posted March 21, 2010 09:25 AM         

03.09.10 | ISSUE 46•10
# Aries You will give birth to a beautiful, bouncing baby girl this week, moments after going into labor inside that giant inflatable castle.

# Taurus Fear and Jealousy will soon tear you apart, which is rather unfortunate, as Fear and Jealousy are the two pitbulls that live next door.

# Gemini Use the watering can of good intentions to nurture the fig tree of expectations. There, enjoy figuring that one out, you jerks.

# Cancer Your life will soon be divided into Pre-Angering-Of-The-Ants and Post-Angering-Of-The-Ants eras.

# Leo Don't let anybody tell you what you can or cannot do. That's for you, three to five of your ribs, and most of the hearing in your left ear, to decide.

# Virgo The stars indicate that you've been looking really great lately. Also, the stars indicate that they could really use your help moving next weekend.

# Libra You claim that nobody understand you, but then, the strange white men in lab coats are doing the best they can.

# Scorpio It's never really been about race, or religion, or even politics for you, which is great, since "it," in this case, refers to eating a meatball sub.

# Sagittarius You can try dancing around the issue all you want, but in the end, you still don't know what to do with your arms while on the dance floor.

# Capricorn Advances in science will soon allow man to travel to the most distant corners of the universe. Still no word, however, on it being able to get you off that couch.

# Aquarius If someone had told you 30 years ago that you'd end up an insurance salesman, you probably would have laughed. Then again, you would've been 6-months-old at the time.

posted March 21, 2010 09:36 AM         

:Aries: There truly is more than one way to skin a cat, but the limited market for cat skins makes learning more than three methods impractical.

:Taurus: Losing a limb can be a trying and traumatic experience, but you'll be an expert at it by the end of the week.

:Gemini: You thought the old gag with the banana peel was dead forever, and if it weren't for you and a Dumpster full of shattered fluorescent-light tubes, it would be.

:Cancer: After exhausting every other conceivable option, you'll finally give in this week and take a shower.

:Leo: Animal rights activists will accuse you of cruel and inhumane conduct, even though the chicken is already dead, and that's just the way you eat wings.

:Virgo: You'll be credited with a new kind of piracy that is even less glamorous than "software" and "music," and a hell of a lot less sexy than "butt."
:Libra: Once all the goats are rounded up, the German tourists are extradited, and the syrup trucks are returned, you'll have to admit that you never saw that one coming.

:Scorpio: They say no news is good news, but you're beginning to suspect there's a reason why those doctors keep avoiding your calls.

:Sagittarius: You always wondered which of your sins would send you to hell, but you never thought it would be tipping Roger $2.34 on a $60 check.

:Capricorn: Strong eye contact and a firm handshake will help you to make significant strides in the world of being a humongous prick this week.

:Aquarius: You'll balloon up to triple your weight after several months spent following a diet-book typo that told you to eat 16,000 calories a day.

posted March 22, 2010 12:00 AM         

Are these Mars-ruled folks really as totally unaware of Others as they seem to be? Well, no, of course not. They know perfectly well there are Others in the world -- they refer to us as The Opponents.
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