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Author Topic:   unsupportive friends
virgotaurustaurus
Knowflake

Posts: 2015
From: ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha
Registered: Oct 2004

posted May 29, 2005 11:29 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for virgotaurustaurus     Edit/Delete Message
This kind of goes with Sue G's thread. I've been having a major problem with friends I have had for years being quite unsupportive of me. I don't remember if they've always been doing this or not...I have changed a ton since November in a sense, I have boundaries now, more inner strength...I'm finally trying to find my path in life. And all I am hearing from them is I should do this, I should do that, I shouldn't do this/that. It's maddening! It's caused quite a few arguements between a Cancer friend of mine and me, she definitely doesn't get it that I am so sick and tired of hearing people tell me how to live my life. Tonight I told her she wasn't acting like a friend at all. Her only response to these things is "ok". And it is all about me going to college in the fall. I went last year...I could think of all the reasons why I keep hearing all these shoulds/shouldn'ts, like maybe they're nervous for me, don't want to see me leave, blah blah...but I have never had a freakin cheerleader in my life up until recently but it's not a close, local friendship. I'm only here for 2 more months and I feel like I just want to shed these "friendships" when I'm there, but I don't want to have a lonely boring summer either.

My 11th house kind of shows some of this, it's very busy right now what with Neptune and Uranus transiting through it. I also have a bunch of aspects whose interpretations say to get out and meet new people which I've found impossible as I live in a tiny uneventful area.

I'm mostly just frustrated...I have a tendency to let go of unsupportive people up until recently as it's the only friends I have since a lot of them live in other states or moved away in the past few years. My intuitive side and my heart says to let go of them but emotionally I don't want to in a way.

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AcousticGod
Knowflake

Posts: 401
From: Pleasanton, CA, USA
Registered: May 2005

posted May 30, 2005 06:25 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for AcousticGod     Edit/Delete Message
It IS damn hard to find people that just want you to be happy. I don't know why that is. People suck.

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Jonathan Gull
Knowflake

Posts: 52
From: the clouds
Registered: May 2005

posted May 30, 2005 01:05 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Jonathan Gull     Edit/Delete Message
vtt -

Forgive me, if I feel a kinship with you at this time.

I'm going through a very similar period.

You'd think my friends would be happy for me.

Thing is, they are worried;
worried that I'm just momentarily manic,
that I'll get hurt,
and, yes, perhaps, a bit worried that I won't;
that I'll continue to outshine them;
now that I'm finally realizing my self-worth,
I'll leave their opportunistic ***** in the dust.

S'alright.

It's the comic fate of 1st house mooners, kiddo.

They are used to taking advantage of your indiscriminate generosity and support.

You have given yourself away for so long,
and people have developed habits of taking you for granted.

Now you begin to see this, you define your boundaries,
you expect them to take you seriously,
but they persist (for a while, at least),
to assert their highly developed egos over you.

They will try to make you feel guilty,
As they experience the discomforting withdrawal from your ever-present support.

You never meant to get them addicted,
you just wanted to share your deep loving concern for them.

But they didnt know what it was worth,
so they never felt true gratitude.
Probably, now, they will.

I take comfort in the wisdom that neglect is sometimes a very healthy form of loving a person.

Seriously, if you overwater a plant,
it will need more sunlight;
if you give it too much light,
it will need more water;
it will always need more than you have to give;
it will die.

But the solution is simple, once you see it.

Tell them, respectfully, that you genuinely love and care for them
(dont worry if they believe it yet or not),
but that you are pretty exhausted,
and you don't have the energy to give right now.

I would be very surprised if they did not respond by giving you genuine love and appreciation,
and acknowledging to themselves just how much you do mean to them.

But, look, the love you seek is ultimately not going to come from them,
and you dont really need it to.

You are finding your inner strength,
Self-Love!

Friends are great,
So be a great friend to yourself.

Never beat yourself up for wanting the same kind of love you give to others.

Be gentle with yourself,
Be compassionate with your pain.
Everyone feels vulnerable when they find themselves in a transitional period.
You are sloughing off an old skin,
and you are momentarily exposed as you grow a new one.
But that's how you get strong.
Just remind yourself, you are developing immunities.
Soon, you will operate just as efficiently at a higher level of activity,
it will be natural for you.

In other words...

As you learn to love yourself, at first,
you'll experience a lot of resistance,
it may seem like all the gunk is coming to the surface,
like when you start to clean a pan.
Its been collecting, its nothing new,
you just havent noticed it until now.
It's okay.
Just be gentle with yourself.
Those words are most important.

Girl, you've been silent all these years.
It's definitely time to speak up for yourself.
Protect the new child inside you as if it were the Christ,
do not be afraid to show it loving tenderness.
That's all it needs to grow so strong.

Try affirmation work, if you want to.

A mirror helps.
Look yourself in the eye.
(when we are young,
most of the negative reinforcement we receive
is from people looking us directly in the eye
and telling us we are bad,
or that we should be ashamed of ourselves, etc., etc.)
Tell yourself what you know deep down.
"I am good. I love myself.
The more love I have for myself,
the more effortless it is to love others.
I am beautiful.
I am open to change."
Stuff like that.
Make up your own, if you want to.
Dont worry what other people think,
you are ready to create your own perspective.
Like I said, it may be very difficult at first, but just keep on keeping on.
Feel the love that is there.
Let it come up.
That's all it wants to do.

And Remember,
You can easily recognize yourself
as the best friend you have ever had or will ever have.
A person who is open to sharing love with themself is never alone.

your friend,
Jonathan Gull
(Heart-Shaped Cross)

------------------
Love Is My Religion.

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Jonathan Gull
Knowflake

Posts: 52
From: the clouds
Registered: May 2005

posted May 30, 2005 02:01 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Jonathan Gull     Edit/Delete Message
One more thing.

I've recently discovered that, as a 1st house Mooner, my physical constitution is as highly sensitive as my mental and emotional constitution. Which is to say that my diet (physical, mental, and emotional) has a profound effect on my over-all health and moods. It's getting predictable.

Here is a note I wrote to myself,
which I keep beside my bed,
and read to myself every morning and every night:

"Steve,

This is a reminder that, when you don't eat healthy, you get depressed and overwhelmed and can't imagine doing anything, and start contemplating suicide. ((My Scorpio extremes are showing.)) On the other hand, when you eat healthy, you feel happy, energetic, hopeful, capable, and eager to participate in human affairs. You're making great progress. It's so easy to keep going in the right direction. It's just as easy to throw it all away. Your choices matter BIG TIME. Please read this again.

Thanx,
Steve"

So, there it is.

I have to remember not to beat myself up for indulging. For me, the first step is love. If I am hard on myself, I figure, "why bother, if you're going to beat me up every time I'm the least bit human," and I just give in. But, when I'm coming from a place of love, there is absolutely no reason to push myself, I am running headlong to the health food section, to treat myself ( ) to an Odwalla Superfood bar.

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maya-v
Knowflake

Posts: 1328
From: New York
Registered: Dec 2004

posted May 30, 2005 02:51 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for maya-v     Edit/Delete Message
You are my soaring phoenix, my pouncing gryphon ... I am in awe of your power and bow to your amazing majesty.

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A weasel
Knowflake

Posts: 62
From: New York
Registered: May 2005

posted May 31, 2005 01:55 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for A weasel     Edit/Delete Message
Experience shows that it is much easier and better to let go of bad friends and be alone than to put up with their **** .

And I am an extravert!

IMHO as soon as you let them go, you'll be more open to finding new ones and will find them quicker.

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virgotaurustaurus
Knowflake

Posts: 2015
From: ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha
Registered: Oct 2004

posted May 31, 2005 01:57 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for virgotaurustaurus     Edit/Delete Message
maya I am? LOL jk I just read your post in reply to me and not Mr. Gull

AcousticGod - I know!!! WTF right? People do suck Also the people I know who aren't being supportive - they don't like it when I'm unhappy and tell me to do things like cheer up or smile but as soon as I'm happy they're like uh uh I don't THINK sooooo! Idiots, gosh!

Jonathan Gull - Aww I understand the kinship feeling, we're both 1st House Moons after all! Yeah I was thinking my friends are just worried but I dunno...I was pretty assertive about how I'm tired of hearing the shoulds the other night with one of them and she didn't seem too worried then . Now she doesn't care to talk to me because she can't tell me how to live my life. *sigh*

You are right about them taking me for granted, I see that now with my newfounded boundaries. You actually were talking about something I mentioned to someone the other night - how when I leave for college those 'friends' will probably be calling me about how much they miss me and want to hang out, and I will be mad that they didn't bother while I was still here, having taken my existence locally for granted...and then I'm not going to want to come back home to hang because I felt like in the past I was used by them. I'm just a convenience for now, as long as I still live within a 30 mile radius.

Hooray for finding inner strength! That is true too. Not an easy path but one worth taking. The people I most admire have loads of it.

Affirmation work helps me

I like that note and I can relate to that. Not eating right sends me to one heck of a deep level. OH MAN, I LOVE Odwalla bars!! YEEESSS!

What a strange, strange thing life is. Making oneself strong can be such a lonely, painful path. I may sound bitter but it's stemming from disappointment with others. It sometimes helps to make myself laugh by pretending I'm a Transformer, as I do change quite a bit every few years. I've also been told that I've simply grown out of these friends, which makes sense with a transitional period as well. Strange!

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virgotaurustaurus
Knowflake

Posts: 2015
From: ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha
Registered: Oct 2004

posted May 31, 2005 01:59 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for virgotaurustaurus     Edit/Delete Message
A weasel, that makes total sense! I'd at least have the energy for the new ones if I kicked the old ones out the door (and let it hit their arse on the way out )!

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maya-v
Knowflake

Posts: 1328
From: New York
Registered: Dec 2004

posted May 31, 2005 03:57 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for maya-v     Edit/Delete Message
VTT, You cant see it right now, but you are waaaaaaaaay stronger and meant for way bigger things than a lot of people you know. They see it and thats one of the reasons why they are intimidated, even terrified by your increasing awareness of who you are.

Rest assured that you are on the right path and I know the day is not far when you will shine through and reach the place you belong, meet fascinating people not intimidated by you.

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kiwigirl
Knowflake

Posts: 12
From: New Zealand
Registered: May 2005

posted May 31, 2005 05:40 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for kiwigirl     Edit/Delete Message
I remember when i started really working on myself and overcoming alot of things in my life that previously had been really challenging, my friends and family really struggled with the NEW me, they kept on treating and reacting to me the way they always had, and fair enough too, for all those years i had been one person who reacted in a certain way so they had their responses all sorted out, then all of a sudden i go and change the game! What I am trying to say is, your friends will take some time to adjust, its not that they're unsupportive, maybe more taking a bit of time to adjust to the beautiful new you that is emerging, maybe for a while you should withdraw just to get stronger you know, but dont give up on them....true friends are hard to find.

Hugs
Kiwi

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A Perfect Circle
Knowflake

Posts: 38
From: Australia. Not being stalked.
Registered: Apr 2005

posted June 01, 2005 12:40 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for A Perfect Circle     Edit/Delete Message
Friends are hugely overrated. There's a strange myth that the more friends you are, the happier you are. This of course is complete rubbish because personally I'd rather have 1 really really good friend than 50 aquaintances. Unfortunately, friends are also people... people are assholes, thus friends by default become assholes. I think that's how it goes.

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pixelpixie
Moderator

Posts: 53
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005

posted June 01, 2005 12:50 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for pixelpixie     Edit/Delete Message
hey, assholes didn't get *****
assholes
assholes

(the key is the plural)

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AcousticGod
Knowflake

Posts: 401
From: Pleasanton, CA, USA
Registered: May 2005

posted June 01, 2005 01:41 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for AcousticGod     Edit/Delete Message
Clever revelation there, Pixel! Nice!

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A Perfect Circle
Knowflake

Posts: 38
From: Australia. Not being stalked.
Registered: Apr 2005

posted June 01, 2005 04:52 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for A Perfect Circle     Edit/Delete Message
******* ... assholes ... arsehole ... arseholes ... hmmm, forums are fun.

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virgotaurustaurus
Knowflake

Posts: 2015
From: ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha
Registered: Oct 2004

posted June 03, 2005 03:41 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for virgotaurustaurus     Edit/Delete Message
hmm....assholes...*scratches head* LOL!

maya, what you said makes total sense to me!!! plus I was talking to my aqua friend about this - he's one of the few who is actually happy I'm off to college soon and getting myself more together, and he mentioned the same thing, that people are probably intimidated by me expanding on myself.

kiwigirl, that makes sense to, that it's an adjustment thing for my friends. My Scorpio friend seems to have done that Cancer friend is well...gone? Ah well, she was never happy for me when I was happy! Scorpio friend has been in the past yay!

APC I know what you mean, I'd rather have a few good ones than 50 acquaintances...it's just that my few good ones have been...weird lately. Your thinking sounds like mine

Thanks! I now figure with time and growth some people will stay some will go and I'll probably meet new people along my way. Plus people here rock too which always helps

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Peaches
Knowflake

Posts: 46
From: London
Registered: Apr 2005

posted June 03, 2005 05:06 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Peaches     Edit/Delete Message
Johnathan Gull, you...you..you (to quote Bob Deniro in Analyse This). Wonderful words of wisdom.

VTT, how much I relate to you right now.
I have been going through the exact same thing with my friends, with myself.

Its Saturns transition in Cancer that is biting me on the assholes!

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