vtt -Forgive me, if I feel a kinship with you at this time.
I'm going through a very similar period.
You'd think my friends would be happy for me.
Thing is, they are worried;
worried that I'm just momentarily manic,
that I'll get hurt,
and, yes, perhaps, a bit worried that I won't;
that I'll continue to outshine them;
now that I'm finally realizing my self-worth,
I'll leave their opportunistic ***** in the dust.
S'alright.
It's the comic fate of 1st house mooners, kiddo.
They are used to taking advantage of your indiscriminate generosity and support.
You have given yourself away for so long,
and people have developed habits of taking you for granted.
Now you begin to see this, you define your boundaries,
you expect them to take you seriously,
but they persist (for a while, at least),
to assert their highly developed egos over you.
They will try to make you feel guilty,
As they experience the discomforting withdrawal from your ever-present support.
You never meant to get them addicted,
you just wanted to share your deep loving concern for them.
But they didnt know what it was worth,
so they never felt true gratitude.
Probably, now, they will.
I take comfort in the wisdom that neglect is sometimes a very healthy form of loving a person.
Seriously, if you overwater a plant,
it will need more sunlight;
if you give it too much light,
it will need more water;
it will always need more than you have to give;
it will die.
But the solution is simple, once you see it.
Tell them, respectfully, that you genuinely love and care for them
(dont worry if they believe it yet or not),
but that you are pretty exhausted,
and you don't have the energy to give right now.
I would be very surprised if they did not respond by giving you genuine love and appreciation,
and acknowledging to themselves just how much you do mean to them.
But, look, the love you seek is ultimately not going to come from them,
and you dont really need it to.
You are finding your inner strength,
Self-Love!
Friends are great,
So be a great friend to yourself.
Never beat yourself up for wanting the same kind of love you give to others.
Be gentle with yourself,
Be compassionate with your pain.
Everyone feels vulnerable when they find themselves in a transitional period.
You are sloughing off an old skin,
and you are momentarily exposed as you grow a new one.
But that's how you get strong.
Just remind yourself, you are developing immunities.
Soon, you will operate just as efficiently at a higher level of activity,
it will be natural for you.
In other words...
As you learn to love yourself, at first,
you'll experience a lot of resistance,
it may seem like all the gunk is coming to the surface,
like when you start to clean a pan.
Its been collecting, its nothing new,
you just havent noticed it until now.
It's okay.
Just be gentle with yourself.
Those words are most important.
Girl, you've been silent all these years.
It's definitely time to speak up for yourself.
Protect the new child inside you as if it were the Christ,
do not be afraid to show it loving tenderness.
That's all it needs to grow so strong.
Try affirmation work, if you want to.
A mirror helps.
Look yourself in the eye.
(when we are young,
most of the negative reinforcement we receive
is from people looking us directly in the eye
and telling us we are bad,
or that we should be ashamed of ourselves, etc., etc.)
Tell yourself what you know deep down.
"I am good. I love myself.
The more love I have for myself,
the more effortless it is to love others.
I am beautiful.
I am open to change."
Stuff like that.
Make up your own, if you want to.
Dont worry what other people think,
you are ready to create your own perspective.
Like I said, it may be very difficult at first, but just keep on keeping on.
Feel the love that is there.
Let it come up.
That's all it wants to do.
And Remember,
You can easily recognize yourself
as the best friend you have ever had or will ever have.
A person who is open to sharing love with themself is never alone.
your friend,
Jonathan Gull
(Heart-Shaped Cross)
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Love Is My Religion.