*HTML is OFF *UBB Code is ON Smilies Legend
Smilies Legend
If you have previously registered, but forgotten your password, click here.
T O P I C R E V I E WDavina98I don’t like myself and anyone that reminds me of me. That’s why I have so much hate in my heart but crave love. I don’t have a symmetrical face or body. I am severely bowlegged. I have a severe mental illness that I caused myself because I am stupid too. People notice now, because it’s gotten worst (the stupid). Everyday I tell myself that I want to die. But I’m so nuts..cause I’m tugged between that and feeling that that’s not what the bottom of my heart wants. The bottom of my heart is convinced that I am going to be able to love and to be loved one day. The bottom of my heart knows that it can express itself creatively. I do not want a daughter with the same hair, legs, body and big nose as me. I need to get with someone with good genes to make my children look good. My natural hair is so ugly because I’ve permed it too much eversince I was little. Because I did not think I was pretty enough with that short nappy hair. Everytime I stare in the mirror I don’t feel anything. Like I am looking at nothing. (Transit Neptune Opposing Ascendant) I am rotten at the core. I understand why white people used to think black people were an errror. (NOT THAT WE DESERVED ANY OF THE TREATMENT EVEN HAD WE BEEN AN ERROR). (yeah I am hard on myself, Moon in Cappy square Saturn in 8th) We don’t have good hair, our breasts aren’t healthy. This is just the truth for most of us. But all I want is to express myself creatively, from the bottom of my heart. For things to get better. To be chosen first with reason. To have strength to bear the meaning of my life when I find out what it is. I am scared sometimes that I will look in the mirror during the night and see a demon instead of my reflection. Because that’s what’s impeaching me to speak. Write, think, dance, sing, learn, remember, laugh. I have felt it. It is trying to end me, kill me by making me kill myself (Transiting Pluto Opposing Sun + Transiting Pluto Contra-Parallel Sun & Venus). I am not a good person. I have stolen a lot of things from people (Saturn in Taurus 8th House). I know that I have good aspects in my chart, (ex. Saturn Sextile Mars in Cancer just makes me an extra stubborn coward. I do NOT want to go at war, ever. I’ll die in my bedsheets first) but every good aspect just makes a badly aspected planet better at being bad. I am obsessed, all the time. Not even in love because I am not able to love. I can only hate, envy, crave and be negatively attached. (Transiting Pluto Inconjunct & Contra-Parallel Venus). I know it all starts within my own heart. But what to do when this very heart is possessed? I can’t even pray. I just forget what I’m praying about because of the stupid!! (Remember?)You’re life isn’t that bad.Plus it runs in the family. My mother’s been single for 17 years. And she’s not very smart either to me. She’s dedicated to the church like no one I’ve ever seen. Eversince before I was born. But we’re poor and have no one in our lives. Everyone talks **** about us. Guess what happened last year. She met someone and was about to finally get married when he died of a throat cancer. Long story short all the women in my family are possessed with a spirit of failure that makes men run away or die. and I can’t pray to god because he hasen’t done anything for my mother who I can attest is his most faithful servent. All I wanted was to express myself. Sorry about all the ugliness on your screen now. All I want is to express something beautiful but I have nothing beautiful in my life. No talent, inspiration or brains. So all I can do is make your timeline ugly too. DavinaJuly 10 199810:16 AMMontréal, CanadaRandall RandallHow are you feeling?sassaquaThis sounds truly awful. Not sure of your age and I guess it's irrelevant but the human condition is sometimes like this.On the up-side, you express yourself well.Randall quote:Originally posted by sassaqua:This sounds truly awful. Not sure of your age and I guess it's irrelevant but the human condition is sometimes like this.On the up-side, you express yourself well.RandallUpdate?Davina98Randall, thank you for checking up on me.. you're amazing for this! I have been feeling like doing something about it all. Looking really hard for the motivation to make a change in my life. Like trying to find a purpose, taking care of myself as i would someone I love. Distancing myself from people who make me feel bad..RandallHeading in the right direction.Brendan34 quote:Originally posted by Davina98:Randall, thank you for checking up on me.. you're amazing for this! I have been feeling like doing something about it all. Looking really hard for the motivation to make a change in my life. Like trying to find a purpose, taking care of myself as i would someone I love. Distancing myself from people who make me feel bad..Making a change is hard and can be intimidating, but once you take the first step it will really help you and motivate to keep moving toward more positive change. That first step is hardest. I know that sounds cliche, but I understand where you're coming from. Don't boil yourself down to others expectations, like "beauty, brains," etc. Those things are not what will sustain in you life as you get older anyways.Think of things you enjoy, what you're passionate about and pursue that.AyeletDavina. I read what you've been doing of late, treating yourself the way you would treat someone else. That's good, because I noticed people tend to be the hardest on themselves, unforgiving things they would more easily forgive others for. Listen. Don't judge yourself like that. You are beautiful. I don't care how you look like. I think I understand. You want to express beauty, to create, and yet you don't feel like you're beautiful. Yet you are. Because the very wish to express and create is coming from your soul. Do you know how many people are out there, who have the socially agreeable looks, but have almost no real self-esteem? No self-confidence? Maybe they grew up thinking they were beautiful, and this is all they had. Maybe they were raised learning to value themselves according to external things, and then they became full of anxiety as to who they were and whether they truly had any inner, REAL value. And then they destroy their life through the huge emptiness they feel. Maybe you read this and think to yourself: "I don't mind being in their shoes." Sure. Everyone wants to feel good about themselves. Thing is, you may have this look or that look, but it won't help you unless you also build a strong enough character. This is the main thing, without which mere looks won't help you, while with it no such looks won't hinder you. You're not guilty for your mental illness. No one is. How can you possibly think that, taking all that blame on yourself? How could you have caused yourself something which comes from distress? I am very sorry for the loss your mom has experienced. This is very sad. For the very least, she loved. She felt and knew love. Even though it was tragic. You were born on the 10th. Meaning, you have the ability to get wide recognition within your chosen field of endeavor. But first and foremost, you must love yourself. Remember you are special. You can bring to this world something no one else can. That's why you're here. Find a way to express yourself. Seek the best medium. What speaks to you the most? Randall
It is trying to end me, kill me by making me kill myself (Transiting Pluto Opposing Sun + Transiting Pluto Contra-Parallel Sun & Venus). I am not a good person. I have stolen a lot of things from people (Saturn in Taurus 8th House). I know that I have good aspects in my chart, (ex. Saturn Sextile Mars in Cancer just makes me an extra stubborn coward. I do NOT want to go at war, ever. I’ll die in my bedsheets first) but every good aspect just makes a badly aspected planet better at being bad. I am obsessed, all the time. Not even in love because I am not able to love. I can only hate, envy, crave and be negatively attached. (Transiting Pluto Inconjunct & Contra-Parallel Venus). I know it all starts within my own heart. But what to do when this very heart is possessed? I can’t even pray. I just forget what I’m praying about because of the stupid!! (Remember?)
You’re life isn’t that bad.
Plus it runs in the family. My mother’s been single for 17 years. And she’s not very smart either to me. She’s dedicated to the church like no one I’ve ever seen. Eversince before I was born. But we’re poor and have no one in our lives. Everyone talks **** about us. Guess what happened last year. She met someone and was about to finally get married when he died of a throat cancer.
Long story short all the women in my family are possessed with a spirit of failure that makes men run away or die. and I can’t pray to god because he hasen’t done anything for my mother who I can attest is his most faithful servent.
All I wanted was to express myself. Sorry about all the ugliness on your screen now. All I want is to express something beautiful but I have nothing beautiful in my life. No talent, inspiration or brains. So all I can do is make your timeline ugly too.
DavinaJuly 10 199810:16 AMMontréal, Canada
On the up-side, you express yourself well.
quote:Originally posted by sassaqua:This sounds truly awful. Not sure of your age and I guess it's irrelevant but the human condition is sometimes like this.On the up-side, you express yourself well.
quote:Originally posted by Davina98:Randall, thank you for checking up on me.. you're amazing for this! I have been feeling like doing something about it all. Looking really hard for the motivation to make a change in my life. Like trying to find a purpose, taking care of myself as i would someone I love. Distancing myself from people who make me feel bad..
Making a change is hard and can be intimidating, but once you take the first step it will really help you and motivate to keep moving toward more positive change. That first step is hardest. I know that sounds cliche, but I understand where you're coming from. Don't boil yourself down to others expectations, like "beauty, brains," etc. Those things are not what will sustain in you life as you get older anyways.
Think of things you enjoy, what you're passionate about and pursue that.
You're not guilty for your mental illness. No one is. How can you possibly think that, taking all that blame on yourself? How could you have caused yourself something which comes from distress? I am very sorry for the loss your mom has experienced. This is very sad. For the very least, she loved. She felt and knew love. Even though it was tragic.
You were born on the 10th. Meaning, you have the ability to get wide recognition within your chosen field of endeavor. But first and foremost, you must love yourself. Remember you are special. You can bring to this world something no one else can. That's why you're here. Find a way to express yourself. Seek the best medium. What speaks to you the most?
Copyright 2000-2023 Powered by Infopop www.infopop.com © 2000 Ultimate Bulletin Board Version 5.46a
Powered by Infopop www.infopop.com © 2000 Ultimate Bulletin Board Version 5.46a