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Author Topic:   A Disturbing Attraction
Scorpionic Web
Knowflake

Posts: 727
From: Pennsylvania
Registered: Dec 2005

posted October 25, 2008 07:03 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Scorpionic Web     Edit/Delete Message
This has been troubling me, and I just have to get it out:

I'm incredibly attracted to my brother's ex-girlfriend.

The feeling really bothers me. There have been women in my life that would never trouble me if they dated my brother, but I try to uphold my own actions to a higher standard.

I feel rather incestuous for just thinking about this. I've known brothers who've dated each other's ex-girlfriends on multiple accounts, and I'm pretty sure my mom even dated her sister's ex-husband. I once found dating choices like those to be morally reprehensible, but now I find myself sympathizing with the idea. In a world that has been increasingly normalizing prostitution, gangbangs, infidelity, and other concepts I don't approve of, I'm not sure of the social consensus on this specific issue.

So then, anyone ever been in this situation?

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Gooober
Moderator

Posts: 456
From: Dhaka, Bangladesh
Registered: Oct 2001

posted October 25, 2008 08:32 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Gooober     Edit/Delete Message
hey scorpionic web!
if only we could choose who we get attracted towards or even fall in love with, this world would be a much simpler place.
while i would like to think that i would never be in the predicament that your are in, i guess i should never say never. the man that i'm in love with is my ex-husband's really close friends, they grew up together, almost like brothers and i was very hesitant at first about the kind of complications that it could lead to, but somehow i found that no matter what he was the only guy i felt that kind of bond with. we dated for a while and even now we are very much in love, but unfortunately he finds our 'situation' to be very complicated..i guess like you,he cant make peace with it due to the moral implications.
my ex and i are on very good terms and i even told him about what happened with his friend and me and he was quite understanding about it..although maybe it was easier because we had ended things already; but i'm sure if we did want something serious then even if it hurt him, he wouldn't be against it.
i guess what i'm trying to say is that relationships are often complex but they all teach us something about ourselves.we all have karma which we have to unravel and ultimately resolve.
so dont judge yourself too harshly

love n peace

-gooober

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while the soul slumbers God talks to us in numbers..

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broken dream
Knowflake

Posts: 19
From:
Registered: Sep 2008

posted October 26, 2008 03:19 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for broken dream     Edit/Delete Message
This a very sensitive subject for me. I was dating a guy for almost a year when he decied he really had feeling for my cousin. I didnt give my cousin a hard time when she decied that she wanted to be with him. I told her that it was her choice and i left it up to her. She decied that she wanted to be with him. I never told her how much that hurt me and i never will. Its not my place to judge you im just saying think about everyone thats involved. Make sure its worth any kind of fall out.

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I am a thousand shooting stars going to waste in his arms i will always be his wish but never his truth!

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broken dream
Knowflake

Posts: 19
From:
Registered: Sep 2008

posted October 26, 2008 03:21 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for broken dream     Edit/Delete Message
This a very sensitive subject for me. I was dating a guy for almost a year when he decied he really had feeling for my cousin. I didnt give my cousin a hard time when she decied that she wanted to be with him. I told her that it was her choice and i left it up to her. She decied that she wanted to be with him. I never told her how much that hurt me and i never will. Its not my place to judge you im just saying think about everyone thats involved. Make sure its worth any kind of fall out.

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I am a thousand shooting stars going to waste in his arms i will always be his wish but never his truth!

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robyn.c
Knowflake

Posts: 204
From: england
Registered: Dec 2007

posted October 26, 2008 07:27 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for robyn.c     Edit/Delete Message
did your brother have sex with her? then dont you go there. it is indeed like incest. there are plenty more fish in the sea

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Scorpionic Web
Knowflake

Posts: 727
From: Pennsylvania
Registered: Dec 2005

posted October 27, 2008 02:40 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Scorpionic Web     Edit/Delete Message
This secret attraction will always remain buried within me, as far as she and my brother are concerned.

It's an awkward and frustrating position to be in, so I only wanted to hear other people's experiences and how they've handled it.

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bunnies
Knowflake

Posts: 459
From: U.K
Registered: Mar 2007

posted October 27, 2008 03:33 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for bunnies     Edit/Delete Message
How does your brother feel about her now?
Was it an amicable break up or does he hate her guts?
I think personally if he has moved on then there is actually nothing wrong with this.

You could try broaching the subject and being upfront.
"You're my brother. I love you. I fancy your ex. How do you feel about that?

I think a lot of the time attraction, is down to our DNA, genetics whatever seeking out a suitable match.
As your brother is of the same gene pool I think it's probably quite natural to be attracted to the same women.

She isn't with him anymore.He has no exclusivity but be honest with him. He will respect you for that.
Either that or he'll punch your lights out!

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annaf
Knowflake

Posts: 290
From:
Registered: Oct 2006

posted October 27, 2008 04:37 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for annaf     Edit/Delete Message
I agree with bunnies. I dont think there is anything incestious about your attracton. On the contrary, we tend to develop our inner partner paradigm based on a number of experiences/influences/genetics. In part this inner ideal image will also be influenced by your parents. Mainly your opposite sex parent. There's a lot of literature on that. So if your brother and you are similar in age, you will have had a somewhat similar experience of your mother and might react to a similar look/personality trait whatever that your brother also has in his partner make up. So as such I think there is absolutely nothing unnatural about you feeling attracted to the same woman. But I also agree with what some of the other posts mentioned, that it will depend on how your brother and this woman split and whether this isnt a sensitive subject for your brother. If he got his heart broken by this woman, I would try very hard to forget her. But if they are ok and your brother might even be in a new relationship, then you really shouldnt deny yourself the chance for happiness. Do you know whether she returns your feelings?

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bunnies
Knowflake

Posts: 459
From: U.K
Registered: Mar 2007

posted October 27, 2008 04:42 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for bunnies     Edit/Delete Message
Yes we all forgot to ask that one!!
Does she return your feelings?

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broken dream
Knowflake

Posts: 19
From:
Registered: Sep 2008

posted October 28, 2008 01:55 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for broken dream     Edit/Delete Message
I think it would be wise to talk to your brother. Talking to him might help you clear your head. He might give you some insight as to why being with his ex might not be such a good idea or he might tell you that hes ok with whatever happens between the two of you. He might not feel comfortable seeing her hanging on your arm during the holidays if you want to bring her home or maybe hes moved on and he doesnt care who she moves on with the point is you will never get the answers if you dont talk to him.

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Scorpionic Web
Knowflake

Posts: 727
From: Pennsylvania
Registered: Dec 2005

posted October 28, 2008 07:52 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Scorpionic Web     Edit/Delete Message
I'm going to let myself forget her.

I don't know how she feels about me. I think my brother was a better match for her anyway, and I don't want to deal with the consequences.

I'm not looking for advice. Again, all I wanted to know was if anyone else had been in this situation, and how they dealt with it.

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hippichick
Knowflake

Posts: 2217
From: The Ether
Registered: Jan 2006

posted October 31, 2008 09:41 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for hippichick     Edit/Delete Message
IF I have learned anything where re-lating goes, attraction, etc. it is that all of my toxic relationships have started with the first meeting and a very bad, deep, very uneasy feeling.

Tho, love is blind, we humans do tend to get carried away and we rationalize our intuitions away.

I will never not listen to my gut again, especially where people are concerned.

blessings

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