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Author Topic:   Porcupine sex and three myths of compatibility
AcousticGod
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Posts: 1103
From: Pleasanton, CA, USA
Registered: May 2005

posted July 19, 2005 01:24 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for AcousticGod     Edit/Delete Message
By Mark Thompson, Ph.D.
Special to Yahoo! Personals

The secret to compatibility is a lot like the old joke: "How do two porcupines make love?" Answer: "Very carefully."

Compatibility is something you have to work at. Like porcupine sex, compatibility has to be negotiated as you go along. You'll have a better chance at negotiating this dance if you let go of three popular myths and misconceptions about compatibility.

Myth #1: Similar people are more compatible
There is no evidence that very similar couples are more likely to have lasting, loving relationships, with one exception. If you have very traditional ideas about marriage, family, and gender roles, research suggests you'll probably be more satisfied with a partner who shares these beliefs. Otherwise, chances are, you can be happy with someone who's similar in some ways and opposite in others.

Often, these differences spark a lot of passion. Plus, you avoid the boredom of being with someone who already knows how you think and feel about everything. As Jerry Seinfeld once said: "I can't be with someone like me…I hate myself!"

Myth #2: Compatible couples enjoy each other's company and don't fight
All couples have fights. They typically fight about the same things too: money, kids, and sex. Contrary to what most self-help books will tell you, many very happy couples fight all the time. My aunt and uncle bicker constantly, but they certainly stay involved in each other's lives. Plus, if you look closely, you'll notice how they wink at, tease, and occasionally kiss at the same time they're fighting.

All couples go through periods of feeling bored with each other too. My friends and I joke that you can always tell the couples in a restaurant who are dating and the couples who are married, because the married ones aren't talking. Again, it goes against popular wisdom, but many very happy couples don't have a lot in common or much to talk about. Compatibility is about your ability to re-connect with each other, over and over again.

Myth #3: You can tell within the first few dates if your date is compatible
Although I'm a big believer in natural "chemistry," I've seen too many couples either give up too quickly or rush into a relationship, solely based on first impressions. Unfortunately, a lot of important information remains hidden for the first 5 or 6 dates. Frankly, everyone is on their best behavior on these first dates (or at least until you've had sex).

This brings us back to those sexy porcupines. They look sweet and even cuddly until threatened, and then the quills spike up. For most of us, our personality and communication style work the same way. It's only when we are threatened (because we feel hurt, angry, or afraid) that our instinctual way of responding pops out. Like those porcupines, we often start jabbing and hurting each other or simply run away.

Making love very carefully
Compatibility is about what the two of you do in those prickly situations. It's your ability to create a good "fit," even when your connection doesn't come naturally. That's why I encourage people to focus less on looks and common interests and more on a potential partner's "relationship skills" or "emotional intelligence."
If you're going to end up fighting, you might as well find someone who knows how to fight fair. If you know you're eventually going to get bored with your partner, you should probably find someone who likes to try new things and wants to grow and change with you.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mark Thompson, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, statistician, and widely published researcher in social relationships and public health. He is CEO of weAttract.com. He has never seen a porcupine, but hopes to someday. http://personals.yahoo.com/us/static/relationships_compatibility

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running_bull
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Posts: 225
From: the desert, usa
Registered: Nov 2004

posted July 19, 2005 03:02 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for running_bull     Edit/Delete Message
Thanks AG, nice article.
Agreed, no one ever said relationships would be easy.
Maybe it would help if (particularly girls) didn't grow up with the stories "two strangrs meet, have everything in common, no issues, get married, and live happily ever after. It's hard to break from wanting the fairy tale and I'm a realist, lol.

------------------
"Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish."

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GemStar
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Posts: 526
From: USA
Registered: Jul 2004

posted July 19, 2005 07:25 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for GemStar     Edit/Delete Message
Interesting read AG....I do not agree entirely with this article however.

If you get along with your spouse, and it is a healthy and good relationship, fighting is really minimal...who wants to be in a relationship with bickering??? No thanks. That is not what Love is about and certainly does not point to a happy relationship/marriage in my book.

The idea is that you LIKE and LOVE your partner...ENJOY talking and sharing....not sitting in a restaurant with nothing to say to one another....that is not exciting...nor does this point to happiness either!!
It is called EXISTING...

So I would seriously ask the BIGGER question....How does One 'define' a happy marriage? Some people consider the fact that the other person doesn't throw them out as a 'happy' union...honestly. Just because two people have been together for x-period of time...maybe they are co-dependent, dysfunctional, do things separately, do not communicate in a respectful manner....does not qualify as a 'happy' marriage (even if those people tell you so).

A closer look at his sources for comparison and a clear path of honesty (vs illusions)from these folks would most likely give a different picture to his findings.

If you think bickering and arguing, not talking to one another and just existing in your life is a happy union, than this article will make you feel like you are doing a 'happy marriage' right. Maybe he is just really qualifying his own marriage to fit into a 'stated norm'...wishing/hoping/selling himself...that this is closest you will ever get to a
Happy Ever After.

Bottom line-A great relationship/marriage can be Heaven or Hell on this earth...it is up to you to define which one you choose...and do so wisely. A great one is very easy to maintain....a difficult one will constantly 'try' you...a successful and happy relationship/marriage IS NOT that much hard work when you choose the Right One.

The Inside Secret-
Set your bar HIGH-and keep it there!!

Do not settle.

Too many people out there DO settle and some end up writing a skewed article like this baloney!!

These are MY thoughts and I'm stickin' to them!!


GemStar

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shop22much
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Posts: 108
From: lost in aqua
Registered: Apr 2005

posted July 19, 2005 11:48 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for shop22much     Edit/Delete Message
interesting.

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Azalaksh
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Posts: 972
From: New Brighton, MN, USA
Registered: Nov 2004

posted July 19, 2005 01:27 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Azalaksh     Edit/Delete Message
AG ~

Interesting article. I agree more with Dr. Gemstar than with Dr. Thompson, however.

Btw, I posted a short reply for you over here..... http://www.linda-goodman.com/ubb/Forum1/HTML/006007.html and also there are a couple quotes there that relate to this thread, ie IMO it matters more what two people bring to a relationship, and where they are in maturity, than measuring "compatibility" parameters.....

'Zala

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AcousticGod
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Posts: 1103
From: Pleasanton, CA, USA
Registered: May 2005

posted July 19, 2005 04:33 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for AcousticGod     Edit/Delete Message
Mostly I was posting just to post. There was nothing new going on.

I don't altogether go for GemStar's assessment. I'm not married myself, nor have I ever been. I also don't think what this guy has to say is gospel. I do, however, see that he practices in the field, and perhaps he's a bit less judgemental. After all, he does say:

quote:
That's why I encourage people to focus less on looks and common interests and more on a potential partner's "relationship skills" or "emotional intelligence."

I don't ultimately think he's contradicting GemStar in what he's saying. If you want to sidestep fighting, I'm sure that's perfectly fine. Some people are more prone to be combative, or to seem so.

Can you imagine how he might have come to this conclusion? I imagine it's from meeting with and counseling couples who argue and bicker. When he finds out that both people really do love one another it becomes a matter of communication style, and not a question of how much they love one another or are compatible with one another.

That's my two cents.

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GemStar
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From: USA
Registered: Jul 2004

posted July 19, 2005 07:52 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for GemStar     Edit/Delete Message
I hear you AG and you make a valid assessment of his experience possibly...once again...I feel it really comes down to how a person defines a 'happy' marriage. Even deeper than that, how each person defines Love!

People who do not get along may believe they love the other person...and while the desire to get along amicably may be there, the reality is that they are incompatible with their choice of a mate. That would make for a difficult marriage and life.

Many times counselers work with couples who are trying to force something to work that isn't meant to be. Yet, the two people believe that they love the other-and I have no doubt that they truly do. It is possible that it is the highest level of love that they know...not knowing any different. And there is a big difference in levels of Love...you decide how high you want it to go...and then go for the gold...Heaven can truly be yours here on earth.

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AcousticGod
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From: Pleasanton, CA, USA
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posted July 19, 2005 08:56 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for AcousticGod     Edit/Delete Message
I'd say that's a reasonable assessment as well. In matters of love people can be blind to the reality of the situation.

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Loggerhead
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Posts: 18
From: Alabama
Registered: Jun 2005

posted July 19, 2005 10:30 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Loggerhead     Edit/Delete Message
GemStar and Accoustic God, you both make good points, and so does this Thompson character. People have different communication styles etc. Some people like to tease and bicker the way puppies will chew each others' ears. It's more of an affectionate thing. Sitting silently in a restaurant together - well, it wouldn't be my style, for sure, but some people reach a point of comfort with each other that they don't mind, or even enjoy that they can just be peaceful with each other and not having to pretend to be interesting, stimulating, or what have you. The quality of a silence can speak volumes. Is it a hostile silence, a comfortable silence? and so on.

Having said that, as someone who has been in a marriage for several years with a guy compatible in some ways, and not at all in others, I can't emphasize enough to always consider temperament and personality style very very carefully before making a decision to enter into a marriage. For example, even though there was a certain attraction between my husband and I, I was also very aware of a certain passiveness in him that really put me off. But because everything else seemed right I ascribed my second thoughts to the "jitters" and married him anyway. BIG mistake, or so it seems a lot of the time. Fact is, his Mars and Saturn conjunct are right next to my Ascendant, which might be one reason we irritate each other so much. But we agree on practically all major and minor life issues, including child rearing etc. It is the little day to day annoyances, the way we handle conflict, the things that bother us about each other that can make life exhausting. Trivial stuff, but as the saying goes, God is in the details.

In retrospect I believe that I would be much happier with someone who has a stronger Mars, or at least a fire sign or ascendant fire.

Lovely*, I am not really looking for complete harmony in a relationship, not being an easy-going person myself that would harldy be fair or even realistic. In that sense, the idyllic marital Garden of Eden that is described in your article, Lovely*, seems unrealistic to me, but I do think there should be a certain... romance about the relationship that remains. There should be a level of enchantment that the other person represents. There should always be a sense of affection for the other person even at a time of great disturbance.

One of the reasons I have again become interested in astrology is that I want to figure out where you see this kind of connection in a synastry chart?

Also, I am no longer awestruck by those folks who have been married for fifty years to the same person. The fact is, even though they usually pat themselves on the back that they didn't throw in the towel as quickly as people in our generation do (divorce is quick and easy these days, comparatively), what they call "difficult times" i.e. fighting over money, or how to raise their kids or whatever - that kind of quarreling is in a completely different stratosphere from the kind of revolt you feel when the way the other person stirs his coffee in the morning grinds on your nerves to the point you want to run out of the house screaming. (I'm exaggerating here, just to make a point, but you get the idea..)

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DayDreamer
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Posts: 1131
From:
Registered: Jul 2003

posted July 20, 2005 02:28 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for DayDreamer     Edit/Delete Message
Another....Interesting article

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ariestiger
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Posts: 661
From: UK
Registered: Jan 2004

posted July 20, 2005 12:07 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for ariestiger     Edit/Delete Message
Making love very carefully...

Ooh, that sounds like fun. I could do with a bit of that.

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