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Author Topic:   In Desparate Need of Help With Cancer Man
It's Just Me
Knowflake

Posts: 9
From: San Francisco, CA, USA
Registered: Jan 2008

posted January 17, 2008 02:04 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for It's Just Me     Edit/Delete Message
Hi everyone!

I am new to this board. I am scorp female and I have been dating a Cancer man. We have been dating a little over nine months. We have taken quite a few trips with one another. I have met many of his friends, his father, his siblings and his grandmother but not his mother! He has met all of my family. We spent the recent holidays with one another. He came over my familyís home on Christmas and spent half the day and we spent New Years Eve with each other. Our relationship has been going pretty well. With a couple of exceptions. We are not in an official relationship Ė boyfriend/girlfriend. We have agreed to only date and be intimate with one another and no one else. But he is reluctant to make it official- to label our relationship. He has shared stories about his past girlfriends who have either been crazy, cheated on him or just hurt him in some other kind of way. I think this has something to do when his reluctance. He tells me how much he cares about me and what a wonderful woman that he thinks I am Ė then why does he not want to fully commit? I know that he cares about me, he shows it but I just donít understand. Donít you guys think at 9 months we should have sealed the deal????

Another problem is that we had a little incident (with my body) on Friday night when we were intimate and something happened that he was not comfortable with. He brought it up this past Tuesday over the phone when he called me. He said that he was freaked out by what happened and as a result he has not really had a sex drive since Friday or at least has not had a desire to have sex, and he said that is very unlike him. I was really shocked b/c I felt he was overreacting over nothing. I told him that I thought it was normal and that he should not worry. We went back and forth for a little bit and then he attempted to change plans that we made for this Sunday, saying that he is unsure if he can still make it. I got a little upset b/c I felt very offended. I felt that he was making a big deal over nothing and shoving me off to the side. He then said that he would not tell me the next time that something makes him uncomfortable. And I told him that I do want him to be open with me, but that does notmean thatI have to agree with everything he says and vis versa. He assured me that he felt the same way about me and that his sex drive has just been affected for that moment and nothing in the relationship has changed. He then apologized for upsetting me. I told him it was okay and that I appreciated him being open I just did not agree with him.

Then, the next day (which is yesterday) he did not call. I called him twice which is very unusual for me. I know that he is the type who likes to pursue, so I rarely call him b/c he normally calls me everyday. Sometime he may skip a day , but he does most of the calling. But I was so freaked out by him not calling after we had the discussion. So needless to say, I am scared. I do not want to lose him. I have asked some of my friends their opinions about the situation. One of my friends said that it is typical for a Cancer man to just up and leave without a goodbye, to just disappear. But my other friends say that it is unlikely and he was probably just busy or went in his little Cancer shell for a little while since we had our little disagreement. What do you guys think? I just donít understand why he would not answer my phone calls. Do you think I should be worried? Other than this and his reluctance to fully commit, we have a really good relationship. We enjoy each otherís time and have a lot of fun when we are together. What can I do to get back on track with my Cancer??? Or, do you guys think that all hope is gone? HELP!!

Thanks so much!

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Geocosmic Valentine
Knowflake

Posts: 312
From: New York, NY
Registered: Sep 2007

posted January 17, 2008 03:02 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Geocosmic Valentine     Edit/Delete Message
Hi Just Me,

There are several huge and sensitive issues that have brought up here that has absolutely nothing to do with you being a Scorpio and him being a Cancer. Please take that in.

With the little bit of dime store psychology I've got and the hours of astrological consultations that I've done, I'm hearing you using some of your own great insight in one sentence about his fear of commitment and then you disregard your own discovery by asking us why he would be afraid. You explained it loud and clear before you even asked the question.

About the incident that happened between you both when you had sex, my thought is that just because it wasn't a big deal to you doesn't mean it wasn't a big deal to him. He might need some time to figure out that in the long run it isn't a big deal. It doesn't mean that you did something to make him uncomfortable on purpose, especially if it was something that is a natural bodily function, but not everyone is comfortable with every facet and nuance of sexual activity and it's results. Neither one of you should be shamed for your reactions. Hopefully he's open to learning, but he should be allowed to have likes and dislikes as well.

There are certain things that can happen during sexual intimacy that one person loves and another person would be traumatized for life by it. It is more common to hear stories about women needing to be gently ushered into experiences of sexual activity, we don't hear about it for men as much.

According to you, he used the words "freaked out" and your response was shock because you felt "he was overreacting over nothing."

The only other thing I can think of to tell you about this is that if you really like him and care about him. Ask him if you can re-open the conversation about this incident again and have a GENTLE DISCUSSION about it, where you both honor each other's feelings within the situation instead of one person accusing the other of over reacting, and the other person being made to possibly feel ashamed about a natural occurence or bodily function. Especially if he assured you that he still feels the same way about you.

You also may want to give him some time, yesterday and today to digest the subjects of your conversation. He really might need to put his mind on different subjects in order to get his sex drive back or to just move on to different subjects.

And I also want to say good for you for knowing that whatever occured was just a natural occurence. With some time, perhaps he can take your lead and realize the same thing. But if he doesn't, respect his decision not to have to feel wonderful about it. He has the right dislike certain things, just like women have the right to dislike certain things as well.

Just my two cents.

Good luck to you both,

Geocosmic Valentine
Professional Astrologer
geocosmicvalentine@yahoo.com
: www.myspace.com/geocosmicvalentine

------------------
"Everybody is a star!"
Sly & The Family Stone

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Isolaede
Knowflake

Posts: 350
From: Studio City, CA
Registered: Aug 2005

posted January 17, 2008 03:23 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Isolaede     Edit/Delete Message
Hi there:

You poor thing! Iím so sorry you are having these challenges with your Cancer. Let me try and put a few things into prospective for you which will hopefully help encourage you a bit.

As a Cancer myself, I do think his unwillingness to put himself in a relationship with you is a bit worrisome. Most Cancers I know are very quick to formalize things when they are sure of a relationship.

My beloved is a Cancer and I know for a fact that in previous relationships where he wouldnít declare he did so because he truly wasnít sure things would work out and wanted to ďtest the watersĒ a bit more. I personally have never done this more than a few weeks, but I know he had intimate relations with a girl for almost a year, while refusing to officially ďdateĒ her because there were things about her that worried him. She would regularly freak out emotionally and had embarrassed him in front of his friends a few times. So my initial reaction is that your man has some hesitations about committing to you fully. So, you may want to look deeply into your relationship and ask yourself if thereís anything that might cause him to worry.

Have you guys had big blow up fights before? Any public ones especially could really horrify him. Have you ever threatened to ďdumpĒ him? What is your financial situation like right now? If you donít have a job, or are struggling financially he might worry that a relationship would transfer those financial obligations to him (I know, I know itís SILLY but money is a big thing for Cancers and I think we tend to see financial instability in a potential partner as a threat to our security and wellbeing). Do YOU romance him? This is something I think Cancer men need more than most. Cook for him, buy him little gifts, and take him out to dinner. Do you baby him? Cancers need to be babied. Donít forget that. If heís sick, make him soup and tuck him into bed. If heís had a bad day, offer to take him out to dinner. In this way youíll show him you are able to support him as much as he does you.


If you are checking out ok on all of the above, then your guy is just a slower mover than usual. He may just be taking longer to test the waters with you. I think Cancers need to know with great certainty that things are going to be nice safe and cozy for them before they move into a relationship. I think they also yearn for true partners in life. Many men are happy with trophy wives/girlfriends that add little value other than their appearance. A Cancer man needs a woman that will roll up her sleeves, and work alongside him to make their lives stable and secure.

As for you intimacy issue - I have a strong feeling I may know what you are talking about, and if it is what I think it is this isnít the first time youíve had a partner that was surprised by it. I know it doesnít make it any easier, but people naturally fear what they donít understand. You may need to sit down with him and have a very candid discussion about what happened, clarifying what it is and is not. If possible, you may want to switch things up a bit for a time to minimize that kind of body reaction. He will probably need time to get used to it. I really donít think this is a Cancer thing- itís just a human thing. Just be glad heís honest enough to talk to you about it. I grantee you the intimacy issue will not break you relationship.

Based on what you said, I think your man is probably hiding in his shell because heís a bit bruised from your argument and needs to process things. Heís may be mulling over your desire to be in a relationship with him, and trying to decide what to do about it. I think he's also hurt over the way you reacted to his honest admission about your intamacy issues. If he decides he doesnít want a relationship with you, heíll tell you about it and THEN disappear. But now heís just thinking. Donít let yourself panic. Just give him a call periodically and let him know you are thinking of him, and canít wait to see him again. You might even consider appologizing for not listening to his concerns more. Even though heís not answering his phone, that doesnít mean he doesnít like to see your name on his caller ID. It reminds him that you care, and fills his little heart with warmth. Just be loving, and supportive, and wait to see how the cards fall.

I hope this helps give you some perspective and understanding. Please donít forget you are a Scorpio, and that automatically gives you a huge head start in the game of love with a Cancer.

I wish you the best of luck!

Kindest regards,

Isolaede

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It's Just Me
Knowflake

Posts: 9
From: San Francisco, CA, USA
Registered: Jan 2008

posted January 17, 2008 03:36 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for It's Just Me     Edit/Delete Message
Geocosmic:
Thank you so much for your feedback and I agree with what you are saying, completely. I think I just became so defensive I think I got a little too upset and misread what he was trying to say.

Isolaede:
We have only goten into one serious argument and that was when we took a trip to NYC. But that was in the privacy of our hotel room. I have never had an emotional outburst with him, I know better. Hahaha!
As far as babying him, I have not really done that. I have been there for him when he has needed me. I have been a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on for him. I have cooked for him but I do not do it on a regualr basis. In fact, I was planning on cooking for him this Sunday. And I am stable financially I have a career and a college degree. I dont know. I just hope that he calls and we will be able to get back on track! I just hope that this one iniciddent does not ruin our relationship.

Thank you guys so much for your advice - it is greatly appreciated!

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GypsyDancer1221
Knowflake

Posts: 96
From: Charlotte, NC, USA
Registered: Oct 2006

posted January 17, 2008 06:00 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for GypsyDancer1221     Edit/Delete Message
I can understand. I'm a Cancer, so I'll try to give you some insight although I have absolutely zero experience in the intimacy department so I can't help there. Lets see... he's been hurt before, so he's protecting himself by not officially claiming you as his partner so that, despite the fact that you agreed to date exclusively, he can't feel as bad if you cheat on him because you weren't "Technically" boyfriend/girlfriend. Or it's because he fears that once you DO become official that things will change which, if I know Scorpios as well as I think I do, is very unlikely. If anything you'll be MORE open with him once you become official, so he has nothing to worry about. Either way, it's a psychological defense mechanism. Another thing: Crabs walk sideways, correct? Well, that's what he's doing because he has no reason to claim you; there's no competition and no fear that you'll leave. Linda describes us Cancerians like that; we walk back and forth watching what we want and as soon as something threatens to take it away from us we lunge FORWARD and grab onto it with our pincers. Once we've done that, it's nearly impossible for us to let go. That may be why he's so hurt by his past girlfriends; he grabbed on with all he could and threw himself out there to be vulnerable, and he got hurt. Of course, he may ALSO be so psychologically downtrodden from these past crazy girlfriends that if something DOES threaten to take you from him, he doesn't want to be "official" because then it will hurt less when you "have" to leave. Therefore he might not act the way a healthy Crab would act if something were to threaten taking you from him; he may sigh and think to himself "woe is me; it's just fate" and return to his shell and mope until he feels better. I obviously don't know him, so I'm giving what ifs. Also, he might be embarrassed about insulting you; I know I would be if I insulted my Aquarian, and he's less sensitive I'll bet than Scorpios. I see two reasons that he wouldn't call or answer: he wants to cool down from your argument before he talks to you again, or he's like me and doesn't call, turns a cold shoulder, etc because he doesn't feel loved and wants YOU to pursue him. Since he's a Cancer male and you said he prefers pursuing, I don't know. I can't give much insight in this area either since I've never had a fight with my boyfriend. I wish I could help more and I hope that what I could offer IS of some asistence. Good luck and I hope everything turns out well for both of you! ^_^

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It's Just Me
Knowflake

Posts: 9
From: San Francisco, CA, USA
Registered: Jan 2008

posted January 17, 2008 06:36 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for It's Just Me     Edit/Delete Message
Thanks so much Gypsy for your "what ifs". Yes, I think he is just relucantant to be in a relationship b/c pf things that have happened in the past.

Guess what guys!?!? He called yaay!! I couldnt really talk b/c I am at work but at least I know that hope is not lost.

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bunnies
Knowflake

Posts: 33
From: U.K
Registered: Mar 2007

posted January 17, 2008 06:41 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for bunnies     Edit/Delete Message
Personally I think you are making the same mistake that a lot of us women make, in thinking that men like to be treated the way we like to be treated.
Apparently they don't.
If you have read the Men are from Mars blah, then he has gone into his cave.
Do not follow him in or shout to him from outside.
Just leave him in there. He will come out when he is ready.
Act as if nothing has happened and stop anguishing.
And please don't baby him. He sounds like he needs less of that and more of a swift kick up the backside.
Sorry to sound harsh but the less you fuss over men the happier they are.
Trust me when he's ready for sex again he will be on the phone.
And anyway what the hell did you do that's so wrong?
Do you want to spend the rest of your life worrying about offending him? Just laugh it off and tell him to get over himself.


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It's Just Me
Knowflake

Posts: 9
From: San Francisco, CA, USA
Registered: Jan 2008

posted January 17, 2008 07:57 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for It's Just Me     Edit/Delete Message
Bunnies,
Well this maybe too much information to put on the post but I bleed a little. It was not that time of the month - it just
happened. It didnt offend him he just got "freaked out". And Yes I have not babied him too much b/c it does not appear that he likes to be babied. Besides, I try to hold back a little since we are not in a "relationship". Well I guess we will see what happens. Thank so much for the advice.

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bunnies
Knowflake

Posts: 33
From: U.K
Registered: Mar 2007

posted January 18, 2008 09:24 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for bunnies     Edit/Delete Message
Er...run that by me again?
You have been exclusively seeing one another for 9 months, spent Xmas together, met each others families,except his mother...(alarm bells) are having sex but you are not in a relationship??
Now I don't know how you do things in the States but in England we would call that being in a relationship.
Is it that different across the pond?
I think that you sound an absolute sweetie.
To be honest, the problem you had which freaked him out? Well my mind had gone off at a complete tangent and it certainly wasn't that.
I was thinking more along the (admittedly highly embarrassing) but totally unavoidable thing that happens when air gets where it shouldn't during sex and one gets the accompanying sounds of the New York Philharmonic Orchestra trombone and French horn section.
Shall I tell you what I think the time scale will be before this guy offers you committment?
Somewhere between never and the moment years down the line when you realise your life has been spent "in the meantime" and you leave him. Then he will want you.
Set a time scale for yourself. Give him exactly the year (you do not even need to mention this to him).
If nothing has changed, which it's a safe bet it wont have, then tell him you are off to find the sort of lucky person who deserves a gem like you.
Trust me there is somebody out there who won't believe his luck that he found you.
And start a subtle withdrawal now.....let's see if he even notices..

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cancerrg
Knowflake

Posts: 2582
From:
Registered: Dec 2004

posted January 18, 2008 11:42 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for cancerrg     Edit/Delete Message
i am kind tired ! so i'll just suggest check the some previous pages in here - soul union - there are so many threads on cancer man !
you may try - cancer man/ scorp woman by celtifyre .

shall try to help next time .

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It's Just Me
Knowflake

Posts: 9
From: San Francisco, CA, USA
Registered: Jan 2008

posted January 18, 2008 12:18 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for It's Just Me     Edit/Delete Message
Bunnies,
Yes I have already set a timeline in my head. I told myself if he does not fully commit by the end of April, I am out the door. But it is so weird. Yes, it does sound like we are in a relationship...its almost as if he just does not want to say it. He gets so jealous sometimes and perinoid, espcially over my ex (who is trying to get back with me). Hmm....maybe I should start to use that to my advantage. Hmmmm....

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bunnies
Knowflake

Posts: 33
From: U.K
Registered: Mar 2007

posted January 18, 2008 12:58 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for bunnies     Edit/Delete Message
Well I am not a great advocate of game playing only because that was all I did in my younger days and it got me nowhere fast.
I think if you are going to have a real relationship it has to be built on the right foundations. I find the fact that he gets paranoid about your ex a bit rich, when he wont even admit you are in a relationship with him so perhaps next time he does, just say ever so sweetly "Does this mean you and I are in a relationship?
And if he goes all "Hmmmphhh"
Then just say "Well if we're not, I rather resent your paranoia and I would request that you keep your jealous tendencies to yourself"
Come on your'e a Scorp. They secretly love cutting people off at the knees!
And if you really want to keep him, dump him.
Oh if only you young'uns could know how well this makes them desire you all the more.
Men are hunters see. I am afraid a couple of hundred years of civilized behaviour cannot override millions of years of evolution.
This man likes to chase you said?
Then run my dear and give him something TO chase!!

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It's Just Me
Knowflake

Posts: 9
From: San Francisco, CA, USA
Registered: Jan 2008

posted January 18, 2008 01:02 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for It's Just Me     Edit/Delete Message
Bunnies,

I hate to admit it but you are sooo right! I am going to have to think about if I still want to wait it out until April or make my exit earlier.

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Isolaede
Knowflake

Posts: 350
From: Studio City, CA
Registered: Aug 2005

posted January 18, 2008 01:11 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Isolaede     Edit/Delete Message
Hi lady:

It sounds like you are a wonderful partner to your crab. Heíd be a fool if he didnít keep you.

How do you get along with his family, and more importantly his mother?

And the intimacy thing wasn't what I thought at all. hehe. I think that happens to every girl. I know my birth control tends to give me some erratic moments in my monthly cycle. But the sight of blood does definitely freak guys out. My fiancť and I have talked about it. I always let him know when I'm questionable down there ahead of time. That way if he wants to precede itís his call. So I think you and your guy should have a rational and candid discussion about it. Tell him why it happens, why itís unpredictable, apologize for last time, and let him know youíll give him a heads up in the future if you think thereís a chance for mess.

If you want to keep this man I strongly advise against playing with his insecurities. Nothing will drive a cancer away from you faster. Remember the importance we place on feeling safe and secure in relationships. If you try making him jealous he'll walk out of your life without a backwards glance.

Just take the fact that he IS insecure as a sign of how much he values you. And do everything you can to help his fears.

Iím just full of advice here. I hope Iím not coming across as preachy. I always love seeing Scorpio / Cancer matchups - I think itís one of the more beautiful couplings possible, and as such Iíd really love to see you two work.

Best wishes,

Isolaede

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It's Just Me
Knowflake

Posts: 9
From: San Francisco, CA, USA
Registered: Jan 2008

posted January 18, 2008 01:56 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for It's Just Me     Edit/Delete Message
Isolaede,

The thing is I have not met his mother, yet. Hmph! I have met the majority of his friends, his grandmother, his siblings and his father. I get along really well them all. Um...I dont know its so crazy! I dont get him. He always tells me how much he cares about me and how special I am to him and how he thinks I am such a good woman...but he will not commit! He does all these nice things for me. He is always taking me places...buying me nice things, calling me, wants to spend time with me...but he will not commit! It's just so irritating.

I think I will have to walk eventually or at least begin to distance myself before he gets it together, and both will be hard to do.

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Geocosmic Valentine
Knowflake

Posts: 312
From: New York, NY
Registered: Sep 2007

posted January 18, 2008 02:03 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Geocosmic Valentine     Edit/Delete Message
I agree with Isolaede,

One of the first things you mentioned is that he was soooooo hurt in the past by these, shall we say, eccentric ex-girlfriends. Part of why he won't say the word "RELATIONSHIP" is because he's afraid of being hurt and if he even smells that this is a possibility, he will retreat so far into his shell while snapping his claws, I believe he will end it. If you haven't told him, he may already sense that your ex is trying to get back together with you.

If I were counseling him I would say to him, "If you are so afraid of being hurt by women, how can you stop attracting women to yourself who always have someone else waiting in the wings for them?"

That's his biggest fear, that's why he won't label your relationship as what it is, a relationship.

Just another 2 cents.

Geocosmic Valentine

------------------
"Everybody is a star!"
Sly & The Family Stone

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bunnies
Knowflake

Posts: 33
From: U.K
Registered: Mar 2007

posted January 18, 2008 03:00 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for bunnies     Edit/Delete Message
It's just me.
Read the thread from Mamma Mia re who you have in your front row.
I think it sums it up quite nicely.

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Mama Mia
Knowflake

Posts: 2171
From:
Registered: Jun 2005

posted January 18, 2008 03:24 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Mama Mia     Edit/Delete Message
To bring a Cancer man back from a past hurt or two is some hard work and my hat is off to any woman that wants to try let alone if she can do it..Damaged Cancer men are a piece of work..

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It's Just Me
Knowflake

Posts: 9
From: San Francisco, CA, USA
Registered: Jan 2008

posted January 18, 2008 03:36 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for It's Just Me     Edit/Delete Message
Bunnies,

I just read Mama's thread. This is where it gets tricky...b/c I do not feel as though he is pulling me down or like he is a weight. In fact, he is the opposite. He brings me such joy and hapiness. When I am in a bad mood and I speak with him or see him I forget my troubles. Like I have said we never argue. Perhaps, that is why this recent argument/disagreement threw me for such a loop. I am so happy with him. I know that I cannot and will not wait for ever..I deserve more. I am not sure if this makes sense. And this is why I say it will be hard if I find myself having to walk away...b/c he is such a positive influence in my life.

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bunnies
Knowflake

Posts: 33
From: U.K
Registered: Mar 2007

posted January 18, 2008 03:53 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for bunnies     Edit/Delete Message
Then just relax and let go and dont worry.
Sometimes all you have to do is change your perspective.
If you are truly happy just let it evolve as it will.
I know how difficult it is not to try to hurry things along or want to know where we are heading.
Perhaps this is one of those times to just be in the moment.
Good luck sweetie and strange as it may sound just enjoy the insecurity of it all.
Your days will never be dull!!

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It's Just Me
Knowflake

Posts: 9
From: San Francisco, CA, USA
Registered: Jan 2008

posted January 22, 2008 12:06 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for It's Just Me     Edit/Delete Message
Bunnies,

Well you were right about my days never being dull....

He called me on Saturday we had a pretty good conversation, but we did not see each other like we planned on Sunday. He did not call on Sunday or Monday. I thought that he would have called yesterday, but he didnt. Maybe he is still contempalting over what happened. But I just dont see how it could STILL be bothering him and to this existent.

What do you guys think I should do? I just feel the more that he stays in this shell, thinking about what happened (no doubt thinking negatively) the more distance it will cause. What can I do (if anything )to counter act this? What do you guys think?

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