posted November 20, 2003 12:20 PM         

It's normal to feel like this

"Oh I can teach the weeping willow to cry, cry cry,
and I could pull love out of a clear blue sky, and I could cry a big river, full of love and understanding, hoping someone will come in and swim with me, but I will be here waiting until I die. Oh I taught the weeping willow to cry, cry , cry, and grieve over this lost love for no reason at all, and find love and understanding out of a clear blue sky, cause he left me all alone, to face it on my own, and I guess I will be here alone, until I die. Truly, I lost my man and now I'll die"

But I taught the weeping willow how to cry, cry, cry, and I can pull love and understanding out of a clear blue sky, so come swim in my river that I cried from tears of understanding, cause there's plenty more to share until I die. Cause when I cry, I feel alive. Cause God gave me tears to tell me I'm alive. Come cross my big river full of tears of understanding, and we can swim together until we die, we can swim together until we die"

I think you can find some understanding from someone, somewhere, right now you just need to feel a little more alive.

And you will feel that Katie, when you break down and cry. So cry a little and laugh a little and get ready to live again. Because taking someone else on right now is a gamble that you are just not ready to do yet, because if you were ready the one that loves you and understands you would appear. Until then the tears will dry up slowly, you will see and pretty soon you will find someone who finally makes you feel alive. Not every man lies, not every man is insincere.

posted November 20, 2003 11:16 PM         

I agree with the love addict diagnosis. If that is the same as the romance addict. He trys to tell me that it means nothing to him and so on...but I know that he has to be getting something out of it or he wouldn't be doing it. I find what you said about past hurts very interesting. His past two girlfriends (both live in long time relationships) left him for other men and it really hurt him, especially the last one.
I just don't know what to do to fix things.

posted November 21, 2003 06:02 AM         

NO, NO & NO!!

Cry as long as it takes!
Then start planning!
And then start moving to direction you want to go.
Don't think of moving away but more in terms of creating the preferrable environment.

Earth/Earth people seem to have difficulties with making the first few steps. Letting the tangible suff go. But when you have started, it becomes easier and easier and easier. And any step you take will change where you stand and bring the new perspective and then you start seeing new faces around you.

Make the move. Create the momentum.

Aen (Cap/Virgo)

posted November 21, 2003 10:08 AM         

Are you ever so depressed that you can't eat? Or when having sex, vision someone else?

I have. That's what my marriage was like for me. But guess what? You're not alone and there is no better time to bring your spirits up. Now, until the first week of December, is the karmic time to LET GO OF THE MASK!!!

It is time Kat to be that woman you once were, and change. What you are now, is not the real you. The time that we are in right now is when we are supposed to let go of everything we have ever known and go into world bare handed. Let go. It is time Kat to find you, again. It hurts me to see a women, such as yourself, in the same situation I was in. I gave my husband everything, emotionally and physically. I paid half the rent, paid for my own car, and the insurance. He only paid for the other half of the rent and the utilities. My bills added up to $1,100 a month and his were $500.

What I need to make clear to you is, the people that are around you, supporting you and telling you how to get through it, no matter how close they me be to, may no be there in the next months to come. But that is okay. YOU need to prove it to yourself, that YOU are capable of doing this by yourself. But that doesn't mean you should push yourself away from people.

People come into your life at the right time, for the right reasons, and then they leave. Your husband, now, is here now for a reason, but don't torture yourself waiting for him to change. People can only change certain things, but their soul never changes.

Please Kat!!! I need you to call your mother, father, girlfriend, who ever can take you in, and tell them you are on your way. In a year from now, you WILL be stronger. Believe me.

I am living proof.

posted November 21, 2003 12:16 PM         

I remember myself happy sometimes, and I wonder how I ever got from there to here.
And why the hell I didn't leave a trail of breadcrumbs to find my way out.

Last night I was reading a book (I hate to read, odd, being an aspiring writer) but this book simply reflected my every thought, emotion and the people in my life. (In case you're curious, it's called Good In Bed). I finished it last night at 2am, and bawled my eyes out, just sobbed until about 5 am. I almost weakened and called that guy who likes me, but I resisted. I needed to do it alone.

I woke up when my soon to be ex husband came home from work. He tried his best to make me feel small again. It didn't work. Hopefully, that feeling will be bounced back to him.

That 3 hour crying jaunt emptied me, but I don't mean in a bad way. I feel like theres room now for something else. After I read these latest posts, before I went to bed, I was thinking, Yeah Right...cry...that'll solve everything.
I apologize for being so quick to write it off. I am by no means done with it either, because I can feel all those years of anger and pain surfacing, wanting to climb their way out.

Before I start to sound like I've had too much therapy, Ill go. I am not out of the woods, I know. And I'm grateful to have all of you around to lean on.

Now I just have to plan what I'm going to do without totally sacrificing what I want and need.

Love,
Kat

posted November 21, 2003 01:25 PM         

We need to find more ways to trust and love eachother on this earth. You are doing the right thing, looking for a better way.

posted November 21, 2003 01:31 PM         

There are thousands of women going through the same thing as you. And everyone has a different solution. He will have to relate to what's in your mind and trust you. You have an open mind but you are trying not to lose it. He is battling your peace of mind and he has to relate to that. There are steps both of you can take, physical steps, and he can sign a contract with you to not use his computer for anything other than work.

He has to trust you, and you have to trust him. The only way is to set limits and follow guidelines that have worked before. He needs to tune out from the computer and tune into you step by step.
Those links can help, but I would start there. They all say he has to limit his computer use to a certain amount of time per day and only at work for a while. Then you can add on time. You can't cut back slowly and no cheating. After he does well with work only, then both of you can add time. He may feel that's strict and controlling but it's either that or he loses your trust. It will just get worse unless he takes it seriously.

posted November 25, 2003 03:18 AM         

Natasha, I'm not sure if I told you or not but I had a premonition about this exact thing before he moved out here. I remember exactly where I was and how I felt when the thought exploded in my mind and gave me a chill. "What if he comes here and talks to other women on the internet"....nah, I thought, after all, we hadn't been online at all, only on the phone. Boy, did it happen though...and somehow I knew that it was going to happen.

Here's part of the deal...someone's message on another thread summed him up perfectly.
Let me see if I can direct you there...

hope this isn't against the rules, didn't know how else to do it...

Nikky
Knowflake
Posts: 87
From: mo,usa
Registered: Sep 2002
posted November 21, 2003 10:35 PM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gemini !!!!!! huh!!! i am in contact with a gemini for last 30 yrs (oh!well myself).
to keep them interested
1. don't give them evrything at once.
2. keep them guessing.
3. be challenging they want competition becuase once they know they have it then they move on.
4. if they love you they will keep you as a queen.
5. if they loose interest they will move on very easily but will always think of you no matter how far you are.
6. once they like somoeone they never give up on them no matter how hard the life might get.
if you get a gemini hang on to him "he is a treasure".
life is fun with them becuase they surprise you a lot. if you hate changes and surprises then look somewhere else gemini is not ur kind.
they are swift and VERY VERY romantic.

they love to fall in love with love
they flirt a lot it is kind of second nature to them but it is harmless.
they talk very sweet and loose temper very quick.
they talk all day and night but u will not get bored becuase they talk very intellectually about various subjects.
it is like A to B to C ..........

good luck
did i say everything abt myself
nikky

That pretty much sums it up.
Except he doesn't have a quick temper. He does stand up against me...he's not a whimp by any means. He also will admit that he is wrong. He will say he is going to stop, but I really don't think he ~can~ stop himself...anymore than I can stop myself from being upset about it.

Anyway...thank you SO much, Natasha. I really appreciate your kind words of wisdom.
I wish there were someway I could repay you.

KATIE.....I hope you are doing well...*warm hug* if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm always available. firestar@cox.net.
(sorry Randall)
*s*

posted November 25, 2003 01:57 PM         

- The Gravity of The Moon

Remember what pulls you away can always pull you closer.

posted November 25, 2003 09:39 PM         

When his computer is not there, he will know why and he will love for it. It's better than the way things are now. He's not growing and changing with you and that will hurt him later.

It sucks that these thoughts pop into our mind, but it's not your fault you wanted a perfect world. So do I, I think it's normal.

I want a perfect world too, but we can't ignore our instincts ever. People do not change overnight and the only way we can help a person change is to relate to them what's in our mind on a day to day basis not matter how uncomfortable. In business, you want others to feel comfortable, but in relationships it's not always easy. You are both in it for better or for worse. have faith and you will get through the worse but he has to feel that too, otherwise you will always be on edge.

It reminds me of a song (sounds like denial)
This is so me:
Blondie:
No I don't believe in luck
No I don't believe in circumstance no more
Accidents never happen in a perfect world
So I won't believe in luck
I saw you walking in the dark
So I slipped behind your footsteps for a while
Caught you turning round the block
Fancy meeting in a smaller world, after all
Accidents never happen, could have planned it all
Precognition in my ears
Accidents never happen in a perfect world
Complications disappear
Now you love me
I, yeah, I can tell
I never lied, I never cried
And you, you knew so well
Like the Magi on the hill
I can divinate your presence from afar
And I'll follow you until
I can bring you to a perfect world
Accidents never happen, could have planned it all
Precognition in my ears
Accidents never happen in a perfect world
Complications disappear
Accidents never happen in a perfect world
Accidents never happen
Accidents never happen in a perfect world
Accidents never happen

Sounds like fun right?
I know I've been there and it felt so right, but only when I heard it in my own head. But it hurts to relate the truth to the one you love because you know it's what that person needs and he could leave. But he needs to hear it so you can hear what's in his head too. It's the only way two Air signs will stay together.

You have done a good job so far, most people don't even bother trying to keep their relationships in bounds. Don't give up.

Natasha
Taurus/6th house Sun

posted November 28, 2003 02:17 AM         

I just wanted to say thank you again.
I know that one of the hardest things in life is to allow our minds to direct our hearts in the right direction. I especially have a problem with this, I tend to be a pleaser, I like things to be fair, and then I drive myself nuts with my Libran indecisiveness. Luckily in this case I didn't have to pull the plug. He actually did it himself. He has even owned up to the fact that there is a problem and that we should look at those sites together.