posted May 23, 2005 07:33 AM         

I'm in a 2 year relationship with a great guy, who really worships at my feet, practically. He believes I am the one, loves me crazy. Beautiful, intelligent, loving, I really can't complain.

But what breaks my heart every day is I somehow know he is not the one. I've tried. But I am always troubled and anxious when he talks of the future. Two years, and my soul is slowly not able to take it much longer. All day I think about the inevitable break up. I stick around, though, out of fear and weakness. I mainly fear his condition, if I were to break it off, as I have been the one to help him get his life back on track after his alcohol addiction and difficult emotional childhood traumas.

How does one approach this? Go to a person you've claimed to love, who believes everything is fine, and suddenly say goodbye?

I am torn. At some stage I feel like, well I made the committment, now I just gotta stick it out. But I'm not happy. I can't imagine things getting better with marriage or further committment.

But betraying him like this kills me.

My heart is breaking every day, and if his breaks, I don't know if I could live with myself.

posted May 23, 2005 08:00 AM         

rid yourself of self doubt.
You cant be too bad, after all someone loves you.
Let him know that there is someone for him too, always, and possibly tell him that you dont feel like hes the one for you, forever.
You may like to stay friends you may like to stay together but the important thing is that you both realise youre beautiful.
Let him know hes great, lest he be tempted to believe otherwise.

posted May 23, 2005 09:03 AM         

I would think the best way to go about it would be to sit down and tell him that while you love him, you've been thinking about the future and don't feel you're right for each other. You may think of specific examples of areas where you each may be better suited for someone else.

This isn't much help, but I think you already know what you've got to do. It's just a matter of doing it.

posted May 23, 2005 01:39 PM         

There it was staring back at me " a stable lie." Funny how the slips happen at the right time.....

I know this all too well. I have a taurus moon that really needs the security, but at what cost? I know I am not the right girl for him, but we do get along quite well on a daily basis. every time I try to break it off, I get lonely and we just have so much fun together. He is head over heels for me (one day he'll snap outta that!) I just hope he finds his one so that he can move on.

posted May 23, 2005 04:09 PM         

My feelings are that I love him, I'm not in love anymore. I haven't been for a few years. I see us as partners in crime. We have a lot of fun, but the depths consist of painful memories. He is my best friend. i have a hard time calling him by boyfriend, but how else do you describe it? We live together like an old couple, but not passionate like it used to be. The passion part makes me very uncomfortable--not the affection, but the passion.

posted May 23, 2005 09:16 PM         

Whilst I'm glad to know that some of you are in the same situation, I'm still NOT glad to know you are/were in them. It's such a confusing time, a time where you seem to question the very fibre and core of your being, as a result of loving a person like this.

I keep hearing phrases in my head - "love shouldn't hurt". It's crazy when the man you're with does nothing whatsoever to hurt you, and you're still hurting. It makes me turn back into myself and re-assess whether I'm seriously mental or something.

We don't lack passion, committment, fun, or love in its essence here, but the 'in love' part - on my behalf at least, it's not quite there. I keep honestly questioning, for the first time in my life, whether there is something wrong with me. I can't imagine my life without him, I don't want anyone else, and yet...I'm not quite right about it.

Future_Uncertain, he knows this intuitively, and we've spoken of it, and he has always been so brave, but we can't let go of each other. It's crazy, it's irrational, and unhealthy. And I blame myself, for being unable to set us both free.

Sue G - I commend your strength, and you know already it's responsible for the happiness you feel today. It's so good to hear you found your 'boy', that kinda stuff is mighty hopeful. You're blessed.

ZOSO - the way you described your relationship in your last post, is so similar to what I'm feeling, honestly. Thank you for sharing.

Guys, I have a decision to make, but I have never ended a loving relationship before, and I am scared and confused. I am wondering if my petty fears will destroy a relationship that I may later realize WAS actually the one for me.

posted May 23, 2005 10:48 PM         

Some questions to ask yourself-- if there was a way to make it work, would you take it? Or are you done? Do you look forward to meeting someone new with anticipation? Do you feel you just want to be alone?

I really hope that everything works out for both of you. If you're unsure about whether or not you want to spend the rest of your live without him, then I would proceed with caution, don't burn your bridges, but be honest. Spend some time with you.

(If you've read any of my other posts, then you know I'm being a huge hypocrite right now. Some things are easier said than done.)

Zoso, I don't know how old you guys are, but if you're in your 20's, then maybe you both have been growing a lot in the last few years and it's time to take a step back and reevaluate. If you're both older than that and have had ample time to experience other relationships and you know what it is you're looking for, then you may be right about being time to move on.

I had to rewrite this post because both of your stories are so similar that I mixed up a few of the details. If anything I've written doesn't apply to you, then that's why!

Also, this seems to be such a common theme here lately. I believe sue g started a thread on this already. It always seems to be the women who feel unfulfilled and the guys seem to really love them. I'm in the same situation.

I wonder if there isn't a universal problem here with an equally (although not easy) universal answer at the core...

posted May 24, 2005 12:09 AM         

I do think time apart is the best idea. I hope that one day, I get over the betrayal I've caused him, though. I know he deserves someone to fight for him.

But is a total cut off (ie no communication) the best idea? It sends a mixed message, obviously strong feelings are always present, emotional and physical.

But at the same time, it may not be fair to hang around.

I hope I am gifted with the wisdom to see this through.

And I thank all of you for your sympathetic msgs. Indeed there seems to be a lot of this type of scenario out there.

posted May 24, 2005 02:03 AM         

...But I think you did the right thing. There's no good reason to stick around if you know he's not "the one" and you're so miserable.

In time, he will be okay. And you will be okay, too. You may feel guilty for hurting him, but to hurt him was never your intention. You certainly seem to care very much about his feelings and I'm sure he will realize that.

Don't be too hard on yourself. From what you've described, I think this will all be for the best.

posted May 25, 2005 11:53 AM         

Yes, you are right . I have thought about the whole reason, season, lifetime. We are just going through one of those patches- our hours don't help at all. I come home about 7pm and he leaves for work at 7:40pm. We have about 40 minutes during the evening and less time in the morning..but we do have weekends. I think I just pick up on his sadness (if that is the right word) about me being gone for so many hours and the travel I will be taking with this position.

posted May 26, 2005 09:46 PM         

I am so numb. Regrets and doubts and backtracks are in full swing: maybe I should have just 'taken some time apart' before ending it? Honestly, maybe I have over dramatised and maybe the doubts I had were normal. I don't know.

It sort of ended itself last night, neither of us actually even 'said it'. He was trying to be the rational one to talk me through it (Sun Gemini, Moon Aries), but it wasn't long before he was weeping, too. I couldn't put words together, I just felt this black hole in my heart.

I think the lesson here is that if something isn't right from the beginning, don't get into a relationship hoping it might dispel.