posted December 15, 2007 06:08 PM         

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Here is a mistake that most people make in their relationships with others. They try to build a steady nesting place in the ever-moving stream of life.

Think of someone whose love you desire. Do you want to be important to this person, to be special and make a difference in his/her life? Do you want this person to care for you and be concerned about you in a special way? If you do, open your eyes and see that you are foolishly inviting others to reserve you for themselves, to restrict your freedom for their benefit, to control your behavior, your growth and developement so that it will suit their interest. It is as if the other person said to you, "If you want to be special to me then you must meet my conditions. Becaue the moment you cease to live up to my expectations, you will cease to be special." You wanted to be special to someone, didn't you? So you must dance to the other person's tune just as you demad that other persons dance to yours if they want to be special to you.

Pause now to ask yourself if it is worth paying so much for so little. Imagine you say to the person whose special love you want, "Leave me free to be myself, to think my thoughts, to indulge my taste, to fllow my inclinations, to behave in ways I decide are to my liking." The moment you say those words you will understand that you are asking for the impossible. To ask to be special to someone means essentially to be bound to the task of making yourself pleasing to this person. And therefore to lose your freedom. Take all the time you need to realize this.

Maybe now you are ready to say, "I'd rather have my freedom than your love." If you could either have company in prison or walk the earth in freedom all alone, which would your choose? Now say to this person, "I leave you free to be yourself, to think your thoughts, to indulge your taste, follow your inclinations, behave in any way that you decide is to your liking." The moment you say that you will observe one of two things: Either your heart will resist those words and you will be expoed for the clinger and exploiter that you are; so now is the time to examine your false beliefs that without this person you cannot live or cannot be happy. Or your heart will pronounce the words sincerely and in that very instant all control, manipulation, exploitation, posessiveness, jealousy will drop. "I leave you free to be yourself, to think your thoughts, to indulge your taste, follow your inclinations, behave in any way that you decide is to your liking."

And you will notice something else. The person automatically ceases to be special and important to you. And he/she becomes important the way a sunset or a symphony is lovely in itself; the way a tree is special in itself and not for the fruit or the shade it can offer you. Your beloved will then belong not to you but to everyone or to noone like the sunrise and the tree. Test it by saying these words again: "I leave you free to be yourself..." In saying those words you have set yourself free. You are now ready to love. For when you cling, what you offer the other is not love but a chain by which both you and your beloved are bound. Love can only exist in freedom. The true lover seeks the good of his beloved which requires especially the liberation of the beloved from the lover.

posted December 15, 2007 06:12 PM         

i am an aquarian and i do believe this.. BUT i am also a taurus moon and i do believe that commitment and security are perhaps equally as valid. so i am not touting this as gospel or the ultimate truth, but it is a glimpse into the mind and motivations of the aquarian lover, as far as i see it!

i think perhaps it deserves special attention because ALOOFNESS is often thought to be the very opposite of love, but if you follow this logic, perhaps it is in fact, the MOST loving..

posted December 15, 2007 06:44 PM         

Be-ing on the recieving of love from an Aqua, this is nice...

And the just of what I have been preaching about Aquarian love for so long...let them be free!!!

To experience the love of an Aqua is to experience a finest and purest love, they do not emote easily nor do they let their love go so easliy.

I do not care what anybody says, the love of an Aqua is some of the most unconditional love of all!!! (taken by most to be "aloofness")

I know this by be-ing loved by one and be-ing highly Aqua myself.

Terri

posted December 16, 2007 02:45 PM         

This is probably the other extreme to what Anthony de Mello is saying. I think the answer is somwhere in the middle of the two extremes.

I believe in this world which is full of responsibilites we cannot be free to do what we want to do all the time. We need to be responsible for how our actions affect others. We cannot have the attitude that no one should be hurt by our actions, because they should live with the attitude that we are free to do whatever we like.

The line stating, "I'd rather have my freedom than your love." sounds a bit selfish to me.
And the line, "If you could either have company in prison or walk the earth in freedom all alone, which would your choose?". This is a bit extreme comparing love that requires sacrifice and compromise to prison? To live in a constant struggle to maintain our freedom at any cost can also become our prison. We must remember that freedom is a state of mind.

"Leave me free to be myself, to think my thoughts, to indulge my taste, to follow my
inclinations, to behave in ways I decide are to my liking." I believe in the first part of this statement, it's the second half I am a little uncomfortable with. We have
responsibilites in this world. We cannot just indulge our tastes, follow all of our
inclinations, and behave in ways to our liking. We live in this world with others, and must consider our actions as affecting the whole. The whole of society, our neighors, our family, our children, our friends, our mate, etc. If you live on an island by yourself, then do as you please,
but if you live in this world with others, you cannot be so selfish to think doing whatever you want all the time will not have a ripple effect on other people's lives.

posted December 16, 2007 02:57 PM         

If we project our expectations of what we want to achieve in our life; all our dreams and hopes and what we expect out of one individual that we “love”, then really is that “true love”? At the same time, we also inflict our disappointments, frustrations and baggage from previous relationships. There can not be one without the other because our expectations are dependent on that person making us happy and complete. Is this “true love”?

“I leave you free to be yourself….."
“Love can only exist in freedom”

I don’t really see this as a lack of commitment or security. It’s more a total acceptance of oneself and the other; of being secure in each other; of allowing each other the right to fulfill their dreams; of not fearing that one will leave the other and therefore leave one incomplete. If we allow each other the freedom to be complete within ourselves; to offer ourselves as a whole entity and to receive that in return, then isn’t this true and unconditional love?

posted December 16, 2007 06:13 PM         

I have absolutely NO Aquarian in me at all (unless i'm not really a Pisces ASC) and l absolutely LOVE this...

thank you.

May l reciprocate with my version that l live by?

excerpt from a book written in 1928

""A woman came to me in deep distress. The man she loved had left her for other women, and said he never intended to marry her. She was torn with jealousy and resentment and said she hoped he would suffer as he had made her suffer: and added, "How could he leave me when l loved him so much?"

I replied "You are not loving that man, you are hating him, " and added "You can never receive what you have never given. Give a perfect love and you will receive a perfect love. Perfect yourself on this man. Give him a perfect, unselfish love, demanding nothing in return, do not criticise or condemn, and bless him wherever he is."

She replied, "No, l won't bless him unless l know where he is!!"

"Well" l said "that is not real love"

"When you send out real love, real love will return to you, either from this man or his equivalent, for if this man is not the divine selection, you will not want him. As you are one with God, you are one with the love which belongs to you by divine right".

"When you are no longer disturbed by his cruelty, he will cease to be cruel, as you are attracting it through your own emotions."

posted December 16, 2007 07:26 PM         

i've grown up with a sense of love as being total selflessness, a lesson i was taught by my grandmother. i've been taken advantage of due to this and have made very unwise choices as to who to love. but, everything has a lesson and i did learn mine!

i think this kind of love (the excerpt) goes beyond either selfish or selfless in that it is about staying fully awake to the moment and not projecting ANY expectations or frames of referrence on the other; it seems to indicate that doing so is in fact akin to imprisonment, which, i believe it is.

posted December 16, 2007 07:57 PM         

and now i'm wondering if l am aquarius rising LOL

Living in the now and loving yourself totally to enable you to freely love another with no barriers, insecurities etc is just the holy grail hehe

posted December 16, 2007 08:21 PM         

Everything has a price. When you love with your whole heart, you put yourself out to share your life fully and experience fully what it means to be in love. That is the price of loving.

Sure we can get hurt, sometimes we love the wrong person and get hurt pretty badly. But we pick ourselves up and love again. And again. So that perhaps one day before you die, you may meet the one person who gives you back as much as you give them. Hence die happy.

I would rather die in prison with the man I love than walk this earth free but alone. This is not to say that I become clingy and jealous - not at all. Everything is about balance.

When you are confident enough in yourself, you know that do not have to be clingy or jealous for a man to be always by your side. If he wants to cheat, he will do it whether or not you follow him with a watchful eye.

I think the trick is to find the right person... not to hold yourself back.

Just another point of view.

MM

posted December 16, 2007 08:41 PM         

Did l miss something? lol

I don't want someone to make me happy... l want someone to share the happiness l feel inside with me!

posted December 16, 2007 09:10 PM         

"Do you want to be important to this person, to be special and make a difference in his/her life? Do you want this person to care for you and be concerned about you in a special way?"

Yes. I want to be as important to this person, as special and make as much of a difference in his life has he does with mine. And Yes, I do want this person to care for me as I care for him, and be concerned about me in a special way as much as I am concerned about him in the same way. I don't think I can love someone if they do not love me back. I will just try my best to forget him and move on to find someone who deserves my love.

This to me is reciprocation and is the way a couple is suppose to be - love in a special way to each other. If it is not in a special way, then it is no more than friendship. But it must be both ways. Give and take. Equally. Balance. This is not wrong. It's different point of view.

posted December 16, 2007 09:11 PM         

but it is only an analogy and involves stark contrasts for a reason. to get you to feel and contemplate your motivations in (and for) a relationship.

would you want to be with someone who would stop loving you because you fell out of his idea of what loveable is? would you not then feel used and maybe question whether you were even loved at all?

posted December 16, 2007 09:24 PM         

Lara ~

quote:

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I don't want someone to make me happy... l want someone to share the happiness l feel inside with me!

---

posted December 16, 2007 11:11 PM         

quote:

---

I don't want someone to make me happy... l want someone to share the happiness l feel inside with me!

---

Thank you Azalaksh
Sometimes it's hard to get one's point of view across on the net so i'm glad l succeeded

posted December 17, 2007 08:15 AM         

That to me means that he's not the right person and that he's an A-1 A$$h0le and that I should not be wasting my time with him.

"If you want to be special to me then you must meet my conditions."

That phrase is actually true. Everyone has a price. Mine is that "If you want to be special to me, then my conditions are that you must love me and treat me the same way I treat you." If you cease to do that, then Yes. Absolutely you will cease to be special in my eyes.

posted December 17, 2007 08:57 AM         

"would you want to be with someone who would stop loving you because you fell out of his idea of what loveable is? would you not then feel used and maybe question whether you were even loved at all?"

I AM SORRY BUT I DON'T GET THIS AT ALL.

That to me means that he's not the right person and that he's an A-1 A$$h0le and that I should not be wasting my time with him.

IF YOU LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY YOU WILL NOT VIEW HIM AS AN *******

"If you want to be special to me then you must meet my conditions."

That phrase is actually true. Everyone has a price. Mine is that "If you want to be special to me, then my conditions are that you must love me and treat me the same way I treat you." If you cease to do that, then Yes. Absolutely you will cease to be special in my eyes.

WOAH... I COULD NEVER TELL SOMEONE HOW TO LOVE ME. WHAT KIND OF LOVE IS THAT?!!! THIS TO ME, PERSONALLY IS NOT LOVE. IT'S "PLEASE FILL ME UP COS I AM SO EMPTY AND DEVOID OF LOVE AS I AM INSECURE AND DON'T KNOW HOW TO LOVE MYSELF"

NO OFFENCE TO ANYONE BUT THIS IS NARCISSISTIC LOVE. IT'S CONDITIONAL. IT'S "I WILL ONLY LOVE YOU AS MUCH AS YOU LOVE ME" LOVE.

I DON'T WANT THIS.. I LOVE MYSELF TOTALLY AND IF SOMEONE ELSE COMES ALONG AND LOVES ME IT DOESN'T CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT ME. IT SIMPLY ENHANCES ME; IT'S A BONUS.

I SEE SO MANY PEOPLE THINK THEY HAVE FALLEN IN LOVE ONLY TO FIND THAT IT'S A 'NEEDY LOVE' THEY ARE GIVING AND ATTRACTING. IT FULFILLS THE NEED TO BE LOVED - WHICH SHOULD NEVER BE FULFILLED BY ANOTHER.

That's all I was trying to say.

THIS IS ALL I AM TRYING TO SAY AND SORRY IF I COME ACROSS AS DIRECT - I AM AND I FEEL STRONGLY ABOUT THIS. (It's my aries stellium of moon/venus/saturn/n node in 1st)
NO OFFENCE TO ANYONE.

posted December 17, 2007 09:42 AM         

LOL

After all this is what parents do for their children!!!!!

posted December 17, 2007 03:15 PM         

True. But we are not talking about a parent-child love. That is btw the purest love of all (normally).

"Placing demands or boundaries on love cannot be LOVE."

Just out of curiosity... if this guy you love unconditionally treats you like crap (like cheats on you and beats you up, etc), would you really stay in LOVE with him unconditionally? Of course not. So, whether you admit it or not, you ARE placing a condition on your love. Because, like it or not, most people DO love themselves more than they love their partners (parent love excluded).

posted December 17, 2007 03:38 PM         

Truth is if one is loving unconditionally then one gives out unconditional love vibes and doesn't attract those whom treat you like crap cos having understood the "unconditional" side of it you are past the stage of narcissism

Therefore, bye bye crap!

You have to free yourself to be free with another..

n'est pas?

posted December 17, 2007 04:11 PM         

This is where we differ as to me, it is not possible for another to hurt you UNLESS you give them permission. I truly believe now (after years of thinking the other way) that SELF love and SELF respect leads to unconditional LOVE for self and another, through the SELF.

just my 2 cents

posted December 17, 2007 05:29 PM         

Love just ain't enough for a sustainable relationship ppl... Have a read: