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Author Topic:   how to spot a b*st*rd(full version)
sugar_buns
unregistered
posted July 12, 2006 09:59 AM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
someone asked for it in cranky cap's thread so i thought to put the whole thing up...
1st comes taurus-

THE TAURUS B*STARD

You’re weaning yourself off the lithium and you’re in the process of finding a new job, savings account and new country to live in. in other words, you’re in the delicate process of recovering from a horrendous relationship with a total b*stard. (Aries, Scorpio and Pisces spring to mind here, for no apparent reason)
Who better than Taurus to charge into your life and help put you on the straight and narrow? The one who seriously knows what’s good for you and goes about giving it to you, no matter how many times you tell him to sod off… At this point we could cut an interminably long rant short by saying Hitler was a Taurus. But we can’t as the small army of the bloody b*stards breathing down our necks won’t let us … Therefore, while you helplessly look on, Taurus will storm up and down the war office that’s masquerading as a lounge room, issuing arrest warrants, editorial comments and rent tribunal complaints on your behalf. If you so much as attempt to get up and make yourself another glass of his fortifying home brew, he’ll bark at you to sit back down again as you don’t need to stand on your own two feet whilst he’s around. This usually has the effect of making you feel a bit redundant and fools him into dangerously misguided beliefs like he’s being incredibly useful. Don’t think you’re being unreasonable if, after a while, you feel like you don’t have a thought of your own. Even if you did, Taurus wouldn’t agree. For arguments sake, lets say that whilst gulping down the twelfth dodgy beer he bought, you chance upon the Virgin Mary glowering virtuously above the drinks cabinet. After you excitedly tell him about your immaculate discovery, he’ll declare that there is no such thing as God and you must be on drugs, (which is not far from the truth, since you have doubled your lithium intake in the vague hope that you’ll accidentally overdose).
However, you still have some of your facilities intact; one of which is pride. But even when you cross yourself, stand tall and point to Our Mary, Mother of God, whilst waving your diploma in Astrophysics, your degree in Visual Arts and your masters in Biblical Communications under his nose, he’ll still insist you don’t know what you’re talking about. As far as Taurus is concerned, you’re completely incapable of saying or doing anything by yourself. That’s where he comes in, again. You casually mention that now you’ve got your Ph.D. in Social Sciences and once you can face people again, you think it might be quite nice to have a career. Before you know it, there’s a party plan rep making nuisance calls. (Taurus is a tad old-fashioned that way. Career girls aren’t his cup of tea unless they actually make it for a living.) You mention in passing that once you’ve got over your fear of wide-open spaces, you’d quite like a holiday sometime in the near distant future. Done. Booked. Paid for. Where? Why do you need to know? What’s wrong with Poland? You’ll like it/ they don’t eat either.
You then let that slip, one day, when you’re well enough, you might like to have a baby. Low and behold, he waltzes into the bedroom waggling a thermometer, plotting your biorhythms and methodically filling in the appropriate forms to ensure young Taurus isn’t left on the waiting list for Scouts. The Taurus b*stard is so big on practicalities that before too long he’ll be making your toes curl, which the doctors say is an encouraging sign, since they had resigned themselves to you being a complete vegetable for the rest of your life.
You wouldn’t mind so much if he came up with solutions in a less predictably earnest and efficient manner. Then at least there would be a bit of gratuitous excitement, a spot of feckless recklessness to enjoy from the comfort of your coma. But to put it as politely as possible, Taurus is one of life'’ plodders. And whilst slow and steady may win the master race, its pretty tortuous to watch or to participate in. (Which is probably why you are still on the lithium and have quietly developed a methadone habit as well.)
Paradoxically, when he’s not running and therefore ruling your life for you, the Taurus b*stard is busy being chronically lazy. When it comes to doing things for himself, he won’t move unless he has to (i.e. to the fridge or the bar fridge). If he lives by himself, don’t be ecstatic when he invites you over to his place. It’ll look like a bomb’s hit it and this may very well be the case if he still lives in that bunker in Berlin.
His sloth-like ways do not bode well for what we will generously describe as your “sex life” with him. Though Taurus likes to be in control when upright, he’ll always allow you to be on top in bed. Indeed, he’s so bone-idle; the only kind of rapid eye movement you’re ever likely to experience is when you’re fast asleep.
Propaganda issued from the Earth Sign Camp decrees that, yes, he can be a bit of a couch potato, but he is indescribably loyal, so yippee twang! Since when loyalty has been such a hallowed virtue, is completely beyond our realms of comprehension. That rare breed of man, who is faithful, usually expects it to be returned in spades. If you, understandably, like the odd bit of extra-curricular nookie - just for variety – forget it! Another guy so much as looks at you, and he will be dead where he stands.
As for you, well, Taurus won’t tick you off immediately. He’ll just keep your innumerable betrayals on his mental scoreboard. Then, when your quota’s up, he’ll dismiss you. Ruthlessly. This can get a bit confusing, because the last straw could be the fact you didn’t pick up the groceries on your way home (you’ve finally been allowed out on your own, as long as its only to the corner shop.) So you will go through life believing Taurus dropped you because you forgot the milk, not because you were having it off with his best friend.
And whilst you can plead your case until the cows come home, once he’s made his mind up about something, nothing will force him to reconsider. Threats involving kitchen appliances or power tools don’t work unless a prison sentence for manslaughter seems preferable to putting up with his pigheadedness. Be warned though: If you do attempt to kill him and you aren’t completely successful he’ll hold it against you for the rest of your life. When Taurus has a gripe about
something, you will never, ever hear the end of it. On and on and on he’ll go –
he got rejected from art college, his mother didn’t love him, his German Shepherd got run over (repeat as often as you like for desired effect).
Our only advice here is to make the most of your rapidly deteriorating mental health by raving like a maniac. That means he’ll be forced to stop doing likewise and be helpful for once by rushing around trying to find you a good psychiatrist.

HOW TO SPOT ONE
The odd-shaped skull, slightly bovine features and potbelly are usually dead giveaways. However, if he’s also got a moustache, a forelock and a symbolic nose, call Mossed immediately.

WHERE TO FIND ONE
Standing over you, lying under you or sitting in a seat on behalf of a completely daft political party. If, by fat chance he’s running anywhere, it’ll be on doctors’ orders.

HOW TO INTRIGUE ONE
Look as unfetching as you can in your wheelchair. When he smiles at you, turn a blind eye and stare pointedly at the golden Labrador seated next to you. When he doesn’t get the hint, and instead says “Guten morgen”, pretend to be deaf and use sign language to make him go away. When he still refuses to take “f*ck off” for an answer, and persists in asking you out, pretend you are also mute so that you don’t have to say “yes”.

THE FIRST DATE
He’ll push you kicking and screaming in your wheelchair to a beer festival. There he’ll devour all the bratwurst and sauerkraut within gobbling range, whilst you drink the lager tent dry in a dismal attempt to forget.

WHEN TO DO THE DEED
Join the resistance and don’t.

WHEN TO POP THE QUESTION
When you are fed up with all the vicarious thrills and tumultuous times provided by less dependable, but ultimately more desirable b*stards. And only after you’ve quit your drug problem and practiced your goosestep so that you can walk down the isle in a straight line.

IF HE DROPS YOU
He won’t. Tenacity is his only virtue. Drop him instead.

IF YOU DROP HIM
He’ll probably wait for you to realize your disastrous mistake. When you don’t, he’ll patiently wait until you do.

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cappyme
Newflake

Posts: 0
From:
Registered: Oct 2009

posted July 12, 2006 11:33 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for cappyme     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Wow, these are awesome and pretty funny. How nice of you to put these up!! Can you put up the Cap b*st*rd one next???

Cappyme xxx

------------------
Don't go to bed angry. Stay up and fight!

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Venusian Love
unregistered
posted July 12, 2006 11:47 AM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I want to read about a Scorpio ******* .

------------------
Gemini sun, Cancer ascendant, Taurus moon *29, Taurus venus, Libra mars
*----------*----------*
Things base and vile, holding no quantity,
Love can transpose to form and dignity.
Love looks not with the eye, but with the mind,
And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.

-William Shakespeare

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CapGirl
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posted July 12, 2006 11:48 AM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Yes, Cap-******* , please, because they ARE ******** !! LOL I've read this book before at Borders but I need a refresher/reminder so I stay away.

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CrankyCap
Newflake

Posts: 0
From: Ohio
Registered: May 2009

posted July 12, 2006 12:02 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for CrankyCap     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
SugarBuns -

Thanks for doing Taurus...I must have forgotten that one. I just did the excerpts because I thought it would take too damn long to type. How are you getting the whole chapters on here so quickly?

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cancer0007
unregistered
posted July 12, 2006 12:07 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Love it - any chance in getting the preceeding part of Scorpio? I know I'm pushing my luck here...

But out of all of them the Scorpio post rang true - every word.

Cancerian is *still* waiting for it to wear off...sigh, so I can move on and get into a 'real relationship' the pleasure of someone actually wanting/choosing to spend time in my company)I assume.

It's a hard call, finding someone smart, funny, to hold my interest (& much to my surprise) wanting a *real* relationship with them. They don't feel the same - besides casual. Sometimes thats enought to keep me happy for some time, while I focus on moving forward in other areas f my life.

Only a very few times have I experienced great chemistry,and without that,anyone else seems a poor substitute. Any advice?
I want happy memories when I'm an old lady. that leave us with good feelings alround.

There are other issues, which I might add later,that would make meeting someone new lot harder/frightening due to an attack in real life. Even though, in my mind, I imagine it all going well.

Thanks for listening. I resent my formerly happy sex life being stolen from me against my will by a stranger. I want it back, but that would be within myself, not asking or sharing what happenned with that one long term 'casual' partner, or even more a new person. I miss it, I'd like it back, but there is a little fear mixed in too. Thanks for listening my friends.

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sugar_buns
unregistered
posted July 12, 2006 01:14 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
here's the cappy one...

THE CAPRICORN B*STARD

Finally, a man who takes relationships seriously. Blessed with the sensitivity of a security analyst, the humor of an IBM clone and the heart of a merchant banker, a Capricorn takes everything seriously.
His intentions towards you are entirely honorable. He is hard working and
ambitious. He wants to get married and raise a family. He has no problem with
the concept and implementation of commitment. He’ll even be faithful to you –
although this can’t be guaranteed, as he is a man! And upon getting to know him better you’ll find he also possesses all the charm and conversation of a cash register. (Well, you can’t expect him to have all those virtues and a personality.) But before you jump up and down in orgasmic delight at the thought of spending time with him, there is a catch. There’s something he has to do prior to whisking you off into the sunset to issue joint financial statements together. He has to check your credit rating. And no, he’s not joking. He never jokes about money. Or anything else, come to think of it. If you happened to be born with silver cutlery anywhere near your mouth and you have a large inheritance threatening to fall into your lap, you’re laughing (and he may even smile) all the way to the bank and the joint savings account.
However, don’t assume he’s only interested in you for your inheritance. Such an assumption would be a gross misjudgment of character. The truth is, if you’d won the money in a lottery or made it yourself through hard work or shrewd investments, he’d still be interested in you. It would be unfair to say that money is the only thing that matters to Capricorn. He is mostly human and understands your money alone will not ensure his happiness. That’s why your social status is just as important to him. He’ll not only be interested in you for what you have, but for who you are, who your parents are, what they have and who they know. (And you thought men were only interested in one thing.) Anyway, he’s not searching for the love of his life.
He first found that as a small child, beneath the cushions of his parents’ couch. And he will always be true to it. Besides marriage isn’t about love. It’s about making money.
Capricorn is the reason finishing schools still exist. You know those wonderfully traditional educational institutions that concern themselves with taking affluent, intelligent young women and making them completely useless for anything other than marriage. As well as offering the only recognized diploma course in Understanding Cutlery 101, these outrageously expensive and usually Swiss schools take all the hard work out of finding a partner for Capricorn.
The cost involved ensures only the very wealthy and socially well-placed can afford to send their daughters there. This eliminates all unsuitable candidates. Then the suitable are vigorously trained to eliminate any beliefs they may have in gender equality or themselves.
First you learn to cook the kind of meals that take days or sometimes weeks of preparation – the results of which can be ruined in a few seconds by an airplane passing overhead. This is to keep you occupied after you are married and is also impressive when you have to throw dinner parties for your Capricorn-b*stard-husband’s business contacts.
Then you’ll learn to cultivate / fake an appreciation of the arts and an understanding of politics and world affairs so you can make seemingly intelligent conversation whilst you are cooking for and serving guests. At these dinner parties you could translate a business deal for your husband with one of the five major European languages you picked up between classes at finishing school. And as for the etiquette required to know exactly where at the table to seat an earl or a prime minister if a member of the royal family is also coming
– well, that was covered in your first year when you studied Introduction to Seating Royalty, Nobility and Important Public Officials.
Along with How to Lose a Tennis Match to a Man Without Him Suspecting You are Throwing the Game to Save His Ego, The Art of Table Seating II (Advanced Course), How to Be Patronized Gracefully and countless other vital courses, you will be taught to walk, to speak and to dress yourself properly. Sure, you may have learnt to do these things when you were 18 months old but these schools don’t take any chances. You will also be taught needlework – majoring in embroidery. We have no idea why. But the most important thing you can do at these schools is to mix and become lifelong friends with all those other obscenely rich, pedigreed girls. You don’t actually have to like them; you just have to kiss the air around their cheeks for the rest of your life. They, like you, will go on to marry Capricorn b*stards to whom you can introduce your Capricorn b*stard. These b*stards will then form a boys’ club where they can compare p*nis sizes (though they will call it networking) to their hearts’ content. Naturally, you won’t be allowed to join as you don’t have a p*nis and, as your married to a Capricorn b*stard, you’ll only ever get one at the end of each financial year – if it was a successful one.
You are now a graduate of the you-can-never-be-too-thin-too-rich-too-blonde-or-too-tanned school of thought and you are accomplished enough to take up that all-important position of catering to Capricorn’s whims. You’re the perfect wife: you have absolutely no marketable skills so you’ll have nothing better to do than to further your husband’s career. In other words, you will be bored. In your perfect house with your perfect husband and your perfect children. Bored with your air-and-@rse-kissing friends who are all as boring as you. Bored with all the affaires you’ve had with the hired help because your husband only has sex if the Windsor-Kennedy-Smythe-Joneses are doing it too (and they never get around to it either). Bored, blonde, rich and eminently socially acceptable. May we suggest slipping into a coma to get through it all. No one will ever notice the difference.
NB: In more astrologically qualified circles, there are a couple of widely repeated rumors about Capricorn. Firstly, deep down, he is reported to have the romantic soul of a poet – though we find this hard to believe. And secondly, once he achieves his financial and social ambitions and retires, he becomes a lot of fun to have around. We can neither deny or confirm this, as we think life is too short to spend it with a Capricorn b*stard.

HOW TO SPOT ONE
Sneak a look under his bed to find his favorite well-thumbed and stained copies of the Harvard Business Review.

WHERE TO FIND ONE
At graduate ceremonies at finishing schools. In buildings where large sums of money are stored. Scanning the social pages for recently separated women with impressive names and even more impressive settlements.

HOW TO IMPRESS ONE
Accidentally drop your investment portfolio (the one embossed with your heavily hyphenated name) and make sure it is substantial enough to register on the Richter scale when it hits the ground. As he is helping you retrieve it, spill some large denomination notes into his lap whilst also dropping the names of all the big important people that Daddy-the-media-magnate-or-hotel-tycoon-or-reigning-monarch-of-a-small-but-wealthy-and-tax-free-nation wants to introduce your future husband to.

THE FIRST DATE
He will use this first meeting to assess your suitability; to figure out whether or not you are worth the investment; to see if you know the difference between a
fish fork and a dessert fork. In fact, it’ll be a lot like a job interview. (Tip: Make sure you look like a million dollars. At least)

WHEN TO DO THE DEED
Go snooping in his Filofax. He’ll have it scheduled in. or better yet, ask his secretary when he plans to seal the deal – she’ll have a clearer idea of when he can fit himself in. (Important note: The Capricorn b*stard is quite good at sex. He passed Sleeping Your Way To The Top I & II & III with flying colors. It’s amazing what they teach you at business schools these days.)

WHEN TO POP THE QUESTION
When you own at least 51% of his corporation. He’s not going to refuse his major shareholder. And even if he does, you have the deciding vote – so you can overrule him.

IF HE DROPS YOU
This is a very good sign. It means he’s getting serious about you. He’s starting to negotiate. Have Daddy up the dowry and go back with a counter offer.

IF YOU DROP HIM
He’s financially secure enough to handle it. It’s all there in the pre-nuptial agreement; the dowry was non-refundable in the event of disagreement. As for the rest of your inheritance – well, he’ll just have to marry another retirement plan.
__________________________________________________
btw cranky cap, i got them from some webpage-dont remeber now cos it was a long time back, i liked those n copied them. so i still had them in my comp..hehe..

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sugar_buns
unregistered
posted July 12, 2006 01:16 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
i'll do the scorp one soon...it takes time as i have to edit them-dont wanna make the mod mad
n ya if u find anything thats obscene, pls tell me so i'll edit them...

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sugar_buns
unregistered
posted July 12, 2006 01:51 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
ok so here comes the scorp one...

THE SCORPIO B*STARD
All those dark, brooding, monosyllabic types, who fill the pages of cheap romantic novels with their strong jaws and piercing eyes, are Scorpios. You know the story: boy meets girl. Boy tortures girl because of a series of very silly misunderstandings and because he enjoys it. Girl becomes a psychological wreck. Boy sweeps girt into his arms and mumbles something about undying love. (He has to sweep her into his arms because by this stage the poor woman has completely fallen apart.). This is where the book ends. There is a very good reason for this. Mills & Boon know what is to come is far too awful to be published. Yet, this paperback ideal of love still manages to override the common sense of most women. We find the strong, silent, manipulative type irresistible. And we sit prettily on our hope chests with our long auburn curls in charming disarray, waiting breathlessly with much fluttering of eyelashes for Scorpio to stride into our lives. (NB: Romantic heroes never walk, they always stride – manfully and purposefully. Its dreadfully tiring for them, and its one of the reasons why they are so moody and irritable.) And once a Scorpio b*stard arrives? Well, there’s nothing like a spot of good-old-fashioned-bodice-ripping to get things started. Just swoon gracefully into his arms and let him have his wicked way with you. Then have your head examined.
The strong, silent type is what you should look for when purchasing white goods. Whilst these are desirable attributes in a washing machine, you won’t enjoy them in Scorpio. He is strong. Much stronger than you. Which means when there’s a fight, you’ll lose. And he is silent. Which means communication within the relationship is going to be a little one-sided. Holding back information is actually one of his favourite pastimes. Mostly because it upsets you. Well, what did you expect? Anyone described as “dark” and “brooding” is not going to be a naturally open, caring, sharing person. And Scorpio has a dark side that makes Darth Vader look like Mr. Whippy. As for brooding ability, he leaves Heathcliffe out on the moors: he’ll hold a grudge against you until the day you die. And your death will only appease him a little. However, you’ll never even know he has a grudge against you. A Scorpio b*stard won’t confront you openly. That would be too much like fair play. He’s more likely to watch and wait – decades if necessary – for the chance to launch an attack when you’re not paying attention. And when it finally hits, it’ll make a stealth bomber look weak and clumsy.
Unfortunately, because of the amount of literature (if books featuring Fabio on the cover, count as literature) you’ve absorbed, you’ll class all his behavior as normal. You’ll revel in all the angst. Being miserable all the time must mean it’s true love. This is all so romantic. You’ll even be flattered by his possessiveness (despite the fact that you’re not allowed to go anywhere of see anyone). It means he can’t bear to be without you. Of course, he can’t bear to be with you either – not when there are still so many things wrong with you.
He’ll manipulate you until you become exactly what he wants you to be. Then he’ll lose respect for you, as you’re so easily manipulated. Then he’ll start looking around for someone else to manipulate. This is when you start looking around too. For reputable psychiatric help. Because, in the midst of torturing you, Scorpio will suddenly turn into a model of gentleness and consideration. He’ll even be kind to animals (standard behavior for all romantic hero types – designed to suck you into believing they have a soft, sensitive side). Don’t be fooled. Its just part if the callous game he’s playing with your mental and emotional health. His objective is to annihilate you. But if he can make you believe he is capable of such an act, it makes it all so much more fun when he actually does destroy you.
And destroy you he will. This is what Scorpio does best. And besides, its how he likes to spend his spare time. Once you are a broken mess on the floor he’ll pick you up and glue the pieces, so you are whole once more, and he can start all over again. He takes his hobby very seriously. It brings him hours of enjoyment and allows him to explore his destructive talents. And you’ll get something out of it too. A hobby of your own: a lifelong obsession with him. Which allows you to spend your spare time in expensive 12-step programs undergoing extensive counseling. Check into group therapy when you find yourself getting upset just because he is sleeping with other women. It’s really none of your business. You are only his girlfriend / wife / mother of his children. And anyway, you’ll meet his mistress soon enough when she joins the group after she discovers he is doing the same thing to her. Then you can console each other about your mutual stupidity. You’ll both be introduced to a nationwide Unhealthily Obsessed Co-dependant Support Network for Women who have dated Scorpio. It comes with a 24-hour hotline, which you’ll put to very good use. (This is a free-of-charge service, one of many sponsored by the Aspiring Romantic Novelists Association who use it for research purposes.)
The reason Scorpio inspires such obsessive behavior is because he is so obsessive himself – about sex. He thinks about it twice as much as other men, which basically means it’s on his mind all the time. Which makes him the blueprint for the complete and utter b*stard. Which in turn, makes women think he’s sexy. Which therefore means he really can’t help but catch one or two of the airborne little-black-dress-clad oestrogen packages continually heading his way. (Warning: Don’t be tempted to have an affair yourself to get back at your
Scorpio b*stard. Right now, you’re in no emotional state to witness a jealous streak the size of the San Andreas Fault. This is probably unnecessary advice, as you won’t have time between those ever-increasing therapy sessions and that compulsive shopping habit you recently developed. And, lets face it, the nervous twitch and chronic alcoholism aren’t exactly going to be attracting men in droves.)
If it helps your sanity, blame the other poor, obsessed women. Or their therapists. Or the government. Or, better yet, blame yourself. No one forced you to read all those ridiculous love stories. You wanted a club-wielding, hair-dragging, heroic b*stard. You’ve got him. Now you have to live with him. So, just throw yourself into his arms or under the next passing truck. Either way, the ending will be the same.

HOW TO SPOT ONE
When a Scorpio b*stard looks at you, you will feel a strong urge to shed your underwear. He will have this baffling effect upon you, even if you’re in a very public place and you find him most unattractive.

WHERE TO FIND ONE
Follow the trail of emotional wrecks to his door. Or, better still, let him find you. Because then, at least, you won’t be the one who started the relationship which ruined your life.

HOW TO INTRIGUE ONE
Be sunny and happy and full of life. He won’t be able to resist the challenge of luring you into the pits of hell. Once there, just be whatever he wants you to be. Holding onto your personality will only cause you a lot of unnecessary pain.

THE FIRST DATE
Scorpio will charm you into submission. Or else he’ll worm his way into your life and affections without you noticing – like cancer or some other terminal disease. And after just one date, he’ll know everything there is to know about you, and you’ll know absolutely nothing about him. This sets the tone for the entire relationship.

WHEN TO DO THE DEED
Because Scorpio has so many hidden agendas, you’ll never be able to pick the right time. So go to bed when he wants to, generally just after you’ve been introduced. (Tip: When you do it, make like a porn star, but somehow give the impression you’ve never done it before.)

WHEN TO POP THE QUESTION
When you feel the inclination to do this, have yourself committed.

IF HE DROPS YOU
Trying to exact revenge will only serve to amuse Scorpio, as your attempts will seem so amateur. Besides, he’ll be flattered he still has total control over your emotions and your life. On the other hand, running after him, doing your best impersonation of a doormat will only invite him to clean his boots on you. Don’t waste your energy. You’ll need it over the next few years, just to get through therapy.

IF YOU DROP HIM
He’ll get over it. If, however, he thinks you’ve slighted him, its best to watch out for yourself and take extra precautions for the next ten or 20 years – at least.
__________________________________________________________
btw this is one my favies..
cant stop laughing when read it again n again.

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Aquarius_Lover
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posted July 12, 2006 02:29 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Fantastic reading Sugar_buns! LOL I'm loving the full versions too.

Could you please post the Aquarius B***D full version as well?

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Love
Knowflake

Posts: 63
From: Canada
Registered: Apr 2009

posted July 12, 2006 02:39 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Love     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Hahahahahaha! Someone gave me that book for my birthday and the Scorpio one is BY FAR the funniest (and most accurate) one in my opinion! It also came at a very appropriate time in my life. Ha!

Love

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Dulce Luna
Newflake

Posts: 7
From: The Asylum, NC
Registered: Apr 2009

posted July 12, 2006 02:46 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Dulce Luna     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
"No one forced you to read all those ridiculous love stories. You wanted a club-wielding, hair-dragging, heroic b*stard. You’ve got him."

LMFFAO that is f-ing hilarious.

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bullhead
unregistered
posted July 12, 2006 04:27 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
And he is silent. Which means communication within the relationship is going to be a little one-sided. Holding back information is actually one of his favourite pastimes. Mostly because it upsets you.
Holding back information is actually one of his favourite pastimes.
Holding back information is actually one of his favourite pastimes.

SO FUNNY!!! so right on & funny

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Stargazer
Knowflake

Posts: 46
From: just left of center
Registered: May 2009

posted July 12, 2006 05:09 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Stargazer     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
sugar Thanks for taking the time.. I've read the "rotten day" books but not this one.... Usually, Scorpio descriptions are quite accurate of the unevolved type.....

*****Don’t be fooled. Its just part if the callous game he’s playing with your mental and emotional health. His objective is to annihilate you. But if he can make you believe he is capable of such an act, it makes it all so much more fun when he actually does destroy you.*****

They can be a nightmare as they do wield the power around.. I've had them ask me, "Are you scared of me?" , "I will only ruin your life"... Run, don't walk away from these guys...
Some are simply dreamy..and King Kong all rolled into one....
Most are in the middle somewhere....

Not one to tangle casually with

Thanks again! These are great

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Venus
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Posts: 1758
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posted July 12, 2006 06:31 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Venus     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Just wondering... Does anyone know if anything similar has been written about female Sun signs?

Venus

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Lauren
Newflake

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From: Colorado Springs, CO, USA
Registered: Aug 2014

posted July 12, 2006 06:46 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lauren     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Hi Sugar,

Can you do Libra and Pisces pretty please? Thanks!

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Venus
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posted July 12, 2006 06:55 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Venus     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Hi Sugar - forgot to ask - please wil you do Sag.

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sthenri
unregistered
posted July 12, 2006 07:11 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Scary thing is the female Capricorn is the same, but in a masculine way..what I mean is she is ruthless about cutting out people who are negative or useless.

And she likes to keep up with the neighbours, vacations, shoes, the "right" people.

That is very Capricorn!
Sweetie means "the person who waits on me"

Natasha
Taurus/Cancer

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pidaua
Knowflake

Posts: 67
From: Back in AZ with Bear the Leo
Registered: Apr 2009

posted July 12, 2006 07:24 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for pidaua     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
LMAO.... OMG.. I was engaged to the Taurus bas*ard... oh hell, I was cracking up on that.

I do love Taurus people, but once in a while fate throws out a real winner (or wiener).

"This can get a bit confusing, because the last straw could be the fact you didn’t pick up the groceries on your way home (you’ve finally been allowed out on your own, as long as its only to the corner shop.) So you will go through life believing Taurus dropped you because you forgot the milk, not because you were having it off with his best friend."

WE got into one of our biggest fights and I finally called it quits (which he did not believe) when he yelled at me for being disloyal for NOT bringing him a FORK and BOWL for his Tuna while he was at work. Mind you, at the time to go on the military post I had to register the car for a guest pass, go through the check point and then drive a few miles to see him. At the same time he could run over to the PX and purchase a package of forks and bowls and eat his freaking Tuna before I'd even make it through the gate.


LMAO..... great thread!!!

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ScorpioRising
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posted July 12, 2006 07:54 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Aries plsss!

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BerrySweet
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posted July 12, 2006 08:07 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I'm really enjoying these!

And if you replace "he" with "she" a lot of it could apply to women.

I noticed I was guilty of a great deal of the qualities applied to Aqua men.

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sthenri
unregistered
posted July 12, 2006 08:31 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I disagree, Taurus does not demand everything his or her way! And I expect an apology! We are actually lenient and helpful as long as
1. What you ask makes perfect sense and doesn't involve any work for us
2. You smell good

Natasha

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Aquarius_Lover
unregistered
posted July 12, 2006 09:44 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
LMAO Natasha!

This is so true!

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Lousianagrl
unregistered
posted July 12, 2006 11:32 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
WOW the Scorpio one is right on the mark!
I actually had to go to counsiling after dating a Scorp because he played with my emotions so much. The little d*ckhead even told his friend that he enjoyed doing it.
Great memories!
The Cappy one is true for me, maybe because I have an a$$load of planets and astroids in cap. Unfortunetly.

I'd like to see the aqua one, too
------------------
Sun::Aquarius
Moon::Libra
Asc&venus(conj.)::Pisces
Mars::Gemini
Merc.Saturn.Nep.Uranus:: Capricorn

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sugar_buns
unregistered
posted July 13, 2006 01:13 AM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
whoa!!! girls girls...gimme some time n i'll post them all, but i'll do it in the right order now(the virgo in me is screaming)...
u'll get to see urs very soon...
first up- aries-

THE ARIES B*STARD
Once upon a time, in the dark ages, there was this quaint little term known as a
man's man. Nobody quite knew what it meant. Except the poor, unfortunate thing who was the man's man's woman - and she died a horrible death, when she willfully stuck her head into the oven unto which she was chained. Then comes the enlightened nineties, and in minces the sensitive New Age Feeling Fellow. All of a sudden, a man's man must surely mean a gentleman of the pink persuasion, and gee, don't those scented candles look too, too, utterly, utterly?
Meanwhile, back at the camp, deep in the woods, a solitary male is yelling at the top of his lungs, beating a tom-tom and sticking pins into a blow-up doll that looks a lot like Hillary Clinton. This sad, lost soul is the Aries bloke. Bewildered by beauty myths, dumbfounded by day-care centers and completely baffled by consensual sex, he holds onto his masculinity as tightly as he holds onto his manhood (which is throbbing, if you must know). Boy, does he yearn for the times when men were men, and women were grateful. Being the only man's man left in existence, its lonely for him at the bottom of the food chain - even amoeba, given the chance, opt to mate with themselves. And thank bloody goodness for that. Aries is such a chauvinist, he'd root for truffles if he actually knew what truffles were! He's exactly the type of guy who thinks any man who buys scented candles is a raving poofter.
So, if the b*stard you fancy puts on Vivaldi in the evening, whips up a nice little soufflé a deux and then settles down to read Jane Austin to you, he’s almost certainly gay, and definitely not Aries. Because an Aries fairy would be down at the local Hellfire club, dressed to the cat-o-nines, and slugging back Frangellico with his like-minded friends. All Aries men enjoy hanging out at the pub with their mates. And even the dead straight homophobic one doesn’t think twice about getting sentimental with them when he is ****** . In fact, you will swear that he is an open and shut closet case, since he spends much more time hugging and kissing other blokes than he ever does you.The real reason this revolting creature prefers the company of men is because he has no choice. No right thinking woman with two opposable thumbs and lack of tail can bear the thought of being in the same room at the same time as him. He exudes so much testosterone, that not only will the fine hairs on the nape of her neck stand up, they will actually go through a rapid growth spurt.
If you are unfortunate enough to be stuck in an enclosed space with Aries, its best just to smile as vacuously as you can and nod your head at appropriate intervals – because you won’t understand a single word he’s saying. English is his second language, grunting is his first. And all he can grunt about is himself, his career, his sporting achievements, and how feminists would be a lot less upright is he gave them all a good shag. Of course, good and shag are polar opposites when it comes to this rock throwing Romeo. One night with Aries is enough to get thee, Linda Lovelace, to the nunnery.
To put it as delicately as we can, lets just say that you won’t actually have time to lie back and think of England. Despite his obvious lack of sexual stamina, the Aries b*stard feels biologically compelled to pursue any number of luckless ladies with a vengeance verging on primeval. His courting tactics are as subtle as a sledgehammer and not half as useful. So for goodness sake don’t play hard to get – it will only encourage him. He will use guerrilla tactics to win you over. And why shouldn’t you be flattered to be woken up at 3am to see his great hairy face leering through your fifth floor bedroom window? Especially when you are entertaining a guest who just so happens to be male, and totally hetero and sensitive to boot. Said guest is likely to be kicked by said boot out of aforementioned window (which is closed). Walls will be perforated, furniture dismantled and sincere apologies extracted from you, who are, by now, a sobbing heap in the corner, putting the women’s movement back centuries. As he has just proven, and which he will take great pains to point out, he’s not in the least bit jealous or possessive. It’s just that he likes the idea of loyalty and faithfulness, from you, that is. He’ll stay faithful as long as you stay perfect. Which you are not. Which he will tell you, ad nauseam. (Little known fact here: not only is the Aries b*stard Gods gift to women, he actually is God. And we all know what happens to those who don’t believe in God. However, a few years with Aries, and hell will suddenly seem like a really inviting option.) If you want to know your hair is a mess, you can’t drive your car for sh!t and you could do with a self-help course, then you can’t go wrong with Aries. Funnily enough, its not the same the other way round. This hypocritical oaf is quite capable of pointing out your dimply thighs without giving a thought to his own disgusting flab. Don’t bother picking him up on this though – the subtleties of irony will be lost in translation. So, if you like being told what to do, how to do it, and when to do it, this one’s for you. If you have a mind of your own and occasionally like to use it, tell him to get lost. But put the kettle on and warm his slippers before you go. If you decide to leave, don’t expect him to take it lying down. Lying down is your job. In the game of life, the term “gracious in defeat” is hard enough for Aries to pronounce, let alone practice. Beat him in something as trivial as Scrabble and he’ll proclaim – once he’s started speaking to you again – that Scrabble is a game of luck, requires absolutely no intelligence and besides, you got all the A’s, B’s and C’s and he got all the Q’s, X’s and Z’s and no vowels whatsoever. Of course, no matter which way you play it, you can’t win. Because he’s even more unbearable on the extremely rare occasion he does manage to outwit you. He’ll crow that Scrabble is a game of skill and bang on about how he managed to make really big words like CAT out of very hard letters like Q, X and Z. (Note: If he does attempt to be humble in victory, he’s just fishing for compliments. Don’t give him any). Since Aries can’t cope with you beating him at a board game, it therefore follows that he’ll be positively suicidal if you outdo him in the boardroom. So quit before you get ahead. Because if you do start scoring more fame, fortune and frequent flier miles than him, he’ll just try and get you pregnant.

HOW TO SPOT ONE
Throw peanuts. If he catches them in his mouth, he’s probably Aries. But if he then starts beating his chest and picking lint off your clothes, he’s definitely Aries. This means that he will have a big fat (red and ugly) behind. This is to balance his big fat “ditto” head.

WHERE TO FIND ONE
Commandeering a cave. Moving his lips whist reading The Cat in The Hat. Or
marching at a ‘Real Men Against Women’s Rights To Answer Back’ rally. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s obviously lost!

HOW TO INTRIGUE ONE
This is tricky, because you need to be two things at once. You’ve got to be loud and obnoxious so he thinks he’s found his soul mate. At the same time, you must show your soft feminine side so his masculinity isn’t threatened. The best way to do both simultaneously is to hurl spitballs at the pavement whilst taking
care not to hit your Laura Ashley frock.

THE FIRST DATE
He’ll either take you to the zoo to meet his family, or else he’ll invite you to the annual Especially Privileged Ladies’ Night at the Masonic Lodge and tell you what you would like to eat, how much you would like to drink and be horrified when you attempt to open your mouth for anything other than eating, drinking and sucking.

WHEN TO DO THE DEED
Whenever. If he doesn’t have honorable intentions, he’ll think you are a **** , but have sex with you anyway. If he does like you, he’ll still have sex with you and then wake you up to propose.

WHEN TO POP THE QUESTION
Don’t. That’s a man’s job. Just relax and enjoy your independence whilst you still have it. You will have years to regret giving it up.

IF HE DROPS YOU
Forget him. Since the Aries b*stard is incapable of admitting he’s wrong –
particularly in front of a woman – he’s hardly likely to come loping back into
your life declaring it was all a big mistake. If he does, its only because no Other woman will have him.

IF YOU DROP HIM
He’ll chase you because it won’t occur to him that you can ignore his sheer animal magnetism. Keep running. He’ll trip over his knuckles sooner or later.

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