posted December 06, 2008 02:14 AM
I myself prefer Smirnoffs.
these are a bit cynical, but fun to read. 
Alcohoroscopes
ARIES
Drinking style
Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes don't know when
to call it a night. Their competitive streak makes them prone to
closing-time shot contests. They're sloppy, fun drunks, and they get
mighty flirty after a couple tipples. Getting Aries people drunk is
a good way to get what you want out of them, should other methods
fail. Aries can become bellicose when blotto, but they will assume
that whatever happened should be forgiven (if not forgotten) by
sunrise. They can be counted on to do the same for you -- so long as
you haven't gone and done anything really horrible to them last
night, you sneaky Gemini.
Trademark cocktails
Aries, born under the hot-stuff planet Mars, is the ruler of spicy
food and red things -- and for balance, astrologers recommend they
eat tomatoes, onions, olives and greens. That's right, Aries, you
were born under the sign of the bloody Mary. Aries also rules
grapefruit, and they've been known to kick back a salty dog and a
sea breeze or two. For extreme hotcha, try a concoction with
cinnamon liqueur in it. Drinking buddies
Marlon Brando, Lawrence Ferlinghetti, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Al
Gore, Thomas Jefferson, Elton John, Eric McCormack, Rosie O'Donnell,
Sarah Jessica Parker, Reese Witherspoon
TAURUS
Drinking style
Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aiming for a mellow
glow rather than a full-on zonk. Since a truly intoxicated Taurus is
a one-person stampede, the kind of bull-in-a-china-shop inebriate
who spills red wine on white carpets and tells fart jokes to
employers, the preference for wining and dining (or Bud and
buddies) to body shots and barfing is quite fortunate for the rest
of us. This is not to say that the Bull is by any means a teetotaler
-- god, no. A squiffy Taurus will get, er, gregarious (full of
loudmouth soup, some would say) and is extremely amusing to drag to
a karaoke bar when intoxicated. Trademark cocktails
Early-to-bed Taureans need a picker-upper -- try a Red Bull and
vodka. They also have a leviathan sweet tooth and are fond of drinks
with names that sound like dessert (50-50 bar, mudslide). Sweetly
caffeinated drinks, like Irish coffee or white Russians, are ideal.
More macho Taureans will go for something unpretentious, like a Jack
and Coke or whiskey sour. Drinking buddies
Cate Blanchett, Tony Blair, Pierce Brosnan, Cher, Penelope Cruz,
William Randolph Hearst, Jerry Seinfeld, Barbara Striesand, Uma
Thurman, Renee Zellweger
GEMINI
Drinking style
Geminis can drink without changing their behavior much -- they're so
naturally chatty and short-attention-spanned that it's just hard to
tell sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing with finesse and
allusion, then doing something to belie an extremely advanced state
of intoxication, like puking in your shoe. Geminis possess the magic
ability to flirt successfully (and uninfuriatingly, which is very
tricky) with several people at once. They like to order different
cocktails every round -- repetition is boring -- and may create a
theme (like yellow drinks: beer, sauvignon blanc and
limoncello) for their own amusement.
Trademark cocktails
Easily bored Geminis need some stimulation in their drinks -- those
with two parts, like a black and tan (or just a double), are
particularly appealing. Otherwise, they'll drink all over the map,
ordering frou-frou drinks to add to their collection of cocktail
monkeys or going for whiskey rocks because they're feeling rather
noir. Gemini rules the herb anise -- make some home-infused anise
vodka as a gift. Drinking buddies
George Bush Sr., Johnny Depp, Rupert Everett, Boy George, Allen
Ginsberg, Angelina Jolie, John Kennedy, Ian McKellen, Kylie Minogue,
Morrissey
CANCER
Drinking style
Cancer is a comfort drinker -- and an extra wine with dinner or an
after-work beer or six can be extra comforting, can't it, Cancer
darling? Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, Crabs must
guard against lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out secret
parties and insinuating themselves on VIP lists -- and, in true
Hollywood style, Cancers are never really drunk; instead, they get
"tired and emotional" (read: weepy when lubricated). But there's
nothing better than swapping stories (and spit) over a few bottles
of inky red wine with your favorite Cancer. Even your
second-favorite Cancer will do. Trademark cocktails
Ruled by the moon, Cancers are intrigued by the idea of moonshine
-- any brown booze, from a bourbon press to a whiskey and soda to
grandpappy's special brew in a mason jar, will do. They also like
comfortingly warm and sweet drinks, like hot toddies and hot
buttered rums. The sign also rules the flavor vanilla, and you'd be
adored if you served up a vanilla vodka and soda. Drinking buddies
Pamela Anderson, George W. Bush, Bill Cosby, Tom Cruise, Harrison
Ford, Sean Hayes, Lil' Kim, George Michael, Princess Diana, Prince
William
LEO
Drinking style
Leo likes to drink and dance -- they're often fabulous dancers, and
usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing their commanding
dignity and turning kittenish. Of course, they're quite aware
they're darling -- Leos will be Leos, after all. They generally know
their limit, probably because they loathe losing self-control. When
they get over-refreshed, expect flirting to ensue -- and perhaps not
with the one what brung them. But Leo's not the type to break rules
even when drunk, so just try to ignore it (try harder,
Cancer) and expect a sheepish (and hung over) Lion to make it up to
you the next day. Trademark cocktails
Leos like flashy drinks, be they complicated tropical concoctions
festooned with umbrellas, like a Bahama mama or the more common
strawberry daiquiri or mai tai. Indeed, they often have a taste for
the fruity -- try a screwdriver, or add an extra cherry to the next
Manhattan. Their sense of drama lends itself to a kir royale, of
course. Drinking buddies
Ben Affleck, Gillian Anderson, Bill Clinton, Monica Lewinsky,
Jennifer Lopez, Madonna, Debra Messing, Kevin Spacey, Martha
Stewart, Andy Warhol
VIRGO
Drinking style
Cerebral Virgos are compelled to impose order onto their bender.
Their famously fussy quest for purity could lead to drinking less
than other signs, sure -- but it could also lead to drinking booze
neat, to sucking down organic wine or just to brand loyalty. They
rarely get fully shellacked -- but, oh, when they do! Virgo's
controlled by the intellect, but there's an unbridled beast lurking
within, and they let it loose when walloped. It's dead sexy (and
surprisingly unsloppy). As one Virgo friend used to declare, "I'm
going to drink myself into a low level of intelligence tonight." A
toast to the subgenius IQ!
Trademark cocktails
Many Virgos prefer clear, simple, untreacly drinks like vodka tonic
or a real margarita, though you'll find 'em drinking anything --
from unflinchingly downing Cuervo straight to smirkingly ordering a
dirty virgin. They also tend to like bitter, low-alk guzzles like
Campari and soda. They rarely change their drink once they've found
it, however.
Drinking buddies
Cameron Diaz, Hugh Grant, Christopher Isherwood, Michael Jackson,
Freddie Mercury, Carrie-Anne Moss, Dorothy Parker, Ryan Philippe,
Keanu Reeves, Lily Tomlin
LIBRA
Drinking style
"I'm jusht a social drinker," slurs Libra, "it's jusht that I'm so
damn social?" Libra loves nothing more than to party, mingle and
relate to everyone. Whether dipped in favor of Good Libra (with
Insta-Friend device set to "on") or heavier on the Evil Libra side
(they are little instigators when bored), the Scales can really work
a room. Charming as they are, Libras are notoriously lacking in
self-control, however, which can get them into all sorts of trouble
-- including wearing their wobbly boots waaaay too early in the
evening, flirting with their best friend's beau or even blacking out
the night's events entirely. Oops! Trademark cocktails
Aesthetic Libras like pretty, pouffy drinks like a pink lady or a
brandy Alexander. That's the influence of Venus, their ruling
planet, which also gives them a horror of crudely named potions like
Sex on the Beach. They're fine with "normal" guzzles like apple
martinis, but every Libra secretly just wants Champagne, and lots of
it. Drinking buddies
Jimmy Carter, Simon Cowell, Ani DiFranco, Janeane Garofalo, Hugh
Jackman, Martina Navratilova, Gwyneth Paltrow, Sting, Oscar Wilde,
Catherine Zeta-Jones
SCORPIO
Drinking style
Don't ever tell Scorpios they've had enough, for they'll smirk at
you and quietly but intentionally keep tippling till they're
hog-whimpering drunk, out of 100-proof spite. Scorpios like to
drink, and screw you if you have a problem with that. Most of them
see the sauce as something to savor in itself, and not as a
personality-altering tool -- though if depressed, self-loathing
Scorps seek total obliteration. But generally, they're fascinating
drinking pals, brilliant conversationalists and dizzying flirts.
They also remember everything -- especially what you did when you
were blitzed. Only drink with a Scorpio who likes you. Trademark
cocktails
Just as a Scorpio can look you in the eye and smile while secretly
plotting your demise, so does the brandy-laced stinger's sweet taste
hide a potent amount of alcohol. If you want to get literal, serve
them a scorpion -- they may not love tropical drinks, but it shows
you're paying attention. Scorpio rules watermelon, so break out the
blender and fix a pitcher of watermelon margaritas to seduce 'em --
though red wine will do the trick just as well. Drinking buddies
Truman Capote, Hillary Clinton, Leonardo DiCaprio, Jodie Foster,
Bill Gates, k.d. lang, Megan Mullally, Demi Moore, Sylvia Plath,
RuPaul
SAGITTARIUS
Drinking Style
In vino veritas -- and, for Sagittarius, in booze blurtiness: When
buttered, they'll spill all your secrets and many of their own.
Tactlessness aside, Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink with.
This is a sign of serious partying (what else would you expect from
the sign of Sinatra, Keith Richards, the Bush twins and Anna Nicole
Smith?). They're the people who chat up everyone in the room, then
persuade the entire crowd to travel somewhere else -- like a
nightclub, or a playground, or Cancun. Good-natured hijinks are sure
to ensue (including a high possibility of loopy groping; spontaneous
Sag is a brilliant booty call).
Trademark cocktails
A travel-loving sign, Sagittarius might be intrigued by drinks like
Moscow mules, Singapore slings -- perhaps even a Long Island iced
tea (not a bad option, given how much Sag can put away and still
stay vertical). Party monsters that they are, they're attracted to
shots, like the ever-popular lemon drop. Sag rules pears, and could
use a nice pear cider right about now, come to think of it. Drinking
buddies
The Bush twins, Margaret Cho, Noel Coward, Betty Ford, Lucy Liu,
Brad Pitt, Keith Richards, Frank Sinatra, Anna Nicole Smith, Britney
Spears
CAPRICORN
Drinking style
Capricorn is usually described as practical, steadfast, money-hungry
and status-thirsty -- no wonder they get left off the astrological
cocktail-party list. But this is the sign of David Bowie and Annie
Lennox, not to mention Elvis. Capricorn is the true rock star:
independent, powerful and seriously charismatic, not too eager to
please. And if they make money being themselves, who are you to
quibble? But just like most rock stars, they're either totally on or
totally off, and they generally need a little social lubricant to
loosen up and enjoy the after party, especially if they can hook up
with a cute groupie. Trademark cocktails
Old-fashioned Cap would probably like an old-fashioned just fine --
or a dry martini, or a gin and tonic, or a gimlet -- or any other
no-nonsense quaff. They prefer drinks that taste like alcohol and
generally hate drinks with more than three ingredients. However,
they like the flavor of cranberry and will order a cosmo if they can
handle the wait for it to get mixed. Drinking buddies
Orlando Bloom, David Bowie, James Dean, Marlene Dietrich, Martin
Luther King Jr., Jude Law, Annie Lennox, Marilyn Manson, Richard
Nixon, Elvis Presley
AQUARIUS
Drinking style
Aquarius and drinking don't go together that well (except for water,
that is). They have an innate tendency toward know-it-allism, and if
they get an idea while sizzled, they're more stubborn than a stain
or a stone. If they're throwing a party or organizing an outing,
however, they're too preoccupied with their duties to get combative
-- and they make perfectly charming drunks in that case.
Fortunately, they're usually capital drink-nursers. They also make
the best designated drivers (if you can get them before they start
raising their wrist): Aquarius is fascinated by drunk people and
capable of holding interesting conversations with soused strangers
while sober. Trademark cocktails
Aquarius is likely to order stuff most people have never heard of: a
capirinha, Satan's whiskers, a negroni, an Arthur Tompkins. They
like to stump the bartender. This sign rules the color electric blue
and would be pleased by any tipple featuring blue curacao. They also
rule the olive tree, so pour the juice into that dirty martini.
Drinking buddies
Jennifer Aniston, Ellen DeGeneres, Dr. Dre, Matt Groening, Ashton
Kutcher, Ronald Reagan, Christina Ricci, Justin Timberlake, Oprah
Winfrey, Elijah Wood
PISCES
Drinking style
If you're a Pisces, you've probably already heard that you share a
sign -- and an addictive personality -- with Liz Taylor, Liza
Minelli and Kurt Cobain. Not only do Pisces like to lose themselves
in the dreamy, out-there feeling that only hooch can give, but they
build up a mighty tolerance fast. Who needs an expensive date like
that? On the other hand, they're fabulously enchanting partners,
whether in conversation or in crime. With the right Pisces, you can
start out sharing a pitcher of margaritas and wind up in bed
together for days. The phrase "addictive personality" can be read
two ways, you know. Trademark Cocktails
Pisces rules fresh mint, and they do love a mojito or three --
though a julep will do just as well. They also like punches, like
sangria or the oh-so-aptly named fish house punch. (Pretty much
anything will satisfy a Pisces in a pinch, though -- "drinking like
a fish" is an idiom pulled out of the zodiac, not the deep blue
sea.) Pisces is a chocoholic and loves creme de cacao (and spiked
cocoa). Drinking buddies
Drew Barrymore, Chastity Bono, Chelsea Clinton, Kurt Cobain, Edward
Gorey, Queen Latifah, Liza Minelli, Anais Nin, Sharon Stone, Liz Taylor
Lindaland
UBBFriend: Email This Page to Someone! 
posted December 05, 2008 08:06 AM
Or what do you think? 
posted December 05, 2008 08:10 AM
everyone looks better @ 2am.
posted December 05, 2008 08:52 AM
posted December 05, 2008 07:23 PM
