posted July 23, 2005 10:19 AM         

That was helpful… So you get lost if you live outside, I mean exclusively outside… Well, I also need to retreat inside… But my achievements are outside, I learn my lessons outside, in my interaction with the world and other people… I only go inside to rest, there is no lesson there… like a warrior who comes back home to heal and sleep…

When I talk about achievements I don’t mean necessarily material things. They are most of the time spiritual… I learn about life looking at the world instead of looking at myself…

I suppose you are fighting a war, even when it seems that you are static and withdrawn… The was is within your soul… Gosh, I think I feel lucky of having my peaceful den to come back to when I return after a harsh day in the battlefield… Do you feel safe in the outer world? If your lessons are inside, you should…

I’ve also heard that people with a lot of retros can be uncomfortable and scared of the outer world as they spend so long inside and they don’t quite understand its mechanisms… they can have serious problems with self-worth out of insecurity or lack of external achievement…

Why is it so hard to learn the lesson the 1st time round? Do you get somehow cloudy and confused?

Have you got Venus retro? That’s the retro planet that startles me the most… My guy has it… And apparently, these people get so stuck in love matters that they tend to idealise partners, feel inadequate or lose the love of their lives before they realise what they really feel for them… Quite frustrating really. He has been patiently losing me for 17 years now out of indecision and who knows what else… Can’t he do anything right? I sometimes think he is a born loser… Can’t he go and conquer? Can’t he win?

Why can’t I help loving him?

I’m really getting sick of postponing my life for him. I’m not made for waiting, not for standing still. I suppose you would feel the same frustrated because we can’t stay still. I need to step forward. Always. Otherwise I feel dead… He feels as such a heavy burden sometimes, it’s like dragging something powerfully rooted.

I really tried this time… I was going to stay in Spain forever. Even when that thought sacred me to death… Staying… Forever… For someone who is stuck… I offered him a chance. That was a few months ago. I bet he is still pondering it… Not quick enough… I catched a new train while waiting… I’m going abroad for at least 2 years next summer for work… It is a fantastic oportunity and I can’t waste it… Not when the compensation would be getting stuck, maybe for too many years before he decides he is too scared and is not even trying. I may even be lucky and come back before he even realises I have been away…

posted July 26, 2005 09:28 AM         

"So you get lost if you live outside, I mean exclusively outside… Well, I also need to retreat inside… But my achievements are outside, I learn my lessons outside, in my interaction with the world and other people… I only go inside to rest, there is no lesson there… like a warrior who comes back home to heal and sleep…"

Ah this is where the difference lies. I must learn my lessons within, conquer my inner fears (such as certain insecurities and becoming more confident) during my alone time. Then I'm able to apply that to the outer world and succeed more. I noticed that if I do make a mistake, it is usually not on public display. Or when it is, the hard lesson of the mistake is felt more internally than externally (ie: affecting other people). I've come to like this way because I depend on myself and see my own mistakes w/o others having to catch them.

"When I talk about achievements I don’t mean necessarily material things. They are most of the time spiritual… I learn about life looking at the world instead of looking at myself…"

Ah ok. Sorry for that. I get what you mean now. I am the opposite. I learn about life by looking within more and when I understand myself, I can understand the mechanisms of the world. But if I look at the world and others first and try to learn my lessons from there, I just get all confused lol. So I need to know my inner workings before I try to figure out the psychology behind world events or daily events or try to understand people for that matter.

"I suppose you are fighting a war, even when it seems that you are static and withdrawn… The was is within your soul… Gosh, I think I feel lucky of having my peaceful den to come back to when I return after a harsh day in the battlefield… Do you feel safe in the outer world? If your lessons are inside, you should…"

Yes I feel safe now It is because I feel more secure about myself now that I feel safe enough to 'venture outside' so to speak. It hasn't always been that way because only in the past few years have I taken big steps toward my growth.

"Have you got Venus retro? That’s the retro planet that startles me the most… My guy has it… And apparently, these people get so stuck in love matters that they tend to idealise partners, feel inadequate or lose the love of their lives before they realise what they really feel for them… Quite frustrating really. He has been patiently losing me for 17 years now out of indecision and who knows what else… Can’t he do anything right? I sometimes think he is a born loser… Can’t he go and conquer? Can’t he win?"

Oh, I'm sorry you've been going through this I don't have Venus in retro though, so I really don't know. I'm usually one of those people who keep on giving love even when the guy says to stop lol.

"Why can’t I help loving him?"
Maybe he needs to learn self-love before he can give away his love. And that takes time, years even for some to reach that kind of fulfillment. Perhaps it is not your lesson to fix or help him. Perhaps it is his lesson to do on his own. And maybe your lesson is to realize that you have given more than usual to this relationship, but the time has come to let go...and honestly from experience with my guy, when I have let go in the relationship-seeking context, we have been closer than before. It is hard somedays, when I feel like my heart is pulling me back to him and yet I fully know that I can't put myself through that heartache again. It is like a constant push & pull somedays. But now I'm slowly becoming 'immune' to these pulls and creating my own life again...and it is better than before not because I'm in a relationship with him, but because I sought hard to understand his needs. He has been a true growth lesson for me.

posted July 27, 2005 04:06 PM         

I’m at that point when I’m seriously considering to give up forever and forget about him. My best friend has also Venus retro and I’m trying to understand the problem looking at her (learning by observing the world and interacting with others… you see? My direct self again… ).

She says they need a thousand evidences to believe you love them. They are tough with you, they torture you in silence while evaluating if your intentions are serious. She has done it with me many times. Now she is as faithful as a soul can be to a friend. Because she trusts me. But I know the effect she has in other people… They’d say she is so hard to love and they can’t understand how I can tolerate her because she is apparently so ungrateful to my kindness… But I know better. She is deep, maybe not sunny or light-hearted, but when she loves you, then you are lucky to have her).

It’s the same with him. Only he will know when I’ve passed the test if I do… It’s so frustrating, so discouraging… It’s like he doesn’t care… But I bet he does and he’s secretly grumbling with disappointment because I’m not calling him more often… Thinking ‘You see? She wasn’t really interested… How could she be? I’m so worthless…’

I’m not stopping for him. I can’t. Otherwise I’d die… I just need to keep the equilibrium… Keep living my life but with enough guts to keep reminding him that I’m around even in the cold silence of no feedback or apparent appreciation…