posted July 13, 2006 01:16 AM              

THE GEMINI B*STARD

Relationships just don’t hold much appeal for a Gemini b*stard. The hours are terribly inconvenient. Intimacy is stifling. Monogamy sucks. Rules are stupid. As for the thought of spending time with you – that’s absolutely terrifying. See, you could get too close. Then you’d want to know what’s deep down inside of him. And he’s afraid to show you because he’s not quite sure what’s down there himself. (Our bets are on a primordial black hole.) This is why he’ll prefer to keep you as just an acquaintance. Even after you’re married to him. But there’s good reason for his behavior: he’s possessed. No, don’t call the exorcist. This isn’t a medieval chant, holy water and crucifix thing. It’s worse. A Gemini b*stard has many demons – a multitude of personalities living inside him, each of whom qualifies as a b*stard in his own right.
Firstly, there’s Mikey. He gets to go first because he has the earliest bedtime. He’s eternally four years old, and alternates between a total cherub and the brat from hell – the former when he’s asleep and the latter when he’s awake. He makes all the major financial, family and relationship decisions. In fact he handles everything of importance. When the rare occasion arises on which he needs advice, he turns to Zoltan (scroll down). Otherwise he is a normal four-year-old – incapable of taking care of himself: Spending time with him is like any normal four-year-old play session: it usually ends in tears. Your tears. Of sheer frustration.
A psychiatrist would diagnose Mikey as a symptom of the fact Gemini doesn’t want to grow up and take responsibility for his life. Whether or not this is true, Mikey is a minor and as such cannot be held responsible for his actions either by you or the law.
Next up is Tony, a real piece of work. He’s a used car salesman. A very, very good one. He’s the reason you’re in a relationship with a Gemini b*stard in the first place. He’s very good at selling things nobody wants. When you confront Gemini and tell him you don’t believe he (sob) truly cares about you, Tony jumps in with something along the lines of: “But Sarah, the idea of life without you is inconceivable to me. You are my reason for living, the most important person in my world,” etc. He’ll seem so sincere and convincing you’ll believe him, even though your name is Rachel.
Oh, and have you met Frank? You’ll just love Frank. He works the room for a living. He’s the life and soul of a double-vodka-martini cocktail party. He’s intensely interested in people other than you. For up to five minutes at a time. If he seems superficial, that’s only because he is. The “other people” adore Frank and invite him everywhere, encouraging him to be even more annoying.
Walter, on the other hand, is dreadfully unpopular. He’s nervous, jumpy and always in need of a good stiff drink. He appears whenever there’s a tense or stressful situation and runs around making an awful commotion without actually being of any use.
Charles is infinitely more useful. A brilliant prosecuting attorney always is. Whenever Gemini finds he has painted himself into a corner (and you think you’ve finally pinned him down) Charles comes to the rescue. He is logical, cynical and heartless. He can make you admit to committing crimes you’ve never even heard of. Unfortunately for justice, he uses his formidable talent to prosecute the victim. And in the case of dating Gemini, you are always the victim.
Last and least is Zoltan. Master Sorcerer, Dragon Slayer, Defender of the Universe and Keeper of the Legendary Golden Orb (the one with the sticker that says “For use in the event of the complete destruction of mankind. Press blue button to save world. If you feel like it” ). We aren’t really sure where Zoltan fits in. he is officially in charge of changing light bulbs, refilling ice-cube trays and other light domestic chores (but, naturally, a man on whom the fate of the entire universe depends can’t be expected to be good at mundane details). We also suspect he’s the one responsible for listening when wives and girlfriends want to “talk”.
So now you know it’s not your Gemini b*stard doesn’t care about you, its just that Zoltan is limited in what he can do to resolve your problems when he exists in another reality. Once you get those earthly problems out into deep space, they look kind of small and insignificant, and just how practical can you expect someone named Zoltan to be? (Warning: Zoltan has been known to make the leap across the space-time continuum to go out on dates).
Mikey, Tony, Frank, Walter, Charles and Zoltan all interact with each other.
They egg each other on, whip each other into mad frenzies and appear in random order to torment you. The medical term for this is Multiple Personality Disorder.
Because Gemini lives amid this turmoil he will continually change his ideas and opinions. What he says today won’t mean anything tomorrow and it probably didn’t mean much today either. You could see this as a natural result of him having to deal with his conflicting personalities. Or you could see it as a result of him being a two-faced, two-timing, lying b*stard. But, thankfully, there are a few things guaranteed to remain constant in your Gemini b*stard. These things are the traits all his personalities have in common. They are never ever wrong. They are never ever at fault. And they will never ever have an attention span of longer than 15 seconds.
So if Gemini plans to go to the movies with you a week ahead of time and actually follows through, see it as a long-term commitment (sorry, this is as good as it gets) and send out the wedding invitations.
Once you are married and you decide you and the kids would really like to see your Gemini b*stard more than once a week – though most likely, this will be enough – all is not lost. Just get work experience as a warden in a maximum security facility where the inmates are constantly trying to escape. Then you’ll know how to deal with him. Or pack up the family and move to Alcatraz. They’ll put you in separate cells, but at least you’ll know where your Gemini b*stard is at all times.

HOW TO SPOT ONE
Gemini is particularly hard to spot. He’ll be standing in front of you, talking to you at one instant, and he’ll be a blur in the distance the next. This is a real problem if you want to shoot him.

WHERE TO FIND ONE
On television chat shows, on psychiatrists’ couches, on the phone to recorded-message services or at a McDonald’s drive-thru having an interesting discussion without making an emotional commitment.

HOW TO INTRIGUE ONE
Don’t require sympathy. Or consistency. Or fidelity. Or company. Don’t ask where he is going. Or when he might be back. Or if he is coming back. And don’t ever ask anything more emotionally demanding than “How are you?” or “Where did you get your shoes?”

THE FIRST DATE
Enjoy it. He will actually pay attention to you, as he isn’t bored with you yet. (Tip: To prolong his interest, try not to wear clothing more interesting than you are.)

WHEN TO DO THE DEED
As soon as possible. How often do you get the chance to indulge in group sex? (All Gemini’s personalities take part in sex. This means he doesn’t have to have an emotional obligation to you as you’re technically sleeping with other people.)

WHEN TO POP THE QUESTION
At times you’ll see that, not-so-deep-down, Gemini is truly committed to you.
Like when he manages – without the help of cue cards – to remember the names of your three children. This is as good a time as any to bring up marriage. And unless you want your kids to resent you for not managing to marry their father within their lifetime, don’t be too demanding. Holding out until he manages to put the right name to the right child is asking far too much.

IF HE DROPS YOU
It doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you anymore. He’s just forgotten you, that’s all. If you really miss him, engineer a chance meeting. You’ll pique his interest, as he’ll find you vaguely familiar, reminding him of someone … hmmm … whom he can’t quite place. Then you can start dating him all over again.

posted July 13, 2006 01:31 AM              

HE CANCER B*STARD
Dear Mother
I hope you are well. I am doing fine, but wish you were here. A weekend away seems such a long time. Have just met a girl who I think could be the one. Like you, she is pretty and really nice. I am sure the two of you will get on like a house on fire.

Your ever-devoted son,
Cancer.

Well, we couldn’t have put it better ourselves. You’re the house; she’s the fire. And guess which one which one of you ends up the worse for wear?
To be fair, though, every mother openly loves her son and therefore secretly resents his girlfriend. In return, every son secretly loves his mother and openly resents his girlfriend. But any boy should have the decency to look visibly embarrassed when mummy combs his hair and wipes his face with a hanky laced with her own spit. When he’s thirty-eight.
However, we’re not talking about a grown man here, are we? We’re talking about Cancer. So if you’ve just fallen in love with one, best of luck. Hopefully the old bag is dead. Because if she is still rattling around, you don’t stand a bloody chance. The Cancer b*stard’s relationship with his mother is the keystone to his existence. His ties to the apron strings make Oedipus look like a well-balanced type who left home at an early age and occasionally remembered to send his mother a birthday card.
Either Cancer dotes on mother to death and no other woman can become betwixt, or else he hates her guts and therefore detests that 51 percent of the population capable of bearing children.
It’s probably better he leans toward the latter because that way, he’ll be so repellant, you won’t want to go anywhere near him. Unfortunately, he’s more likely to be trotting over to her coven on a regular basis on a regular basis, affording her the opportunity to watch every wrong move you make. And let us tell you now: you won’t be good enough for her son. Which she will tell him. And then tell him to tell you. This is often why Cancer will put off introductions between the two of you as long as possible, and it is the only aspect of his widespread gutlessness to be applauded and, indeed, encouraged.
To your face, Cancer’s mother will be as sweet as pie. But when you’ve looked beyond the wart on the end of her nose, and begun to watch very, very closely, you’ll soon realize where the term son-of-a-b!tch came from.
She’ll generously load your plate with kilos of kilojoules in the hope you’ll end up as fat as her. Then. After you politely refuse a second helping, she’ll kindly enquire after your eating disorder.
When Cancer – who is in his high-chair at the kitchen bench toying with his mashed steak, away from the adults – looks certain to leap to your defense, she’ll fix him with the kind of glare that makes you all of a sudden want to reach for the dictionary and find out what “g!mlet” actually is. She’ll subliminally click her tongue when you let him get up and wash his own bowl and spoon. It goes without saying, she’ll be silently apoplectic when you pass him your plate to wash as well. When she can bring herself to speak again, she will innocently ask you why women of today can never seem to hold on to their men. This will prompt you to wonder why you haven’t yet seen hide or hair of Cancer’s father. (Popular myth says the Cancer b*stard didn’t have a father. Common legend has it, he was spawned. Stark reality deems Dad died years ago of filial disappointment.)
As things are now beginning to get a bit strained between you and her, Cancer will pull one of his infamous panic attacks. This translates into a very mild fever, the faintest hint of the tremors, a few tears and an inability to finish whatever he’s doing at the time. You won’t help matters much by callously standing by whilst mother rushes to his side, clears his air passage of any obstructions, does a quick Heimlich Manoeuvre and whips the sponge out of his shaking hands to do the dishes for him.
How were you to know about the dark family secret? No one told you Cancer was struck down at a tragically young age with mad cow’s disease. Now more popularly known as mother-who-molly-coddles. To date, your idea of babying an adult male has been to chuck him a codeine capsule as you waltz out the door to that all-important meeting or party.
So aggrieved you haven’t given him the milk of human kindness he so richly deserves and mother still provides by way of bottled formula, Cancer will proceed to do what he does best and have a “mood”. The huffs, puffs and sulks of Cancer, make his namesake seem like a really fun thing to have around. And just when you think the thing is in remission, he’ll scowl for a change of scenery.
Don’t be tempted to ask what’s wrong, because he’ll just say “nothing”. And, be reasonable, he’s hardly had time to get to know you over the last three years, with all that self-introspection he’s had to do. The only way to make amends is to buy him a really fabulous present on the way home – preferably something old and precious, so he can be reminded of you-know-who. Naturally, if this can’t be arranged, just slip him a cheque.
In order to keep him in the sheltered lifestyle she believes to be his birthright, Cancer’s mother never charged him board. Therefore Cancer has learnt over the years to enjoy hoarding money. And, since the brain-addled bat also discouraged him from being ambitious enough to get a well paid career when he grew up (because then he might flee the nest), he’s had to be extraordinarily mean in order to accumulate a lot of it.
On the off chance he does lash out on you (a box of home brand chocolates is always an encouraging sign), he’ll be so racked with worry about his proliferate spending, he’ll secretly hold it against you for months. So, if he does grudgingly proffer an extravagant gift, express your eternal gratitude, discreetly return it to the discount store from whence it came, and surreptitiously deposit the money back into his bank account.
Of course, this is precisely what he wanted you to do, but was too afraid to ask, because then you might scold him for being a sneaky, selfish little brat and just wait till you tell his mother! If there’s one thing he’s more terrified of than being upfront, it’s the thought of her walking steadily towards him with a grim expression and a heavy wooden coat-hanger.

HOW TO SPOT ONE
The grown man with the attributes of a vile child is invariably Cancer. If he’s also wearing a nappy, back off. He’s either too young for you, or too old.

WHERE TO FIND ONE
In a bookstore asking for directions to the self-help section; in a Good Samaritan bin shopping for your birthday present; out drinking with the lads, just to prove he’s one of them (however, one alcoholic beverage too many [one] and he’ll be whinging about how hard it ish to find a woman who can live up to hish mothersh expectashuns).

HOW TO INTRIGUE ONE
Tell him you like his mother. Tell him you like him. Or be honest, straightforward and positive and tell both of them to drop dead.

THE FIRST DATE
He’ll invite you over to dinner and cook for you because it’s cheaper than going out. On the rare occasion he invites you to his mother’s place, it’ll only be because he still lives there.

WHEN TO DO THE DEED
When he’s declared his undying love. Which he will. Very quickly. He’s a two-fingers-down-the-throat romantic who used to steal glances at his mother’s Barbara Cartland novels when normal boys were shoplifting Hustler. Just don’t be surprised when he takes it back again the next morning – particularly after mother bangs on the bedroom door and asks if he’s all right, because she heard him moaning and groaning through the night, and thought that he might have an upset tummy.

WHEN TO POP THE QUESTION
Never, ever, ever marry a Cancer b*stard. Or else you’ll be forced to become his surrogate mother, because that’s the only way you’ll get his attention, and her goat.

IF HE DROPS YOU
He’s doing you a big favour, and since favours aren’t his forte, you should be grateful. Of course, because the Cancer b*stard doesn’t like being alone with himself for too long (and who can blame him) he’s bound to come crawling back.

posted July 13, 2006 01:34 AM              

THE LEO B*STARD
Introductory note: It must be pointed out Mr. Leo’s play is yet to be performed in a real theatre. But we are informed by Mr. Leo, this is due to protracted negotiations with producers in London, who are terribly anxious to buy the rights. Indeed – as Mr. Leo himself said – this play has “West End” written all over it. And even taking into account this is the first play Mr. Leo has penned – in fact, his first piece of creative writing since high school – we have to say (because he is forcing us to) he is an outstanding master of the Genre. This is a model modern short play. It displays an art of construction one usually expects from the most revered and respected of writers. (Is that enough?) His dialogue, too, is worthy of much praise. Its deftness defies description; it never halts; it moves from beginning to end. And it’s so amazingly true to life. Except wittier. And sharper. And more poignant. Its sheer brilliance will astound you and leave you gasping for more. (There, satisfied now?) We truly appreciate Mr. Leo’s generosity in allowing us to print his amazing, soon-to-be-much-lauded-play in this most unworthy tome.

THE LOVES OF LEO
Written by Leo. Produced by Leo. Directed by Leo. Starring Leo.

Important : No performance of this play may be given unless written permission has been obtained from Leo, and he is allowed to produce, direct and star in it.

CAST OF CHARACTERS
Leo, played by himself. (The unbelievably dashing, irresistible, courageous – not to mention terrifically handsome – hero of the play, around whom all action revolves).

The Beautiful** Heroine, played by you. (Minor, though important supporting role.)

The Beautiful** Heroine’s More Beautiful** Rival, in this instance played by Meg
Ryan. (This is the role every other woman on earth is vying for. The purpose of this character is to make the heroine realize just what she is up against and to make her suitably grateful when Leo finally chooses her.)

The Much-Less-Exciting Man- played by someone like Daniel Day-Lewis or Brad Pitt. (This role is really just that of an extra – a clever plot device to point out how inferior all other men are to Leo. Naturally, there is no chance of the heroine or any other woman in the world preferring this lesser man to Leo.)

The Beautiful** Maid, played by you. (Again, another minor, though important supporting role.)

Leo had initially wanted to write The Loves of Leo: A Midsummer Night’s Dream, but someone named William-something had thoughtlessly used the title first. It goes without saying, Leo’s version would have been much better. ** Though not as beautiful as Leo.

The Very Appreciative Audience, played by you, Meg Ryan and all the other men in the world.

NB: All the characters are in modern costume. Leo is wearing faultless, immaculately tailored evening clothes which set off his hair, height and coloring perfectly. As for the rest of the cast, well, it doesn’t really matter what they’re wearing does it?

ACT ONE
Scene: The tastefully and delightfully appointed drawing room of Leo’s house. The Beautiful Heroine, the Beautiful-Heroine’s-More-Beautiful Rival and The Much-Less-Exciting Man are all present and seated. [The very Appreciative Audience is also present but not visible] There is an air of melancholy about in the three, as they are all desperately missing the sparkling presence of their charming host who has momentarily left the room. After a couple of suspense-filled minutes, the drawing-room doors are flung open with a flourish and Leo enters, causing the whole room to look brighter as a result of his charming presence.
Leo [looking around]: Hello everybody. Why so glum? Have you been missing the sparkling presence of your charming host?
[The Very Appreciative Audience bursts into wild applause making it impossible for the play to continue for about five minutes]
Leo [starting to speak amid the subsiding applause, longing sighs and occasional fainting of The Very Appreciative Audience – showing the world he is not the egotist he is wrongfully reported to be]: Well? [Once again, Leo shows why he is regarded as the savior of the lost art of drawing-room conversation]
The Beautiful Heroine and the Beautiful-Heroine’s-More-Beautiful Rival [in unison, whilst gazing adoringly at Leo – as one does]: Yes, we missed you terribly. Life is not the same without you. Leo [brushing off this blatant, but understandable adoration]: How about a drink then? Where is that maid of mine? [Spotting the Beautiful Heroine] Get us all a drink will you, Love?
[The Beautiful Heroine / maid scurries off to do as she has been asked, grateful to be of use to her – and everybody’s – hero] The Much-Less-Exciting-Man [opens his mouth to say something]: Um … [He realizes just in time, he can never say anything to compare to the witty, intelligent conversation of Leo and politely leaves the room in recognition of the other man’s natural superiority.]
Leo: Rather flighty chap, isn’t he? [Allowing us a glimpse of the true understanding of human nature present in this exceptional man. Indeed, it causes much murmuring in The Very Appreciative Audience. At this point, The Beautiful Heroine returns to the room with drinks for everyone. Neither she nor
The-Beautiful-Heroine’s-More-Beautiful Rival even notices The Much-Less-Exciting-Man has left. It is difficult for them to notice anyone else when Leo is in the room.]
Leo [taking a drink and a handful of delicate, mouth-watering pastries that The Beautiful Heroine whipped up whilst she was fetching the drinks]: Hey, these are good.
[The Very Appreciative Audience spontaneously bursts into thunderous cheering at this heartfelt compliment to the Beautiful Heroine, because it indicates Leo knows women like it when you say nice stuff to them, and also shows he’s not swayed by mere physical beauty. After all, The Beautiful-Heroine’s-More-Beautiful Rival is better looking, but Leo never said anything to her.]
Leo [playing to the audience]: Yes [nods, causing himself to look even more thoughtful and handsome]. Very good, indeed. [The Very Appreciative Audience erupts once more and The Beautiful-Heroine’s-More-Beautiful Rival dashes off to the kitchen in an attempt to gain Leo’s attention.]
Leo [to the Beautiful Heroine, demonstrating his awesome powers of observation]: It looks like we’re alone.

CURTAIN
[The Very Appreciative Audience leaps to its collective feet to give a two-hour standing ovation to the genius responsible for the play]

Concluding note: Once again, Mr. Leo has requested we point out the brilliance of his play, this time by focusing on the gargantuan intellect it must have taken to produce the cliffhanger ending. Naturally, he won’t leave you in suspicion forever, and we’re sure you’ll await the sequel with bated breath. He’s going to call it The Loves of Leo II: To Be Or Not To Be. Okay, look, you tell him its been done before. We’ve had it.

HOW TO SPOT ONE
His entrance will always be preceded by a drum-roll. If you miss his entrance you’ll find him already strategically positioned under a spotlight. You can’t miss him there – not with the two game show hostesses on either side of him, pointing him out. You might also notice the Hand of God above his head scrawling a cloudy message in the air: Women of the world, my gift to you.
Regards, God.
P.S.: Those of you who don’t believe in Me can also have him.

WHERE TO FIND ONE
Anywhere there is an audience of at least one.

HOW TO INTRIGUE ONE
Look up at him in wonder and say ingeniously: “My, what a big, strong man you are” “Gee, I wish I was as smart / witty / brave as you” or “Are you a famous movie star?” Or just wear a full-length mirror around your neck and don’t say anything at all.

THE FIRST DATE
The first date will be quite enjoyable. You have never heard all his stories before, so you will find them quite entertaining. They’re even bearable when you hear them for the second time on your second date.

WHEN TO DO THE DEED
On the third date. You need to do something to avoid hearing his life story again, and sex will shut him up nicely. Of course, earplugs or refusing to see him any more would have the same effect, but we’re working on the assumption he is – that, in the course of two dates, you will have fallen madly in love with him and now find it completely impossible to live without him.

WHEN TO POP THE QUESTION
He’ll decide when you want to get married. Just be ready to answer with a breathless “Yes, of course” when he lets you know where and when the wedding’s taking place. Then pretend your tears are caused by joy when he shows you the lace monstrosity you’ll be wearing. And appear to be suitably grateful when he informs you you’re allowed to choose one bridesmaid to go with the six he’s already selected.

IF HE DROPS YOU
Did you dare to leave your much-sought-after position at his feet being adoring in order to go to work? Did you exchange entire sentences with another man (never mind that he was your brother-in-law)? Did you have a point of view other than his? Or did you laugh at him when he wasn’t being intentionally funny?
Well, then, we’re not surprised. You had it coming to you.

posted July 13, 2006 01:40 AM              

THE VIRGO B*STARD
Ever wondered what goes on in the mind of a serial killer? Find out what Interpol has been trying to discover for years, and date a Virgo b*stard. Because, if you are going to be a successful psychopath, you have to:
- Enjoy repeating the same tedious task in the same mind numbing fashion.
- Have an unhealthy obsession with the little details – details normal people can’t be bothered with because they’ve got lives.
- Be too thick-skinned to notice people crossing to the opposite side of the street when they see you.
- Write checklists to ensure you do everything you keep threatening to do.

If you’re currently in love with Virgo and you don’t want to believe the truth (“He seems such a nice, quiet, unassuming kind of guy”) pick up any detective novel that features an ice-pick wielding nutter and then try telling us he doesn’t remind you of someone you know and its all just a bunch of alarming coincidences.
Let’s face it, massive generalizations and sweeping statements aside, the circumstantial evidence is overwhelming. Like the odd little habits Serial Killer slash Virgo picked up in childhood. Even if you replace pulling wings off insects with stamp collecting, exchange bed wetting for train-spotting and substitute a fascination with lighting fires for an unhealthy interest in algebra, you’ve got to admit the similarities are pretty disturbing.
This budding Bates is so spine-tinglingly awful, his own mother encourages him to take lollies off strangers and tries to lose him in shopping centers. If she’s lucky – and he takes her advice about only crossing roads when the red man is flashing – she won’t have to put up with him telling her how to defrost her fridge correctly.
Then there’s the usual (yawn) teenage angst that turns the slightly creepy, skinny youth into a veritable walking time bomb. A traumatic experience, like the fact people make it patently obvious they hate his guts because he’s so bloody anal, is a good place to start. His well-scrubbed, clean-cut features and neatly creased trousers make it only right that other boys should want to beat him up. The fact he can’t understand why they pick on him, gives them all the more reason to do so. And who can blame the girls for refusing to kiss him behind the school lavatory?
To do so means he’d be close enough to scrutinize them. Serial Killer-slash-Virgo is such a nitpicker he won’t just see the spots on their chins, he’ll also see the blackheads, whiteheads, open pores and broken capillaries. And if he does happen to be staring deeply into their eyes, it’s a dead cert he’s moonlighting as an iridologist. No wonder the adult version is so unsuccessful with women (which, by the way, is another tired excuse the average psycho uses to justify his anti-social behavior when the overweight, chain-smoking alcoholic / detective eventually catches up with him).
That penetrating Virgo gaze will turn you into a quivering mass of neuroses in no time. Yes, you could choose to do it with the lights off, but then you won’t be able to see him reach under the bed for his icepick.
It goes without saying he’ll also put your domestic habits under the microscope.
If you’re the kind of girl who thinks housework means waving a vacuum cleaner in the general direction of the living-room, you’re going to drive Virgo insane (which takes quite a lot of doing, since “drive” and “Virgo” don’t exactly go hand in hand). Likewise, if your idea of cleaning the bathtub consists of chucking in a bar of soap whilst douching, prepare for problems.
Of course, we’re not for one moment suggesting you’ll end up on his things-to-do list. And look on the bright side anyway: ending up dead will be a lot less painful in the long run than putting up with his incessant nagging. Virgo’s obsession with your domestic hygiene borders on the pathological. The reason for this is obvious to everyone save fat detectives stalking serial killers.
Leave him to his own devices and he’s wont to sit quite happily in his own mess for months at a time. However, if you keep his house sparkling clean, the people from forensic aren’t going to be able to pick up stray hair, blood and bone off the living room carpet.
Having said all this, there is one vice authors habitually omit when describing Virgo’s less endearing qualities. And that’s because they are even too appalled to put it down on paper. Whippings and beatings they can happily handle. Lashings of liver and buckets of blood they can just about stomach. But let’s not talk about [insert stage-managed whisper here] his spending habits.
It would be a gross miscarriage of justice to call Virgo mean with money. “Mean” is an inoffensive little word that cannot hope to conjure up the penurious ways of this ******* . Instead, try calling him “an outrageous tightwad who would
steal the coins out of a blind man’s hat if he thought no one was looking”.
Virgo is so careful with his cash; he never actually leaves home with it. However, he’s quite willing to let you spend yours – usually on expensive suits for him to replace the bloodstained ones he’d had put into the drycleaners. As with all his other bad behavior, there is a deep-rooted psychological excuse for his skinflint shenanigans: since his clients don’t pay him for the work he does on their behalf, nor do they leave him anything in their wills, he’s bound to be financially bereft.
Indeed, to cut a long story short, the only things Virgo willingly spends his and / or your money on are personal grooming kits for him, household-cleaning products for you and, yes, those infernal icepicks.

HOW TO SPOT ONE
If he looks vaguely familiar, that’s because he is. You probably saw an artist’s sketchy impression on Crime Spotters the night before and faintly remember words like “bludgeoned”, “manhunt” and “Virgo”. However, he’s much more attractive in the flesh. He’s well groomed and often fair of hair – like most serial killers in most killer serials. Just look for the cool, calm, collected one doing nothing but staring disconcertingly at you from across the room.

WHERE TO FIND ONE
Holding up bank queues querying bank charges. Loitering outside self-motivation seminars. Loitering inside the Army Reserves. In a public lavatory wiping the evidence off his hands. In a maximum-security psychiatric ward complaining the warden put his jacket on back to front and, furthermore, it doesn’t go with his trousers.

HOW TO INTRIGUE ONE
Mention your inheritance in casual conversation. At the same time, run your finger seductively up and down the bar counter and comment upon the disgraceful amount of dust there.

THE FIRST DATE
When he eventually gets around to asking you out, he’ll take to one of those Hare Krishna centers where for less than 50 cents you can have all the lentils you do not wish to eat! (Handy hint: don’t insincerely offer to split the bill unless you genuinely want to get rid of all the small change in the bottom of your handbag.) Be on your guard if, towards the end of the evening, he says he knows this great little spot for an after-dinner drink and it happens to be a cellar, atop a cliff or up a dark alley.

WHEN TO DO THE DEED
Don’t. The Virgo b*stard does for sex what Hannibal Lector did for the Beef and
Livestock Corporation.

WHEN TO POP THE QUESTION
What question are we talking about here? “When you polish your faucet in future can you also remember to clean the bathtub?”, “How come I’m paying for dinner again?” or “Why do you wax the hair on your chest when you’ve got so little on your head?”

IF HE DROPS YOU
Like most things in Virgo’s life, he’ll probably never get around to it. If he does, it’s obviously because you didn’t keep his shower recess clean enough or file his grocery receipts properly. Either that or you flicked through the mug shots at the local police station, pointed to his face and said “That’s him. That’s the low-life who loaned me 40 cents to make an emergency phone call after he attempted to hack me to death.”

posted July 13, 2006 01:44 AM              

HOW TO SPOT ONE
He’s the charmingly boyish, well-dressed one standing in the corner – near the mirror, trying to make his mind up as to whether should approach you. You can absolutely sure he is a Libra b*stard if his decision takes more than a day.

WHERE TO FIND ONE
At forks in the road, in modern, dual-flushing toilets or on the judging panel of the Ms World contest. In fact, anywhere there are trivial decisions to be made.

HOW TO INTRIGUE ONE
Appear to know who you are and where you are going. Appear to be Cindy Crawford fresh from a Revlon shoot. Appear to be carefree and unused to heavy thoughts. Appear to be his mother. Then wait with the patience of an angel for him to make a move.

THE FIRST DATE
The first date with Libra is usually quite wonderful. He’ll take you to a popular place where the wine (you chose it), wit (yours, that is) and conversation (yours again) will flow. He’ll even pick up the bill with a generous flourish (he’s seen other men do it). So why did you have to go and spoil it all by asking if he’s going to call you again?

WHEN TO DO THE DEED
Hold out as long as possible – it’s not like you’ll be missing anything. Stretch it out for a year or two whilst he’s busy deciding whether or not to date you. In any case, it’ll end up being your decision and therefore your fault.

WHEN TO POP THE QUESTION
When you want the relationship to end.

IF HE DROPS YOU
This means he has met somebody else, as he’s incapable of ending a relationship without help from a grown-up. If you try and get him back, it’ll just confuse him. Whether or not he goes or stays, he’ll claim you forced him into the decision. Best to leave well enough alone.

posted July 13, 2006 02:21 AM              

P.S. Sagittarius does everything back to front. He speaks before he thinks, leaps before he looks and loves you only after you have left him. Which is why, when people say Sagittarius is a lucky b*stard, they’re dead right. The fact that you haven’t murdered him yet is a miracle. The fact that his other girlfriends haven’t murdered him either is a godsend. The fact that real astrologers can find nice things to say about him, wasting entire virgin rainforests in the process, is pure magic.
In the olden days, philosophers used to comfort themselves with the knowledge that “I think, therefore I am not Sagittarius.” No small thanks to me and a proliferation of Piscean protest groups, who didn’t like victimization of any kind, unless it was specifically directed at them, the phrase became bastardized somewhat, and even now, Sagittarius still don’t have a clue what the phrase means.
What the wise old men of yore were trying to say, no doubt, is that the Sagittarius b*stard dives head-first into mind-boggingly unsuitable situations, without so much as a second thought, because the first ones are hard enough.
Then, when, what men and women of science kindly refer to as his “brain”, has had time to catch up with his actions, he jumps back out again just as quickly. (In a perfect world, men who acted on impulse would send flowers to teenage girls who used cheap deodorant and leave it at that. This, however, is the real world, and in the real world you have got Sagittarius running amok getting teenage girls pregnant and leaving them for even younger girls who wear even cheaper deodorant.)
More irritating than the cold sores you’ll mysteriously begin to develop, is the fact that Sagittarius is the one who started it all in the first place by hurling himself at your feet, literally begging to be enslaved. But as soon as you experience that warm fuzzy feeling in the pit of your stomach – commonly known as love / ulcer / morning sickness, he’s up and off. Its not because you aren’t the love of his life – don’t get him wrong. It’s just that now he’s had time to think (sic) about it, he’s finally realized current relationship problems could be due to the fact that you’re a black, radical feminist-communist, whose favorite pastime is absa!ling, and he’s a white, moderate chauvinist-fascist, whose terrified of scaling great heights.
The Sagittarius b*stard’s blind refusal to contemplate foresight before hindsight could be excused (because by now you have realized what you aren’t missing) if at the same time he didn’t have the temerity to tell you that was all your fault, and that you tricked him into it.
You didn’t tell him you were black. And why shouldn’t he the extremely rare and valuable lithograph of Joseph Stalin above your mantelpiece was a portrait of your Dad? And how was he to know you were a die hard feminist? You cooked dinner for him once, didn’t you? Okay, yes, he did have to pick your underarm hair out of the pasta, but so?
Frankly, it just serves as a good excuse for him to be as unfaithful as he likes, without all the boring guilt that goes along with it.
To say Sagittarius has a deep-rooted fear of monogamy is to say Salman Rushdie is slightly perturbed about dying. Indeed, advertising wankers have long been able to retire on the government they received for the rash of safe sex campaigns created especially for Sagittarius ******** ’ girlfriends. (The original slogan “avoid Sagittarius like the plague, otherwise you will end up catching it” was ditched during research, when the male Scorpio component complained about out and out favoritism.)
Sagittarius doesn’t own a stereo, not because he can’t afford one (which he can’t) but because the word hi-fidelity sends him into a cold sweat, as opposed to the hot one he got, due to the last bought of hepatitis. Truth be said though, the Sagittarius b*stard’s honesty is something to behold. If he’s screwed around, he’ll tell you. In excruciating detail. When you gently hint that you don’t care to know who put his hand where, he’ll put his great big foot in his great big mouth, and tell you that, well, actually, come to think of it, it wasn’t actually a hand, it was … (at this stage you are fully within your rights to put your hand, which is clenched, into his mouth, which is open, and fill it with lose teeth.)
If and when you meet his family, you’ll notice they too are hideously embarrassed by his tactless words and thoughtless manner. You’ll soon appreciate why he was kicked out of home at an early age and is only ever allowed back for major family get-togethers. Like funerals. And even then, in others’ darkest hours, he still can’t help but dig himself into a very large hole.
Asking his sister where her husband is (he’s the one in the coffin) is a good example of one of his more minor gaffes. In a hurried attempt to make amends, he’ll tell her he was only joking. When she promptly bursts into tears, he’ll try and make her feel better by saying that he didn’t think she and her now-dead spouse were all that well suited anyway. If the monumental blunders weren’t bad enough, there’s always the obligatory Sagittarius bluster to make you wish the ground would open up and swallow him. Since he doesn’t have two IQ points to rub together, Sagittarius doesn’t actually realize he’s an intellectual dwarf. So, at the wake, this walking claptrap will regale you and his relatives with facts about which he knows absolutely nothing. Ancient embalming techniques, Celtic burial rites and the psychological effects of reincarnation upon loopy Hollywood actresses, you name it, Sagittarius will be able to prattle on without a pause. Take him to task about his source and he’ll say he read it in a book. Since you know he doesn’t read anything he hasn’t written himself and you just know he can’t write because you do his remedial English assignments for him, you’ll feel compelled to point out to him that Playboy doesn’t count. Any rare pearls of wisdom from his lips are usually poached from someone who’s more intellectually gifted. Like you, for example.
Which brings us to our next point. If you’re so smart, what the hell are you doing dating him? And don’t start telling us its because he’s generous. Yes, Sagittarius might scatter money around as profligately as his seed. But this isn’t generosity, this is fiscal promiscuity. Once he’s spent all his family’s money, he’ll start spending yours. When that runs out, he’ll proceed to spend the earnings of his other girlfriends. Then the bank’s. Then the credit union’s. And then the loan shark’s. Again, it won’t be his fault when he’s eventually had up for bankruptcy / embezzlement / fraud in a Supreme Court or found in some squalid bedsheet sharing pillows with a horses head. Why didn’t you tell him those things with all the columns of numbers were load default statements? How was he to know the anonymous letters featuring clipped-out-of-newspaper words like PAY, UP, OR, YOU DIE were death threats? Anyway, what are you doing still hanging around? Didn’t he leave you? And don’t say you’re still with him because he’s a bloody lucky b*stard. He knows that. What d’you think he is? Stupid?

HOW TO SPOT ONE
He’s usually long of limb and short of cash. The wandering eye is not an optical dysfunction, no matter how many times he tries to convince him otherwise.

WHERE TO FIND ONE
In a flotation tank clearing his head. In a think tank feeling out his depth. At a bank asking for credit. At a brothel making a deposit.

HOW INTRIGUE ONE
Act intelligent.

THE FIRST DATE
If he thinks he can get you into bed, expect to be lavished. Just don’t be surprised when the debt collectors arrive at the restaurant to take away his meal.

WHEN TO DO THE DEED
Do so at your own risk. If you start developing facial lesions and can’t shake that particularly nasty bout of pneumonia, seek medical advice immediately.

WHEN TO POP THE QUESTION
When you decide you’d like to be a divorcee in the not-too-distant future.

IF HE DROPS YOU
Count yourself lucky but feign devastation nonetheless. And make sure he pays you the money he owes you.

posted July 13, 2006 02:41 AM              

HOW TO SPOT ONE
Find him attractive and he’ll be completely oblivious to your existence. Ignore
him and he’ll be all over you. Yes, we know, we’ve just described the behavior
of almost any man – so also look for an unhealthy gleam in his eye (as seen in
the eyes of people who live in small, padded rooms with locks on the outside).

WHERE TO FIND ONE
Look in the exalted circles of Noble laureates, inventors-of-things-that-help-mankind and great humanitarians to find your very own Aquarius b*stard. If this fails, look in the nearest loony bin, there are even more of them to chose from here.

HOW TO INTRIGUE ONE
Talk about some really interesting things you’ve done; like the time you restored peace in the Middle East; how you invented a cure for cancer; or when you discovered and communicated with a new form of life in the next galaxy – stuff like that. (Tip: In general conversation, try not to come across as too ideologically unsound)

THE FIRST DATE
It probably won’t be a “date” as such. He’s much more interested in you as a person and will ask you out on that pretext. After a few friendly encounters he’ll notice you are a girl – you can then move things along from there.

WHEN TO DO THE DEED
There is no need to abide by convention for this or any other aspect of your dealings with Aquarius. But do it discreetly so he doesn’t notice. He’d hate to think he was taking advantage of you. (NB: To save you from disappointment, be aware that when Aquarius mentioned The Big Bang Theory, he wasn’t referring to his sexual performance.)

WHEN TO POP THE QUESTION
Never, under any circumstances, do this. It will alert him to the fact you think of the relationship as more than just friendship. However, if you happen to be a member of an oppressed minority group, you stand a good chance of getting an Aquarius b*stard to the altar – he wouldn’t want to be guilty of discrimination.

IF HE DROPS YOU
He’ll never really drop you. He’ll always value you as a person. He’ll just stop having sex with you – so the relationship won’t change really.

posted July 13, 2006 02:55 AM              

To put it mildly, Pisces is a pathological liar: If you don’t believe us, try
this little quiz:
1. The Pisces b*stard you love refuses to look you straight in the eye when
he answers a slightly tricky question.
True / False?
2. He tries to avoid answering tricky questions whenever humanly possible.
True / False?
3. He says he loves you madly and has done at least one thing to prove it.
True / False?
If you answered True to any of the above, you are not dating a Pisces b*stard.
Either that, or you are a Pisces ******* , and you’re doing this quiz just to prove us right.
Because he’s at the @rse-end of the zodiac, Pisces is often referred to as the
astrological “rubbish tip”. What this means is he has a little bit of all the other star sign b*stards in him, which makes him a b*stard 12 times over. This in turn means he’s obliged to tell massive fibs so you won’t find out the awful truth.
When we first meet someone we like, its only natural to pretend to be something we are not. Otherwise none of us would get a date. However, it’s to what extent the truth is stretched, that separates the rest of the world from Pisces. For instance, you might be a bus conductor, but pretend you actually drive the bus. This is called a “gross exaggeration”. Pisces, however, will be the bus driver, and pretend it’s a really interesting job. This is called an “appalling lie”.
The lies he tells to make himself look better, are not to be confused with the little white ones he tells to protect your feelings (although how he can confuse his @rse with your feelings is a complete mystery to us).

When you accuse him of buying a house with his ex-girlfriend, he will deny it – even though you’re holding the deeds enclosed with his ‘n’ hers names. Instead he will say the real estate agent must have made a typing error. When you look at him in utter disbelief he’ll say, okay then, he bought it by accident. When you fall about laughing maniacally, he’ll whine that it wasn’t his fault – it was yours – and, besides, she made him do it.
But it’s the pointless fib he tells which will really have you reaching for a gun. Pisces will tell you he watched an art house film, when what he really did was sleep through it. He’ll say he had a chicken and salad sandwich, when he actually had a ham and salad sandwich. Why? Who the hell knows? We’re not psychologists. Go and ask his.
Fortunately, whilst Pisces was blessed with natural-born cunning and deceit, God denied him long-term vision. So even he can lie through his teeth to his little hearts content, he won’t have the foresight to remember what he said he did, who he said he did it to, and why he did it to her in the first place. This means that you will always find him out.
Obviously, the quicker off the mark you are, the sooner you’ll spot the yawning chasm between fact and fiction, and the faster you can drop him. Because, to be honest, once the initial thrill of catching him out wears off, you begin to resent being a full-time-lie-detector on legs.
It goes without saying, Pisces only lies when he opens his mouth. This is why he isn’t normally talkative. He figures if he doesn’t talk, he can’t lie – thus saving you and him a lot of unnecessary grief. His impressive evasive techniques aren’t limited to verbal exchanges however. He also figures if he avoids you on a physical level, you won’t see him for the truly gutless wonder he is.
Unfortunately this means he’ll never be there for you when you actually do have need for him. Don’t be upset when he misses the birth of your first child. He’ll either have been waylaid because he forgot to put petrol in the car (and petrol is a real and tangible thing whereby he is not), or he’s deliberately avoiding it, because you might leave him holding the baby.
He’s a loser. So why don’t you kill him? Well, there’s the mandatory life sentence to consider. And there’s the community outrage to take into account – after all, everybody loves a Pisces b*stard. He’s so bloody nice and kind, he makes Mother Theresa want to throw up. Naturally, you end up looking like Lucrezia Borgia on a bad day, whilst he’s busy perfecting his saint in situ look.
Truth be known though, Pisces spends a lot of time thinking about how caring and sharing he is, he rarely has time to act upon it. That’s why he is so sweet and tolerant. He never criticises your own foibles, because if he does, you can do likewise back to him (which you’ll do anyway, just so you can perpetuate the
myth about how he’s the Second Coming and you’re a complete cow).
Let’s be honest here, his passive-aggressive ways could test the patience of Gandhi. The innate ability of Pisces to sit and do and say nothing for years at a time means all decisions are made for him. By you. Which he loves, especially as most of them are to his detriment (i.e. you leave him) and he’s such a consummate martyr. How else can he feel legitimately sorry for himself and get everyone else to do likewise?
“Everyone else” is all his ex-wives and ex-girlfriends, whom he hasn’t quite let go, because he hates to get rid of the past. Take the “pack” out of “packrat” and its Pisces. He’ll keep some of the Polaroids, most of the love letters and all of the bits of fluff. Real astrologers misconstrue this as his intensely romantic nature. Unless we’re missing something here, we’re obliged to say, it’s all inside his head. Don’t expect to be deluged with expensive flowers, perfume or engagement rings unless he’s just told a whopper, and you’ve just found out. Sweet nothings are all you’ll get.
With a straight face and without missing a beat (yes, we’ve learnt from the best), we can honestly say it’s not surprising Pisces is known as the zodiacs biggest heartbreaker. Indeed, self-help books abound to help you try and get over him. Here’s one for starters:
Lie back in your chair. Take a deep breath and count to ten, you are now feeling calmer – so imagine you’re still in love with Pisces … Now bloody well wake up!

posted July 13, 2006 06:22 AM              

And Leo, it's true, Leos are the one and only.

And Aries! I have to say Aries is worse than the others at understanding women.

And Gemini! They are 4 years old forever! Feed them and make them comfortable or else.

Okay I am a bit Gemini with merc there, so I admit, my personality is a bit demanding too.

And my entire family can talk about nothing for 16 straight hours.

Natasha

posted July 14, 2006 12:30 AM              

Exactly what I did

posted July 14, 2006 06:51 PM            

Hee hee... I loved what you said I apologize if you felt I meant ALL taurus peeps... PS.. I smell like Jasmine

Take care,

posted July 16, 2006 11:18 AM              

Many happy days to you and Bear.

Honestly Taurus has issues with organization, so that could be why we are insensitive, you should see my house and all the projects.

Natasha

posted July 17, 2006 08:42 PM            

Hee hee.. yes I am a married lady now (I posted the pics on the photoshop website in my album). It's great!!!

We may be even in for some luck as he may be placed in an earlier advanced class in August AND he may get a permanent transfer back her to AZ!!!! YIPPEEEEE...

I love lilac.. it's one of my ultimate favorites..Lilac, Jasmine and Honeysuckle.

How are things going these days? Don't forget to e-mail me

posted August 05, 2006 11:17 PM              

quote:

---

THE CAPRICORN B*STARD

Finally, a man who takes relationships seriously. Blessed with the sensitivity of a security analyst, the humor of an IBM clone and the heart of a merchant banker, a Capricorn takes everything seriously.
His intentions towards you are entirely honorable. He is hard working and
ambitious. He wants to get married and raise a family. He has no problem with
the concept and implementation of commitment.

---

Do they have any descriptions for Cappys with Aqua moon and risings? Because this sure as hell doesn't fit the Capricorn ******* I know.

In fact. He doesn't want to get married or have any kids. Yikes!

------------------
Gemini/Cancer Cusp, Cancer ascendant, Taurus moon *29, Taurus venus, Libra mars
*----------*----------*
Things base and vile, holding no quantity,
Love can transpose to form and dignity.
Love looks not with the eye, but with the mind,
And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.

posted August 05, 2006 11:20 PM              

quote:

---

When a Scorpio b*stard looks at you, you will feel a strong urge to shed your underwear. He will have this baffling effect upon you, even if you’re in a very public place and you find him most unattractive.

---

LOL. This is how you usually know. and the eyes. Dangerous creatures. I got stung by one real bad once so I am very careful with these little creatures. I can spot one from 7 miles away.

I don't get attracted like that to every Scorpio male though.

But the description is very accurate.

------------------
Gemini/Cancer Cusp, Cancer ascendant, Taurus moon *29, Taurus venus, Libra mars
*----------*----------*
Things base and vile, holding no quantity,
Love can transpose to form and dignity.
Love looks not with the eye, but with the mind,
And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.

posted August 05, 2006 11:24 PM              

quote:

---

As for you, well, Taurus won’t tick you off immediately. He’ll just keep your innumerable betrayals on his mental scoreboard. Then, when your quota’s up, he’ll dismiss you. Ruthlessly. This can get a bit confusing, because the last straw could be the fact you didn’t pick up the groceries on your way home (you’ve finally been allowed out on your own, as long as its only to the corner shop.) So you will go through life believing Taurus dropped you because you forgot the milk, not because you were having it off with his best friend.

---

I can deifnitely relate. I have warned many people that I can only have patience for so long and when I do go it's out of the blue our of nowhere. The woman who loved to kiss you now can't stand even hearing your voice anymore.

Leaves people confused and hurt. But it always happens after they've hurt me.

They always try and come back but it's always to late. Just like I warned

------------------
Gemini/Cancer Cusp, Cancer ascendant, Taurus moon *29, Taurus venus, Libra mars
*----------*----------*
Things base and vile, holding no quantity,
Love can transpose to form and dignity.
Love looks not with the eye, but with the mind,
And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.