posted April 22, 2005 12:47 AM         

and I've been drinking, pardon me

firstly, I hate my relationship. I cannot stand hanging out with the fella I'm bound to. he is suffocating me and has no faith in anything.

I cannot leave this, I cannot afford (financially) to be on my own, to raise the two children that we have together. feel stuck.

And now, like a goon.. I have a fricking crush on a kid who I know from town. he's younger than I. I'm 26.. he's 22..

regardles of my pursuit, as I don't know what would come of my relationship with this fella.. If I were single, that is.. I am faithful now.. bound to that which I don't want.

I am so stuck.
I hate this.
I hate being where i am relationship-wise.

And I dont even know why i'm posting this.
Perhaps I just have to get it off my chest. I hold so much in it seems.

posted April 22, 2005 01:01 AM         

I have posted personal stuff this week too....
So you are in company.
If you'd like to work through it here, I'd love to help.

Have a drink for me!

I have crushes too.. some I should feel guilty about, as I know they could lead somewhere if only I said the word... so I know what you mean. But my man usually tries to make me happy. I just don't always receive that happiness.

posted April 22, 2005 07:42 AM         

I wish my guy did make me happy most of the time. I wish I had the strength to leave him. Before I had the girls, I wouldn't have "stuck it out" for this long. I guess I've become vulnerable. I worry that I wouldn't be able to give them the life they deserve, if I had to go it alone.

This younger fella doesn't really affect the real issue here. I could never see him again and still be miserable where I am now.

I have given up on trying to make this work a long time ago. And have secretly wished for my BF to find someone else and dump me. Then I'd be off the hook. Without guilt.

Anyhoo... I don't know that there are any answers, that there is a solution. I am glad I have the opportunity to vent thought. Thanks

posted April 22, 2005 10:28 AM         

(big hug)...I feel for you. I too am stuck...he knows it is over...he refuses to get help...and we have children.

I met a wonderful young man years ago (I was 26 and he was 19) I did not have an affair but just being around him for a few months gave me the strenth to carry on and find myself again....
Don't give up and remember talking to someone is nothing to be ashamed of. I am glad that you felt that you could bring this here.

posted April 22, 2005 11:13 AM         

quote:

---

This younger fella doesn't really affect the real issue here. I could never see him again and still be miserable where I am now.

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posted April 22, 2005 01:54 PM         

quote:

---

I worry that I wouldn't be able to give them the life they deserve, if I had to go it alone.

---

posted April 23, 2005 09:10 AM         

When I was 21, I had just divorced from marriage and for the first time in years felt like an independant person. Reading, dreaming, planning for the future. I was to become a great teacher, as soon as I learned all I had to know. I was to be a great healer, as my empathy towards my fellow human was great. I could (and still can) see the light within all of us.

I decided then that this life path would require me to have no romanctic life. In becomming a girlfriend, I would surely be snuffed out by my partner. I shine brighter when I am independent. And I fear being controlled.

Perhaps it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. I do feel as if my current relationship, along with any other relationship I've had with a man, prevents me from following my path. I become less spiritual, more self critical.

I have thrown myself into a new project. One that will help me pursue the studies of universal truths. In my planning, I am finding healing.

I know that the mister wishes me well, but I cannot allow his pessimism to taint this project, or my attitude toward it. So the wall between us gets taller. I know what I want, and if becomming a private person in my relationship will help me achieve, so be it.

The kids are doing alright. My 3 year old is well rounded, and has alot of people (besides me and her dad) who love her and want to hang out. My 7 month is a happy girl also. Usually. She's teething, ya know.

I don't think that the mister lacks love for either of his children. But his impatience with fussy babies turns my stomach. He is not agressive, don't get the wrong idea, he just gets.. well.. pissy. very easily.

I will continue to live in this union. day by day. Perhaps it will end sometime. Perhaps I will become an affectionate, nurturing girlfriend and the mister will find his happiness within.

For now, I'll just keep busy.

posted May 10, 2005 08:40 AM         

I already have one part time job. It's been 4 years since I've worked, and man does it feel great to earn my own cash! I just interviewed another job, and by the end of this month I will be bringing in a decent paycheck.

Then what? I'll have to keep an eye on my income, and see what I can realistically do. But whether I move out or keep this apartment, I will separate myself from this union by summer.

Please send me light, that I can hold my strength and use wisdom in my actions.

Be well

posted May 11, 2005 07:56 AM         

I will surely send you light Pix, it will only grow stronger if we share it.

Be well and be strong.