posted April 02, 2005 04:21 AM         

Right now, I think this whole relationship is hilarious if not really dumb on my part. I stopped posting because I felt it would be best if I had just let things flow. Only to see what would happen first. If anything really serious happened I would report back. After I stopped posting around December things became much more hard, awkward, nerve-wracking, and really obnoxiously intense. My nerves really got the best of me. For awhile, I continued to see him after school because at the time not only did I desire it, but I really thought it would be best for my grades. This is the funny part: there were only a few times I recall that we were touching each other. Nothing very serious, nothing to report, but it still felt like something was up. The vibe was there. It might sound very lame to some, but there was this really awkward moment where I was clearly upset with him, and to try to make me feel better he was teaching me while at the same time rubbing his foot up against mine. I don't know what the heck he really meant, but nothing happened because I was so upset I decided not to come by after school for a very long time. I wasn't upset about him touching me, I really liked that part, but I was upset that he told me it was no longer appropriate (no doubt, at the same time!) for me to keep coming by after school.

While all this was going on, my grades took a complete and utter nose dive. For so many weeks I failed every test and quiz we had. You can laugh it up I know it's all a very pathetic scene. However, it didn't stop me from trying to pursue him a little bit more. Just to note, I would never ever report him to the administration, we're consensual, and that would just be wrong and stupider on my part. I try to erase the idea that he's my teacher and besides I'm eighteen. At the time, my ultimate plan was to see him after graduation, but this plan was going to be axed very soon. On my blank quizes, instead of the answers I would write little notes instead.

posted April 02, 2005 04:24 AM         

I asked her about my love interest, and then she had a mouthful to say. She also happened to be a Gemini. Anyway, she told me right away that she did not like him. Her first impression of him was that he was very shallow and somewhat callous. She described him as an immature jock who just likes to be around the girls. However, she didn't pick up on the fact that he was older, and my math teacher. I didn't have the heart to tell her, I didn't want to scare her, she was already picking up on the intensity. She mentioned that this relationship would be better suited down the line, in years to come. She felt that he needed to mature a little bit more. Yet at the same time, she warned me big time about him. She felt that if I kept pushing for a relationship it would be the type of relationship where I would only be there when he wants me. To give me credit, she felt that I would eventually pick up on this and leave him. She felt I could easily be taken advantage of, and then be cast aside, but she told me I would be putting an end to that. I would no longer be naive. The cards indicated this as well. She felt like it was a mis-match.

She indicated that I wasn't the only girl he was doing this to. I was with a pool of girls, and this was true because many girls like him. He knows that, and I was just one of them. I asked her how he felt about me, and she told me he wasn't as interested in me as I was of him. She kept saying he was shallow. She also mentioned that he was very unstable and no good for me. I was better off going to college, and meeting new people and having a fresh beginning. She told me that these kinds of things happen, and it was only a crush.

She told me so many things, but I can't say it all. She also told me that after high school I would see him again. She told me I could always go back and see him. She said the best thing to do was to be myself. She really tore him apart, she made him sound horrible, and then the next day I realized he was.

posted April 02, 2005 04:26 AM         

I was being completely pathetic and then I gained some strength. I wanted to take back my dignity, and the only way I could do that was to no longer rely on him for help. That meant I was simply going to study the material all by myself. I wanted to avoid and ignore him as much as possible. Paying attention to him in class wasn't ever working so I decided that I would relax and read a book while he taught. I never asked questions in class except if I can go to the bathroom, and is this all in the book. I completely stopped coming after school, I will never step foot in that class after school ever again, unless it is completely essential of course.

The truth is, I just wanted to avoid him, and get this year over with as much as possible. I guess you can say I was giving him the cold shoulder. To me it was all for the best. He seemed hurt and dismayed, but I just didn't care. Somehow, my grades were increasing as I studied on my own. Then eventually, the pent up energy popped the screw open.

posted April 02, 2005 04:27 AM         

Then, I had to have a conversation with the Vice-Principle who takes care of trouble. He told me he was shocked that I was in his office since he had known me, and that I have never been in any trouble before. He asked me if I had apologized to my math teacher, and I said no. He understood, and told me it would best if I did because my math teacher spoke up on my behalf. You see, he had a short conversation with my math teacher, and told him how shocked he was that I had said such a thing. My math teacher responded, "yeah, I know!" Then the vice-principle said, "Well it's a shame I'm going to have to suspend her." He said, "Nooo! I don't want her suspended." All this was being said back to me by my vice-principle, who was on the brink of suspending me for the reason of disrespecting a staff member in public display. I didn't get suspended because that was against my math teachers wishes. Instead, I had to serve a two hour session after school. It was pretty pathetic, I did my time and that was the end of that.

I have not apologized to him because I feel that I have been much more hurt than he has. I don't care if he saved my butt from suspension, I still got in trouble and really embarrased. In class, my situation with him has been going better, right now I'm acting more friendly towards him, because I don't want to get in serious trouble. I never speak to him outside of class though, and when I see him I walk right by. I think he is sad because we were very close, and now it's very cold. I think he feels like I've pushed him away, and I have in order to protect myself. Even though he is still acting very friendly and kind, and even though I feel like he still likes me I don't want to be around him anymore. I think it is for the best, and this will have to continue for the next two months.

Maybe things will change, I don't know, but it's spring and very cold in the classroom. I'm still hurt, and I don't want to be in a worse off position than I already am. If anything changes between us, it won't be for many years to come. I just don't know what this is really about anymore! I'm afraid he'll sabotage me or something.

Oh it ain't over, I have two full months left.

-StarLover

posted April 02, 2005 04:30 AM         

I'm gonna go have a smoke, then snuggle in for a story before bed.

posted April 02, 2005 04:39 AM         

You seem to be self-pitying, that first of all, because your teacher doesnt like you the way you want (in the wrong way), then he is villanous. Isn't it good that he doesn't like you that way? This is not a relationship to be developed, it is unhealthy in its power base besides many other factors. In the beginning I had always defended you because your very own words were that this is only a crush and you didn't want to pursue it. Things don't change overnight with an 18th birthday, huge age differences are about differences in maturity, besides the legality factor.

In your mind you have started calling him names because you have overpondered the situation into believing the words of the tarot reader, Im not saying shes false, but you have drunk it all up because of the lack of level of interest you wanted. Basically you heard what sort of you had been figuring out, liked it, and assimilated it into your reality. His actions in the meanwhile had nothing to suggest that he is as a-s-s-h-o-l-e, like you wrote. Did he yell at you? Did he make a move on you? You provide no structured details.

How was he rubbing his foot? That sounds wrong, if he was that is VERY WRONG, and I think he is playing with your emotions.

However, if he wasn't then who's to say how his emotions are or what his motivations are? Some people are naturally figet types, or maybe he does that to everyone, making the gesture meaningless. You mentioned yourself that you didn't feel it was of the intimate nature.

Also, sorry to say but your outburst in class sounds super rude. If someone said that to me and I were a professor I would also throw a fit. Without any reason, except maybe an irritating or probing question, its really just inappropriately rude to cuss someone out. I felt it was out of character for a sensitive Pisces like yourself.

Maybe you dreamed up something, and when it didn't come true, now you are dreaming up something else? Not to sound mean, but thats what I am reading between the lines of what you wrote.

All I am saying is that this is so far a one sided story, based mainly on conjecture, emotions, etc.

posted April 02, 2005 04:44 AM         

Do you expect a 28 year old professor to confess his undying love to you on one knee and elope? What is it that you are expecting here?

I think you have some unrealistic expectations of the relationship, it has grown beyond the boundaries you set for yourself in your original posts, which admitted that you weren't going to 'make a move' of any sort and it was just a schoolgirl crush.

It is very very probable that this grown man has not even EVER thought of this relationship as you have. Maybe he is nice to the girls because he is one of those men that favors girls in class. I have had tons of professors like that, it has nothing whatsoever to do with dirty play. Maybe for him this only holds the meaning its supposed to.

He saved you from suspension, I know you are bitter but you should really be thankful at this point. That could have ruined your entire career.

As for Italy, yes he probably did forget, because like I said he probably thinks of this relationship as what it is not the idealism/fantasy that you had associated with it. Also, he would probably only remember things he has a deep interest in, for example you mention sports, if hes not interested in Italy why would he remember it?

I find that many of my professors even ones that like me lots, dont remember things I tell them because they have more than 100 students or so at a time each semester. They're only human.

posted April 02, 2005 05:00 AM         

I dont think he hurt your feelings or toyed with them, I think the sky-high unrealistic dreams, your own creations, hurt your own feelings. And this isn't a personal attack, it is something I am prone to as well and its soooo difficult for me to face. I am a Scorp moon, I make a mountain out of a molehill, I have Venus opposing pluto too, which is horrible because it makes me want things I cant have, makes me want to make unhealthy relationships last and people who aren't good for me are my ultimate desires,

but this is unhealthy and I end up hurting my own feelings. no one can do that to you if you stop doing it to yourself,

posted April 02, 2005 05:07 AM         

I didn't "spit on" your story,

I am not being unsupportive, but in my eyes trying to ground things back to reality,

I don't think you're an "idiot",

and I understand that I'm not in your situation.

My words are not charged with some sort of pessimism, they are just the way I chose to try to separate the reality of the scenario from your emotions at this point.

I feel no need to defend myself from your post, if you feel hurt, there is miscommunication going on; I can only urge you to understand the spirit of my message and not the emotions you picked up from it, because there were really near none, it was supposed to be a rational one.

I am advising you to simply try to become a little emotionally grounded and detached because I think it would be healthy for you,

I try to do things in fairness and justice, not whimsically. I am not against you, the last thread I defended you against key and some other posts, it CLEARLY shows I am simply expressing my opinion!

Your next move? Only you could tell what it should be, ask yourself what your weakness is, from your words I told you about the emotions vs reality situation, that is my advice, to separate these two and focus your emotions on something positive like your future career at college, or hopefully a different healthier relationship when you get there, or your wonderful trip to Italy, instead of pondering about this negative incident.

No need to attack, although I knew it would happen, and will continue to.

posted April 02, 2005 05:09 AM         

out of curiosity, what do you think that is?

The flirtatious school teacher who took advantage of you, I mean, explain?

posted April 02, 2005 05:16 AM         

I really don't have to hear it from you about being grounded and such. I know this already, at this point it's in the action not the words. I can't respond, I'm so tired right now, and a little kooky. I'm going off to bed.

posted April 02, 2005 05:17 AM         

but to really heal and move on, you must learn from the entire incident, blaming him entirely won't let you learn, you have to blame some on him, some on the situation, and also on yourself and what you did wrong, self reflection is great,

not to get you down but to get you to keep from getting in a similar relationship in the future, for example only if you let people hurt you will you get hurt, if you learn that about yourself you wont let it happen,

that is the point of my inquiry, to gain reality, to learn from it

not to initiate some conflict here

i hope you get what im saying?

posted April 02, 2005 05:22 AM         

However, this isn't just me, but it's also him, and unfortunately he's not going to ever explain himself on this board. I have to do all the thinking and learning on my own. I'm the student aren't I?

I feel like, this wasn't just me, it couldn't be. However, my fantasies did get in the way, but at the same time I did wake up before it was too late. I'm not making him into a villain, he's just regular joe schmoe, and I know this is a lesson.

It's just a hard lesson.

posted April 02, 2005 05:25 AM         

I have to admit, the feelings are still there, and they're being pounded on. I really wish I knew the truth, the complete truth, and nothing but the truth. Even if it hurts.

Can someone please tell me the truth?

posted April 02, 2005 11:29 AM         

quote:

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I really wish I knew the truth, the complete truth, and nothing but the truth. Even if it hurts.

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