Posts: 1216
From: USA
Registered: Nov 2001

posted February 17, 2005 11:42 PM         

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I get the vibe that my Gemmy bestfriend (also object of affection) is keeping an emotional/psychic distance. He comes in and out of my dreams, but it's a totally ambiguous thing...I thought we got really close over the summer, he even asked for my phone number (his mom-to-my mom) via email a month after I got home, but then never called. We are always on the same wavelength, together or apart, heck, our biorhythms match exactly, and I know the last 5 monthes in my life have been a modified version of hell, but I'm finally coming out of it by getting an emotional distance internally, perhaps he is doing the same, as I hear he's gone into Job Corps?
I don't know, I wrote him another letter the last week in January, being supportive as always, but he makes no response, and I worry about him. We have this weird and amazing bond that trancends explanation, but I'm starting to feel confused as to why he's shutting me out. Myabe he's not trying to, but darn, it feels like it.
I know he needs his space (he's a Gemini sun with a likely Sag rising, and Aries moon), and I always have this paranoia about spilling my guts on paper to him, so I feel kinda lost...maybe I'll write a poem about this (like I have many times before), but this time send it: to HIM.

I know I'm just pondering in a public forum, so I hope no one minds, it helps me clear my head.
Love and Lite,

------------------
-K
"Most people love with restraint
As if they were someday to hate
We hated gently, carefully
As if we were someday to love"-Venus Trines at Midnight

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Posts: 7624
From: Ontario, Canada
Registered: Aug 2003

posted February 18, 2005 01:55 AM         

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Clear away, sweetness, I love hearing your words.

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Posts: 519
From: and the embers never fade in your city by the lake
Registered: Jan 2002

posted February 18, 2005 04:30 AM         

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Sorry about what you're going through.

Hang in there, and good luck with everything .

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"Our true nature is of no birth and no death. Only when we touch our true nature can we transcend the fear of non-being, the fear of annihilation." ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

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Posts: 1216
From: USA
Registered: Nov 2001

posted February 18, 2005 03:37 PM         

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Thanks so much for the support. It means the world to me. I may come back again later today and ramble more, as more is still rolling around my head...

------------------
-K
"Most people love with restraint
As if they were someday to hate
We hated gently, carefully
As if we were someday to love"-Venus Trines at Midnight

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Posts: 3969
From:
Registered: Feb 2002

posted February 18, 2005 04:15 PM         

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I hear you about the frustrations.

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Posts: 3188
From: Montreal, Canada
Registered: May 2003

posted February 18, 2005 04:16 PM         

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Geminis I believe do better with phone communication than letters, call him up, and let him hear your warmth and human connection. That is what Geminis dont' have and need, human connection.

Be sure to make your needs clear, if you don't have any then define them,
as in
I want to take a trip with you,
meet you,
have dinner with you..

Natasha

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Posts: 1216
From: USA
Registered: Nov 2001

posted February 19, 2005 02:58 PM         

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Appreicate the empathy, Amy....it helps
Natasha, I just got his new address today from a conversation my mom had with his mom. I was sending him a V-Day card, and wanted to make sure it got to the place he's at now, so maybe if he writes back, I'll bug him for the phone number. I'd love to hear his voice again soon. I really have this pulling feeling that I need to go and visit him out in MT, but am concerned that he would not want that and that it might be weird to be visiting him alone...

------------------
-K
"Most people love with restraint
As if they were someday to hate
We hated gently, carefully
As if we were someday to love"-Venus Trines at Midnight

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Posts: 3188
From: Montreal, Canada
Registered: May 2003

posted February 19, 2005 03:02 PM         

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When you get those feelings regarding a Gemini, act on them. Geminis will not verbalize what they want, it's instinctive, very much like pisces they are sensitive signs and he would never take the initiative in a million years. Remember that. He wants you to pursue him, it's always that way.

I say call him, don't mail him, it's the pursuit he wants as much as the connection, just say I had a feeling that said "call".
Ask how he is? That kind of thing, let him know you are glad you called, and encourage him to call you sometime.

Nat

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Posts: 1216
From: USA
Registered: Nov 2001

posted February 19, 2005 03:16 PM         

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Another ramble, so here goes:

I am coming to the realization recently that I am, and always have been, incredibly insecure in my relationships, friends and objects of affection. I always get the nagging sensation in the pit of my stomach that a person I care ablout deeply will meet the other important people in my life and become more interested in them and forget about me. I also usually worry that the people I care deeply about will one day just find someone who they suddenly have much more in common with, and my relationship will suddenly be delegated to total insignificance...
Paranoid, I know, but al least I'm admitting it to myself. I don't know how to change this permeating insecurity. So, consequently, I worry that Tony doesn't feel as strongly about me as I do about him, and that he'll jump at the chance to meet toher girls, and find one that peaks his interest more because she lives closer, or worse, she lives at the same Job Corps he's at. I'm such a whinely little girl for saying such things, and I'm probably creating more problems by mulling over it. D*amn.
I'm such a sentimental idiot and I have got the vibe he is too, which may or may not be true. Maybe I'm wishing/imagining him to be something totally different than he is...I get the impression that he's the kind of person who would appreciate my little gestures of caring that I shower the people who I feel secure around with, but then my fears tell me that I would push him away by throwing my heart 199 percent open, and that's the last thing I want. He isn't clear on whether he reciprocates, so maybe he cares for me that way, or maybe he's trying ot let me down gently. Men, at any age they never cease to frusterate and confuse us.
I so much long to trust him with the breadth of my feelings but nerves hold me back. Why am I not brave enough to say, "I love you in so many ways and I think of you every freakin' day, so there, I thought you should know".

------------------
-K
"Most people love with restraint
As if they were someday to hate
We hated gently, carefully
As if we were someday to love"-Venus Trines at Midnight

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Posts: 1216
From: USA
Registered: Nov 2001

posted February 19, 2005 03:21 PM         

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Natasha...I wish I had his number...but he only calls home, they don't call him, so don't think his mom has his number, and even if she did, would feel weird asking for it. So, you're saying the V-Day card won't prompt him to call me. Darn.

*edited*
New idea,... I should just call the place directly and ask for Tony A*******, and say I'm a good friend. Is that out of line, do you think they'd let him accept the call?
------------------
-K
"Most people love with restraint
As if they were someday to hate
We hated gently, carefully
As if we were someday to love"-Venus Trines at Midnight

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Posts: 3188
From: Montreal, Canada
Registered: May 2003

posted February 20, 2005 01:52 AM         

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Of course that would be fine with him! It's not just opening up your heart that matters, it's being genuine with your feelings, be bold.

The sweetest touch comes after a long separation

Nat

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Posts: 1216
From: USA
Registered: Nov 2001

posted February 20, 2005 02:10 AM         

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Nat,
Which idea are you referring to that "would be fine with him"? The phone call or the open re-admission of feelings?

------------------
-K
"Most people love with restraint
As if they were someday to hate
We hated gently, carefully
As if we were someday to love"-Venus Trines at Midnight

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Posts: 456
From: ireland
Registered: Sep 2004

posted February 20, 2005 06:34 AM         

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Aahh how difficult for you, its happened to me and it is torture, isn't it. Write the poetry (don't send it) - go outside and scream, go for help, talk talk talk to like minded others. Tell yourself every day that you are letting go and pray you will be given strength.......and you know sometimes when we let go strange things happen..........was that your phone I heard ringing? Good luck xx

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Posts: 1216
From: USA
Registered: Nov 2001

posted February 20, 2005 08:55 AM         

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sue,
What wonderful advice...So true for me right now to, becuase I have many pictures of him around my room, and perhaps I have too much focus on him right now for him to know how much me means to me. In your opinion, is it still a bad idea to write him letters in the meantime, so long as I take the extreme focus away?

------------------
-K
"Most people love with restraint
As if they were someday to hate
We hated gently, carefully
As if we were someday to love"-Venus Trines at Midnight

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Posts: 1216
From: USA
Registered: Nov 2001

posted February 20, 2005 07:45 PM         

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Any more thoughts...just curious...?

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From:
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posted February 21, 2005 04:14 PM         

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Thoughts?

It's part of being human, and we can totally see your Leo moon shining You're so connected to it and works to your benefit, believe it or not.

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Posts: 3188
From: Montreal, Canada
Registered: May 2003

posted February 21, 2005 05:26 PM         

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I would call him, and let him know your feelings, it's not an admission as in guilt, just let him know the little things, like I was thinking of you, that kind of thing. Save the big feelings for in person.

Natasha
Taurus

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Posts: 1216
From: USA
Registered: Nov 2001

posted February 22, 2005 10:59 AM         

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Well, this morning, I removed the Tony photo-collage from my wall, took down the framed B/W pic I took of him at their old house, and the color pic of how he looked when I first met him...

I'm proud of myself. I am trying to give him space and "let him go", to see what happens. I might call in a week or two, if I don't get called fitst. I'm hoping he'll sense that I'm making space and losing the over-possessive streak. The song goes: they say if you love something, let it go...if it comes back, it's your, that's how you know, it's for keeps, and it's for sure...

Amy, I'm curious, how is my Leo moon visibly shining? And how does it work to my benefit...? I constantly worry about smothering people with affection, because no one seems to revel in the amount of affection I offer...
Thanks all for your wise words and encouragement

------------------
-K
"Most people love with restraint
As if they were someday to hate
We hated gently, carefully
As if we were someday to love"-Venus Trines at Midnight

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Posts: 1216
From: USA
Registered: Nov 2001

posted February 22, 2005 11:10 PM         

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Ok, here's one of my Leo moments:

the update to this post is in the forum...under the topic "TONY wrote!"

Hehehe..

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Posts: 1216
From: USA
Registered: Nov 2001

posted March 03, 2005 09:30 AM         

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Now I'm back to the insecure mindset...
I've concluded:
Since I am the way I am, I don't deserve to be romantically involved with anyone, I am incapable of relying on myself. I don't know how to really give people their space, I'm too moody and clingy. I over-react to stupid little things like giving someone my number after they asked for it, and them not calling...
Gosh, I sound like such an idiot.

I get all unglued with myself, angry that I push people away subconciosuly with my actions. I'm pathetic.
Darn guy I care for (Tony), it's not your fault that I don't trust people to stick around. You deserve a better friend than me, and down the road, a less self-centered GF than I would ever make. I release you from my mind, to free you up for other people to care. I hurt my own relationships because I get all hung up on whether people will leave me, like my bio father did, and years of foster kids did too. I need to have my head buried in the ground, preferably with cement...

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Posts: 3188
From: Montreal, Canada
Registered: May 2003

posted March 03, 2005 10:17 AM         

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Geminis are a big pain, and he has let you down. You can get mad about it if you want, but why take it out on yourself? you must have tried and couldn't get through, some people are not as caring as you, Virgo Artist, you are very worthy to be a g/f but of someone worthy of your attention. Moody, clinging, all these things are beautiful to the world, one day you will light it up forever and shine like a beacon.

You are no ordinary woman and no ordinary love will do for you, that is special. Channel your love into your creative arts, and you will receive all the love you ever wanted or needed, and your Gemini will see that even if he's scared to touch it.

Take Care,
Wishing you well,

Don't mope
Don't give up hope
So you aren't satisfied
with the love of your life
There are mountains to climb
Soul Sister, I'll be here at your side,

Natasha

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Posts: 303
From: hurst, TX, USA
Registered: Sep 2004

posted March 03, 2005 10:52 AM         

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hey there virgo aries artist!

i don't have anything to say astrologically that's smart or especially insightful, i just wanted to offer you some comfort! i don't think you should worry too much about it. your situation sounds like mine a little, in that maybe you're just over-thinking things a bit. it sounds like you guys have a great connection. don't forget that, he'll come back into the fold eventually.

xxx,

(that looks bad. it's supposed to be a triple hug.)

chrissy

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Posts: 7624
From: Ontario, Canada
Registered: Aug 2003

posted March 03, 2005 11:44 PM         

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HEY!!!
Stop that right now.

Thank you.

You are too vibrant to do that. Geez... I am happy for you that you understand yourself so well.. but in doing that, please give yourself a break!!! You understand the whys and the ways, but please understand as well, that you are an evolving human. If you don't like a basic thing about yourslf.. you have the ability to identify it and work it so the 'limitations' become the central point of your spirit. You pivot and see these things you don't like from another angle, and see how they work in your favour.
You're clingy? The man who is insecure and needs a hand in his with sensitivity and understanding will see that. And he will love it about you. A strong woman, urging him on with a firm base and a loving guidance.
The kids you will have one day will see how devoted and how much you care and are proud of them.
You will follow through on every thing you invest your soul and heart in, as you have the staying power and verve to go on despite hardships. You expect integrity and compassion and that is what you give. Facade is no parade you march in.
I see the positives, and I am reminding you that it's all in the perception, bebe.
Now STOP THIS!!!!

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Posts: 1216
From: USA
Registered: Nov 2001

posted March 04, 2005 11:55 AM         

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Ladies, I am really touched... Your loving support is greatly appreciated...sometimes it feels like I have very few places to turn, but LL remains a safe haven of comfort.

Nat,
I know he has let me down, and it stings deep down somewhere inside me. I will make an effort to channel my energies into creative projects. You're right too, about ordinary love not always being enough.
BTW, I love your little poem at the end of your post. It makes me smile, and send you an online (((hug))))

Chrissy,
I will do mu best to not worry. You are very perceptive, as I am almost positive I am over-thinking all this. I know he'll come back when he's ready, even if the time isn't right at this moment.

pix,
I really needed that reality check. It is something I know I want to work on...I thanks you wholeheatedly for making me see the positive qualities that are already there...
Love and lots of lite,
Kat

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Posts: 1216
From: USA
Registered: Nov 2001

posted March 14, 2005 11:52 AM         

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Woah, weirdness of weirdness...
See, when I was in Colorado, the whole 4 days we were there, a couple of odd things happened.
First of all, my Gemmy BFF's mom asked me to work on his scrapbook. Now, granted, I had helped him with it a bit over the summer, but really being asked to help now, when he's away from home, meant she had to sit down with me and sort through the pictures, which of course, meant she talked alot about his past...
wowzers, is all I can say. And it means she trusts me to do a good job with the scrapping, as she mentioned how awesome I was at putting together pages. The first time during the visit I worked on his scrapbook, it was at her urging, and the second time, I asked if she needed more help with ANY of the scrapbooks, and she was like "why don't you work on the one you were working on before?"... She talked constantly, and loudly within my hearing ditance, about him during our visit. No,w you must take into consideration that his mom is a Leo Sun/Capricorn Moon, and I always get the vibe that nothing she does or says is unintentional.

Second, while I was there, on the New Moon (10th), Tony called home, and asked to speak to me. It took me so off guard, I didn't say near as much as I wanted to and it was a little awkward, but it was so amazing to hear his voice and know he wanted to speak to me. I figure there must be some reason his call came on the New Moon, perhaps "new beginnings"...or maybe I'm over reading this.
Anyhow, wanted to share my news

------------------
-K
"Most people love with restraint
As if they were someday to hate
We hated gently, carefully
As if we were someday to love"-Venus Trines at Midnight

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