posted November 20, 2004 11:25 PM         

I've blabbered on the boards here enough about centering yourself and trying to approach life with no expectation, ... (when you left, you were doing what you felt was the best for you, but yet there was still the thought in your mind that it might make him wake up, so to speak. There was that expectation. He probably sensed this subtle manipulation as control on your part---and rebelled)...
Giving without thought of receiving...Pure Love at its finest. But, yet, also as you give this of yourself, cherish your Love as Sacred.
Protect it.
This is just as important.
Place it only in places where it can flourish and grow...where it will be nurtured and cherished. Love needs a vessel flowing back and forth to grow. Without it...it is squandered and lost.
If you have given of yourself from such a pure place...and then there is no reciprocation....although so difficult to let go, keep on following your path to where it will. Don't let anyone treat your love as anything less than Sacred. It is to you, isn't it? Why let anyone else treat it as less?
This is a glorious World so filled with so much Love...the opportunities before you are immense...although I know it is hard to imagine that right now.

Cry your tears...Release and release until you come home to yourself again.
You will.

All my best wishes for you

posted November 21, 2004 12:46 AM         

i actually did some readings yesterday. it just seemed to be saying that he thinks we should stay apart for the better of both of us. and that he is working through his grief knowing that the future will be better for both of us. when i asked will we get back together i got an blank card. so...?

i just feel that i know staying apart is the best thing for both of us and that i probably even chose this for myself before i incarnated. i just can't seem to accept it though.

right now i can't see me ever being happy with anyone else. or anybody for that matter. i just feel like my life was a waste. i don't even care anymore.
i cared for him so much when he slacked off and now he can just walk away with no hurt or guilt? why should i need to care about myeself then? why can't i just slack off and live in filth for the rest of my life?
i don't even have a reason to get out of bed.

posted November 22, 2004 12:15 AM         

Here is some info I found regarding some of your toughest and most challenging current transits. These are someone else's interpretations, not mine, as I've yet to master the art of transit interpretation. :P

SATURN SQUARE NATAL PLUTO: Certain areas and positions of life are being
eliminated to ultimately make room for regrowth. Letting go seems to insure chaos. Circumstances and situations that take place under this transit are usually meant 'to be'. Remember to consider playing the waiting game - keep honest, practice detachment and that which is obsolete will fade away.

URANUS SQUARE NATAL MERCURY: A transit which brings an increased pace
of life. Mentally increases challenges in the mental realms. Chaos in communicating with others, whether they be your siblings, peers or groups of people. Sharp words towards and from others.

URANUS SQUARE NATAL URANUS: On a personal level rebellion of established or conventional structures. Your initiative to
find individuality now sets a new course and brings redirection in life goals. Remember its' best to make changes as smoothly as possible while adjusting to new conditions and status in life. Go with the flow and once transit passes - then reassess the damage.

NEPTUNE SQUARE NATAL SUN: A very long disorganizing transit. This transit is difficult to recognize in the sense that you are experiencing and having aspects of yourself hidden from you. However once this
transit has passed you will be able to look back to clearly see that which was previously confusing.
Challenges ~ disorientating circumstances abound ~ within you and
around you. Self-doubts and disillusions. Increased states of being imaginative and inspired yet unable to actually fulfill or manifest. Disappointment in many areas and many feelings of inadequacy and/or that
time is being wasted. Negative environments. Involvement in intrigues
and scandals. Desire to 'run away'. May indicate situations of you being
with sick people.
Remember ~ this is truly a time of inner work. It is most important to keep as honest as possible and to keep moving forward.

posted November 22, 2004 01:30 AM         

well, i am feeling better guys!
Libra emailed me back after i sent him a nasty email and subsequently apologized for it. he said thank you very much for the letter and that he never meant to upset me or hurt me by what he said. he also said to please email him when i am ready to talk!

all this stupid worrying for nothing! i guess he wasn't trying to be mean and ignore me. my imagination and instability at the moment led me to believe he had changed into a completely differant and mean person.
it seems now that my thinking was unfounded.

i don't know if he wants to get back together or not or what changes he has made, if any. but, at this point i am ecstatic that he is willing to discuss us because for a moment there i thought he just hated me and really never wanted to talk to me again.

i know that this experience has taught me alot. there are many things i need to change about myself. i feel that if he is willing to work on himself as well, then... well... who knows.

just being able to talk about things even if we agree that it is best to go our own way is a great feeling. i know now that i mattered as much as i was sure i did to him.

if things do not work out then i know i can deal with it. i've got all of your support behind me. how can i not?

your support and advice and caring thoughts were really all that was getting me through this period of instability. your love is amazing!
i would personally like to thank each and everyone of you. i know how long those posts take to write and i appreciate that you would take time out of your day to help me. i appreciate it more than you will ever know!

to:
vtt
johnny
aquarian girl
ghanima81
yin
chrissymgreen
librasparkle
karen SD
pixelpixie
moonbaby
sthenri
sassygrrrl
mystic Scorpio
purple_scorp
heart&soul

thank you for all of you love and support.
it will never be forgotten.

and hopefully i didn't forget anyone or i'll be really embarrassed!

also, thank you to anyone who read my posts and didn't reply but kept me in your thoughts. i know that sometimes i don't reply but still send my love.

thank you and i love you all!

posted November 22, 2004 05:30 AM         

I'm glad things are picking up for you. Communication is the first step. I'll still do you a reading. Do you want me to post it on here?

Did you do a tarot reading for yourself? What deck did you use that had the blank card?

Wishing you love and happiness.

posted November 24, 2004 12:09 AM         

yes, things are better. i talked to him today on the phone and he was so nice and we are going to talk on monday. it seems as if getting back together is a real possibility. now, i just need to figure out if we can truely be happy with one another. i just always seem to feel this restlessness. sort of like i always want what i can't have? it's hard to explain. i think the way i was treated when i was a child makes me feel as if i can't feel loved unless someone is being mean to me. and when things are going well, i freak.
it's odd...

but, yes you may post a reading for me on here! it's not like people don't know all about me on here already.
i don't know what i would really ask... seeing as things have changed. perhaps if we would be happy and content with each other if we got back together or if we need to move on to experience other souls and karma. you can also read "we" as "i".
or you can do whatever you want. it's up to you! i'm just excited to read it!

posted November 25, 2004 07:43 AM         

it's a very long reading. I used an Oracle deck called The Love Pack and I did a spread called Partnership Potential.

There are 84 cards in this deck, divided unequally into four suits. If a problem card is drawn, then you continue to redraw until you get a card from one of the other three suits.

The problem cards show the layers that need to be worked through.

The Foundation of the relationship has three positions (Healing, Love, Friendship). The cards in these positions demonstrate the level of strength in key areas of healing

Healing – Willingness to change and grow and make the relationship better

You: Self-worth 7 (Healing)

This card is about you believing in yourself. In the healing position it is important because it means that you have self-love and it is only when we have this that we are capable of loving another.

Him: Cynicism 44 (Problem), Jealousy 79 (Problem), Communication 5 (Healing)

Somehow, his healing is tied in with what he believes about love. This card shows a woman on a balcony, tipping a bucket of water over a couple who are hugging below. So maybe he’s questioning whether love is possible in any form. Once he works through this cynicism he will become jealous of the way you approach love. The only way through is communication. It is important that he keeps the lines of communication open, for that is the way he will heal.

Love – potential for joy support and play

You: Dream Come True 22 (Luck)

You have an idea of how you want love to be and of what will make you happy. You dream about it and, when it manifests, it is exactly as you had pictured it.

Him: Play 18 (Luck)

He wants to treat love as a carefree child. The card shows a man at the bottom of a slide, waiting to catch the woman who is sliding down. He doesn’t want to get bogged down in the seriousness of love at the moment. He just wants to have some fun and relax.

Friendship – potential for joy support and play

You: Healing 2 (Healing)

You are currently nursing a man with a broken heart, but you are caring and supporting toward him. It’s like a nurturing that you can give, and you can give this because you have healed yourself.

Him: Old Wounds 56 (Problem), Love 42 (Grace)

Looks as though he’s had his heart broken before and that has made him hold onto the past. You are perfect for him at this time, because you can show compassion and help him heal that break. Problem is, he has closed off to you and he’s clutching that broken heart to his chest. If he can work through that issue and open up to your love, he will find love for himself.

Bridge of the relationship has three positions (Communication, Trust, Joining). They demonstrate the potential for reaching out and connecting with partners.

Communication – major tool in building bridges

You: Self-Consciousness 67 (Problem), Never Enough 81 (Problem), Neediness 78 (Problem), Revenge 54 (Problem), Holding On 82 (Problem), Happiness 41 (Grace)

I get the impression that at some point you were not communicating effectively so you became very self-conscious of yourself. Instead of saying what you felt, you started to second-guess your feelings and were too busy making sure you didn’t hurt him. It seemed that no matter what you tried, it was never enough. So, you tried harder but this just made you look needy. For a brief time, you started to feel resentful that he couldn’t see you for what you were worth and you contemplated some form of revenge. But that didn’t work for you either. It still left you feeling empty. It was at that point that you realised how much you missed him and you grabbed every crumb in an effort to hang on to what you had. The problem with holding on is that it makes you look needy and that is very unattractive. It’s almost as though you need to let something go, in order for it to come back. Once you drop that neediness, you will find your happiness. I guess the message here is you shouldn’t try to protect him with your communication. If you feel something, you need to express it.

Him: Bad Attitude 64 (Problem), Fear of Commitment 84 (Problem), Fear 80 (Problem), Fear of Inadequacy 45 (Problem), Sensuality 20 (Luck)

Wow, there’s a lot of fear here. It all started with a bad attitude where he refused to communicate. I think he felt closed in, as though you were expecting more from him. And he wouldn’t be able to live up to that. There is a fear of commitment, a fear of inadequacy and just plain old fear. These cards all point to a mental problem. Not necessarily a mental illness as such, but a coloured way of looking at the world. He does not feel comfortable communicating about any of those fears. However, to get through this situation, that’s exactly what he must do. He needs to share his fears with someone and not repress them. Once he beats those fears, you will have a very sensual man.

Trust – the ability of both partners to use the power of the mind to build the relationship to be faithful and to grow in confidence

You: Giving 3 (Healing)

You are sharing all that you are and all that you have. This is a very welcoming card for your partner, because it shows your unconditional love.

Him: True Love 33 (Luck)

On a trust level, he knows that you are very loving toward him. The book says that if you have asked a question specifically about whether a person is suited to you or not, and you receive this card, then the answer is definitely a YES. So, as it was his card, it means that you are the one for him.

Joining – potential for sharing, enjoying, extending to each other and building the relationship together

You: Problem 76 (Problem), Irresistibility 37 (Luck)

You have half of a piece of a heart and he has the other half. Problem is that they are not matching pieces. They cannot be connected as one. If you can solve this problem of joining, you will become irresistible to him. I like to call that card (Irresistibility) “sex on a stick”. The card shows a woman walking on a path, and men running from all directions with bunches of flowers in their hands. But you will only become irresistible if you can solve the puzzle of how your two halves are going to fit together as one.

Him: Tenderness 17 (Luck)

For him, it is a much longer and harder track back. Firstly, he has imprisoned himself. He has locked himself away but it is a false prison. It is one of self-imprisonment. The key is within his reach, yet he sits back and does not try to reach it. The weird thing is that there is only one wall in this prison, the one he is clinging to. If he looks either side or behind him, he can walk out of it and become a free man. So, it’s his choice to remain there. He tries to bring you down, by using you. And, he wants you to believe that he doesn’t need you because he is independent. But, that independence is negative because it is denial and an unwillingness to ask for help. During his isolation, he becomes deluded and thinks that he is rather special. So, he isn’t in a fit state to attract anybody into his life. Sitting on his deserted island, he makes a list of rules that anybody that comes into his life, must follow. But even then, when you’ve followed the rules, he still doesn’t know. He stands back and wonders if he should let you back into his heart. You know what – there is a huge reward if he does. The last card is The Lovers but he pretty much has to take a leap of faith to get there.

Crowning point has one position:

Fruits of the Relationship – the gifts that come from it as it presently is

You: Come Hither 25 (Luck)

Well, you have made it quite clear what you want in this relationship. You are standing under a tree and you beam a brilliant light, a radiant beauty. It is a signal to him that you want him to come to you.

Him: Loneliness 49 (Problem), Tenderness 17 (Luck)

He has a choice. He can remain alone and isolated, locked in his self-imprisonment, or he can break free and find tenderness with you.

It isn’t an easy and quick path for either of you to take. But the reading shows that there are rewards if you both can work through all of the issues raised.

I hope this helps to understand where your relationship might go.

posted November 27, 2004 11:21 PM         

that really says alot! literally. thank you for taking the time to type that all out for me. sex on a stick! haha
that deck seems so cool. maybe i'll look into it for christmas!

i think alot of what you said makes sense. i do know that he has alot of fear about love and commitment due to his past - not from a past relationship, but from his mother and childhood. those wounds go very deep. i know.

i also believe that we help each other. there is something that each of us needs and the other supplies. i believe that you are right when you say that if you can communicate and deal with these problems, you will be rewarded. i think so too.
i think that the more we talk, the closer we will become. i just feel as if things that i have been afraid to say need to be said and that once things are out in the open, we can move from there. but, i do believe that it will be worth it. even - if this does not mean we get back together. i feel now that we can be really good friends and know that i will always love him.

i talk to him on monday. should be interesting!

posted November 30, 2004 05:01 PM         

I'm glad you liked that reading. It really didn't take me that long to do, I'm never been a person who is stuck for words....

Yes, it is a cool deck and I've written a review of it on another website (but they haven't posted it yet). I'll make sure I come back here and post the link so you can find out some more about it.

It sounds as if things are already getting better for you. Take care.