posted November 02, 2006 03:16 AM         

Now, today I could SWEAR I caught him making a semi-comical/semi-suggestive facial expression to another woman, while I was right there. It looked obviously to me like a "cute" flirtation. I could TOTALLY SWEAR THIS HAPPENED... and when I brought it up 10 minutes later, he denied it. We had an argument, where I said I didn't think I should have to put up with it and that I can do better than someone who flirts... I said that it showed disrespect to me. And he said that it was all in my imagination and that I'm insecure and jealous! In the end, since he was denying it all the way, I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. But I'm still mad. Very mad.

The fact that the facial gesture I supposedly "imagined" was openly suggestive (even though it was done in semi-"cute" way), to me is a blatant disregard of our relationship. Yes I'm a Scorpio moon, but so what! Doesn't everyone deserve respect from their other half? Or am I wrong???

posted November 02, 2006 05:24 AM         

You are in safe hands with me girl...5 planets in Scorp and Moon and Mars in Taurus...I understand where you are coming from, and if I can help I will..

Okay, my not particularly over passionate Cappy mother used to say...its okay to LOOK at other men/women and the day that you dont, then you know you are dead...

I agree with her!

He is a Gemini...he will be like this, I know lots of Gemini men that flirt..it dont mean they will do anything else, BUT if I were you, I would also give out to him. Although, with me, double standards may come into play...I look, and at times flirt a little, but I dont like my man to. That wrong of me though isnt it?

posted November 02, 2006 07:10 AM         

Yet he denies he did anything at all. And he made it seem like I'm making it up and being neurotic...

I know he wouldn't take it so far as to "do" anything with someone else... that's just not in him (I suspect his Mars in Aquarius has something to do with this); but it was just that gesture... it would be like if I took things beyond just a look at someone and did something more suggestive... he would hate that! I suppose the fact that I saw him do this has changed my attitude towards him, for the time being at least... to my perception of things, he finally got too cocky!

I just can't tell if I'm being too overly jealous or if my reaction to this is normal. :-|

posted November 02, 2006 09:33 AM         

I have Scorpio, long distance mate and I have got used to the fact that many people are atracted to him and flirt with him in a big way, and on the surface it looks like he is reciprocating, but truly he reserves his real feelings for those people in his life who really matter to him - so flirting is no biggy and not worth fussing about, ur issue I feel is not just about flirting - I would be upset by this situation as well

It's the personal thing that has got ur goat, so to speak. SO... my advice is yes, bring it up again with him, BUT in a controlled way and make it clear that it is the issue of his giving away something of urs that has upset you - because from what you said he's taking this issue as a general thing, like 'oh she's just being totally posessive and jealous because I checked out another girl' make it clear it was his giving away something that belongesd to you that hurt you and made you feel de-valued, I feel then that he will get, and (if he has any sense) apologise profusely, grovel for forgiveness etc.

The communication here needs clarity of the REAL issue...
Hope that helps

posted November 02, 2006 09:53 AM         

That is what I thought as well. What really would be good is if he does this and you ignore it totally almost like you do not care, I BET it would drive him nuts, especially since he knows it bothered you before..

posted November 02, 2006 11:37 AM         

I think it is hands down disrespectful. I would never dream of putting up with something like that. There was a time when I was younger when the person i was dating would comment on other women in my presence and I hated it. It slowly ate away at my self esteem and showed a complete lack of respect for me. If he was looking, that's one thing. Some men have the common decency not to be obvious about it, but others don't. But attempting to engage the other women in a flirtation is an all together different situation. I say FORGIVE, because you don't need to be carrying around that kind of anger and if he won't stop it, FORGET about him.

posted November 02, 2006 11:45 AM         

you felt the gesture was disrespectful towards your relationship..the gesture should belong to you alone..

I agree..with you

posted November 02, 2006 12:33 PM         

Thanks for making me realise how shallow my responce was I guess, that's just my backwards way of saying "I don't like you looking at other women"...lol

posted November 02, 2006 12:49 PM         

When you LOve..You Respect
you have Reverence for. ...

posted November 02, 2006 03:56 PM         

The idea of giving it right back and flirting in front of him is a good one... but I know it doesn't work with him. One of his ex's (she was with him for three months) told me that he was constantly looking and other women and it made her feel bad... but when she decided to flirt with someone he was horrified and so mad it basically ruined his feelings for her. And if I flirt in front of him, that might give him the signal that I think it's ok for him to do this. Another of his ex's (a Scorpio) dumped him because she caught him flirting.

It might help you all to know that I am a Taurus with Scorpio moon , so I'm extremely loyal and I value the same qualities in others, and I have Saturn in the 7th house - so I do have insecurities/fears in that area. My biggest fear is that if I allow him to think this is ok, in months or years from now I could end up being one of those women who stays at home while their partner/husband does whatever they want with whoever they want if you know what I mean... but that with our SIX Pluto trines, I won't be able to walk away. I just want him to respect my feelings about this. See, he still talks about our long-term plans and it seems like he's finally, FINALLY at 35, found someone he wants to stay with... but now that he did this "personal" gesture to someone, it's somehow raised a deep fear in me that he won't respect my feelings. And I know I'm projecting my thoughts way into the future and imagining a scenario that may never happen... but it's a fear nonetheless.

I'd bring it up again but he's already denied that he did this, and it will only lead to another argument.

posted November 02, 2006 04:07 PM         

I had an ex that was very much like your Gemini. He would "punish" me by acting like a jerk and looking up and down at women that walked by. I did the "I am ignoring you think" and didn't make a big deal about it. I am not a jealous person by nature anyway. So he started to get more expressive, more verbal and even a bit touchy with the people. As bad as he was in front of me, he was worse when I would leave for a business trip.

His excuse was I deserved for people looking at me and me smiling at people at the bar or wherever. Hey, if I walk past someone I normally make eye contact and smile. It's called being "nice".

Ignoring it doesn't work, therefore that advice is NOT valid. If you feel slighted then tell him, when you two are alone and don't get hysterical.

If he discounts it and blames it on you and your insecurities, yet you are FIRM in that you know what he did was out of bounds, then you need to lay it on the line. If he doesn't change you have two options 1) deal with it and let it go or 2) kick his a$$ to the curb.

I kicked my "a$$face ex " to the curb and it was the best thing I ever did.

I am currently (and forever) married to a very Sexy / Handsome Leo. The one thing I noticed about him immediately is that he doesn't do that "Damn I gotta check someone out" thing. He sees people as I do- as people. Some are pretty, some are way ugly, some have great bodies... but it is all in the way the person "looks" at someone else.

posted November 02, 2006 04:25 PM         

I like the way that we can go somewhere and have conversations with other people but still give each other the googly eyes or flirt with each other with our eyes.

There is a big difference at how you look at the person you love and want to be with compared to someone else. I think my wife said it best. If he will do it in front of you, imagine what he will do when your not around.

posted November 02, 2006 06:54 PM         

My two cents....
when he flirts with that "gesture"... WALK OUT. You don't have to stay there and take it. I'm not saying make a scene. It's not practical. Just walk out. Leave him to his "gesture". If he asks why, tell him:
"You seem to prefer to be with her than with me so you have all my blessing."

Don't scream. Say it in a very controlled voice. He'll get the meaning. If he doesn't, dump him. He's not worth the grief.

I always tell my partner, I don't care if you flirt when I'm not there. When you are with me, you better be WITH me. Other women can look at you with all the desire in the world, but YOU on the other hand, should only have that look for me. Otherwise, you can go coz I don't need you and any grief you cause me.

Good luck.

posted November 02, 2006 07:26 PM         

It has to be equal. The guy that made it a point to do that with me, also had string of ex-girlfriends that he couldn't let go of (basically they were his reserve chicks that he ran to when he was feeling insecure- I found that out after we had broken up).

He could not tolerate my friendliness and tried to change me ever chance he had - YET I was to tolerate and even embrace his idiosynchracies.

I don't know how I was able to tolerate him for as long as I did, but being with him sure made me recognize a real man like Bear when he came into my life.

What I have found is that real love doesn't make you hurt. Sure there are times when two people miscommunicate or old hurts come to the surface. But two people that are meant to be together NEVER try to hurt the other and if they accidently hurt someone or if their action causes pain, they make a point to say a genuine apology and try to learn from what they did.

There is an old Bible verse I read when I was a teenager and it has always stuck in my mind. I never knew it was real until I met Bear:

1 John 4:18 - There is no fear in love: TRUE love has no room for fear, because where fear is, there is pain; and he who is not free from fear is not complete in love.

I have NO fear in my love for Bear and his love for me. Maybe you and your boyfriend are the same, but this is just one of those hiccups in life.

posted November 02, 2006 10:48 PM         

I have to say, reading your post set of so many warning bells.

You being a Gemini, and also from the way you have articulated your situation in this post, I am confident that you have the necessary maturity and communication skills to get your point across. And, it seems as though this isn't the first time you have discussed this issue with him either.

So, I don't think it's a matter of him not understanding your boundaries, I think it's a matter of him deliberately abusing them.

What your partner is doing is a form of emotional abuse.

He can deny it and dress up his excuses any way he likes but he is a repeat performer. You know this because you have confirmation from his ex-girlfriends. People who emotionally abuse have patterns which cannot be undone without the help of a trained professional.

Emotional abusers do so because their own self-esteem is low. Now, you mentioned he was a good-looking guy, but he obviously feels he needs validation from other women. The problem is, emotional abusers delight in stripping other people's self-esteem away. You also said yours was at a low point. I bet he's played a major role in that.

You see, emotional abuse is not something that is widely recognised or understood. It's not like physical abuse where there are black eyes, broken bones and scars. Emotional abuse is very subtle and works at whittling away a person's soul. Quite often the victims in the situation (and yes, that's you - you are a victim) don't even know what's going on, until somebody labels it. You may even be reading this shaking your head and saying, "no, this woman's got no idea - he's not like that at all".

Make up your own mind. Google emotional abuse and read some information on it. There are even websites that have checklists of behaviour. See how many ticks you place next to the items that show the symptoms of emotional abuse.

Relationships are all about trust. If you are wondering what he's doing behind your back, then, you don't trust him. It's certainly not the basis for a long-term relationship (or a short-term one for that matter).

Take your power back before it is too late. Encourage him to seek help and if he's not open to it then, you need to ask yoursElf some series questions because he won't change.

And don't fall into the common victim trap thinking you will change him. You won't! There's a reason why it's taken him 35 years to find that one person he wants to be with.

I hope I haven't been too harsh. I know you love him. You just have to love yoursElf more!