posted March 10, 2005 04:13 PM         

i have a huge favor to ask of you guys, i really some need some advice regarding my current situation...with gordon, the adorable agoraphobe.

here's my previous post on him:
http://www.linda-goodman.com/ubb/Forum10/HTML/001427.html

i have heard from him recently, and this is what he said:

"hi chrissy,

i'm sorry for not calling or writing. i did get over the flu, but i have had a lot of other things going on that i don't really feel like talking about. i'm sorry for being anti-social (or better put, unsocial, since i haven't bombed anything yet) and i know it hurts your feelings because you're acutely sensitive and you have a lot going on, too; but i am overwhelmed and consequently i have withdrawn to my natural comfort zone: seclusion. it's probably unhealthy, and it's obvious no one is happy about it, but i've decided to be honest. this has less to do with you (well nothing to do with you, actually) than it does my ability to maintain normal social contact (while feeling good about it at the same time). you have been extraordinarily nice to me and i recognize that, while i have historically been less than kind, which makes me feel tremendously guilty, and then, bizarrely, those feelings of guilt cause me to resent you, and i don't want to feel that way.

it's dumb, i know. i can't really explain it and i don't know what to do about it. i don't feel like discussing it, though. i'm sorry i can't be a better friend right now.

take care of yourself,

gordon"

this is what i said back:

"first off i kind of want to apologize for sending this letter, because i know it's sort of an infringement upon your space and i want you to know i don't mean it that way. i respect your privacy and your needs & wishes, but i forgot to say a few things yesterday that i wish i had, so i hope you don't mind.

you are one of my dearest friends. i understand perhaps more than most some of the things you've been through and are going through, and while i know this may sound trite, i mean it. i'm your friend no matter what, your friendship matters to me that much. i know it may sound strange to say but i think you need to hear it from me because perhaps i've never expressed this to you, but i don't want anything from you (that you don't want to give). i don't have any expectations of you, just a desire to continue knowing you. i seriously value the friendship we have shared, and hope that in the future we maintain this friendship. i just wanted you to know i'm not one of those energy vampires and i never want to be, especially with you. you're great, and i hope you work things out for yourself and feel better soon.

i wanted to say these things to you because i'm not sure anyone else has. i'm not sure if your other friends understand, or have been any kind of sympathetic or understanding. it's easy to be mired in selfishness, i know. it's easy to forget the needs of others and not respect them, truly respect them for all that they are. i have no desire to be like that, my friendships are too important to me, and one of the things that is important to me in a friendship is respecting another's individuality and freedom. totally, without reservation or selfishness or complexities or pride. i truly mean that."

i really just wanted to share this with you all because i do feel like i need a little support. writing that letter just now took a lot out of me, and i feel drained. did i say the right thing? i meant every word.

this is his info:

Sun Virgo 29°
Moon Gemini 12°
Mercury Virgo 22°
Venus Scorpio 12°
Mars Scorpio 1°
Jupiter Leo 3°
Saturn Virgo 7°
Uranus Scorpio 13°
Neptune Sag 15°
Pluto Libra 15°
Chiron Taurus 9°
Eros Virgo 22°
Psyche Scorpio 24°

Ascendant Scorpio 14°
2nd House Sagittarius 14°
3rd House Capricorn 16°
Imum Coeli Aquarius 20°
5th House Pisces 23°
6th House Aries 21°
Descendant Taurus14°
8th House Gemini 14°
9th House Cancer 16°
Medium Coeli Leo 20°
11th House Virgo 23°
12th House Libra 21°

Major aspects
Sun Conjunction Mercury 6°43
Sun Sextile Jupiter 3°49
Moon Quincunx Venus 0°32
Moon Square Saturn 4°45
Moon Quincunx Uranus 1°59
Moon Opposition Neptune 3°45
Moon Trine Pluto 3°56
Moon Quincunx Ascendant 2°59
Venus Sextile Saturn 5°17
Venus Conjunction Uranus 1°27
Venus Conjunction Ascendant 2°27
Mars Square Jupiter 1°14
Mars Sextile Saturn 5°21
Uranus Conjunction Ascendant 1°00

thank you, guys. i really mean it, from the bottom of my heart.

posted March 11, 2005 01:33 PM         

thank you so, so, so much. reading your reply to my post this morning warmed my heart.

you are right about virgo men. i love them, they're like a balm to me with my pisces 6th house sun, and this particular fellow in question has his virgo sun less than a degree opposite my sun, so it's a particularly compelling opposition.

the thing is, what with all his scorpio energy (asc, venus, mars, uranus) he's a pretty private guy. very intense underneath it all. venus, mars & uranus are all in his 12th house, too, so he's doubly protective and private. he might just possibly be even more sensitive than i, and i consider myself to be pretty damn sensitive with my pisces sun being a singleton, the only water in my chart (hard to control the energy of a singleton planet).

the thing is, i KNOW, i see all this sensitivity and intensity in him. i see his tendency to hide, i know what he's thinking. somehow, i think it's possible that i see right into his very center. maybe it's just that the past couple years i've felt particularly intuitive or observant, or maybe it's that he constellates that kind of reaction in me. my psyche (asteroid 16) is directly on his moon. at any rate, whatever it is, i see what he's like internally, and i observe and analyze how he's like externally because i am good at that. with his virgo sun in the 11th house and his gemini moon in the 7th house, he is particularly reticent to show all that really intense scorpio energy. it's MESSY. any sort of deep, intense emotions he avoids like the plague. he is uncomfortable with it - at certain times more than others. anyway, i know his letter sounds formal, and he is at times very formal with me. i know it. it's a little hard sometimes to deal with that, when i know how he's feeling on the inside. it's a little hard because i care about him and want to give him everything he wants, anything he needs. i want to tell him it's ok, he's safe with me. i wish i could help him, but i know i can't.

i just...well, i just want to maintain our friendship. i know we've dated, we've been lovers. that stuff is less important to me, though, firstly because friendship just is paramount in my world (venus in aquarius, uranus on my asc) and secondly because with gordon, i know these things will just take time, and i think things could get romantic again assuming he's not going to wallow in depression and anxiety for the rest of his life, to the point where he never leaves the house again. we've had so much fun together, and i just cant fathom not having him in my life in some way. i hope, i hope he feels the same way. i mean, before when we were dating and whatnot he used to say all the time how important our relationship was to him. i just hope his feelings dont fluctuate on that matter. i dont think he's like that, but since to some degree i may not have the best perspective since i am close to him, i dont know if i just *want* him to be solid and reliable.

anyway, thank you. thank you, thank you, thank you. your words do mean a lot to me.

posted March 11, 2005 02:12 PM         

Your sensitivity came across well and it is very obvious that you consider him important in your life-he will appreciate that...(loyalty being so important to us Scorp-types).

Continue to be a ray of sunshine and love in his life...no need to apologize for your giving nature...Gordon is taking the time to resurrect himself and needs this time to do so. Your letter was very kind and considerate and I know he probably felt like he was given a huge warm hug...good work Chrissy!

In the meantime, continue to send him your good thoughts and positive vibes...time will take care of everything...Much Peace to you and your loved man Gordon!!

posted March 11, 2005 09:10 PM         

Gordon is very similar to my G! And interestingly, although I haven't written about it... my G has also been going through a lot of crap too and claims he's having a "mid-life crisis" (he just turned 30! i try not to giggle when he says that)... and your situation is quite similar because he cut off from me for about a month too and it was the worst thing in the world! And honestly, if it weren't for me, and my persistance and petulant demands for him to talk to me... We would never be back where we are now.

My G is also a Scorpio rising with Uranus exactly conjunct his Asc... with a Pisces sun and Virgo moon... Gordon is a Virgo sun, no?

From my experience with G, who behaves like a textbook Scorp rising... well, livng through it of course gives greater insight into the placement... and I think when they go through difficulties, they retreat completely. Especially with those Virgo sun/moon placements. And I don't think they mean to hurt us by that. I think there's an element of complete subjectivity and the behaviour is almost involuntary...

You said your G did not get a certain job he wanted, well... my G was getting dicked around a lot at work too and it was stressing him out because his job is his life. And I think he was also confused about a lot of things with me. And my G does not deal well with confrontation with women either, in personal relationships. This has got a lot to do with his overbearing Aqua mother and his Aries sister... and he just pulled all the way back when I unceremoniously "dumped" him. I still think I was completely justified. I just didn't expect him to quit talking to me for a month! I thought it would just push his buttons a bit and get him to open up... ooooooooooh boy, was I wrong, lol. I had no idea how to handle that Scorp rising/Virgo moon... none at all. And not saying that you are as clueless as I am (lol... the Piscean sun sensitivity I'm sure does you well, heheh), but I am seeing a lot of the same behavioural patterns here with Gordon.

Personally, I think your letter was fantastic. It's the perfect letter for an Aquarian hahaha... which I'm sure will tickle him pink with his Uranus rising. I would absolutely melt if someone wrote me a letter like that, they would have me won over for life, haha... I'd be like "ooooh they want to be my friend! they really love me and don't expect anything from me! they love me just because! and want to be my friend!"... hahaha. I laugh, but I'm serious!

I think your letter is wonderful and I think Gordon is dealing with a lot of his own demons and he loves and appreciates you... he's just so swept up right now and he can't communicate as he would like. He would love to return your sweetness and generosity in kind, but he can't, he's conflicted and that where the resentment comes from. The other thing is that until he feels better... I don't think he can be much of a friend or lover... he needs time to get through this and even if you aren't actively helping him, just knowing that your unconditional love and friendship is there if he needs it will be a tremendous help I'm sure.

Someone else said it too, but us fixed signs value loyalty from our loved ones almost above all else, he's very Scorpion influenced... your love and loyalty is not going unnoted, trust me

posted March 21, 2005 03:50 PM         

oh my goodness, thank you so much. you said pretty much exactly what i wanted to hear. it's true, i think your g and my g share a lot in common...it's a little scary!

i did hear from him, btw, after i wrote that letter. he briefly said, "hey c, thank you. it was nice to hear. my address is blah blah blah, of course i would love to get a package from you."

(i had asked if it would be ok if i sent him some things, and asked if i could get his zip code because i only remembered his street address. i included a collage i made for him for his birthday last year which i did not get to give him because he wouldn't let me send a package to germany when he was there because i made the mistake of telling him in an e-mail that i was shocked at how much they wanted to ship the package that i had made for him - like $20 - typical virgo, right? i also found a rock for him in big bend, a piece of petrified wood that is just gorgeous, and it reminds me of him. it's actually pretty heavy, which is why that package i was going to send to germany was going to cost so darn much. i also found a british edition of john barth's 'lost in the funhouse' which i just know he'll love. lastly, i included a bunch of music i copied for him: joanna newsom, jolie holland, the postal service. i just know he'll love it all. he always comments on my great taste in music - he says i have an almost encyclopedic knowledge base where music is concerned. i really don't, but i always felt really good when he'd say that.)

anyways, this is all well & good, and i've come to terms with it all and i feel pretty decent about everything. when i got into work this morning, though, i didnt have a happy birthday note from him (my birthday was saturday) and this disappointed me a little. i guess i can't complain, though. i dont think he's lying, and i feel pretty good that he trusted me enough to open up and admit some of what he's feeling right now.

i just miss him so much. i really think he's just the best friend i've ever had (well, besides this one girlfriend i have from college who interestingly enough has a chart much like gordon's - both have virgo sun/merc, scorp asc, venus in the 12th house) and i miss his friendship. i know he needs time but sometimes my 5th house venus in aquarius wants action! you know? im relaxed enough that i can accept it all, but sheesh, i just want my friend back. i dont know if he's pushing me away for good...i mean, i know in my head that he's not, but in my heart where things are more subjective my fears and anxieties are rampantly running amock (that was fun to say). it's my biggest fear. that he doesnt want me as a friend anymore, that he never valued our friendship to begin with, and with his darn inscrutable scorpio asc/venus/mars i don't know what to think 'cause he ain't giving me anything!

anyways, i dont really feel all that negatively about it. just feels good to vent a bit.

i did notice that in his progressed chart his venus is in scorpio, firmly entrenched in the 12th house, and it's retrograde. that can't be good.

anyways...no worries, really. i'm feeling pretty good today. i sent the package off and he should have it soon. i really can't wait for him to hear some of that music.

and kathleen, thank you so much. you're a doll.

sincerely,
c