posted July 28, 2006 06:47 AM         

I don’t know what it’s going on with me. I’m turning into an awful person. I don’t care about anyone. Even the ones I love the most, especially those, don’t get away from my caustic and biting tongue. I’m even worse with those who are happy. It feels as if subconsciously I’m trying to punish others for my sh!tty life. I don’t do it on purpose; I just get the venom out, unable to gauge its reach… I have just done it with one of the two people I love the most in this world and I’m afraid it will never be the same; I struck a pillar of our relationship.

I’m out of tune. Completely. I can’t control my bitterness. I used to be a sweet creature, naïve and silent, very sensitive, always considerate of other’s feelings. I used to smile even when I was torn apart because I thought, that wasn’t anybody else’s fault so I wouldn’t pay it on them.

I used to be very diplomatic and twist words just to make others feel alright even at my own expense. I have been apologising for what I feel for too long and I’m sick of it. I have to be considerate with everybody but most of them mistreat me and don’t even care about my feelings. Surely not on purpose, but they still take many things for granted. I have been put away by very important people in my life. I often feel second rate.

It maybe was my fault. Because I tolerated it. Now, I may be just being cruel. I’m hurting others because I just feel so abused. So neglected in the long run. I’m saying destructive things to calm my anger. And then, when people I love react, I only expect a blow, as if I mistrusted their affection, as if I didn’t count on it. With my guard up. Snappy and aggressive. Irrationally scared of being treated harshly. As if I was a beaten dog.

posted July 28, 2006 07:05 AM         

quote:

---

but they still take many things for granted. I have been put away by very important people in my life. I often feel second rate....Am I turning into a monster?

---

No, you are just starting to understand you have your own emotional needs.
Don't let a false sense of guilt interfere. Feel guilty for having neglected your needs for so long.
You are emotionally drained because you seem to have given all your love and affection to others and got nothing in return.
If you dont feel good about someone/something, get rid of them; learn to trust your instincts and inner voice.
Make friends with your Self, give it lots of love and care.

P.S. Going through my 1st Saturn Return too! (natal Saturn is ASC ruler in the 7th)

posted July 28, 2006 10:04 AM         

Don't worry, hon, it's quite alright to look out for yourself, especially when you're going through such a rough time. The bitterness & the anger will pass... don't be so down on yourself. This is a tough time for all of us. I'm going thru my 1st Saturn Return as well, and it's a real doozy. I have been so down for a good part of it, and I have wondered, when and IF I'm ever coming out of this fog, because I didn't know for sure if it would even pass; but it seems to be lifting slowly, or at least, I have caught a glimpse of some better times down the road. That will happen for you too; I know it.

Why don't we take a look, and see if we can find out what the lessons of your return might be? That might shed some light on the situation & help you feel better about things. What house is your natal Saturn in? What house is Saturn transiting through now? What other aspects does it make other than conjuncting Venus?

THis thread has all the info I could find on Saturn transits, and it might help: http://www.linda-goodman.com/ubb/Forum1/HTML/009759.html

posted July 28, 2006 06:36 PM         

I second, third and fourth all the comments! I'm going through my first Saturn Return now and, like you, was the sweetest, and most caring person my entire life, often at my own expense.

Once I hit my Return last summer I began to stop taking all the crap thrown my way and I realized that I had lost patience with some aspects of my life and, more importantly, some people. I banished some of them from my life and told others that things had to change. Sometimes enough is enough.

I think that if you spend the bulk of your life working so hard for others and realize that you are not getting what YOU want, then the S Return is generally the time that this frustration comes to the forefront.

Also, people in your life who are used to you being a certain way may not like the fact that you are becoming more assertive in which case that may tell you a little more about them as well.

Sometimes we overbalance in the opposite direction before finding a middle ground. I think that's what is happening with you. I would just let it play itself out and attempt to consciously make time for yourself. Do things that make you feel good to raise your feelings of self esteem and eventually it will all balance out. When you start feeling good, you will be more likely to nip things in the bud before they become problems and ultimately when we feel good, we attract goodness.

posted July 28, 2006 10:13 PM         

Go with what you're feeling and keep processing. You're being true to yourself right now and you will balance in the other direction. I agree wholeheartedly with what everyone has said here already.

I don't think you're out of tune, just expressing yourself in ways perhaps toward some that may have had it coming ~ let things be as they are now. If a relationship is one you really value, have a heart to heart with that person.

Most of all, listen to your heart. Life has a way of balancing itself out and you will come out the other side a different person. I'm feeling that this is a growth period for you, a metamorphosis. You will not be the same person after this is done.

Laura

posted July 30, 2006 10:24 PM         

I keep focusing on my health and work so I can go to Spain-you certainly helped me focus on my own goals one at a time. I am almost there. Spain makes me think about horses, because it's my dream to have a ranch.

posted July 30, 2006 11:30 PM         

steelrose, don't worry too much. You are just broken-hearted and tired of being treated like sh*t for no good reason.
It's no wonder you are ****** off and feeling cold to others right now. (it's for self-protection and although it seems so horrible, it's probably best for you just now~ at least for a little while. ). Just don't let the anger settle deep within you and you'll be ok.
Moods are passing things, like the rising and setting sun. You aren't your moods. (anger, hurt, pessimism, etc.) As sure as you are feeling these real emotions now (as it is natural that you are), surely you'll feel warm and peaceful once again. (as it will come natural to that moment.)

posted July 31, 2006 06:01 AM         

You may be right, but as you say, Sunshine, this darkness keeps on growing and it feels as if it’ll never lift… I cannot see the light at the end of this tunnel.

If I look back, I hardly remember having been happy, truly happy, for more than a few months. Only when I was in love, when I felt special, but it always was a mirage. I never was that important for anyone. At least it never felt that way. I have read somewhere that it could be caused by my Saturn-Venus conjunction in Leo: even if people loved me to pieces, I’d be unable to feel it.

Yes, it always felt that I had to put up with a modest second place for everyone who is important to me. And I used to resign and still treat them as my first choice, putting them first. It has happened with lovers, friends and family. Always in the background, resigning and trying to digest the bitterness that it caused me.

I suppose a Leo Venus is not good at second places. And Saturn made her bite the dust for too long.

I also read that a placement like this provokes an emotionally harsh life with constant heartbreaks and so on but if the individual did it well through his/her Saturn return, things would turn right after gaining a mature and deep outlook on love and relationships.

But I’m not learning my lesson. I try. But it doesn’t work. I should be learning to trust the future and men, letting things flow, learning to love myself. But I don’t. I can’t. I have started to have dangerous fantasies. I’m too tired to carry on living like this. It’s so cold. I keep hurting others, pushing them away. As if I hated them for being happy, for letting me die frozen. I only want to be alone. Instead of letting them drain me. I don’t want the crumbles any more. I’m far from trusting life or men. I’m developing an escalating aversion for them, a very rooted mistrust, a deep anger… I should have faith, but I lost it all.

I cannot stop it. I cannot control it. I know I shouldn’t be controlling things, that’s another part of my lesson… I have wrecked many things trying to over control them: natal Saturn in the 8th house, transiting Saturn moving through it… But I’m scared of how things are turning. I may come out of it insane, hated by all and alone, if I manage to endure it.

I have tried to love myself. To do things I enjoy. I used to spend too long in pleasing others. I still do. But if I don’t, how can I expect them to do the same for me? But every time I fancy doing less things. I’m coming to the point where the only thing I want to do is going to bed and sleep. That dreamless long and not always restful sleep. Recently I’m having nightmares. I didn’t used to. Distressful chases, where I have to run and hide to save my life from different forms of evil.

I’m supposed to fight for other’s happiness, to act as a peacemaker and a diplomat, to put other’s needs in front of mine according to my Libra North Node. I just can’t any longer.

I’m even trying to cut short what I’m starting to believe is a serious depression. I just started taking cromotherapy sessions. But nothing appears to work. And this gets darker and darker, colder and colder.

What I keep thinking is that it may not be their entire fault. If they love others better than me or if I’m not able to sense that I’m important or that they care. And I’m being awful with everybody. I just can’t stop it. I’m getting to the point where I can’t stand seeing couples kissing or hugging on the street. I envy pregnant women or those with babies. I don’t feel pity for split marriages or couples, for abandoned women… it feels kind of comforting…

Peri, I don’t know how to be friends with myself. It’s hard enough to work on self-respect. I used to pity myself because I couldn’t get anybody to love me.

Yes, Cappy, crying and crying, non-stop. As if you have a thick nail piercing your heart and you couldn’t breathe normally. I struggle to find anything to enjoy in this situation.

Sunshine, thanks for you offer… My natal Saturn is in the 8th house and transiting Saturn is also in it. It conjuncts natal Venus (1º), trines natal AC (5º) and Moon (8º), semi-squares (45º aspect) my MC (0º) and Mars (1º). I’ll have a look to the link you provided, thanks!!!

Thank you, Cancerrg, nice to find you around!!!

Yes, Love, what you say is very true… I have got rid of people that were a weight for me many times in the past, big groups that made me happy one day, restricted to one or two people I chose to keep in touch with. I’m sick of giving my hope and heart to people to leave them along the line one day just because they become draining, or toxic, or too demanding or careless… It’s very hard on me to keep doing this… I did it once when I was 21, then again when I was 24… and several other times with one or two people… But maybe it’s not their fault and it’s me who has a problem… Because I’m not happy and demand too much… You are right, I must be overbalancing after years of feeling neglected.

¡Yes, GeminiLover, exactly! They don’t like me because for once I’m not digesting the crap, I’m just throwing it back furiously. And they don’t understand why they are getting splashed with it…

Oh, my lovely Fayte… Thank you. Thank you for saying I’m not unkind. I feel so guilty after what I said to that special friend I love so much. I think I’ve ruined it. I couldn’t help it, I think his wedding was too much to endure. http://www.linda-goodman.com/ubb/Forum1/HTML/009564.html (I’m not sure of what I wrote there anymore. I don’t think he gave that much value as I thought then). I know he didn’t know how much I was taking on but he still put me under it… And last week the top just popped… After years of swallowing. It came out in a very unfortunate e-mail that didn’t intend to be as offensive as he took it. He waited a week trying to cool down. He didn’t even consider a misunderstanding, he didn’t give me the benefit of the doubt. He is so angry and hurt, that he can’t stand seeing me or talking to me right now. He said he had been hating me over the last week. After 8 years of friendship. After having taken so much for him to be happy. He may not know… I really love him but I may have gone too far. I know I have.

Thank you, Laura. I hope you are right… but I don’t want to be this cruel spitfire that is not able to control her tongue and keep hurting others out of bitterness and anguish because she is angry and jealous. I wouldn’t like others to treat me that way.

Natasha, thank you… You still have my apartment open to you if one day you want to come and visit Madrid. I still haven’t moved in but almost there!!! I’m very glad I could help you, my sweet and wise Natasha…

posted July 31, 2006 09:41 AM         

Iam sure it would help to run a google search on:

"dark night of the soul". I was myself in a similar situation recently and knowing about why it was happening was extremely liberating.

Hope this helps. You will come out of the darkness, rest assured...

posted July 31, 2006 11:50 AM         

Fayte, WOW. Letter "J" holds a very special meaning to me. It’s related to that man I used to believe that astral travelled to me. That man that is my age but looks so much older… Yes, the seashore, my grandma has an apartment there. I love it. That place has souvenir shops with shells and conchs. I love those. I have always done. I collect them… Yes, seabirds, windchimes, azure skies… It all fits… The sky here in Spain is so bright, so deeply blue, that it burns your eyes… (A Northern Irishman told me that recently…).

posted August 01, 2006 05:26 AM         

I’m going to Greece next week for my summer holidays… And after that I’ll spend 10 days in my granny’s apartment near the beach… That could explain why you re picking up seagulls, azure blue skies, sea breeze, shells, warm breezy air…

I’ll e-mail you regarding my friend, it’s far too personal to discuss it here…

posted August 01, 2006 09:08 AM         

>>>OMG!
I said:
Quote:
I do not know if that means anything to you but I feel an emotional calm warmth. I hear seabirds and windchimes.
The air is balmy. the sky a rich(Mediterranean?) blue azure.

MEDITERRANEAN?
GREECE!!!!!
I assumed Spain but that made no sense!
Now I see why!
So your grandmother is in Greece on the Mediterranean!!!!
OOOHHHH!!!!!!
That could be the summer of love!
Do you remember me telling you that 2007 was the year that your life can change for the better if you let it?
That would be 2007!!!!!
Hold on dear Lady!
Yes!
I DO feel good vibes and joy coming to you!
But you must be open to it!
Next summer feels like it could indeed be magical!

posted August 01, 2006 09:24 AM         

I'll go to Greece first and then to my granny's apartment in the Spanish coast...

I hope I have disentangled the story!!!!

I hope you are right and next summer is my summer of love!!!

posted August 02, 2006 04:35 AM         

It’s kind of exciting… but at the same time unsettling… I may not like him and I always have a hard time rejecting men. I feel pity for their broken hearts, I feel so guilty… Because most times I don’t like them… And when I do it’s even more terrifying because I don’t trust them. I know you must feel like laughing, it’s funny actually, how intensely I crave love and intimacy and how fast I back off and coil away from them. I feel my heart freeze instantly, and from then onwards, there’s nothing to do.

posted August 02, 2006 07:48 AM         

>>>I NEVER LAUGH AT MATTERS of love and fears of intimacy!
I do at times scoff at fools who confuse sexual intimacy with love.
But I am not laughing at you dear.
Yes...any seaside area like that.
May not be online today more.
Take care.
Love
Fayte