posted October 01, 2008 09:50 PM         

love n peace

-Gooober

posted October 01, 2008 10:06 PM         

http://www.astro.com/cgi/showgif.cgi?lang=e&gif =astro_2gw_01_lubaina_c.8148.21837.gif&res=100&va=&cid=2u7fileMN8ptQ-u1215651805

posted October 01, 2008 10:26 PM         

mine:

his:

posted October 07, 2008 01:18 AM         

Have you expressed your feelings,
and your reactions to his expressed feelings?

Why OH Why don't people COMMUNICATE?!

Why do people come to these message boards for advice,
and share their feelings with everyone BUT the one person they should be talking to?!?!

Of course you are going to lose him if you dont communicate!

posted October 07, 2008 08:52 AM         

Logic says if he really wanted to be with her. He would be.
But logic goes out the window in these cases.

Gooober this is what Steve Gunn wrote about "runners":

" I hear so many times about how freewill is overriding the connection but its not always just that; its some inner knowing they have that they aren't ready but one day they will be. Often the runner is more confused by these immensely strong and diverse urges than the poor person trying to make sense of what is clearly a form of insanity.....

It's why i say to people that its often better to understand that dynamics of a situation than what he or she is thinking / feeling right now, because their compass is whirling in circles, and any reading based on where they are is not an indication of what's going to happen. Unfortunately that doesn't stop some people projecting the runners present state into a "prediction" ( i'll just put some more """"" around that ) , hence you can get wildly varying answers depending on who you talk to...

It's going through this process that you will find out one of the big secrets of soul connections; and this is...... Logic won't give you answers...
The "If they loved me they would be with me" is as insane as what they're going through..

It's part of the process that usually involves spending the savings on keen to get many different answers, finding out that friends are totally sick of hearing about it and want you to forget the person, and yet that voice inside that's tearing at you just won't quiet.....

This is all part of the learning on the side of the "stayer", often pushing us deeper into true understanding of the human condition, with its complex love, fear, insecurity issues. On the metaphysical front it shows us the true power of the universe when she wants something, and that all the logic in the world does not make sense in situations like these....

What drives us forward is that inner knowing that just won't go away, and when we can begin to understand there are powers at work much greater than we have previously understood - but that their laws are different to what we know, then we begin to make progress"

For me the best thing to do was just to let the situation be and understand that this is where I am at with him at this very moment, and perhaps that will change tomorrow but I accept today as it is. I think we have gotten so far away from living in the moment in this day in age that we are always trying to examine the past so that we can know the future as if everything in life should follow the same dynamics, the same linear path. And if it doesn't our ego tells us something is terribly wrong. And all the while, we miss how great life is right now in this moment.
For instance today is a beautiful day. I have a great job a great condo, good friends and family. I am healthy and all my needs are met and alot of my wants. Why can I not be happy today, right now?
I know somewhere somehow, some day. He will be back, and until then I want to go through my transition, my change, and my inner progression as fully commited on every level that I can so that I can do what I came here to do and somehow I know that has a profound connection to him in the end.

posted October 08, 2008 12:18 PM         

and oneruledbymars..you spoke to my heart. i do think he's fighting against being with me than anything else. it's like he's almost afraid to find out what will happen if he gets too close.i do believe we are supposed to be together in this lifetime. it's this unshakeable feeling of..knowing. maybe right now, we're going through the growing pains, because my heart feels like it is hurting.. it's a pain i've never experienced.
but as linda said.. we may fight all we want against our joint destiny, but that which God had joined together let no man put asunder..

love n peace

-Gooober

posted October 09, 2008 03:15 PM         

oh well, im letting him go. Its hard, not easy but i will get through this pain.

posted October 10, 2008 09:15 AM         

Would you like to share the story SparklingSag?

posted October 10, 2008 12:00 PM         

The short story is...we were lovers before he went abroad for a year and cooled it off because he was going to Mexico and im in UK. We kept in touch on and off but i let him be free as im a saggie/leo moon so understand freedom and like my own independence.

He suprises me and comes back in July, we spend hours together talking catching up, getting to know each other again.

Then he comes back to college/uni and first thing he does when he arrives is to ask me out for dinner. I suggest pizza places cause am unsure what he is thinking but he takes me to a beautiful intimate italian place and pays for the meal. We spend all weekend together and its lovely and soft.

Then his guy friends come back to and he suddenly changes and becomes distant but we've been working on a project together so he comes up to my office where i work (ive just started a full time position after graduating at the university) and he charms my colleagues and is lovely to them and to me.

Then on the weekend, (aware that everyone thinks something is happening between us) he flirts with other women in front of me, gets their phone numbers. I was feeling humiliated and not very happy with this. i tried to talk to him ; he is happy to confide his intimate thoughts yet will turn his back too.

so it comes to a head when his friends tell me i should stay with him and have a chat so i go back to his apartment.

To which he becomes so cold and tells me has never been interested, has no feelings for me. Who pressured me into coming to talk to him. he said im a great girl (hey im a woman actually!) and that he likes the connection we have and things we have in common.

Then he let me walk home alone at 4am in the morning.

so yeah, not impressed. He says one thing and does another.

I deserve better

posted October 12, 2008 10:33 AM         

A. Keep your word impeccable
B. Do not make assumptions
C. Do not take anything personal
D. Do your best

Its amazing how well those 4 agreements have helped me center my life and stay focused despite all the little obstacles along the way.

posted October 12, 2008 04:17 PM         

oneruledbymars, Great comments!
I think you were "plugged in" when you wrote that first post; inspired and dropping wisdom.
I'll have to keep an eye out for your posts from now on. God Bless.

SparklingSag,

posted October 12, 2008 09:05 PM         

So say hello to your new friend! lol

posted October 13, 2008 12:02 PM         

Not at all.

>I guess that's how it goes sometimes when I am "plugged in".

As it should.

>(I liked the way you put that).

Thanks! Me too.

>I have admired yours from a far as well,
so that compliment is humbly recieved.

Oh?

>So say hello to your new friend! lol

posted October 14, 2008 01:20 AM         

HSC, i did make an honest effort at communication and it was one of the hardest things i've ever done.it was not so hard for me before,i used to be this let's talk about what's going on and i dont like playing games kind of girl.but now,often i'm too scared..
you know i met my ex husband at a basketball game when i was 16 and married him when i was 18.in fact there are many posts around lindaland about me and him,even one that i found just the other day in which i profess my elation at eloping with him.when we were married sometimes when he was sleeping i used to lie awake and just look at him..and i used to feel this intense love swell up within me till there was a lump in my throat i couldn't swallow (linda really did know how to put emotions to words).and i used to think to myself, i love him so ******* much, what will i ever do, if someday he's not there?what will i do if someday i wake up and he's not there next to me?and this horrible feeling of terror would clutch at my whole being and i would hold him closer just to make sure...and i had good reasons for my fears, his family really didnt want us to be together and did everything in their power to make sure we werent.his mom (among others in his family, but especially her) was hell bent on making me subject to the most awful forms of black magic,and i suffered so much for that...i saw the man i loved suffer with me as well, it was so so so hard,but i fought back with as much diligence as i could..i held on to my love with a fervor i didnt even know i could feel.it just kept on getting harder and he kept on drifting away from me..no matter how hard i held on,at the end of the day it takes two to tango.and then my worst nightmare came alive right before my eyes. i woke up, and he wasnt there next to me.i called him,but he didnt wanna talk.i begged i pleaded,i screamed,i yelled,i cajoled,i begged some more..it got me nowhere.during our separation sometimes i'd dream that he'd come back and wake up and get horribly depressed.it was like my soul being torn into two.and no matter what happened i refused to give up on him.but he avoided me like the plague.all i wanted was his arms around me, but he didnt wanna come close enough to touch me.i dont think there are words to describe the kind of pain that i felt.and after months of this kind of sadistic-masochistic games i finally understood that i cant force someone who doesnt wanna be with me..to be with me.he was done with the marriage,and i had to realize it too.during this time the one person who made me feel sane was mr cappy. he was there for me when i needed someone the most.he made me feel like it was not all my fault (which deep deep down i truly believed).he made me feel loved...but the timing was so wrong,i was just getting divorced,i had lost myself in my ex husband, and had to have some space...so we ended up being just friends,and as time went by,i tried to put myself together.you see, i had given so much of myself to my ex,i didnt know where i began and he ended.i was torn apart.on the surface i dealt with it.inside i crashed and burned a million times.hell i sometimes wonder if i am me even now.my life now seems surreal and my marriage which is long over seems too real..and then there is the pain which i guess i'm addicted to.
through this whole turmoil one fine night, i had a dream about mr cappy..and for the life of me,i cant remember what it was to this day, but i remember that it was in that dream that i learned to love again.it was in that dream that through my haze of confusion, i saw the one person who was my salvation.i called him that very day and told him in somewhat cryptic terms about my dream; he said he had moved on, i said i understood,and i knew he was lying.sure enough,after two years of denying what we were,we somehow just fell into each other. and when he held me...whenever he holds me, i feel my past slipping away.i feel the layers of pain slipping away and i feel happy and beautiful and loved.he made me come to life again and he is the only person who if i'm with,i can dream again,i feel sane again,i feel like i've found bits and pieces of myself and they are coming together very slowly.
and now with all that is happening,i dont know what to feel anymore.

wow,that was a loooong post.i realize i'm coming off as a bit of a freak here,but i know you guys understand that i'm just going through a hard time.thanks for listening guys, and thank you for all your kind words sparklingsag,HSC,oneruledbymars and unmoved for your compassion

love n peace

-Gooober

posted October 14, 2008 04:52 AM         

thanks for your kind words. Indeed, he ran, ran very fast! We haven't spoken apart from when i bumped into him. I was polite. I saw one of his guy friends out and said something about them insisting i stay and talk to the guy. His friend was horrible and just said no one forced you to stay, was not particulary nice. whatever, ive had enough of the guy and his group.

I deserve better! but am feeling a bit lonely but i guess in order to change something or a pattern it takes some time.

posted October 14, 2008 06:15 AM         

I dont know what to say... I'm humbled by your vulnerability, and there is nothing I can say that is as real, nothing that can touch the depth of the emotions you shared here. I just sit quietly and wait for something worthy of what you have given us, but nothing comes. Still, I want to say something that will bring you some comfort, however small. So, I think of God the Artist, and how his chisel can be ruthless, in wresting from us all that we thought belonged to us, or should have belonged to us... but it is only to carve out a space of greater width and depth within the soul, so we may contain more of all that is human and divine. And it is plain to see that God has burnt and carved a great hollow in your breast, so as to render it a strong and suitable vessel, fit to contain the very hottest and brightest coals of His love. I only hope someday to find, within my lover, and within myself, the kind of love that you have testified to here. Thank you for rekindling the flame of that holy desire in me. God Bless, and may you find the love and peace that is, even now, devotedly in search of you.

posted October 14, 2008 10:23 AM         

I feel all those things Gooober, I have felt layers of pain slipping away from me the past 6 months, I have always felt happy but now I feel elated sometimes, I dream again, beautiful dreams, dreams of him and I traveling the world together and exploring sacred places together, and slowly but surely I feel all the pieces of myself coming together and I see myself becoming whole again. And you know what is so amazing is that I can see myself with or with out him. And in both situations the outcome for me is that I am happy and satisfied.
My Cappy told me, (actually he never told me, I dreamed it and then I forced it out of one of our mutual friends) the same thing yours did. Except he had already started dating the other guy. He never could bring himself to voice the words to me. He did tell me one day though.

We were "just friends" for about 2 months after we stopped having sex. (He said he was confused about his feelings for me 9 months into our relationship, after he had told me he loved me, that he had never felt this way about another man, that I was the man that he thought he would never find.... blah, blah, blah, I seriously cannot tell you how wonderful and sweet he was for those 9 months, I was really thinking to myself how much of this is my Pisces Venus and Mercury and how much of this is actually him. And so much of it was him. I had rules I had made to myself about him, I would try to never take the things he did to me personally, and I would never assume anything that he did not tell me, and I would always be honest and faithful to him and that I would do my best the be the best man I could be independantly of him, (Leave no dream unturned" is my philosophy), and it worked until he started telling me everything that I ever wanted to hear someone tell me, and he treated me better than anyone had every treated me and we won't even talk about the sex, lol. (hell we have done this a thousand times he better know wassup by now, lol) At any rate I fell for him hook line and sinker. And I felt like I was alive again, it was and still is wierd to think about about the profound change I went through those 9 mos were amazing. And oh my god did I tell you he is gorgeous, no seriously he was a male runway model from age 18-22 and travel around the world doing shows. He has the most amazing blue eyes, you can almost see his PIscean moon in there glow.
I remember waking up one morning asleep on his chest and looking up into his face and he was staring off, and I remember thinking what did I do to deserve this man and how am I going to be able to keep him? , lol
Anyway he said 9 months into all this "wonderfulness" , lol , He said that emotion that he "felt" for me were the "left over feelings from his anger at his ex", and that he was sorry he "rushed things between us" I said "OK". Well when you figure out what it is you let me know, I gave a big hug and we sat on the couch and hung out all night I was hurt but I didnt show it I was sweet about it, I told him I wanted him have space to think about it we kissed and I left. Then maybe like 3 weeks later he calls me and and asked me to come see him that he wanted to talk to me and I was like wow, this is it and when I got there we hung out and held each other all that night it was very intimate, but I would not have sex with him and I left that next morning and took all my things and he let me go. And that was that, no more sex, not from me at least, he tried and I am sure there were some moments when I tempted him heartlessly, (my Venus is exactly conjunct his Moon in Pisces and his Mars trines my Venus and sextiles my Mars). At any rate this was 2 months later and we were celebrating Memorial Day, and I came up. (we live 3 hrs apart) and he didnt show up until the 3rd day and he gave me a look that made my heart sink. I knew why I had not heard from him. And all that day he kept trying to be next to me, and he would make conversation with me, and I would give into that moment and be the charming man he loved, we talked about my career and his and life, and he never once mentioned the other guy, and I almost felt like I could smell other guys cologne on him but that was probably just me being dramatic, (its not like I can help it my midheaven is in Leo, lol ) I never let him see that I was hurting and that I knew that he was with someone I made him think I was fine, and that I was strong, and I am strong its just sometimes the kind of energy that that man pulls from me makes me feel like I am going to fall to my knees at any minute when its running through me..... . It is times like that Gooober when I rely on the Divine. I center myself and live in the moment and I allow myself the experience but I know what is going on. I know this man is my twin soul and I know that there is nothing he can do to stop that. "What God has yoked together, let no man put asunder" right? Well if you believe that then you must believe that he will come back to you. That he cannot deny your love, and if he does? Well then that is what was meant to happen this time around, keep walking and living in the moment I am sure what you have been denied on the physical level will be rewarded to you on the spiritual level when you accept the refining process, fire burns and burns are painful, but fire purifies and cleanses and allows you prove what you are made of.
Remember hay, stubble and wood all get burned up but sliver, gold and precious stones these things can with stand the refining process, and the result is that they shine brilliantly. All of those things hay, stubble, wood, silver, gold and stones all of these are creations of the Divine yet some are more enduring than others, some are more rare than others, and some are widely used and known and daily life without them would be difficult and next to impossible for some people. The point is they are all useful and all equally important. Yet they are all very different. You Gooober are very different. Perhaps you are little more precious to the Divine, perhaps you are like, gold or silver to him and he is refining you, so that one day you will shine the way you were meant too. With or without your Cappy. Because that light shines in you. We all see it, maybe it is time you looked in the mirror and see it too. *Big hug*

And you know what Gooober the days without him have not been so bad. He has a myspace page, and every other day or so he gets on it because he knows that I can see what he is doing and he probably unconsciously tells me how his day went by writting little comments. He changes his songs on his page every so often and they are always songs that he knows are ones we have shared together. The last song was the song he knows is "our song". He also moves me on and off the top friends page based on how mad he is at me, lol. Right now I am off, so prospects are looking mighty bleak. (my friends all think I am crazy)
But he only has like 13 pictures of himself and his friends and family and I used to be in like 6 of them now I am in 2 but whats funny is that I am even there. Oh and I dream about him almost every night and we have all these deep conversations, and its funny because I feel like during my sleep I live with him and during the day I live without him, lol.

At any rate, I am grateful that i have met him, and that his energy was shared with me this lifetime and I am sure for this reason I do need him. These two men (my lover before him) freed something inside of me and initiated my transformation and so has your two men Gooober. They were each Karmic relationships designed to open our awareness, now we must relax and undergo the process, either way I think we will be happy with the outcome we recieve. They are always wonderfully more unsually perfect than anything we were hoping for, you know somewhere on some level you can remember that!
lol
Wow you got me going today girl.
I hope I did not talk you guys ears off, and props
to everyone who actually read this all the way through, lol

posted October 16, 2008 02:51 PM         

Beautiful post, mars.

I was trying to think why he would say such a thing, about "left over feelings", and I am sure he was very confused and hurting, and maybe he wanted to push you away, or, in that moment, he had the impulse to make a clean break, and he thought that saying something so devastating would actually hurt you less, in the long run, but then, you were so understanding and sweet to him, he could not go through with it that night...

quote:

---

I am sure what you have been denied on the physical level will be rewarded to you on the spiritual level when you accept the refining process, fire burns and burns are painful, but fire purifies and cleanses and allows you prove what you are made of.

---

This is beautiful.
I wrote something similar once:

The man who has never known great or prolonged suffering has no claim upon his happiness. Who is to say it will not abandon him at the first scent of trouble?
We are tried by suffering, baptized or burnt, and it is only having passed through its flames that we come to know what we are made of.

And I loved what you wrote about silver, gold, and the rest of it. Beautiful.

I have no words of comfort or advice,
as it seems to me that you know your own heart and mind very well,
and are doing just fine there.

I hope you find all that you seek.

posted October 17, 2008 09:51 PM         

"The man who has never known great or prolonged suffering has no claim upon his happiness. Who is to say it will not abandon him at the first scent of trouble?
We are tried by suffering, baptized or burnt, and it is only having passed through its flames that we come to know what we are made of."

I like that. I am going to add it to my book of quotes. I will make sure I credit you. lol

And thanks for the kind words. Its funny how the Spirit teaches us isnt?
Its not always pleasant but its definitely thorough, lol.

Mystic Melody:
Your words made me teary-eyed for some reason....I guess because they came straight from your heart.
XOXO