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Motherkonfessor
Knowflake

Posts: 1140
From:
Registered: Oct 2003

posted April 18, 2004 09:42 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Motherkonfessor     Edit/Delete Message
I dont fit here. I don't think I fit anywhere. I am creating an internal schism just to cope with my outer reality versus the outer....learning to function in this reality I have manifested by the choice to come out here.

I laugh and joke and entertain the people around me and inside I am weeping with loneliness.

I am not depressed..that's not it. This is just a rant, I guess. I have no meaningful connections in the "outer" world and I feel terribly disconnected. My emotions were awakened after 2 years of denial and now I find myself wanting, needing, desiring REAL contact with others and its just not to be had.

I try, I try....try to be patient, try to be hopeful, to "entertain bliss" and live life moment by moment. Nostalgia for a time that never was, a home I have never seen sloughs off me in waves.

My chart, my soul and life numbers, my name lexigrams all point to the same thing- I am alone, I will be alone, I am a seeker on a path few travel. The whole "hermit on the mountain top" schtick.

Why me? Why this life? Why can't I be like "all the other girls"? Why can't I relate? Why have I always KNOWN I will never marry, never have my own home, always spend my life moving moving moving .......


aaaaaaaaaaaag sorry to whine....i just needed to........

MK

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TINK
Knowflake

Posts: 3831
From: New England
Registered: Mar 2003

posted April 18, 2004 10:15 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for TINK     Edit/Delete Message
Oh MK. I know. I know. I am not a fiter-in either. I've always felt as though I'm from another world or time or place. Somedays it takes sooo much energy just trying to appear as close to normal as possible. And then I just end up feeling like a fake. Yesterday, in the supermarket of all places, I heard a song - "everybody's just a stranger, but that's the danger in going my own way". I have no idea who it was or the name of the song but I had to stop myself from crying right there in the fruit and veggie section.

Often I too wonder why I can't "be like the other girls". But you know, when I think about it, do I REALLY want too? Probably not. It would be nice. A whole lot easier. But it wouldn't be me. It wouldn't get me to where I really want to go.

You certainly seem to be on a spiritual/emotional pilgramage out there MK. Enlightening, and you will learn and grow to be certain - but it ain't going to be easy. In the meantime, rant on. You are not alone. I hear you.


tink

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Randall
Webmaster

Posts: 25287
From: Columbus, GA USA
Registered: Nov 2000

posted April 18, 2004 11:29 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message
Join the club. Welcome--from one misfit to another.

------------------
"Never mentally imagine for another that which you would not want to experience for yourself, since the mental image you send out inevitably comes back to you." Rebecca Clark

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pixelpixie
Knowflake

Posts: 5301
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005

posted April 18, 2004 11:48 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for pixelpixie     Edit/Delete Message
But MK~ Not to be the eternal optimist, but don't you know it is your different-ness that is your beakon of light?
My Gawd, you would not get the same kind of reacton if you were like "them". Besides, maybe "them" is just a fitting in act too. Specialness isn't sought by tarot or numerology or astrology, those are tools that can help define your individual search, and they do help, but if you have a problem with what they say to you, then you change it. If you embrace the hermit-you at this point in time, then by all means, go to it. But if in the future, you'd like to let a few in for whatever their purpose may be, do that too. Limits are self imposed and self actualized. But damn, girl, you are awesome, and if that means we have to take pilgrimages up to see you on that mountain, then it is gonna happen.
I am such a cow. I just alienated someone here based upon a sentance. How sh!tty am I? I clung on to negativity and forcefulness and totally ignored the point that was being made, bacause it wasn't being made how I wanted to hear it. I SHOULD BE A HERMIT, as my Mars conjunct Sun gets me in trouble....
You on the other hand, can say things with clarity and tact and intelligence.

You rock. So shut up already.
Go make monkey love with your Scorpio.

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yousay
Knowflake

Posts: 80
From: New Zealand
Registered: Feb 2003

posted April 19, 2004 05:15 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for yousay     Edit/Delete Message
Yep me too.
I would like to know why as well but now is not the time.
I know that decisions I made in my younger years have come back to bite me in the backside. OUCH

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TINK
Knowflake

Posts: 3831
From: New England
Registered: Mar 2003

posted April 19, 2004 07:13 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for TINK     Edit/Delete Message
Oh pixel. God bless you. You can always put a grin on a miserable situation. I sure hope MK reads that.

I don't know our lovely MK's exact situation or age but as I've gotten older I feel a little bit better a little bit more often about the misfit thing. I hope that happens for you too, MK. As my great-granny use to say, "the more I see of other people the more I like myself".

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Virgo-AriesArtist
Knowflake

Posts: 1409
From: USA
Registered: Nov 2001

posted April 19, 2004 08:52 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Virgo-AriesArtist     Edit/Delete Message
MK-
Well, I can certainly empathize with your situation.

There's this really cool song that has summed up it for me in the past:

Red Hot Chili Peppers
"Under the Bridge"
Under the Bridge
Sometimes I feel
Like I don't have a partner
Sometimes I feel
Like my only friend
Is the city I live in
The city of angels
Lonely as I am
Together we cry

I drive on her streets
'Cause she's my companion
I walk through her hills
'Cause she knows who I am
She sees my good deeds
And she kisses me windy
I never worry
Now that is a lie

I don't ever want to feel
Like I did that day
Take me to the place I love
Take me all the way

It's hard to believe
That there's nobody out there
It's hard to believe
That I'm all alone
At least I have her love
The city she loves me
Lonely as I am
Together we cry

I don't ever want to feel
Like I did that day
Take me to the place I love
Take me all that way

Under the bridge downtown
Is where I drew some blood
Under the bridge downtown
I could not get enough
Under the bridge downtown
Forgot about my love
Under the bridge downtown
I gave my life away

If you've heard it, think on the lyrics a bit. If you haven't I reccomend you download it ASAP. Another good song, to take you away from your personal isolation is:
Goo Goo Dolls
"Name"
And even though the moment passed me by
I still can't turn away
'Cause all the dreams you never thought you'd lose
Got tossed along the way
And letters that you never meant to send
Get lost or thrown away


And now we're grown up orphans
That never knew their names
We don't belong to no one
That's a shame

But if you could hide beside me
Maybe for a while
And I won't tell no one your name
And I won't tell em' your name


And scars are souvenirs you never lose
The past is never far
Did you lose yourself somewhere out there
Did you get to be a star
And don't it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are


We grew up way too fast
And now there's nothing to believe
Reruns all become our history
A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio
And I won't tell no one your name
And I won't tell em' your name
I won't tell em' your name
Mmm, mmm, mmm,

I won't tell em' your name… Ow!

I think about you all the time
But I don't need the same
It's lonely where you are come back down,
And I won't tell em your name

And last, but not least:
Shawn Colvin
"Nothin' on Me"
Well I don't tell jokes
And I don't take notes
You been sayin there ain't much hope
You got nothin on me
I got friends uptown
And they don't talk down
They been keepin me safe and sound
We got somethin to be

So in case you hadn't noticed
I'm alright
Not like I was before
Things used to be so hopeless
But not tonight
Tonight I'm walkin out that door

I'm not gonna cry
I'm wavin goodbye
And I know this time
You got nothin on me

Well it ain't that tough
Just more of the usual stuff
One heartache is more than enough
There ain't nothin to see

I got friends uptown
And they still come 'round
They been keepin me safe and sound
We got somethin to be

So don't you try to save me
With your advice
Or turn me into somebody else
Cuz I'm not crazy and you're not nice
Baby keep it to yourself

I'm not gonna cry
And I'm wavin goodbye
And I know this time
You got nothin on me

Hope this helps....

------------------
-K
"Most people love with restraint
As if they were someday to hate
We hated gently, carefully
As if we were someday to love"-Venus Trines at Midnight

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trillian
Knowflake

Posts: 4050
From: The Boundless
Registered: Mar 2003

posted April 19, 2004 08:54 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for trillian     Edit/Delete Message
Tink, I think I love your Granny.

Pixel, I know I love you.

MK...all those 'signs' may indicate, but they do not compel. You fit in here just fine, I always enjoy your posts and your insights.

Look to history and you will see that it was those who 'didn't fit in' who brought us the greatest insights, greatest art works, greatest poetry and literature. Do you think Van Gogh or Toulouse-Lautrec were like all the other boys? Do you think Jesus was like all the other boys? Edgar Allen Poe?

I understand feeling lonely, and out of step, and not fitting in. But with time I have become more at ease with myself. I like my individuality, and if that separates me from some, so be it.

You're a bright light shining, and pixel is right, you rock. So rant all you like, the rest of us misfits will be happy to listen.

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trillian
Knowflake

Posts: 4050
From: The Boundless
Registered: Mar 2003

posted April 19, 2004 08:56 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for trillian     Edit/Delete Message
VAA, "Under The Bridge" is about Anthony's heroin addiction... A cool song, though.

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Xelena Ben
Knowflake

Posts: 263
From: New England
Registered: Jun 2002

posted April 19, 2004 10:28 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Xelena Ben     Edit/Delete Message
from the ultimate outsider:

"Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocre minds. The latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence."

Albert Einstein


hi MK -

i would ask you to try not to predefine yourself - by thinking you'll always be alone, etc. - remember about your power to self-fulfill your own prophecies!

if i remember correctly you're out in the wilderness spending a lot of time alone, without a support system. maybe your heart is taking this quiet time to give you a hint of your next direction - finding a community of like-minded individuals. they DO exist, all of us here at LL are a testament to that, as farflung as we are.

i get the impression most of us here consider ourselves outside of the box in one way or another (or all ways!) - it's hard to get up each day and feel forced by society to fit into a certain mold, and forced by your soul to find your own way. but when you can stand on your own feet the partnerships you create in the end are so much more rewarding - and you do get back what you put out there in terms of energy - like attracts like, as they say. do you do any creative meditation, like writing and drawing? i like what they call "mind-mapping" - using a combination of media and writing to create a vision of what you want to attract into your life - where your priorities lay for the next step of the journey. it helps me to focus and feel a little more calm about where i'm at. plys it's fun to make a mess.

keep talking - reaching out is a good thing. we're all here for you.

xoxox,

xelena

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lioneye68
Knowflake

Posts: 6062
From: Canada
Registered: Apr 2003

posted April 19, 2004 11:06 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for lioneye68     Edit/Delete Message
MK, I can completely relate to the sentiments in your post. I got a lump in my throat reading it. I too have indicators in my chart that I'm meant sail life's seas alone, and that saddens me very much because I desparately need feedback from other people. But they don't "get" me most the time, so I meet with their disapproval more often than not. 35 years old, never been married...a string of unsuccessful relationship, each one made me feel stifled while in them because I tried to be a square peg in a round hole. But I keep trying anyway. What else can we do?

When you're cursed/gifted with an unusually keen sense of perspective, you're isolated by the realization that most others aren't interested in it. Most others are still trying to define themselves, which makes them rather self absorbed, not interested in the bigger picture. They'll get beyond that eventually. I think many of us here at LL feel the same way as you. That's why we come here. That's why YOU come here.

I, for one find your perspective insightful, witty, mature, enlightened, non-self obsessive, and very refreshing. Heck, you're a cool chick! If I knew you in real life, I'd be your homey. We're a rare breed. Would you rather be mediocre? Nah, I doubt it.

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pixelpixie
Knowflake

Posts: 5301
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005

posted April 19, 2004 12:04 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for pixelpixie     Edit/Delete Message
They gave me 'the look'
When I said I was a witch.
Like they'd burn if I willed it,
like they'd burn me if they willed it.
But the decency was raised and they were
raised differently
They hide and laugh at what they are unsure of.
But what in this world are we certain of?
Most of us just want to be diseased.
In a sick little way we try to die everyday.
But we search for love to save us from being free.
I need rhythm in my life
I need stark madness
I feel the most while stuck to someone's boot.
I rage
and I rave
and I'll take it to my grave.
Yet I cringe at the thought of being mute.
I can't remember other loves,
for fear that I will love it.
I can't remember who I was then
I know she was unsure
and she acted like a wh0re
and she learned to be a martyr toward men.
I kind of lift the fog and at times I truly see
I sort out all the sacred things,
from mighty mediocrity.
But I choose to dwell on fate,
to swell
and yell
and tell on fate.
Send on something that's okay,
I'm being a good girl today.

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talaith
Knowflake

Posts: 271
From:
Registered: Feb 2004

posted April 19, 2004 02:36 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for talaith     Edit/Delete Message
witches and wh0res oh my!

society permits us the narrowest of definitions for what it means to be a girl.

when you feel your power, do not run, do not be afraid.

bask and bathe in it.....it is good.

and it is nothing like what they tell us is 'acceptable', or what it means, to be a girl.

layers upon layers of effort exist at diminishing this truth.


peel, my love, peel.

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pixelpixie
Knowflake

Posts: 5301
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005

posted April 19, 2004 04:26 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for pixelpixie     Edit/Delete Message
Oh MY! Indeed!
We're not in Kansas anymore, Toto... Were we ever?
The technicolor comes on and the ruby slippers glow so much, you can see what's under the dress reflected in their shiny surface!
Maybe if they weren't stolen in the first place, Dorothy wouldn't have to define her positions so much.

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talaith
Knowflake

Posts: 271
From:
Registered: Feb 2004

posted April 19, 2004 05:08 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for talaith     Edit/Delete Message
ahhhh Glenda....wherever are you when we need you?

sigh...

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Nephthys
Moderator

Posts: 3800
From: California
Registered: Oct 2001

posted April 19, 2004 09:10 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Nephthys     Edit/Delete Message
Dearest Mother K ~

You were the first person to reply to my "Viral Infection + Vegetarian Support Please" thread, and then you replied again and gave me really nice support.

Have you ever thought that maybe you are higher evolved than "the other girls" and that's why you can't relate? Did you know there are some people who would LOVE to have some alone time and never get it?

Make each day count; every day do whatever it is you LOVE to do. Make each day the best you can. Be happy with who you are inside. You never know what is around the corner; keep passing open windows; and remember, your life can change with every single breath you take!

***PEACE**LOVE**LIGHT**HOPE**FAITH**JOY***

~Magic, Miracles & Marshmallow Dreams!

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Motherkonfessor
Knowflake

Posts: 1140
From:
Registered: Oct 2003

posted April 19, 2004 10:32 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Motherkonfessor     Edit/Delete Message
The outpouring of love and support you have all given me in this post is incredible. What would I do without you all?

Thank you for validating me thank you for listening to me thank you for providing me with a place I can vent and whine and not feel small, vulnerable and demanding for taking up pixels in the great cyber world.

I know I don't want, nor need, to be like "all the other girls." Its just an excuse, a martyr complex to abuse my S-Elf when I start feeling as if I am powerful, and in charge of my destiny. Its an outside "authority figure" paradigm that I KNOW is programmed from my childhood when I was told to STOP being smart, stop being bossy, stop pouting (showing emotions) because my actions made others uncomfortable.

Sad, isn't it? When as children (usually girls, because its still more ok for boys to express authority and power as youths) when are made to reform ourselves into the image society says is acceptable.

I have blamed myself my whole life that I was SOOOOOOO unattractive that no male would ever "want" me. That's so utterly futile, and ridiculous in the scope of what I am capable of.

I have always been searching for my mission, my life's work, knowing and feeling that once I found "IT" my toils with typical female roles- lover, wife, mother, homemaker, nurturer- would lessen in urgency. Still, I wait for the call.

I get so frustrated because neither has the mission materialized, nor has its polar opposite- the chance to work out those male/female issues has not manifested either.

Thus....I am frustrated, stymied, and still lonely.

I know that the tools we use in the quest for self understanding- astrology, tarot, runes, Chaldean numberology, lexigraming, scrying with chicken entrails- are not "THE" answer. They are merely trail markers on the path. But if all arrows point to the same direction, its difficult to refute the evidence.

I don't want to be guilty of self fulfilling prophecy. And yesterday, I was feeling emotionally vulnerable and sensitive. Today, the emotions are still there...I am just better able to cope.

That's because of you here...every one of you who have responded with love and encouragement and advice.

Thanks, with all of my heart.....

MK

(I was totally kidding about the chicken entrails.........you all know that, right?)


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pixelpixie
Knowflake

Posts: 5301
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005

posted April 19, 2004 11:27 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for pixelpixie     Edit/Delete Message
*tenderly wipes the chicken guts off her hands*

Huh?! What do you mean you were kidding? The small intestine here says you will find love with a hormone ( or is that a mormon?) before the next waning moon.

You DO rock. Glad you found the perspective we have seen all along in you.
to MK.

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