posted September 24, 2004 01:12 AM         

thank you for your welcome and your reply and your polite consideration, i appreciate that....i am taking note of things, but i find it very difficult to always remember everything that i've read online when i'm going about my life offline, unfortunately....once in a while something will sink in, though, and it'll come to me when i need it....i think i should reread things periodically, since so much is offered on boards like this and it's not easy to absorb all of it at once.....a lot of it has made me think, though, such as about my Venus/Pluto Conjunction

my GOD....

i read this after the latest Tony incident and as an Aquarian Moon can do, i stepped back and took a look at myself and it changed my perspective and explained a lot about me, at the same time:

--------->Venus/Pluto

his Pluto is in my 7th house, conjunct my Venus, too (as well as his MC falling in my 5th house, stimulating even more loving feelings).....so there you go...i do look for deep emotional connections with lovers, but then, he does, too....it's just so difficult right now because we're physically far apart.....i think if we were able to be together in the flesh more often, a lot more would be expressed and not necessarily verbally....the time we were together, his touch said it all to me....and i'll never forget the look in his eyes and on his face...but yeah, there are power issues present, for sure, and because his Scorpio-ness and my Leo-ness do Square each other (just as my husband's does, too - damn sexy Scorps! hehe), we're bound to have clashes of wills every now and then.....but after this latest experience, i know now that he's just as serious about and willing to communicate cooperatively and honestly any time we experience difficulty...

it turned out that his phone's power cord died, or something went wrong with it, requiring him to buy a new one, and so Verizon forwarded all the messages i'd left to his voice mailbox, which he told me he hasn't had the PIN# to in a long time, so he never heard them and didn't know i had even called (since we had a "date", he wondered why i wasn't calling, which prompted him to discover the cord problem!)

the last time i had attempted to reach him, i got his regular answering machine, so i left a message telling him that i wasn't abandoning him, but i was giving him space until he gets back in touch with me...well, the next day he emailed me and explained what's been going on with him both about me and besides me and it turns out there's a lot....he was angry at me and figured it was just as well that we didn't talk because he didn't feel like getting into a "screaming match"......well, i answered by telling him that screaming matches are usually all about egos, anyway, and i've had enough of that in the venomous atmosphere i've been living in for far too long and that i've always seen our relationship as being very supportive, yadda yadda yadda....long story short, he told me he definitely sees we're on the same page and thanked me for being so understanding and supportive of him, and patient....i admitted a few things to him, particularly about the deep desire i feel for him as well as my occasional tendency to want to possess him in some way .....but because i've always given him room and plenty of freedom and privacy, he understands that i may feel it but i don't always act on it.....except for when i have an emotional need to connect with him and i'm met with insensitivity....he apologized for it and told me he'll try to reply with more sensitivity in the future....

yeah, i do think this is an important relationship and i am going to contact this Ian guy and see what he makes of it....Tony's job is closing next month, which is a lot earlier than he expected and his future is unclear at the moment, and i just got a brand new job at a major newspaper and my husband and i have had the sh!t hit the fan again in recent days, so it looks as if we're going to move forward as far as this separation goes....once i get a few paychecks and some money saved, i'll be looking for an apartment of my own....

just tonight, Tony and i both acknowledged that it seems our circumstances are beginning to parallel and point to the possibility of him relocating and us being together....(he's got a friend/career colleague not far from me) ......it's at once exciting and scary, but either way, he's told me again that no matter what happens with me and my husband, he'll always be 100% supportive of me....and that meant a LOT to me to hear from him and makes me love him even more cuz i know it's sincere, regardless of how he might feel about me, himself....

everything's changing so rapidly....