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SunChild
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Posts: 4012
From: Australia
Registered: Jan 2004

posted January 01, 2008 03:59 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for SunChild     Edit/Delete Message
*deleted*

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yourfriendinspirit
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Posts: 2229
From: California, USA
Registered: Oct 2006

posted January 01, 2008 05:42 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for yourfriendinspirit     Edit/Delete Message

Oh honey....

My heart goes out to you!

Know that you are welcome anytime to unload, release, and/or seek comfort here...

You are to be commended for having tried so long to work through this with him... Ultimately his choices and changes are just that (his). Please carry NO guilt for his decisions to abuse himself and those around him nor yours to move forward in safety and sanity.

You are wise beyond your years. You are a good momma and deserve and opportunity to care for your daughter without shame or fear.

This really pulls at my heart strings here as I too was once in your shoes. Four years of marraige and a wee little one (aged 1 1/2 years) I left when I realized that I really didn't want to raise a child this way. I was just 21 years old and believed my life was over, LOL!

Looking back, That was the VERY best move I ever made (should have left sooner). It also woke him up after many years and he cleaned up eventually. I discovered a whole life ahead of me and regained my self esteem, sanity, and happiness! I no longer felt the need to hide things from my family and friends in honor of protecting his reputation, or for fear embarrassment.

Though being a single parent was challenging at times the rewards were amazing! To have one healthy parent is a godsend compared to two disfunctional ones due to alcohol abuse on the the part of one or the other.

I also found beautiful relationships along the way until I finally met "The one" We now have been together more than 12 years and have added two little ones more to the pot.
Heee...Heee...

Our eldest (from before mentioned marraige) has had the opportunity to know love and respect good healthy choices. No drugs, alcohol or violence to stress his path
He's now graduated highschool with honors, dignaty and a sense of strength he would have never aquired in that previous family relationship. He's attending college and plans to become a doctor! (Yes, every mothers dream) This took alot of hard work and support on everyone's part, the end result is SOOOOoooooooooo worth it!

As you are already on my "friendslist" elsewhere you've most likely noticed the little blurb under the "Heros" section:
Single mothers everywhere who recognize thier value, importance, and continue to strive hard to make a difference in the world for both thier children and them selves....

I meant it!

More advice: Be always appreciative of your family members and or friends, who step in from time to time to help you guys along the way. Even when they annoy you *heee...heee. It does take a village to raise a child!

Sending you lot's and lot's of love!!!

I promise it gets better and better as time goes on...

If you ever need to talk you know where to find me


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NAM
Knowflake

Posts: 1951
From: Sunny place.
Registered: Jan 2007

posted January 01, 2008 11:30 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for NAM     Edit/Delete Message
Welcome to the club Sunchild, a lot of us have gone through that and it doesn't make you less of a person to speak up and say who you are, to the contrary it makes you a fighter and a winner the fact that you took charge and choose the right path for you.

I sometimes think if I would have stayed in my marriage maybe I could have helped my ex-husand and his problem, I specially think this way when I am down and feel lonely so to me it is like paying for something I didn't do, but then I realize that we can't do that for them , they have to do this themselves and not only that but once they have killed love so much it is very difficult to stay by the side of a man like that.

But, I just want to tell you good for you, it will be a rough road I will not lie to you but the sooner you find yourself again the sooner you will feel free from your past.
Good luck!

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miss_muffet
Knowflake

Posts: 830
From:
Registered: Mar 2004

posted January 01, 2008 11:34 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for miss_muffet     Edit/Delete Message
I applaud and admire you. Take care of yourself and I wish you all the best.

MM

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ListensToTrees
Knowflake

Posts: 2777
From: Albion
Registered: Jul 2005

posted January 01, 2008 12:19 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for ListensToTrees     Edit/Delete Message

I too stayed in a bad relationship for 7 years. There comes a point when you realize it won't change. You have a choice- whether to stay trapped the way things are or to break free and live again.

Anyway, you did the right thing for both of you- no doubt about that.

I'm glad you are ok now.

Love and Light to you.

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artlovesdawn
Knowflake

Posts: 1177
From:
Registered: Jul 2005

posted January 01, 2008 12:30 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for artlovesdawn     Edit/Delete Message
.

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NosiS
Moderator

Posts: 599
From: )
Registered: Apr 2004

posted January 01, 2008 05:53 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for NosiS     Edit/Delete Message
SunChild!

It is very heartwarming to read such an honest and open post from you as this. I really don't know you, I should admit, but I receive an intense feeling from your words on this site and I believe deeply in my heart that you are a very warm, loving and wise enough person to know that you do not deserve to be treated as such.

In the Spanish language I know a saying that, translated, goes a little like this:

" Not ever backwards, not even to gain momentum."

The reality of life, however, is such that we do often find ourselves going backwards a bit. Many people I know, as of late, seem to be experiencing situations that make them feel in this sentiment, as if the course and direction of their life's ideals/goals/desires are taking a strange turn away from their manifestation. I've no wisdom to impart that may reveal the fabrics as to why this may be happening. All I can manage to communicate to you is that I know within my heart that you are capable enough of directing your Self through the proper course and direction to elevate your own Self and the life of your daughter. Sometimes, one person will latch on to another with the unconscious motive of bringing that person "down" to their level and have no intentions whatsoever of going "up" to that person's level. I'm not saying that this is such, in your case, but that you should decide whether or not it is and to not be afraid of the course of your life should you decide to make drastic changes to it. Only yoU can decide what is best for you now.

I wish you the serenity to choose wisely.
May your angels be with you.

Sincerely...

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Nephthys
Moderator

Posts: 3630
From: California
Registered: Oct 2001

posted January 01, 2008 06:24 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Nephthys     Edit/Delete Message
OHMYGOSH SUNCHILD!!!

WOW. I didn't read any replies here, but I want to tell you that it is amazing how I thought you had a fairy tale life, you were so much in love, I thought you had the perfect life!!! WOW do you see the impressions we get of one another, until we open ourselves up?

I am really sorry. First, as long as you and baby are safe, that is most important. Now you must heal emotionally. I am glad you have your parents to keep you under their wing.

I'll send you a private msg. I'm in a hurry right now.

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BlueTopaz124
Knowflake

Posts: 1344
From: Portland, OR
Registered: Jan 2004

posted January 01, 2008 06:29 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for BlueTopaz124     Edit/Delete Message
Sunchild!!

I don't have any advice to offer, just my prayers and sending love to you and your sweet daughter.

You did the right thing; your safety and well-being is the most important. Heal, and know that you are never ever the same person that you were. Yes, you will have times of doubt and the road won't always be easy. Remember you do have the strength to keep on moving toward the truth and the light.

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Nephthys
Moderator

Posts: 3630
From: California
Registered: Oct 2001

posted January 01, 2008 07:23 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Nephthys     Edit/Delete Message
Oh, tried sending you a msg. and it won't let me

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Azalaksh
Moderator

Posts: 6157
From: New Brighton, MN, USA
Registered: Nov 2004

posted January 01, 2008 08:22 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Azalaksh     Edit/Delete Message
SunChild, I could have written your post…..
This was me too:
quote:
Yeah, no one knew, I could hide it very well, sometimes he was good, so I would live in denial and pretend I could handle it.
I really believed for a long time that my alcoholic partner would “get better” as long as I was there with love and support. He did in fact stay sober for an entire year, and that’s when I got pregnant – I thought the tide had turned and our lives had changed for the better, but eventually he went back out and it all went down the tubes. I thought I would never get away from him, as towards the end of our relationship he threatened to hurt my family (burn down their house) if I left him. But one night when he was drunk he woke me up at 3am and put a gun to my head. Some protective power was with me that night, as he just backed off and then left in the car. Several hours later I got up to go to work, took the baby to daycare and my son and I didn’t go home that night – my boss offered to let me stay with him for awhile and my company offered me a transfer to Minnesota. I reported the whole thing to the cops after my ex threatened me on the phone at work the next day, and met them in a parking lot where I gave them the key to my house – they went and picked him up and hauled him off to jail, where he stayed for almost a year for Domestic Violence (they found the gun in the house, which more or less corroborated my story). After they hauled him off, I saw my opportunity, got out of my lease, gave away 3 of my cats to friends, packed everything I could in a U-Haul and stored the rest, and set off across the country with my 1yo son and my favorite kitty in the car, and never looked back. My ex was devastated. He didn’t think I’d really have the temerity to leave him. I had hoped that he could still be a long distance part of our son’s life so I gave him my new phone number so he could call from jail. But it didn’t take long before he got verbally abusive on the phone, so I changed my number and that’s the last contact we’ve ever had (9-1/2 years ago). I was close to his daughter from a previous marriage so I got bits of information – in and out of jail again, back with an old girlfriend….. as long as he stays relatively broke I don’t need to worry about him coming here to kill me and take my son, which was what he threatened to do. But I still watch the rearview mirror every night when I leave work to see if I’m being followed…..

Please be careful about him “not knowing where you are.”
Do you have something akin to “Restraining Orders” in Oz that deny contact under penalty of going to jail??

You’ve done the best thing you could do for both yourself and your baby. Single-parenthood is hard, but it can be done ;-) She won’t have a main male role model, but your baby won’t be warped by violence and abuse. If you ever need to vent or just chat, my email’s in my profile and at FFA in the header.

& {{{ hugs }}} Zala

**edit**

quote:
Sometimes, one person will latch on to another with the unconscious motive of bringing that person "down" to their level and have no intentions whatsoever of going "up" to that person's level.
You are a wise and perceptive soul, NosiS.....
My ex loved it that I had all the trappings of "success" -- good job, nice car, money to spend. But he hated it at the same time, as it only made it more apparent that he had none of those things. So when he was drinking he would devalue me and whatever I had/did: "How was your pi$$y-a$$ little job today??" He wanted me to join him on his downward spiral, so we could be "equals" and he would thus feel better about himself.....

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Aphrodite
Knowflake

Posts: 4975
From:
Registered: Feb 2002

posted January 01, 2008 09:00 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Aphrodite     Edit/Delete Message
Hi SunChild,

You and your daughter are in my thoughts and prayers. Please take good care of yourselves.

Warm Regards,

Aphrodite

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Lialei
Knowflake

Posts: 1873
From: blank canvas
Registered: Jul 2005

posted January 01, 2008 09:48 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lialei     Edit/Delete Message
SunChild,
you are brave and beautiful.
Your daughter is blessed to have you
to look to.

You are so young.
I'm sorry for all the time you carried
this alone in your heart.
You're whole life is before you,
and you are such an amazing soul,
you can make it whatever you dream
and I'm sure it will be beautiful,
if your heart is any indication,
it will be just glorious.

I'm so happy you're safe.

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26taurus
Knowflake

Posts: 12835
From: *
Registered: Jun 2004

posted January 01, 2008 09:49 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for 26taurus     Edit/Delete Message
SunChild ...

My heart goes out to you. I'm so proud of you for leaving and doing what is best for all involved. I hope you know that that is what you have done. It will become clearer as time goes on. It took a lot of strength on your part to leave. Do not worry anymore about how you might be percieved by anyone. This isnt your fault and you are doing the best you can. Know that you are not alone. Many women have been through similar situations and gotten help and turned their lives around for the better. I know this isnt easy right now, but focus on staying strong for your daughter and yourself. That is what is most important right now.

There is nothing you can do to "fix him". Trust me on this. You may have come to finally realize this now after all these years. For your own safty and well being and that of your child's please stay away from him and work on your own healing process.

I hope opening up here and reading about other's experiences opens your eyes wider and helps to comfort you and gives you strength.

This is the beginning of a healthier life for you and your baby. Great things await you both. I'm sure of this.

Love,

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Geocosmic Valentine
Knowflake

Posts: 404
From: New York, NY
Registered: Sep 2007

posted January 01, 2008 09:58 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Geocosmic Valentine     Edit/Delete Message
Hi SunChild,

I've been thinking about you all day, so you are definitely in my thoughts and prayers as well. My simplest and highest thought for you today is to acknowledge that you started off this year with a giant step in a positive direction toward safety for yourself and your lovely child. You have begun that "Journey of a thousand miles" with that difficult giant step. I wish you as much compassion and mercy along your journey of 2008.

I have also contacted you in another way as you'll see when you sign in. Take good care, one day at a time and with baby steps.

Geocosmic Valentine

------------------
"Everybody is a star!"
Sly & The Family Stone

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26taurus
Knowflake

Posts: 12835
From: *
Registered: Jun 2004

posted January 01, 2008 10:28 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for 26taurus     Edit/Delete Message
The sorrow of the faithful
is not that of permanent loss,
but the tender sense of sadness
that comes in saying good-bye for now
to someone we love.
May today's sorrow give way
to the peace and
comfort of God's love.

You will embark on a fair sea,
and at times there will be fair weather, but not always.
You will meet storms and overcome them.
You will take it in turns to steer your boat through fair weather and foul. Never lose courage.
Save harbour awaits you...in the end.

- Daphne Du Maurer

Life can be found only in the present moment.
The past is gone, the future is not yet here,
and if we do not go back to ourselves in the present moment,
we cannot be in touch with life.

Thich Nhat Hanh


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BlueTopaz124
Knowflake

Posts: 1344
From: Portland, OR
Registered: Jan 2004

posted January 01, 2008 11:54 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for BlueTopaz124     Edit/Delete Message
Beautiful quotes, 26T.

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SunChild
Moderator

Posts: 4012
From: Australia
Registered: Jan 2004

posted January 02, 2008 04:33 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for SunChild     Edit/Delete Message
Thankyou, each and every one of you has given me something special to think about, I'm gaining more strength and more courage each day.

yfis... thankyou for echoing the words of my own mother. I do truly believe it does take a village to raise a child, with my old life, I was so isolated and at times, forbidden to see members of my family... my heart ached so much, but now I am with the people who care the most about about me, and Tahlea will be the one to benefit the most.

NAM...Thanks for wishing me luck, and I believe you when you say I will find myself again.

Missmuffet... I will take care and thankyou.


Listentotrees...I am now at that point, theres's nothing I can do except keep us safe. Thanks.

Art.. Thankyou

NosiS..your words are lovely and I will remember them when I am feeling uneasy about things.

Nepthys...sorry I know I never let on and it seemed I had it all. I was so in love with him but I now know he wasn't in love with me.
I will check for messages tomorrow.xxx

BT.. Thank you for prayers and love, it all helps.. I feel loved.

Azalaksh... I have organised custody, not sure about restraining order yet... I feel safe but wont let my guard down yet.
Thanks I might email you soon.

Aphrodite..thankyou, it helps. xo

Lia... Your kind words of wisdom are like a soothing song for me..I believe what you say..for the first time in my life, I know I am capable of creating happiness.

26t.. I'm sure of it too, thank you for your support, I believe I was born with the strength and I have found it.
Love the quotes btw. xoxoxo

Geo... I haven't checked my account yet so I'm not sure who you are but thankyou, I look forward to reading you messages.

So now that I am with the people who truly care about my wellbeing I feel so light and happy. I enjoy being with my mum and stepdad and feel no more anger or sadness... I have used my anger to move away from him and now it is no longer useful, I am now at peace with my new and wonderful path!
My mother is a beautiful, spiritual fighter, she always has battles on her hands, and seldom loses. Her new husband is a kind gentle man, who would do anything to protect me and my child. He spent many years teaching at Steiner (waldorf) schools that his parents founded and continue to teach in my country...he is a massive container of wisdom that never ceases to amaze and inspire me. I had no idea he was this amazing until the time came I needed his protection. I feel safe with him. Our conversations are maverlous, he encourages me to be myself, he encourages me to be everything that my ex has always critized.
I feel so blessed today.


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Azalaksh
Moderator

Posts: 6157
From: New Brighton, MN, USA
Registered: Nov 2004

posted January 02, 2008 07:07 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Azalaksh     Edit/Delete Message
SunChild ~

I was so happy to read about how you "found" (so to speak) your stepfather that I got teary
It never ceases to amaze me how the Universe seems to provide exactly the people we need, once we have let down all our walls and found the strength and courage to get our "cars" out of that ditch we accidently drove them into, and back up onto our true roads.....

{{{ hugs }}}
Z

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NosiS
Moderator

Posts: 599
From: )
Registered: Apr 2004

posted January 02, 2008 09:08 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for NosiS     Edit/Delete Message
Oh! SunChild, I remember your mom posting about him (your stepdad) in For Yellow Wax and the Ants! You are definitely in good hands! lol!

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Mystique
Knowflake

Posts: 269
From: Canada
Registered: Nov 2002

posted January 02, 2008 09:38 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Mystique     Edit/Delete Message
Dear Sunchild

I just want to say how brave of you to open up about something so personal. I will pray for you and all who hide their burdens and have to carry them alone.
God bless you and you are already on your way to healing
Congratulations on this momentous step forward

Mystique

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pidaua
Knowflake

Posts: 7260
From: Schweinfurt to Grafenwoehr all within 6 months LOL
Registered: May 2002

posted January 02, 2008 11:39 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for pidaua     Edit/Delete Message
SunChild,

You are so wonderfully brave to do what you have done. No matter how long it takes to break the cycle, just making the break shows strength. Your poor heart and soul must be reeling now.

You are NOT alone. I was in a relationship for almost two years with a man that was also prone to binge drinking followed by irrational anger and at times, physical abuse. It got worse when he started injecting steroids. There is NO shame in how long it takes to leave, we are all different and have different circumstance. The desire to save the person increases until we realize we are the ones that now need to be saved.

Our prayers are with you and your family.

pidaua

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MysticMelody
Knowflake

Posts: 3159
From:
Registered: Dec 2005

posted January 02, 2008 03:28 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for MysticMelody     Edit/Delete Message
Get the restraining order. Document everything you possibly can. If you aren't as tough as nails the law will hand your soft, innocent baby over to him saying his parents or whoever will supervise and his parents will trust him and think he would NEVER do anything to hurt her (and then leave him alone with her) and then you will end up a statistic. (And yes, he will hurt her if he is alone with her. Toddlers are very stressful and he doesn't have the same chemical feelings towards her that you have to help him out, and he also has impulse control problems.)
You can't be your loving, honest self here. You are fighting for your child's life. The law is set up to try to keep the man paying so the government/welfare doesn't have to financially support so many children. Men have lobbied that if they have to pay, they should have equal rights to the child. It makes sense in theory, but it works against you in cases like this. If you don't take every chance to document EVERYTHING, they will turn your tiny one over to him after he completes a worthless re-hab program and some forced AA sessions that won't change him a bit.
Harden your heart beautiful girl... (no, don't harden your heart, but put some armor on it temporarily). It's time to protect that baby.
Don't underestimate this battle up ahead. Be prepared.

With love and respect to you (I would totally read your "tips" ANY day),
and with deep caring for your tiny baby,
~ Melody

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26taurus
Knowflake

Posts: 12835
From: *
Registered: Jun 2004

posted January 02, 2008 06:03 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for 26taurus     Edit/Delete Message
You were born with that and more, SC. May you continue discovering and developing your many strengths. I'm so happy to hear you so happy and positive. And glad to know you have such a wonderful support system. You are blessed and such a bright Light. This is your time to soar. xoxo

p.s. Please take Melody's advice.

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Azalaksh
Moderator

Posts: 6157
From: New Brighton, MN, USA
Registered: Nov 2004

posted January 02, 2008 06:09 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Azalaksh     Edit/Delete Message
Mel is right, SunChild
Write down the events and "conversation" and everything exactly how it happened on New Years (if you haven't already related it in detail to the authorities). You never know when this History may come in handy. If you happen to have any contact/conversations with your (ex)partner, write all the details of those down too. You may think right now that that night will be burned into your brain forever, but we do heal from these things, and the details recede from memory
We (Melody and I and the rest of us) don't know your partner..... and even you don't know what he's capable of. You cannot let any remaining feelings for him, and hopes that he will do the right thing, outweigh your little one's safety.
I had it easy -- my son's father didn't want his name on our boy's birth certificate so he didn't have a leg to stand on if he ever wanted to try for custody or visitation.
Alcoholism is an illness. Until YOU ARE SATISFIED that your little one's father is in recovery -- no matter how harsh this sounds -- he should not be granted access. Sharpen your claws just in case, Mama Lion!!!
Short scary story: the daycare lady was off one day, so my son (about 6 months old at the time) stayed home with his father while I went to work. I came home, and apparently he didn't hear me come in, but I walked into the baby's room to see my ex "drop" our son about two feet into his crib.
Please err on the side of caution, SunChild
Your courage and positive outlook are fabulous and do you such credit, and show so plainly how your (ex) doesn't deserve a beautiful soul like you

**edited 8:05pm to add some content**

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