posted March 05, 2013 11:33 AM            

My father's approaching 60 (in 2015) and I will be genuinely surprised if he reaches it.
He's yellow.
His fingertips look awful - like they're not getting the oxygen that they need (he's also a heavy smoker).
He smells like he's rotting inside.
He has almost no hand strength left (according to my husband who helped him move some furniture from my recently deceased grandmother's house).
He's drunk on most weekend days before noon.
He's miserable to be around - curses and insults people constantly, even when around children.

But I feel sorry for him.
He's such a sad, sad old man.
Not everyone in their 50s is "old" - but he is.

He is never, never around my children by himself - they will never have a day with Grandad - but I've tried to invite him over to brunch a few times (before he's drunk for the day), and it's just...ugh.

Have any of you had similar experiences?

posted March 05, 2013 03:03 PM            

"He is never, never around my children by himself - they will never have a day with Grandad" Especially if he's cussing and insulting - the kids do not need to be exposed to that.

I sympathise with your situation. It isn't easy witnessing a parent succumb to an addiction.

Have you guys tried an intervention?

My dad was generally abusive but more so when under the influence of alcohol. He started drinking after his mother passed. I don't think he knew how to cope with death and it lead him to hit the bottle. To say it was nightmarish is an understatement - which is probaby why I never drink (besides health reasons).

He was ALWAYS violent when he was drunk..so we already knew what was coming and my mum would hide any potential "weapons" eg. cutlery just in case.

The violence and drinking escalated. He'd beat us all .My mum did leave him eventually. I always wished she had done it sooner and was angry at her for a long time because I didn't understand why she would let us suffer at his hand like that.
She did explain that she was scared of what he might do if she did leave and her own fears trapped her into staying until she got a big wake up call oneday.. the wake up call being that he would take her life.

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quote:

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Remember, love can conquer the influences of the planets....It can even eliminate karma.

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posted March 05, 2013 09:53 PM            

My dad is cold to me, and also over a thousand miles away living in a city I swore I'd never return to (even if I did once anyway), so I haven't visited him since the summer of 2004 (and the last time I spoke to him before 2004 was when I was 14 while he and Mom were fighting over child support and they were trying to bribe me on who I chose to live with). He's managed to hold down a steady job and pay his bills (including child support), I have to give him credit for that, but he's paid dearly for his love affair with alcohol.

And so has Mom (but I haven't seen her much since I was 16 either).

posted March 06, 2013 11:49 AM            

Yes Mockingbird, it is sad and I know you feel helpless. Your post shows the love and compassion you hold.
I so often wished my Dad was a drunk. It would have been a reason to lay on his abuse. Selfish I know and indeed, if he had been a drunk, it may have been much worse.

My prayers today for all addicts in the universe.

posted March 06, 2013 04:18 PM            

The nails you described are a sign of iron deficiency anemia or a liver condition known as hemochromatosis.

The lack of strength in the hands is also another sign of liver failure affecting the central nervous system.

Have you considered who would be an eligible living liver lobe donor should he need an emergency liver transplant?

I deal with chronic liver failure daily in my son, so I know what you are talking about.

posted March 06, 2013 06:51 PM            

quote:

---

He's jaundiced. You do know that it is a sure sign of acute liver failure?
The nails you described are a sign of iron deficiency anemia or a liver condition known as hemochromatosis.

The lack of strength in the hands is also another sign of liver failure affecting the central nervous system.

Have you considered who would be an eligible living liver lobe donor should he need an emergency liver transplant?

I deal with chronic liver failure daily in my son, so I know what you are talking about.

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I'm sorry about your son, YTA.

Husband's back.

posted March 06, 2013 07:18 PM            

So sad....

posted March 06, 2013 10:14 PM            

Anyway, Im hoping a member of the extended family still adores him. A living donor liver lobe transplant may work, but risks are heightened for both recipient and donor. That's in a true emergency. It generally takes upwards of a year before a cadaver liver is made available. I'm on standby for my son with my right kidney and a liver lobe.

Livers regenerate. So, surgeons removing half your liver will still allow your liver to fully regenerate in a couple of months.

It's still risky. They open you up. They cut off a portion of your liver while clamping off the right blood vessels without damaging what you have, and then remove the portion cut off and transplant it. Causes higher incidence of death to the donor, and less so for the recipient.

posted March 09, 2013 08:13 AM            

I just wanted to pop in to say that and to thank everyone for replying. I hope to sit down at my computer tonight.
On this beautiful day, we're building a chicken coop

posted March 09, 2013 09:08 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by charmainec:
Do you know what sparked the alcohol abuse?

"He is never, never around my children by himself - they will never have a day with Grandad" Especially if he's cussing and insulting - the kids do not need to be exposed to that.

I sympathise with your situation. It isn't easy witnessing a parent succumb to an addiction.

Have you guys tried an intervention?

My dad was generally abusive but more so when under the influence of alcohol. He started drinking after his mother passed. I don't think he knew how to cope with death and it lead him to hit the bottle. To say it was nightmarish is an understatement - which is probaby why I never drink (besides health reasons).

He was ALWAYS violent when he was drunk..so we already knew what was coming and my mum would hide any potential "weapons" eg. cutlery just in case.

The violence and drinking escalated. He'd beat us all .My mum did leave him eventually. I always wished she had done it sooner and was angry at her for a long time because I didn't understand why she would let us suffer at his hand like that.
She did explain that she was scared of what he might do if she did leave and her own fears trapped her into staying until she got a big wake up call oneday.. the wake up call being that he would take her life.

---

re: what made him start: I'm not entirely sure. He's been what I'd call an alcoholic since I was about 5 (I'll be 33 this week), though he apparently drank quite a bit before that, too.
My dad was never physically abusive (to me - I've since found out that he would hit my Mom), but has always been a very unpleasant person when he's drunk.
I won't get into it here (because, honestly, I don't like to think about it...and, then, honestly, I feel like a whiner after knowing what others have gone through), but I don't have very many pleasant memories of him after my very early childhood.

I'm like you - I don't drink very much at all now. I can appreciate a fine craft brew once in a blue moon, but I can't even finish an entire bottle. I'll generally take a sip or two, and leave it there.

posted March 09, 2013 09:12 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Lexxigramer:
A good friend and a brother-in-law,
drank themselves to death before age 40.
My mother is still a drunk at age 78.
My father quit about age 39 after he almost died due to his drinking health related ills.
I do not know what to say to help.
{{{hugs }}}

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posted March 09, 2013 09:30 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by PixieJane:
Yes.

My dad is cold to me, and also over a thousand miles away living in a city I swore I'd never return to (even if I did once anyway), so I haven't visited him since the summer of 2004 (and the last time I spoke to him before 2004 was when I was 14 while he and Mom were fighting over child support and they were trying to bribe me on who I chose to live with). He's managed to hold down a steady job and pay his bills (including child support), I have to give him credit for that, but he's paid dearly for his love affair with alcohol.

And so has Mom (but I haven't seen her much since I was 16 either).

I was friends with a nurse before she went back to Canada and she told me horror stories of what alcohol does to a body (she was one of those "legalize pot, severely restrict alcohol"), not to mention the social effects (from drunk driving accidents, people killed because drunks fell asleep with a lit cigarette in their hand, to her own experiences at the hands of a husband who routinely got drunk and beat the crap out of her and her children until she was forced to shoot him to death in self-defense as he was swearing he was going to kill her and the kids and she believed him, and though she knows she did the right thing in killing him that was a bitter memory burned into her soul, plus her son who saw it was never the same after, even if did at least get to grow up, and she hates the demon alcohol now). That, and this thread, suddenly makes me think maybe it's best if I don't see them again...it would make me sad to see them all rotted out mentally & physically with alcohol poisoning like that.

---

I have to give my dad credit there as well.
He can (generally) hold down a job and seems to hold it together at work.
He has an MS in Accounting and executive experience, though, and has fallen quite a bit from where he was when I was younger.

As I said above, I rarely drink (on top of what I believe to be my genetic predisposition towards addiction, red wine gives me horrible headaches) and I don't smoke (anything), but (from what I've seen) weed is so much less harmful than alcohol.
Nothing is useful when abused, but it seems like there is both less propensity and less detriment in the consistent use of marijuana than the consistent use of alcohol.

posted March 09, 2013 05:37 PM            

Really, what can be done can only come from inside of him, and if he does not want to do anything then there is nothing to be done.

posted March 11, 2013 09:13 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by teasel:
...

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posted March 11, 2013 09:13 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by juniperb:
In each of your situtations, I have the deepest empathy. I am so happy your children will not witness Grandpas sickness.

Yes Mockingbird, it is sad and I know you feel helpless. Your post shows the love and compassion you hold.
I so often wished my Dad was a drunk. It would have been a reason to lay on his abuse. Selfish I know and indeed, if he had been a drunk, it may have been much worse.

My prayers today for all addicts in the universe.

---

posted March 11, 2013 09:15 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Faith:
*hugs*

So sad....

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Thank you, Faith

posted March 11, 2013 09:22 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by YoursTrulyAlways:
Just to be clear, he won't have priority on a cadaver list. Especially not around Northern Virginia. I assume he's in Alexandria too. (My Mrs family was from Reston/Leesburg btw).

Anyway, Im hoping a member of the extended family still adores him. A living donor liver lobe transplant may work, but risks are heightened for both recipient and donor. That's in a true emergency. It generally takes upwards of a year before a cadaver liver is made available. I'm on standby for my son with my right kidney and a liver lobe.

Livers regenerate. So, surgeons removing half your liver will still allow your liver to fully regenerate in a couple of months.

It's still risky. They open you up. They cut off a portion of your liver while clamping off the right blood vessels without damaging what you have, and then remove the portion cut off and transplant it. Causes higher incidence of death to the donor, and less so for the recipient.

Been dealing with this medical crap for a long time. My first daughter would be 18 years old on March 27th.

---

He's more out by your wife's family - the Chantilly area. We're actually now in the southern part of the county - more southern Clifton/Fairfax Station.

If you've ever gone to a crew meet down here, you've seen our house. The park in which those take place was constructed with land claimed via eminent domain from my family.

re: a living donor: I'm going to sound cold here, but it won't be from me, at least not while he's an active alcoholic.
I will not risk my health (or, more to the point, the health of my children's mother) for someone who will continue with this behavior.

posted March 11, 2013 01:41 PM              

my father had a raging temper, alcohol made it worse but he could go off when he was sober too, however the ONLY time he raised a hand to any of us (four kids and mother) was one day when he spanked me, quite deliberately, for blaming a childhood "crime" on my little sister.

ie he was not physically violent, in those days spanking was considered TOTALLY NORMAL discipline. and both my parents were PHYSICALLY non-violent.

but i know full-time weed smokers whose paranoia leads them to exercise verbal and physical abuse on those they feel the need to control...they mostly grew up in families where beatings were considered as normal as spanking, which honestly, having experienced it, is not the same, though i still consider it abuse.

padre is 100% on the money, cures can ONLY come from inside. and unfortunately even the non-violent non-drinking offspring of violent drunks frequently visit emotional abuse on their kids unless they have really gone inside and dealt with their own issues...this is one of the "sins of the fathers" that is revisited down the generations. and maybe more damaging than any physical harm done in childhood...

i feel for you all who have had to deal with abuse as helpless children. i will say that, while i was the only one who ever got spanked, i was also the "lucky" one...one day, when i was in my teens and my father had been in therapy for some time, he explained to me after one of his tirades that it wasn't really ME he was yelling at, but that, seeing me repeating errors of judgment he made in his youth, he panicked that i would suffer the same nasty consequences, self-sabotage being high on the list...

posted March 21, 2013 04:16 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by juniperb:
In each of your situtations, I have the deepest empathy. I am so happy your children will not witness Grandpas sickness.

Yes Mockingbird, it is sad and I know you feel helpless. Your post shows the love and compassion you hold.
I so often wished my Dad was a drunk. It would have been a reason to lay on his abuse. Selfish I know and indeed, if he had been a drunk, it may have been much worse.

My prayers today for all addicts in the universe.

---

Juni

Abuse is simply devastating. The hardest part is the emotional/mental issues which may develop. The most important part is the healing process - which can be quite difficult and it can take years to finally reach a point where you can overcome it and move on. Some remain affected by it throughout their lives.

To those who survived

------------------

quote:

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Remember, love can conquer the influences of the planets....It can even eliminate karma.

---

posted March 24, 2013 06:47 PM            

Oh! But I'm afraid my mother's ruined her health more by drinking for such a long time! She smokes, too. I'm afraid if she gives up smoking that she might go back to drinking so I'm afraid for her to quit, even though I know she wants to. Also, because I'm so young (and never had a stable household and am also VERY VERY VERY dependent on my mom) I'm afraid of her dying before I ever get a job. I'm really eager to get married even though I still want to live with my mom as long as I can. I just don't feel like I'll be able to take care of myself.

Here's her chart:

And here's mine:

posted March 25, 2013 04:23 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by swampys:
I have AS which is a form of autism, so there is a chance that he actually could be retarded... and that's devastating. I'm impulsive and indulgent so I think there's a strong chance that I'd become an alcoholic, too.

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Swampys,

Just because you have AS does not imply that your parents are mentally challenged. Both my wife and I have AS. My father has AS. My father was an international bank chairman and CEO. I am a banker. Neither of us have had AS as an impediment to our cranial capacity nor career acheivement. Both my sons have AS, and my eldest son has especially severe AS. Yet, he is ultra high acheiving. None of us are "retarded."