them" is just a fitting in act too. Specialness isn't sought by tarot or numerology or astrology, those are tools that can help define your individual search, and they do help, but if you have a problem with what they say to you, then you change it. If you embrace the hermit-you at this point in time, then by all means, go to it. But if in the future, you'd like to let a few in for whatever their purpose may be, do that too. Limits are self imposed and self actualized. But damn, girl, you are awesome, and if that means we have to take pilgrimages up to see you on that mountain, then it is gonna happen.I am such a cow. I just alienated someone here based upon a sentance. How sh!tty am I? I clung on to negativity and forcefulness and totally ignored the point that was being made, bacause it wasn't being made how I wanted to hear it. I SHOULD BE A HERMIT, as my Mars conjunct Sun gets me in trouble....You on the other hand, can say things with clarity and tact and intelligence. You rock. So shut up already. Go make monkey love with your Scorpio. yousayYep me too. I would like to know why as well but now is not the time. I know that decisions I made in my younger years have come back to bite me in the backside. OUCHTINKOh pixel. God bless you. You can always put a grin on a miserable situation. I sure hope MK reads that.I don't know our lovely MK's exact situation or age but as I've gotten older I feel a little bit better a little bit more often about the misfit thing. I hope that happens for you too, MK. As my great-granny use to say, "the more I see of other people the more I like myself". Virgo-AriesArtistMK-Well, I can certainly empathize with your situation.There's this really cool song that has summed up it for me in the past:Red Hot Chili Peppers "Under the Bridge"Under the BridgeSometimes I feelLike I don't have a partnerSometimes I feelLike my only friendIs the city I live inThe city of angelsLonely as I amTogether we cryI drive on her streets'Cause she's my companionI walk through her hills'Cause she knows who I amShe sees my good deedsAnd she kisses me windyI never worryNow that is a lieI don't ever want to feelLike I did that dayTake me to the place I loveTake me all the wayIt's hard to believeThat there's nobody out thereIt's hard to believeThat I'm all aloneAt least I have her loveThe city she loves meLonely as I amTogether we cryI don't ever want to feelLike I did that dayTake me to the place I loveTake me all that wayUnder the bridge downtownIs where I drew some bloodUnder the bridge downtownI could not get enoughUnder the bridge downtownForgot about my loveUnder the bridge downtownI gave my life awayIf you've heard it, think on the lyrics a bit. If you haven't I reccomend you download it ASAP. Another good song, to take you away from your personal isolation is:Goo Goo Dolls"Name" And even though the moment passed me by I still can't turn away 'Cause all the dreams you never thought you'd lose Got tossed along the way And letters that you never meant to send Get lost or thrown awayAnd now we're grown up orphans That never knew their names We don't belong to no one That's a shameBut if you could hide beside me Maybe for a while And I won't tell no one your name And I won't tell em' your nameAnd scars are souvenirs you never loseThe past is never far Did you lose yourself somewhere out thereDid you get to be a star And don't it make you sad to know that lifeIs more than who we areWe grew up way too fast And now there's nothing to believeReruns all become our history A tired song keeps playing on a tired radioAnd I won't tell no one your name And I won't tell em' your name I won't tell em' your name Mmm, mmm, mmm,I won't tell em' your name… Ow!I think about you all the time But I don't need the same It's lonely where you are come back down, And I won't tell em your nameAnd last, but not least:Shawn Colvin"Nothin' on Me"Well I don't tell jokes And I don't take notes You been sayin there ain't much hope You got nothin on me I got friends uptown And they don't talk down They been keepin me safe and sound We got somethin to be So in case you hadn't noticed I'm alright Not like I was before Things used to be so hopeless But not tonight Tonight I'm walkin out that door I'm not gonna cry I'm wavin goodbye And I know this time You got nothin on me Well it ain't that tough Just more of the usual stuff One heartache is more than enough There ain't nothin to see I got friends uptown And they still come 'round They been keepin me safe and sound We got somethin to be So don't you try to save me With your advice Or turn me into somebody else Cuz I'm not crazy and you're not nice Baby keep it to yourself I'm not gonna cry And I'm wavin goodbye And I know this time You got nothin on meHope this helps.... -------------------K"Most people love with restraintAs if they were someday to hateWe hated gently, carefullyAs if we were someday to love"-Venus Trines at MidnighttrillianTink, I think I love your Granny. Pixel, I know I love you. MK...all those 'signs' may indicate, but they do not compel. You fit in here just fine, I always enjoy your posts and your insights.Look to history and you will see that it was those who 'didn't fit in' who brought us the greatest insights, greatest art works, greatest poetry and literature. Do you think Van Gogh or Toulouse-Lautrec were like all the other boys? Do you think Jesus was like all the other boys? Edgar Allen Poe?I understand feeling lonely, and out of step, and not fitting in. But with time I have become more at ease with myself. I like my individuality, and if that separates me from some, so be it.You're a bright light shining, and pixel is right, you rock. So rant all you like, the rest of us misfits will be happy to listen. trillianVAA, "Under The Bridge" is about Anthony's heroin addiction... A cool song, though.Xelena Benfrom the ultimate outsider:"Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocre minds. The latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence." Albert Einsteinhi MK - i would ask you to try not to predefine yourself - by thinking you'll always be alone, etc. - remember about your power to self-fulfill your own prophecies!if i remember correctly you're out in the wilderness spending a lot of time alone, without a support system. maybe your heart is taking this quiet time to give you a hint of your next direction - finding a community of like-minded individuals. they DO exist, all of us here at LL are a testament to that, as farflung as we are. i get the impression most of us here consider ourselves outside of the box in one way or another (or all ways!) - it's hard to get up each day and feel forced by society to fit into a certain mold, and forced by your soul to find your own way. but when you can stand on your own feet the partnerships you create in the end are so much more rewarding - and you do get back what you put out there in terms of energy - like attracts like, as they say. do you do any creative meditation, like writing and drawing? i like what they call "mind-mapping" - using a combination of media and writing to create a vision of what you want to attract into your life - where your priorities lay for the next step of the journey. it helps me to focus and feel a little more calm about where i'm at. plys it's fun to make a mess.keep talking - reaching out is a good thing. we're all here for you.xoxox,xelenalioneye68MK, I can completely relate to the sentiments in your post. I got a lump in my throat reading it. I too have indicators in my chart that I'm meant sail life's seas alone, and that saddens me very much because I desparately need feedback from other people. But they don't "get" me most the time, so I meet with their disapproval more often than not. 35 years old, never been married...a string of unsuccessful relationship, each one made me feel stifled while in them because I tried to be a square peg in a round hole. But I keep trying anyway. What else can we do? When you're cursed/gifted with an unusually keen sense of perspective, you're isolated by the realization that most others aren't interested in it. Most others are still trying to define themselves, which makes them rather self absorbed, not interested in the bigger picture. They'll get beyond that eventually. I think many of us here at LL feel the same way as you. That's why we come here. That's why YOU come here.I, for one find your perspective insightful, witty, mature, enlightened, non-self obsessive, and very refreshing. Heck, you're a cool chick! If I knew you in real life, I'd be your homey. We're a rare breed. Would you rather be mediocre? Nah, I doubt it. pixelpixieThey gave me 'the look'When I said I was a witch.Like they'd burn if I willed it, like they'd burn me if they willed it.But the decency was raised and they were raised differentlyThey hide and laugh at what they are unsure of.But what in this world are we certain of?Most of us just want to be diseased.In a sick little way we try to die everyday.But we search for love to save us from being free.I need rhythm in my lifeI need stark madnessI feel the most while stuck to someone's boot.I rageand I raveand I'll take it to my grave.Yet I cringe at the thought of being mute.I can't remember other loves, for fear that I will love it.I can't remember who I was thenI know she was unsure and she acted like a wh0reand she learned to be a martyr toward men.I kind of lift the fog and at times I truly seeI sort out all the sacred things, from mighty mediocrity.But I choose to dwell on fate, to swelland yell and tell on fate.Send on something that's okay, I'm being a good girl today.talaithwitches and wh0res oh my!society permits us the narrowest of definitions for what it means to be a girl.when you feel your power, do not run, do not be afraid.bask and bathe in it.....it is good. and it is nothing like what they tell us is 'acceptable', or what it means, to be a girl.layers upon layers of effort exist at diminishing this truth.peel, my love, peel.pixelpixieOh MY! Indeed!We're not in Kansas anymore, Toto... Were we ever?The technicolor comes on and the ruby slippers glow so much, you can see what's under the dress reflected in their shiny surface!Maybe if they weren't stolen in the first place, Dorothy wouldn't have to define her positions so much.talaithahhhh Glenda....wherever are you when we need you?sigh... NephthysDearest Mother K ~ You were the first person to reply to my "Viral Infection + Vegetarian Support Please" thread, and then you replied again and gave me really nice support. Have you ever thought that maybe you are higher evolved than "the other girls" and that's why you can't relate? Did you know there are some people who would LOVE to have some alone time and never get it? Make each day count; every day do whatever it is you LOVE to do. Make each day the best you can. Be happy with who you are inside. You never know what is around the corner; keep passing open windows; and remember, your life can change with every single breath you take! ***PEACE**LOVE**LIGHT**HOPE**FAITH**JOY***~Magic, Miracles & Marshmallow Dreams! MotherkonfessorThe outpouring of love and support you have all given me in this post is incredible. What would I do without you all?Thank you for validating me thank you for listening to me thank you for providing me with a place I can vent and whine and not feel small, vulnerable and demanding for taking up pixels in the great cyber world.I know I don't want, nor need, to be like "all the other girls." Its just an excuse, a martyr complex to abuse my S-Elf when I start feeling as if I am powerful, and in charge of my destiny. Its an outside "authority figure" paradigm that I KNOW is programmed from my childhood when I was told to STOP being smart, stop being bossy, stop pouting (showing emotions) because my actions made others uncomfortable.Sad, isn't it? When as children (usually girls, because its still more ok for boys to express authority and power as youths) when are made to reform ourselves into the image society says is acceptable.I have blamed myself my whole life that I was SOOOOOOO unattractive that no male would ever "want" me. That's so utterly futile, and ridiculous in the scope of what I am capable of. I have always been searching for my mission, my life's work, knowing and feeling that once I found "IT" my toils with typical female roles- lover, wife, mother, homemaker, nurturer- would lessen in urgency. Still, I wait for the call.I get so frustrated because neither has the mission materialized, nor has its polar opposite- the chance to work out those male/female issues has not manifested either.Thus....I am frustrated, stymied, and still lonely.I know that the tools we use in the quest for self understanding- astrology, tarot, runes, Chaldean numberology, lexigraming, scrying with chicken entrails- are not "THE" answer. They are merely trail markers on the path. But if all arrows point to the same direction, its difficult to refute the evidence.I don't want to be guilty of self fulfilling prophecy. And yesterday, I was feeling emotionally vulnerable and sensitive. Today, the emotions are still there...I am just better able to cope.That's because of you here...every one of you who have responded with love and encouragement and advice. Thanks, with all of my heart.....MK (I was totally kidding about the chicken entrails.........you all know that, right?)pixelpixie*tenderly wipes the chicken guts off her hands*Huh?! What do you mean you were kidding? The small intestine here says you will find love with a hormone ( or is that a mormon?) before the next waning moon.You DO rock. Glad you found the perspective we have seen all along in you. to MK.
I laugh and joke and entertain the people around me and inside I am weeping with loneliness.
I am not depressed..that's not it. This is just a rant, I guess. I have no meaningful connections in the "outer" world and I feel terribly disconnected. My emotions were awakened after 2 years of denial and now I find myself wanting, needing, desiring REAL contact with others and its just not to be had.
I try, I try....try to be patient, try to be hopeful, to "entertain bliss" and live life moment by moment. Nostalgia for a time that never was, a home I have never seen sloughs off me in waves.
My chart, my soul and life numbers, my name lexigrams all point to the same thing- I am alone, I will be alone, I am a seeker on a path few travel. The whole "hermit on the mountain top" schtick.
Why me? Why this life? Why can't I be like "all the other girls"? Why can't I relate? Why have I always KNOWN I will never marry, never have my own home, always spend my life moving moving moving .......
aaaaaaaaaaaag sorry to whine....i just needed to........
MK
Often I too wonder why I can't "be like the other girls". But you know, when I think about it, do I REALLY want too? Probably not. It would be nice. A whole lot easier. But it wouldn't be me. It wouldn't get me to where I really want to go.
You certainly seem to be on a spiritual/emotional pilgramage out there MK. Enlightening, and you will learn and grow to be certain - but it ain't going to be easy. In the meantime, rant on. You are not alone. I hear you.
tink
------------------"Never mentally imagine for another that which you would not want to experience for yourself, since the mental image you send out inevitably comes back to you." Rebecca Clark
I don't know our lovely MK's exact situation or age but as I've gotten older I feel a little bit better a little bit more often about the misfit thing. I hope that happens for you too, MK. As my great-granny use to say, "the more I see of other people the more I like myself".
There's this really cool song that has summed up it for me in the past:
Red Hot Chili Peppers "Under the Bridge"Under the BridgeSometimes I feelLike I don't have a partnerSometimes I feelLike my only friendIs the city I live inThe city of angelsLonely as I amTogether we cry
I drive on her streets'Cause she's my companionI walk through her hills'Cause she knows who I amShe sees my good deedsAnd she kisses me windyI never worryNow that is a lie
I don't ever want to feelLike I did that dayTake me to the place I loveTake me all the way
It's hard to believeThat there's nobody out thereIt's hard to believeThat I'm all aloneAt least I have her loveThe city she loves meLonely as I amTogether we cry
I don't ever want to feelLike I did that dayTake me to the place I loveTake me all that way
Under the bridge downtownIs where I drew some bloodUnder the bridge downtownI could not get enoughUnder the bridge downtownForgot about my loveUnder the bridge downtownI gave my life away
If you've heard it, think on the lyrics a bit. If you haven't I reccomend you download it ASAP. Another good song, to take you away from your personal isolation is:Goo Goo Dolls"Name" And even though the moment passed me by I still can't turn away 'Cause all the dreams you never thought you'd lose Got tossed along the way And letters that you never meant to send Get lost or thrown away
And now we're grown up orphans That never knew their names We don't belong to no one That's a shame
But if you could hide beside me Maybe for a while And I won't tell no one your name And I won't tell em' your name
And scars are souvenirs you never loseThe past is never far Did you lose yourself somewhere out thereDid you get to be a star And don't it make you sad to know that lifeIs more than who we are
We grew up way too fast And now there's nothing to believeReruns all become our history A tired song keeps playing on a tired radioAnd I won't tell no one your name And I won't tell em' your name I won't tell em' your name Mmm, mmm, mmm,
I won't tell em' your name… Ow!
I think about you all the time But I don't need the same It's lonely where you are come back down, And I won't tell em your name
And last, but not least:Shawn Colvin"Nothin' on Me"Well I don't tell jokes And I don't take notes You been sayin there ain't much hope You got nothin on me I got friends uptown And they don't talk down They been keepin me safe and sound We got somethin to be
So in case you hadn't noticed I'm alright Not like I was before Things used to be so hopeless But not tonight Tonight I'm walkin out that door
I'm not gonna cry I'm wavin goodbye And I know this time You got nothin on me
Well it ain't that tough Just more of the usual stuff One heartache is more than enough There ain't nothin to see
I got friends uptown And they still come 'round They been keepin me safe and sound We got somethin to be
So don't you try to save me With your advice Or turn me into somebody else Cuz I'm not crazy and you're not nice Baby keep it to yourself
I'm not gonna cry And I'm wavin goodbye And I know this time You got nothin on me
Hope this helps....
-------------------K"Most people love with restraintAs if they were someday to hateWe hated gently, carefullyAs if we were someday to love"-Venus Trines at Midnight
Pixel, I know I love you.
MK...all those 'signs' may indicate, but they do not compel. You fit in here just fine, I always enjoy your posts and your insights.
Look to history and you will see that it was those who 'didn't fit in' who brought us the greatest insights, greatest art works, greatest poetry and literature. Do you think Van Gogh or Toulouse-Lautrec were like all the other boys? Do you think Jesus was like all the other boys? Edgar Allen Poe?
I understand feeling lonely, and out of step, and not fitting in. But with time I have become more at ease with myself. I like my individuality, and if that separates me from some, so be it.
You're a bright light shining, and pixel is right, you rock. So rant all you like, the rest of us misfits will be happy to listen.
"Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocre minds. The latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence." Albert Einstein
hi MK -
i would ask you to try not to predefine yourself - by thinking you'll always be alone, etc. - remember about your power to self-fulfill your own prophecies!
if i remember correctly you're out in the wilderness spending a lot of time alone, without a support system. maybe your heart is taking this quiet time to give you a hint of your next direction - finding a community of like-minded individuals. they DO exist, all of us here at LL are a testament to that, as farflung as we are.
i get the impression most of us here consider ourselves outside of the box in one way or another (or all ways!) - it's hard to get up each day and feel forced by society to fit into a certain mold, and forced by your soul to find your own way. but when you can stand on your own feet the partnerships you create in the end are so much more rewarding - and you do get back what you put out there in terms of energy - like attracts like, as they say. do you do any creative meditation, like writing and drawing? i like what they call "mind-mapping" - using a combination of media and writing to create a vision of what you want to attract into your life - where your priorities lay for the next step of the journey. it helps me to focus and feel a little more calm about where i'm at. plys it's fun to make a mess.
keep talking - reaching out is a good thing. we're all here for you.
xoxox,
xelena
When you're cursed/gifted with an unusually keen sense of perspective, you're isolated by the realization that most others aren't interested in it. Most others are still trying to define themselves, which makes them rather self absorbed, not interested in the bigger picture. They'll get beyond that eventually. I think many of us here at LL feel the same way as you. That's why we come here. That's why YOU come here.
I, for one find your perspective insightful, witty, mature, enlightened, non-self obsessive, and very refreshing. Heck, you're a cool chick! If I knew you in real life, I'd be your homey. We're a rare breed. Would you rather be mediocre? Nah, I doubt it.
society permits us the narrowest of definitions for what it means to be a girl.
when you feel your power, do not run, do not be afraid.
bask and bathe in it.....it is good.
and it is nothing like what they tell us is 'acceptable', or what it means, to be a girl.
layers upon layers of effort exist at diminishing this truth.
peel, my love, peel.
sigh...
You were the first person to reply to my "Viral Infection + Vegetarian Support Please" thread, and then you replied again and gave me really nice support.
Have you ever thought that maybe you are higher evolved than "the other girls" and that's why you can't relate? Did you know there are some people who would LOVE to have some alone time and never get it?
Make each day count; every day do whatever it is you LOVE to do. Make each day the best you can. Be happy with who you are inside. You never know what is around the corner; keep passing open windows; and remember, your life can change with every single breath you take!
***PEACE**LOVE**LIGHT**HOPE**FAITH**JOY***
~Magic, Miracles & Marshmallow Dreams!
Thank you for validating me thank you for listening to me thank you for providing me with a place I can vent and whine and not feel small, vulnerable and demanding for taking up pixels in the great cyber world.
I know I don't want, nor need, to be like "all the other girls." Its just an excuse, a martyr complex to abuse my S-Elf when I start feeling as if I am powerful, and in charge of my destiny. Its an outside "authority figure" paradigm that I KNOW is programmed from my childhood when I was told to STOP being smart, stop being bossy, stop pouting (showing emotions) because my actions made others uncomfortable.
Sad, isn't it? When as children (usually girls, because its still more ok for boys to express authority and power as youths) when are made to reform ourselves into the image society says is acceptable.
I have blamed myself my whole life that I was SOOOOOOO unattractive that no male would ever "want" me. That's so utterly futile, and ridiculous in the scope of what I am capable of.
I have always been searching for my mission, my life's work, knowing and feeling that once I found "IT" my toils with typical female roles- lover, wife, mother, homemaker, nurturer- would lessen in urgency. Still, I wait for the call.
I get so frustrated because neither has the mission materialized, nor has its polar opposite- the chance to work out those male/female issues has not manifested either.
Thus....I am frustrated, stymied, and still lonely.
I know that the tools we use in the quest for self understanding- astrology, tarot, runes, Chaldean numberology, lexigraming, scrying with chicken entrails- are not "THE" answer. They are merely trail markers on the path. But if all arrows point to the same direction, its difficult to refute the evidence.
I don't want to be guilty of self fulfilling prophecy. And yesterday, I was feeling emotionally vulnerable and sensitive. Today, the emotions are still there...I am just better able to cope.
That's because of you here...every one of you who have responded with love and encouragement and advice.
Thanks, with all of my heart.....
(I was totally kidding about the chicken entrails.........you all know that, right?)
Huh?! What do you mean you were kidding? The small intestine here says you will find love with a hormone ( or is that a mormon?) before the next waning moon.
You DO rock. Glad you found the perspective we have seen all along in you. to MK.
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