posted June 11, 2008 01:29 PM            

"he wanted to see me b/c he missed me and wanted to talk but he also missed being initmate with me as well as spending time with me and laughing with me."

sometimes u need to be with someone physically coz u feel comforted...i'm not saying he's right in asking for it...it is a little selfish to expect someone to be with you when you're down n out...especially after u've broken off and you know he/she is hurting...but it was'nt just coz he was horny...

what you've done, according to me is the right thing! ....i wud not want to dilly dally things with a man who is not sure about me...that wud only end up in a bigger mess if he does not love me..

on the other hand if he does love you, he'll miss you not being around and eventually realise what exactly are his own feelings for you...

posted June 11, 2008 08:27 PM              

I liked what you said about God.

It's great to hear you clearly expressed what you want for yourself, this can be so hard to do.

The ball is now in his court, I don't see much else to be done at this point.

The truth will come out, it always does.

posted June 12, 2008 12:35 PM              

Lavlee – I know that he was completely taken aback by my “conditions”. But I feel that I have to set these boundaries for two reasons. First and foremost for myself. I take being intimate extremely seriously and like I said before, I cannot and do not want to have to separate being intimate from my emotions. So, if we were to become intimate and if nothing changed, I would just be setting myself up to be hurt. Secondly, if there is any hope for us getting back together and having a healthy relationship, I feel that this is the best way to go about doing it. I want to create a strong foundation, before we start being intimate again. I understand why he was disappointed, but it is what I have to do.

Aphrodite – thanks for the feed back

Let ther b – How long have you known your Cancer? Have you guys established anything concrete?

posted June 12, 2008 07:28 PM              

I have lost track of your story, but has has he given you any reason or evidence that he is worth all that. Or rather, do YOU think he is worth going through this frustration and emotional turmoil?

I am not saying that guys should be scored and given black or gold start based on the things they do, we all mess up, BUT somewhere, somehow one has to draw the line, I think...

posted June 12, 2008 08:16 PM              

Well, I had begun to let go and then he started calling like a crazed maniac and I got sucked back in. I avoided him like the plague at first. He called, texted and tried to see me on numerous other occasions, but I really did not bite. But somewhere along the way I got sucked back in. The reason why I got sucked in is b/c he was so darn persistent and he is a fantastic man! I have never been as happy with anyone else as I am with him. That is not to say that I possibly cannot find that type of connection with anyone else. I firmly believe that God has an awesome mate out there for me (if it is not him). But I think it just takes time to fully let go and it is even harder when the other person is blowing your phone up. Also, I know when he is good he is fabulous. But I do realize that he is not acting fabulous right now.

posted June 12, 2008 09:16 PM              

I agree with what Lavlee and MysticMelody said; in fact, I was going to say the same things before I had read them. Lemme reiterate for you here for reference.

Lavlee:

quote:

---

Maybe he really missed you and did want to be intimate and cuddle with you, possibly wind up making love, but that wasn't his motive.

Then got confused cause it sounded like you have all these conditions now.

If he really cares for you he will put up with it but try softening up a little and go with the emotional connections he is trying to say he needs your love.

---

MysticMelody:

quote:

---

... doesn't mean that you should not set boundaries or let him know that you need a little time to get emotionally and mentally closer again before you choose to also get physically closer... it just means you don't have to distrust his motives to that extreme.

---

I think that by that "conditions" conversation you had basically scared him a bit. I feel like he has again finally mustered enough courage to approach you at least one last time.

I really don't think that he's playing games; I think that apart from having work interfering and all, he just might be a bit shy when it comes to revealing his feelings when he doesn't know exactly how you feel towards him.

I'm like that as well. When I'm not sure, I just probe and prod and may lay off all communication for a few days to not seem "needy" or "too eager", because I've driven off my share of women like that.

So, try to go easy on him, mkay? Boundaries are totally important, but letting him know where the proverbial door is, what it looks like, and what he might find when he finally manages to open it, may be at least just as important.

GOOD LUCK!!

posted June 13, 2008 04:09 AM            

i like the way u put it yaosers!

"He said that he would call me the next day which was yesterday but I did not hear form him."
well i guess maybe he feels a little neglected/ rejected, even though you did not mean to make him feel that way. and even though he was the one who was confused and not comitting. i know this b'coz the last time i went out with the cancer i liked, i messaged him the next day telling him we shud be 'just frnds' coz he was/is not at a stage where he is ready to commit or rather he does not want to commit. and i'm the kinds who cannot compartmentalise feelings/emotions and the physical aspect. it goes hand in hand fr me. so i was a wreck the day after i met him and got close to him coz i knew he'd be gone and wont really have the time to think of me..so when i messaged him that he did not message back for the entire day. i was crying my eyes out and he did not know it! a common friend of ours who is really close to me asked me to call him so i'd be at peace. so i call him and ask him 'did you get my message?' and he said 'yes i did but was busy with various things' and he sounded really put off. hangs up in a hurry coz some of his family was around....he then messages me before leaving saying that he thinks i did that coz our common friend asked me to but anyways respects my decision. i told him that the dec was my own and not colored by anyone else's opinions and was purely coz i knew things cud not work out and that i was not able to handle being wit someone oneday and forgetting him the next day..

"How long have you known your Cancer? Have you guys established anything concrete?"
know him fr the past coupla years but he's abroad so dont meet often unless he comes down. in touch via the net tho....and as you've prolly figured from the story...nothing concrete ...cant expect it..we are at different stages in life. i want to or rather feel i should settle down. and he will not be ready for that for sometime i guess..

"He called me at work a little while ago. He reiterated that he wanted to talk to me in person about our relationship."
if it(the relationship)/you did not mean anything to him, he wud not bother...he just has not been able to figure out his own feelings fr you...thats the impression i get..i really thinks he likes you..i cud be wrong, but thats wat i think..

posted June 13, 2008 02:34 PM              

Let ther,

Good luck with your situation. I know how hard these things can be. Hang in there, be smart and stay strong!

posted June 16, 2008 11:50 AM              

Well this weekend was extremely interesting. The Cancer came over on Saturday night. As soon as he got to my apartment, he began this long explanation as to why he “cant” be in a relationship. He goes on to tell me how much he loves, respects and appreciates me but that he has so many issues that he has to work out. He said that his sensitivity and innate tendency to sulk and get depressed is an issue that he needs to get over. He also gets really snappy when things do not go his way. He said that he wants to work on these flaws. He said that he knows if we were to be in a relationship right now he might say or do something that would ultimately drive me away forever and that is why he is doing this. He said that many of his past relationships have ended very badly b/c of this and he does not want the same thing to happen with him and I. He just kept looking in my eyes with this intensity, saying that he loves and respects me. He said how much he trusts me. Then he made a weird comment, “once I can give all of myself I will come back.” But the thing is - I am not going to wait around on him. And I let him know that. He did the majority of the talking. I really did not have much to say. I suppose the reason for him saying all of this stuff is b/c he wants for me to wait for him. He never really came out and said it – but that is the feeling that I got. I do believe that he loves and respects me, but there is so much more to sustain a relationship. He told me that sometimes he is intimidated by me b/c I am getting my masters and my career in order and he is almost 30 and still trying to figure his way out.

Ohhh and guys I slipped up! He spent the night. Throughout the night he tried to kiss me a few times but I said no. But then he caught me early in the morning at like 5am and I gave in. At first, I felt kind of bad that I went back on the boundary that I set.

posted June 16, 2008 01:52 PM            

I feel the same way he does about relationships... afraid of failure and wanting so much to do things "right". Maybe it's my first house moon, since he is a Cancer. I don't know. It's a Capricorn moon, so I always expect perfection from myself.

He has the best intentions. If you end up not wanting to wait for him then it is for the best. He should be with someone who thinks he is worth it.

Of course, this waiting until he has what it takes to offer you what he most wants to offer you (his best, most put together self) can go too far. (Think Scrooge in Dickens "A Christmas Carol" who let his woman grow old and gray waiting for him to feel satisfied that he done what was right to protect their future.)

People are so flawed.

Everything will be ok. It's such an adventure, isn't it?

posted June 16, 2008 03:07 PM              

I think that it wasn't necessarily a bad thing that you backup up on your boundary thing. I think it would give him the courage and reason (beyond whatever reasons he already has) to work on his flaws.

Besides, it felt really good for you, didn't it? Now, I don't necessarily think that hedonism is always a good thing, but in this case, I think that little bit you granted yourself was pretty healthy.

But, who am I to judge.

At this point, I believe that only good things can happen. If nothing happens with him, then somebody else would come along and your burden would be alleviated. If he does come to, and comes for you, then you'd be happy.

posted June 16, 2008 04:06 PM            

I read this post and I liked your stance on not being intimate until you are in a committed relationship because your committment was to wait on God to send you the right man who will respect you and not try to take advantage of you. I am in the same situation with my scorpio boyfriend.

At the beginning of your post, I was really feeling sorry for the guy. I could kind of relate to him. But now...

Just Me, this may sound harsh, and I don't mean to come off this way. But imho, the crab took unfair advantage of you. You were weak and he knew it. Ok, it was nice while the love-making was happening, but then you felt bad because he actually got what he wanted and you didn't.

Ok, back to square one. No intimacy without committment. Stick with it. He couldn't have that part of you previously without a committment, right? He knew that. What changed? I'll tell you what changed...you and he had already been intimate. The closeness was already there. You were remembering the committment you had with him before.

Yes, it sounds nice that cancer men don't ordinarily have intimacy without truly loving the woman, and I'm sure this is the case with you two. He still loves you (but doesn't have the energy, confidence, whatever, to commit?).

I'm sorry to sound so harsh, but I think that explains why he HAD to SEE you. It was to get in your presence. If he had broke up with you over the phone saying all the things he said to you in person, you could detach easier. In person, a whole different dynamic is going on, and even though he is saying the same thing in your face about breaking up with you, you can't detach as easily. His eyes, his touch, his smell, his smile, his live presence is influencing you profoundly.

If all you want from him is "maintenance sex" then I say go for it, because he doesn't DESERVE your feelings AND your body. That's TOO much. Don't sell yourself short. You are too valuable and he needs to REMEMBER that.

posted June 16, 2008 04:13 PM              

quote:

---

Just Me, this may sound harsh, and I don't mean to come off this way. But imho, the crab took unfair advantage of you. You were weak and he knew it. Ok, it was nice while the love-making was happening, but then you felt bad because he actually got what he wanted and you didn't.

---

Wait, what? There was love-making involved? Hmm... If that's the case, then I retract my earlier statement.

posted June 16, 2008 08:34 PM              

Good luck and hopefully you get some peace and clarity.

Mercury RX is almost over right?

posted June 17, 2008 11:56 AM              

I realize that you are not judging me. I understand that you are trying to provide me with helpful and positive constructive advice and I greatly appreciate it!

posted December 20, 2008 07:34 PM              

I wouldn't say he JUST wanted sex. He told you about the things he missed. But he resents the idea of being 'roped' in to something in order to enjoy the perks of being with you. To him, commitment is a big freakin deal to end all big freakin deals. To gals like us, it's just about respect and giving one person your all to see if it can work.