posted May 28, 2008 07:47 PM         

And that if he talks to you eye to eye,he will see your point too.

you are both very sensitive signs and im sure you dont want to get out of the relationship.So please,talk things through..

When my bf pressured me,i almost ran crazy to him without wanting to make my life in straight lines - huge mistake - so WHEN i talked eye to eye,he instantaneoulsy knew and FELT his selfishness and his constinuous "uncounscious" way of "wanting to make things his way always".

I think Cancers dont really are aware of this pattern in them,but if you just show your feelings,he will instantanesouly open his eyes and say " id dint knew i was making you feel that way".

I also felt i was being selfish too when i thought to myself that i was always the one,"desmonstrating" most of the times,but really..this simple "proposal of wanting to move in" is by itself a LOVE PROOF also

posted May 28, 2008 07:57 PM         

Love is never selfish

posted May 28, 2008 08:02 PM         

quote:

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I agree with alvarella777
Love is never selfish

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posted May 28, 2008 08:28 PM         

I think there are a few things going on here…

#1 – whether you mean to or not you ARE pressuring him to marry you. Maybe it’s a cardinal sign thing – but I hate people telling me what to do - even more so with something like marriage. Cancers are traditional and it is the man’s place to ask the woman to marry him. If she forces it on him, his proposal won’t be truly sincere or from the heart. It will be an obligation. I’m a Cancer engaged to a Cancer male, and one of the things he thanks me for is NEVER pushing him to marry. He liked that it was HIS idea and his plan when he did propose. When we first started dating he made it sound like he had little interest in marriage. That the only reason he could see to wed would be to have children. But he asked me to marry him after only 2 years of dating (1 year of living together). In retrospect – I think he said those things out of a sense of defensiveness – to KEEP me from pushing him to marry me. He’d been pushed before, you see. So, dear lady, I know I’ve suggested this to you before, in another thread, but do NOT push this man to marry you. Don’t mention it – don’t even think about it. Most likely he’ll propose MUCH sooner than you think –but only if you don’t push him. If you keep pushing him, he’ll dig in his heals and get as unmovable and bullish as any Taurus.

#2 – You’ve been dating just over a year, right? And you still haven’t moved in with him? Have you ever thought of how that might make him feel? Here he is wanting to share his life and his space with you and you keep rejecting him. I understand your reasons, but a Cancer man wanting to share his home with you is a gift. He doesn’t extend that offer lightly or to just anyone. Your turning him down, would worry him, maybe even hurt him. My man started asking me to move in with him after about 2 months of dating – I was sincerely touched and honored by his offer because I know how special it was for a Cancer to want to share a home with me. I put off accepting his offer for about a year, because I know how dreadfully painful it is to deal with breaking up and separating your stuff when you live together. But after a year you should be fairly certain of how stable your relationship is, so what are YOUR hesitations with moving in with him? I’m guessing they are probably traditional or religious. But my guess is your man, even if he knows that rationally, probably doesn’t truly understand your reasons. And that would make him nervous.

I can tell you this – I think it’s very important for your man to know you can live together peacefully before tying the knot. Almost every man fears the dreaded “bait and switch” where the woman he marries turns into someone completely different when they move in together. But Cancer men have this fear and about ten dozen more they have to contend with. Most Cancer’s I know (myself and my fiancé being in this category) are dreadfully afraid of marriage. Not because we don’t want to get married, but because we don’t want to get divorced. We Cancers need to very carefully explore a relationship before committing, and for me at least, living with someone and seeing how you blend domestically is a HUGE part of that.

So where does all of this leave you, dear Sinder? In my very humble opinion, you need to do some soul searching. You need to really weigh how much you want this man in your life. Does he fulfill your emotional needs? Does he take care of you the way you want to be taken care of? Can you picture growing old with him? If your man checks out in all these areas, then I think it is you that need to compromise in this. He’s not asking for a lot. The only thing he’s REALLY asking for right now is that you move in with him. His whole 4-6 years thing is just his estimate. An estimate probably made while he was hurt and a little angry at you for avoiding living with him and pressuring him to marry you. Move in with him, and give yourself some time to see if YOU like living with HIM.

Is it a gamble? Sure! Might you still break up? Sure! But you know what? You take that risk whether you move in with him or not. Sure it complicates things a bit when it comes to breaking up, but if you REALLY love this guy and feel he is the fight one for you then isn’t it worth the risk? Give it 1-2 years of living together then reassess.

Try to not pressure him to marry you even once in that whole time, and just wait and see. My guess is you’ll have a ring on your finger in very short order.

Big hugs!!!! My thoughts are prayers are with you, dear lady.

posted May 28, 2008 10:04 PM         

Thanks for all this advice from everyone.

I think I will lay low and not bring this up for a while. re-read this post a little later and just tell him I love him very much. i will try not to be so impatient, its real, there will be a compromise and if he truely loves me he will show me the respect i deserve and consider my ifeelings on what i feel is morally right.

posted May 28, 2008 11:30 PM         

You see, if that's his way of handling this particular issue, that's going to likely be his way of handling any contentious issue in your future relationship. My way or the highway.

posted May 29, 2008 08:43 AM         

Thanks for the tip about waiting it out....
I don't like the september deadline either.

to me, that tells me that he is selfish and controlling. I love this guy to death and i can list so many wonderful qualities about him.

But, like you and some others said......its big difference between loving and living together. i dont want to be hasty but i don't want to waste years of my life to get thrown to the curb.

posted May 29, 2008 09:07 AM         

Surely trust, love, morals and values are sorted by 18 months of being in a relationship?

Personally, if you love someone you expect nothing - you risk as much as you are able to love yourself and therefore, another. No relationship is perfect but the person should have the natural ability to make you feel good about YOURSELF. I simple terms, their soul should enhance the love you have for YOURSELF.

posted May 29, 2008 09:13 AM         

Take it from a fool who has been there, take your time. I think a lot of good points have been made in this thread that supports both sides of the coin. Marriage is nothing to take likely. It is a lifetime commitment. Me personally, I think to know someone is to live with them.

Someone can seem sooooo perfect for you UNTIL you live with them. It could go either way once you live with a person. Their living habits could be consistent with your personal thoughts of them or they could be different. Who knows, after you move in you might find that he is a complete slob and never lifts a finger to clean. Or vice versa (not saying you or him are, i'm just making a point).

I have been married for about 5.5 years now and let me tell you, had I not rushed in, lets just say things would be a LOT different now.

But like AquaDean said, you two are at an impasse and you do have to take your baby making years into consideration (if thats what you want).

But my personal advice to you about having children would be to UNEQUIVOCALLY WAIT UNTIL YOU KNOW WITH ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY THAT HE IS THE ONE AND YOU TWO WILL BE TOGETHER FOREVER! DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH HIM UNLESS YOU KNOW THIS! Also, make sure your finances and investments are in order before you have children together.

I think a fair compromise between the two of you would be to meet each other halfway with the dates. Maybe you two could decide to move in together and maybe he could decide to cut his waiting time down a bit. I figure after about a year of living together, peoples habits will have been shown enough to make a decision. Actors cannot act that long lol!

posted May 29, 2008 09:15 AM         

Am l right in thinking that he has given a deadline to you for September and you are effectively giving him a deadline on his love for you?

Is this not selfish and controlling behaviour on BOTH your parts? I'm not trying to be funny here or show you up but it seems like you both have controlling issues.

Also, l find it disturbing that you say this comment: "it hurts me deeply that he still would want to live together that much longer, it makes me feel like there is something wrong with me."

Disturbing in the sense no-one else has the ability to hurt you actually, you can only hurt yourself. What is the difference between living with someone as a couple and being married, other than a piece of paper? Why do you feel that there is something wrong with you - are you that insecure? If so, maybe you should not be contemplating a commitment of any sort, other than to yourself???

posted May 29, 2008 09:32 AM         

I didn't feel so insecure until he started getting involved with certain things. I didn't mention this but i guess it can be factored in......

He has been working on getting a part time photography business started and has been networking on line with local models to do some photography work. Needless to say, they are very beautiful and I feel intimidated by the idea that he will be working with people like this in the future. I guess I feel this threat. I know it might seem ridiculous but it is making me feel insecure.

He has been speaking with different online and it is a big modeling myspace sort of thing. Every looks at each others portfolios and compliments each other etc,,,3/4 of the womens portfolios are nude and it makes me uncomfortable.

posted May 29, 2008 12:56 PM         

If you just really want to get married, which it kinda seems like to me, maybe you should move on as he is not ready for that. If you love him as much as you say you do, accept the invitation of living together... it's always a good idea to live with someone before you marry them, IMPO. What if you can't stand each other? He needs to be totally sure. I don't think he's being selfish or having to have things on his terms... or at least, I don't think he sees it that way.

I say move in, see how things go, who knows, he may even realize after a short amount of time that he wants to break his 3-4 yr rule and pop the question... give him the chance!

Good luck!