Posts: 3564
From: Hillsboro, OR, USA
Registered: Jan 2013

posted August 11, 2013 06:42 PM            

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I found it kind of hard to follow iambic pentameter for this poem, but tell me what you think;

Sebastian my Sweet
How long have I been entrapped by your spell?
How much longer must I endure thy hell?
For my heart is a bird encaged,
That sings of a façade so staged,
Take it! Take it I beg of you!
Take this awful feeling of love for you!
For I can't go on with your fire in my soul,
Thy sweet faces ceases to lull,
My stirring heart to slumber
And why is this you muster?
Because you will never be mine,
You've made it clear with your speech and sign,
That love me, you never will,
And my every feeling it does chill,
We cannot remain friends I am afraid,
Because it will literally kill my heart's aid,
So Good by my sweet Sebastian,
I wish you well in all you can,

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Posts: 1720
From: Ohio
Registered: Jan 2012

posted August 12, 2013 09:39 AM            

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I feel finality in the thoughts/words. It also reads like a scene from a play, where the audience is privy to a conversation between two, and curious for the poem/scene to go on to hear the reply of the other..

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Posts: 3564
From: Hillsboro, OR, USA
Registered: Jan 2013

posted August 30, 2017 06:18 AM            

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Its been so long, since I wrote this. Pearlty I am sorry I didn't reply to your feedback. I am very honored you took the time to read it.

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