posted April 18, 2012 07:20 PM            

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Gentlemen. Thank you for reading.

Let me start out by assuring you that I understand you are a good sort of person. You are kind to children and animals. You respect the elderly. You donate to charity. You tell jokes without laughing at your own punchlines. You respect women. You like women. In fact, you would really like to have a mutually respectful and loving sexual relationship with a woman. Unfortunately, you don’t yet know that woman—she isn’t working with you, nor have you been introduced through mutual friends or drawn to the same activities. So you must look further afield to encounter her.

So far, so good. Miss LonelyHearts, your humble instructor, approves. Human connection, love, romance: there is nothing wrong with these yearnings.

Now, you want to become acquainted with a woman you see in public. The first thing you need to understand is that women are dealing with a set of challenges and concerns that are strange to you, a man. To begin with, we would rather not be killed or otherwise violently assaulted.

“But wait! I don’t want that, either!”

Well, no. But do you think about it all the time? Is preventing violent assault or murder part of your daily routine, rather than merely something you do when you venture into war zones? Because, for women, it is. When I go on a date, I always leave the man’s full name and contact information written next to my computer monitor. This is so the cops can find my body if I go missing. My best friend will call or e-mail me the next morning, and I must answer that call or e-mail before noon-ish, or she begins to worry. If she doesn’t hear from me by three or so, she’ll call the police. My activities after dark are curtailed. Unless I am in a densely-occupied, well-lit space, I won’t go out alone. Even then, I prefer to have a friend or two, or my dogs, with me. Do you follow rules like these?

So when you, a stranger, approach me, I have to ask myself: Will this man rape me?

Do you think I’m overreacting? One in every six American women will be sexually assaulted in her lifetime. I bet you don’t think you know any rapists, but consider the sheer number of rapes that must occur. These rapes are not all committed by Phillip Garrido, Brian David Mitchell, or other members of the Brotherhood of Scary Hair and Homemade Religion. While you may assume that none of the men you know are rapists, I can assure you that at least one is. Consider: if every rapist commits an average of ten rapes (a horrifying number, isn’t it?) then the concentration of rapists in the population is still a little over one in sixty. That means four in my graduating class in high school. One among my coworkers. One in the subway car at rush hour. Eleven who work out at my gym. How do I know that you, the nice guy who wants nothing more than companionship and True Love, are not this rapist?

I don’t.

When you approach me in public, you are Schrödinger’s Rapist. You may or may not be a man who would commit rape. I won’t know for sure unless you start sexually assaulting me. I can’t see inside your head, and I don’t know your intentions. If you expect me to trust you—to accept you at face value as a nice sort of guy—you are not only failing to respect my reasonable caution, you are being cavalier about my personal safety.

Fortunately, you’re a good guy. We’ve already established that. Now that you’re aware that there’s a problem, you are going to go out of your way to fix it, and to make the women with whom you interact feel as safe as possible

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When you approach me, I will begin to evaluate the possibility you will do me harm. That possibility is never 0%. For some women, particularly women who have been victims of violent assaults, any level of risk is unacceptable. Those women do not want to be approached, no matter how nice you are or how much you’d like to date them. Okay? That’s their right. Don’t get pissy about it. Women are under no obligation to hear the sales pitch before deciding they are not in the market to buy.

The second important point: you must be aware of what signals you are sending by your appearance and the environment. We are going to be paying close attention to your appearance and behavior and matching those signs to our idea of a threat

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Pay attention to the environment. Look around. Are you in a dark alley? Then probably you ought not approach a woman and try to strike up a conversation. The same applies if you are alone with a woman in most public places. If the public place is a closed area (a subway car, an elevator, a bus), even a crowded one, you may not realize that the woman’s ability to flee in case of threat is limited. Ask yourself, “If I were dangerous, would this woman be safe in this space with me?” If the answer is no, then it isn’t appropriate to approach her.

On the other hand, if you are both at church accompanied by your mothers, who are lifelong best friends, the woman is as close as it comes to safe

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You want to say Hi to the cute girl on the subway. How will she react? Fortunately, I can tell you with some certainty, because she’s already sending messages to you. Looking out the window, reading a book, working on a computer, arms folded across chest, body away from you = do not disturb. So, y’know, don’t disturb her. Really. Even to say that you like her hair, shoes, or book. A compliment is not always a reason for women to smile and say thank you. You are a threat, remember? You are Schrödinger’s Rapist. Don’t assume that whatever you have to say will win her over with charm or flattery. Believe what she’s signaling, and back off.

If you speak, and she responds in a monosyllabic way without looking at you, she’s saying, “I don’t want to be rude, but please leave me alone.” You don’t know why. It could be “Please leave me alone because I am trying to memorize Beowulf.” It could be “Please leave me alone because you are a scary, scary man with breath like a water buffalo.” It could be “Please leave me alone because I am planning my assassination of a major geopolitical figure and I will have to kill you if you are able to recognize me and blow my cover.”

On the other hand, if she is turned towards you, making eye contact, and she responds in a friendly and talkative manner when you speak to her, you are getting a green light.

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posted April 23, 2012 12:17 AM            

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Originally posted by carl:
What a sad state of affairs we find the world in: cold, detached, untrusting, suspicious. Overall, so negative.

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posted April 23, 2012 01:04 AM            

There are so many women on LL.
Do you see me or Lioness or Lonake .. or VenusdiSirius or Ami Anne... (the list could go on) - agreeing to this?

posted April 23, 2012 01:10 AM            

When I was younger I used to read something like that ^ and get upset.. because I thought "awwwwwww boy.... the world is really stuffed up and people just seem to hate each other".... or "How can those men be so cruel? How can anyone think this way?"
I have Mars conj Neptune ^ so I can be overly sensitive.

But then I woke up to myself and realised that the problem was that I was focusing on things and people who are just NOT my kind of people.

posted April 23, 2012 01:12 AM            

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people assume the worst so often.

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Please don't fall pray to the workings of your brain.
We are simply neurologically built to remember negative things more so than positive things and hence - I think we're inclined to generalise those negative things.

posted April 23, 2012 08:53 AM            

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Men should simply NOT approach me, ever.

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Regardes - I understand that is how you feel. But that is just you personally. You have also mentioned being asexual, so saying that you never ever want a man to approach you... is not overly surprising.

posted April 23, 2012 09:13 AM            

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Originally posted by Betty Boop:
I've read similar things that are negative in tone and directed at women.. For instance, there are dating manuals online about 'how to get a girl' - where they advise the man to be a complete jerk.
And I've seen guys agreeing that it works so well and bla bla bla..

When I was younger I used to read something like that ^ and get upset.. because I thought "awwwwwww boy.... the world is really stuffed up and people just seem to hate each other".... or "How can those men be so cruel? How can anyone think this way?"
I have Mars conj Neptune ^ so I can be overly sensitive.

But then I woke up to myself and realised that the problem was that I was focusing on things and people who are just NOT my kind of people.

There are plenty of men and women out there who *are* my kind of people.. and I'd prefer to fill my thoughts & memories with those people..and the things [b]they write. [/B]

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posted April 23, 2012 10:40 AM            

OMG I love your advice LEXX!

Can we just delete the first post and leave LEXX's advice here?
It is much more sensible.

posted April 23, 2012 10:53 AM            

Most of the time I have no use for it.

Sometimes it's not even an approach so much as a honk or a "'Sup, shorty?" (no thanks).