posted July 12, 2006 09:58 AM         

First off set the Astrology aside, I beleive in all the aspects in synastrys and stuff like that, but that only goes so far with me. Its time to put yourself first and think of you. NO do not keep the baby away from him or his family no matter what, you do not want the baby to resent you later, let him find out what his dad is about on his own and he can make his own judgements. In due time the baby will be able to. Your guy is not ready for the family thing and whenhe is let his actions show you don't take his word that will save you some hurt and disappointment. I went through this almost exact same thing with my little ones dad. It took me awhile but I got over his shortcomings as to the father I thought he should be and start dealing with things on my own and taking care of me and things turned around and I moved on.

You understand now that he is not ready to step up and be a father devoted partner don't be angry and do not hate him except it for what it is and you step up more and give your end and his and be ok about it and watch how things will turn around. IT might take sometime but you will land on your feet if you do things right. GOD favors mothers don't forget that. Kill the resentment and hate and anger and move on and make things better for you and your son. You will everntually meet a loving man that will treasure you and your son but you have to be peaceful and secure inside to meet that guy. Work on you now..

posted July 12, 2006 01:30 PM         

In a way I disagree with a part of MamaMia’s brilliant post……

I don’t think you should try to interact with your son’s father until you get over the remaining feelings of “love” you hold for this man. You wrote that every time you get together, you get confused and start having dreams/expectations of being the happy little family. I would not make plans for activities with your ex until you are able to interact *without* expectations. You will be raising this child alone, unless you meet another man who loves you and your son.

You yourself wrote that this is an abusive and dishonest relationship. Please ask yourself why you want to spend even one minute with a person who is abusive and dishonest, a man you yourself have said you do not trust and cannot trust to do what he says (making plans to meet, then leaving town without even calling you to cancel them). And would you want your child (in a few years) seeing that this kind of behavior from your ex towards you is accepted by you, thus perpetuating the cycle into the next generation??

Here are things YOU wrote:

“I need some advice on a current relationship.”
What you have is not a “relationship”. This is a relationship:
Dictionary Main Entry: re·la·tion·ship
Function: noun
1 : the state of being related or interrelated <studied the relationship between the variables>
2 : the relation connecting or binding participants in a relationship: as a : KINSHIP b : a specific instance or type of kinship
3 a : a state of affairs existing between those having relations or dealings <had a good relationship with his family> b : a romantic or passionate attachment

“Long story short he's a liar, cheater, and very abusive.”
“Each time I took him back there was always problems.”
“After I had the baby he would hardly come around.”
“He began making alot of excuses as to why he couldn't come.”
“he's on his way out of town. He wasn't even going to call me and tell me. By the way he always does too.”
“I keep thinking about how much of an a-hole he was. How he plays so many games, uses me”

You mentioned that you have been working on your self-esteem and taking care of yourself. Each of those statements above describes behavior that is destroying or will destroy your self-esteem. Why would you want to keep the perpetrator of such behavior in your life?

You need to take care of YOU right now, so that you can raise your son. If you enjoy your ex’s mother, then by all means maintain a friendship with her. But I would not accept your ex back into your life in ANY capacity, even as a casual friend. He has clearly demonstrated how he doesn’t deserve a good person like you.

Do you have a job, and daycare set up?? How will you support yourself and your child adequately for the next 18 or so years?? Go back to school if you have the opportunity.

I am raising my son alone also. We have no contact with his father due to physical abuse issues, and substance abuse issues. Being mother/father 24/7 is the hardest thing I have ever done, but also the most rewarding. You are strong, KayLibra I can tell from the way you write. You need to take the reins now, and move on. You have two things to think about: your child and your Self. Make life-plans that don’t involve your son’s father. Until you can remove him completely from your heart, he is a danger to you emotionally.

Please check back and let us know how things are going.

posted July 12, 2006 01:43 PM         

As long as the baby's father is not physically abusing the baby or her and if he is doing either one then yes disconnect, but if noe then NO you should never deny the father the right to see his child or the child to see his father. We make choices we chose who we want to have babies with. Let the baby decide and see what his dad is really about and believe me having already gone through this I know. My kids see exactly what is happening and they are both old enough now to see that with never a complaint or bad word from me.

The main thing to do now is get yourself together, think of only you not him and you and not the baby him and you just you as far as your well being goes. YOu are going to always provide for the baby, but you cannot be your best at that if you are messed up emotinally.

posted July 12, 2006 03:40 PM         

I am not a single parent so I cannot put myself in yer shoes Kay, but the first thing I felt deeply is that as long as the child isnt in danger, he should be given the right to spend time with his Dad. Could you arrange for yer mother-in-law to mind the child and then Dad gets to see him there. This will give you time away from him and give you breathing space and the opportunity to gain strength..

I know its very difficult, but there is a third person involved who has two parents, and has a right to see both of them....I am trying to be fair, but its a very challenging situation isnt it...

I know yer situation is almost impossible, but i would TRY and think of the child and his rights...

Will pray for you girl

Sending love and luck

Sue xxxx

posted July 12, 2006 06:26 PM         

Oh.. I am so sorry that you are going through this, but being on the outside and being objective, I can see things from a different perspective.

My father cheated on my mother througout their marriage and they finally divorced when I was 12 and my little brother was 8. Of course my mother was hurt and devastated (there were underlining problems and my mother drove my father mad from time to time- but he takes the blame for his infidelities). My mom tried to poison us against our father, screw up visitation times etc...

I started to hate her and see her as a force that was trying to keep me from my dad. My father was strict, but never abusive, he paid child-support and was always on time AND he spent as much time with us as possible (and as much as the court would allow- every other weekend etc).

I know you're hurting and in actuality, it would be better for you to cut all ties with him as far as family outings go. Sue had a wonderful idea - allow him to spend time with your son at his mother's house. You can drop the baby off, have some time to yourself (go shopping etc) and know that your MIL will be taking the best of care of your son. Your ex can visit and you won't have to deal with his crap. Your MIL may also have more pull in telling him to bring diapers etc...

Is he paying child support? Does he make an effort to help out in any way? It seems that he plays games with you... i.e. arranging a time for you all to have a family day, then leaves town. That isn't proper when dealing with the mother of your child or his son. Have you thought about going to court to secure child-support and visitation? There is no reason you need to go out of YOUR way to have him see the child for a couple of hours every day when he can make the effort to see his son either at your house or with his mom.

It is extremely important that you allow you ex- to have access to your son and never use the child as a weapon. You will have a full life ahead of you and in time fall in love with someone deserving of your heart. Part of the pain you feel is related to ego. We ask ourselves "How could I have ever loved someone so rotten and hurtful?" Our pride is damaged, but we dust ourselves off and see the big picture.

You have a beautiful child and you thought you would never get pregnant. That is a blessing - even if it took the heartbreak for it to happen. Going through the hell of that relationship, when you think about it in the future, was worth the heaven of having your son. You will bring him up to be so different from his father, that the cycle won't be repeated. Maybe the father will start to grow up and act in a caring way.

Please remember - not all men are horrible cheats. My Leo has children and his ex-wife tries to use them against him. I see the broken heart in him, especially when the children repeat cruel words heard from mom. I know he's a great father and wonderful man and I'll do everything I can to support him emotionally and I know that he is a packaged deal Kids and all - which makes me happy. In other words, you will eventually find a soul like that - who will care for you in every way and love your child as his own.

posted July 12, 2006 07:20 PM         

I would suggest doing both, letting his mother see your son, and him if it's absolutely necessary and replacing him with a healthy role model for yourself and your son, someone to replace the former boyfriend and someone who is very cheerful for one thing.

There are plenty of female and male friends to choose from and you are denying yourself a true friend for both of you. Do not fall into the habit of isolating yourself thinking you are better for it. Get out more and introduce your son to other people who are better role models.

There is not reason to fret over his visits as long as you are there, but can he visit your son with his mother or your family sometimes so you don't have to be there? Not all the time, but sometimes? Also he may call less and less if you do not get emtionally involved and argue with him.

Don't get emotionally engaged, don't give in or answer his questions, keep it cool and simple. Short and simple and tell him you prefer to interact with his Mother. BTW you will start dating in the future and you want to set boundaries with him through his mother.

Sounds like you could communicate through her and avoid him.

You are not married to him and you are not stuck with his bad moods and personality.

Good luck and stay positive no matter what,

posted July 13, 2006 01:23 AM         

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/188623017X/102-5223904-9632165?v=glance&n=283155
This is an old book with mystical/spiritual undertones. It will be a companion and help you through the pain. You can get it through inter-library loan if you can't buy one.

Look for community Mommy and Me type groups and build a support network. A lot of these places help with things like diapers and baby clothes. Find some Mommy friends to talk to. I think rushing into another relationship is not a good idea. You are going to have to choose carefully or you will put your child in danger.

I wasn't even going to post because there is already plenty of good advice and some of my views are unpopular on this subject. I was compelled to post. Something inside me told me that my silence was part of the problem. I hope there is something here that will help you and your child and I'm sorry I can't be more caring in my delivery. This subject is too close to home for me.
Don't allow your emotion and hormones to cloud your reason.

posted July 13, 2006 06:24 AM         

When I went for counselling some time ago the therapist said to me "you and yer man have to learn to get along for the sake of yer son...you only have one chance, and now do it". It was the best advice I ever received. Our son is now very happy cos he can see we are loving each other and not being selfish.

He says to us everyday "i love you two very much"....

He seems secure and happy....but it could have been oh so different if I hadnt listened and copped on to myself....

posted July 13, 2006 01:46 PM         

Several items:

I LIKE your new attitude!!

You wrote:

quote:

---

I asked him about paying half of the baby's daycare and he got like an attitude and sort of snapped at me like how much?

---

I am 100% with MM, when she writes:

quote:

---

It's true that children should never be separated from a *Father*. There is a world of difference between a Father and a sperm donor.

---

You sound much more chipper today – I’m glad you chose to come and confide in us.

posted July 13, 2006 05:50 PM         

I think you did good by showing your boys that you did the right thing (not “keeping” them from their father) – that it was HIS choice to blow them off, although I wonder if they have abandonment issues, and if they do talk about it how do you handle it?? I’m sure you and your extended family show them plenty of love…..

In my case, I took my baby and escaped – ran for our lives – to a place 2000 miles away to start over again. My boy is 10 now, and has no memory of his father. He makes comments from time to time (that break my heart) about wishing he had a dad to do things with, but my response has been that we have good friends and “aunties” and “uncles” that we do things with instead, even if we don’t have a real dad for him and partner for me……

posted July 13, 2006 05:58 PM         

I am real honest with my boys and have been from day one. And I gave their dad a chance to get it together and not snatch them for their dad. In my case it worked. It does not always turn out that way..Even still though I would have never denied them or him any visits..

posted July 14, 2006 06:36 AM         

And you can mention this to his mother.

Filing for support could trigger him to sue for joint custody and then he gets your son every other weekend or every weekend legally. It's best to avoid that but it's cheaper than paying support, if he proves he is providing care at his home.

he can avoid paying through all sorts of ways, getting his mother to chip in.

Treat him like a tenant that doesn't pay, present him with bills with a time limit on when to pay them. Then consider the next step.

Don't forget to get some uncles and aunties yourself! to bolster your security

posted July 14, 2006 01:50 PM         

You’ve given this jerk multiple last chances. He’s not willing to help out even as much as watching your son while you go for an interview. He’s not willing (or able) to help financially. He leaves you weird voicemails in the middle of the night (drug/alcohol issues?). You are treating him like an adult – but he isn’t able to live up to adult responsibilities or even show plain old consideration. Perhaps it’s time to call it a day with this “man”. I doubt that he will live up to even any of the simple expectations you would hold for the father of your son. If you were a woman who had “trapped” him into fatherhood, my reply would be different, but being a father was HIS idea. Time to disengage.

Take care of yourself, love yourself and your son, and move on….. and please check back here and let us know how things are going.

posted July 14, 2006 07:54 PM         

Okay, can he be a caregiver, or a babysitter? Well, no he can't do that due to outside pressures that you have no control over.

Then he cannot help you with your baby or your own pressures.

At this point you need to take care of yourself first and your work. Find someone else to take care of your baby while you at work, it won't be him for the time being, accept this.

Once you have done that you can re-examine if you want the man as a father figure or friend in your life later.

Survival needs come first, not him.

If he inserts himself into your life, tell him to butt out, don't listen or talk to him until you are stable. He doesn't have rights now but if you sue him for support you will get yourself into a custody battle.

if he doesn't have a steady job they cannot garnish his wages, or take his tax return. I have watched women get jerked around by the promise of a little money and it never happens.

Don't throw perfectly good energy and emotion after a situation when you are needed elsewhere, the money you get from him will involve him in your life.

That's tough but it's true and those people who are telling you it's your right to get him for support have NEVER been in that situation.

A bad influence is better off out of your life trust me.

posted July 14, 2006 08:50 PM         

I am so sorry to hear about what you're going through. Raising a baby is really tough. Would you be able to move back in with your parents with your baby? I know it probably sounds like stretch from what everyone here is saying. It just sounds like there needs to be additional lifestyle changes to make the whole thing work out.