posted November 09, 2008 08:23 PM            

Here's the story.

He is going to be in town next month and I'm so afraid of the pending disappointment when he doesn't call.

He's a friend, and we'll call him Jake. After meeting Jake, I immediately quit my job in finance and pursued my dream, I broke up with my then boyfriend (this took longer because my ex turned psycho and had to be weaned off that cut of cold turkey) and I even developed a crush on him. Years later, he's coming to town and I'm scared because I think he hates me.

I was always afraid of him. He was my boss, sort of because we were hired to sing and he checked whether we could before putting us on stage. I still didn't get a cent for that gig but the opportunity was payment enough.

Anyway.

What impressed me was his chivalry. He was a gentleman and he was sort of being nice to a peasant because I was hired help and he was in management. I used to smoke then and he offered me cigarettes. Then, I don't know if the guy is a mind-reader but he offered me painkillers when I had a headache and I didn't ask him for them. He just, out of nowhere, asked if I I had a headache. I concurred. He disappeared somewhere and then came back with pills and water. This was backstage after the gig.

Then he invited me and a friend to his hotel room to record some vocals. So, did he want a threesome or was it a real recording op?

Then he left the country but we spoke frequently telephonically. He called me everytime and I was shocked he called everytime because I didn't get why he'd still call. That's when I found out that I enjoyed his calls too much, that they were more that just calls when I down played them to my ex.

then, it came up that we should visit each other. Him to visit me or Me to visit him for a week to see whether I liked his country because I wanted to move there. I had developed feelings for him by then.

posted November 09, 2008 08:39 PM            

Then he said he'll come to my country but I refused that because my ex and I lived together and during our break up, I didn't have a place of my own. I was with friends so he couldn't visit. And before the break up, he couldn't visit still because my boyfriend wouldn't have taken that well.

so, he was putting me under enormous pressure and my hands were tied. Then one day, when I was ready, I told him that the planned time of my visit to him had come and do you know what happened? He didn't reply. He ignored my call as I was planning my trip. He ignored my emails. And then I just gave up too.

Then one day, I told him my feelings. This was a year ago or something. I told him so he just knew how I felt.

Then, I heard through the grapevine that he was coming to my town. I emailed him saying that I hope we catch up and that he must forget all I said because I don't want us to be awkward. I said I'll try to call him on his cell. This was yesterday. I'm not interested anymore. I just want peace because he seems to hate me for some reason. I'm surprised that he didn't say he was coming this side because I owe him an African cuisine experience.

god.

posted November 10, 2008 01:51 PM            

I think if you actually told him your caring for him and angst over not getting together and he STILL didn't reply it is probably because he is involved. I don't think a sensitive and emotional person could resist a sincere apology after they had some time to think things over. But who knows? People get some strange things in their head and some of them are too paranoid to consider someone might have innocent intentions (in turning down his offer for example).

He probably "sensed" the boyfriend, so hopefully you communicated about that situation or that might have added to his feeling of being "played". I just don't know... I know this last Pisces moon, the two days before yesterday morning, were very freaky for me and had my intuition very fuzzy and confused. Maybe it was the same for you and you will find more clarity in the next few days.

posted November 10, 2008 04:55 PM            

MM- I thought the same thing too. He got into a relationship. What amuses me is that he thought I cared unless his abrupt ceasing of communication were to protect his new woman, in that case, I agree with his decision. But like me, he should have said so instead of making me almost break my neck arranging to visit him to have all that effort go nowhere. He lacked finesse.

Also, I hate dealing with men who deal with a lot of golddiggers because they have the tendency to think all girls are like that. It's probably why I just prefer normal guys. But, my life keeps changing and my normal guy becomes abnormal by the day that soon, his kind will be my normal guy. Scary.

Since I said I'd call him, I'll call him. Tonight or in the morning. I kind of lost the excitement. Now, I just don't care.

People don't understand how important friendship is to me. It comes first and I nurture friendships. I just thought he was nice. I saw him as a guy who is a lovely person to know. Fortunately I have a good supply of those kinds of people.

I think It got me a little flustered hearing about him and it made the past rush back. Now I'm back to my senses. What I know is that life has a cool way of protecting me from people, not from myself though. Anyway, I think I wasn't meant to have him as my tour guide of LA.

today I know more people there who can show me around to see if I want to live there or not. Also, because of his weird ways.

I'm going to call him. Twice at most. If he acts dodgy, I'm forgetting him. I just feel indebted to him because he was a powerful influence in my life and I'd like to return the favour. It's being African. Culturally, he deserves my thanks and he has never given me the opportunity to do so.

posted November 10, 2008 05:21 PM            

1. The guy I broke up with was my betrothed. He hadn't paid the dowry (men pay dowry in Zulu African culture) hence we lived together because the families were aware of the plans.

2. I meet this guy. I get a little crush on him but He's cameo makes me break the marriage future plans and I bolt.

3. I get in trouble with both families.

4. I tell my family that I'm visiting this dude to check the US for a week, with plans of moving there for my career. I don't yet have capital to do so.

5. i raise the cash slowly. This guy is pressuring me to come to LA. I tell him that I am but I don't have enough cash yet since I was going to look for a flat when I got there since I was not culturally allowed to live with a man.

6. I have to pay certain fines for my awol nature of leaving my betrothed. An apology ceremony. More money spent.

7. Then, when I'm ready to come over, guy just doesn't respond? I wanted a work visa so I needed his help with that but I could go to that stage because he just went quiet.

8. I give up that whole plan. Ok. He didn't say I must quit my job, leave my betrothed and all. I know, but he inspired it.

9. Then I was kind of left so so disappointed. I'm still recovering from that. It's not his fault though.

10. For my closure, I sent him an email thanking him for the inspiration. Told him of my little crush as we Zulu girls tend to do. We're a confident people and there's no shame in love, crush, gratitude and humbling oneself.

THEN I HEAR HE IS COMING BACK HERE? I don't know whether to kill him or hug him. He didn't know any of this by the way.

I don't want to be with him. No. I don't want him coming to my country though. I know. I'd love to give him a piece of my mind. Or to just hug and forget anything ever happened. Bottom line, my life changed so drastically by meeting him. He didn't do much but he gave me a look at my power and a taste of what I can do with my life.

posted November 10, 2008 05:51 PM            

Because I was not working, I was not getting engaged, and now I was not moving to another country, I went back to my famous drawing board. Then, with a lot of work, I bounced back. I had to use the home I grew up in as my head quarters but I made strides with my new path of my life.

Did he think I needed him?

He would have made my life easier because he has more contacts but with or without him, I get my things done. That's me. I make goals and then I achieve them. No matter how long it takes.

oh, oh. So, on his last day when he was here, he wanted to here me play MY music. That day, my guitar string broke. His plane was leaving. So, we agreed to do it via email.

I sent my songs, which were recorded in my bedroom, I know, but I sent them around the same time I was going to go over there and with the visit, he said nothing about my music.

I thought this meant that I had no talent. I thought that he thought I sucked. It's the only reason why I'd not reply to someone's demo. So, on top of everything, I walked around thinking that I was talentless.

But, each time I played, I got good reviews. Even some influential people took note. My confidence increased again and that's when I begun to brand myself as an unsigned artist. I sent a flip sign to him astrally and did it anyway, even if he thought my music sucked. Or whatever.

If this guy wasn't a nice guy, I'd think he is the biggest twit in the world. So, I gave myself pep talks, told myself that there are two people in this world, his type and the type that builds me. The ones that make me stronger are respected and I bow to them. The ones who try to break me inspire me even more because they just make me want to do it better than I would have done it.

posted November 10, 2008 05:59 PM            

Why am I still hospitable to him? I know that he doesn't know many people here. I know that he loves different cultures and if a friend of mine came to my hood, I'd look after them but this is too weird.

what would you do?

posted November 10, 2008 09:51 PM            

Yes, I was thinking he might have found someone and stopped emailing because she was jealous or something and he couldn't say that he needed to respectfully say goodbye, sometimes men are weak and the gf is fearful... but some men also use break-ups to get sympathy from new women and demonize the ex to make themselves look better, frightening the new gf... But, no matter what, you just do the right thing. Continue to be the classy lady that you are and don't let his erratic behavior change or make you unsure of what you know is right. You can know in your heart that he probably doesn't even DESERVE courtesy, and still give it because that's just how you roll. And that might just be what you are meant to teach him after all. He just might not get the lesson until years later when he is alone with some gold-digger. *shrug* Or, your behavior could always flip the switch in him and he could feel the connection again. Just try to keep PRAYING for clarity and peace of mind so you are clear when the time comes.

posted November 11, 2008 03:25 AM            

I just had a sigh of relief. There is nothing easier than being myself and your advice to be myself is perfect. Thank you. I'm going to pray for clarity.

Do you know something funny? This guy has me so wrong that he thinks I don't believe in God or the Creator, just because of being odd. I get suprised when people come to that conclusion and I just shrug it off.

*shakes head in weak amusement*

posted November 11, 2008 09:47 AM            

quote:

---

For my closure, I sent him an email thanking him for the inspiration. Told him of my little crush as we Zulu girls tend to do. We're a confident people and there's no shame in love, crush, gratitude and humbling oneself.

---

Wow, Zulu girls are cool! That is a good subject for a song.

posted November 11, 2008 01:44 PM            

I won't know if he calls back unless he leaves a message. If he leaves a message, I'll listen to it like never, or next year since I am not using the sim card I used to call him.

posted November 11, 2008 06:22 PM            

so, this guy also cost me a nice friend. The girl that told me about the gig ended up hating me because she thought that me and this guy were cooking up something evil behind her back because she wasn't getting the phonecalls.

Her boyfriend, my exs friend had a thing for me and planted it in her head that I'm trying to oust her from this guy.

The grief. I'm have so much to contemplate now. I haven't spoken to that dear girlfriend in 2 years because of this guy.

ooh, I'm angry.

posted November 12, 2008 04:41 AM            

I would imagine that she was not the best or most loyal friend in the world,
if she could be made so suspicious of you, and not even listen to your side.

Zulu culture sounds interesting. And I sure wish more girls were like that.
I cant stand all these hints and games and unexpressed suspicions... :/

Melody is awesome. She always gives the best advice.
If you take friendship as seriously as you say,
you could not do better than a friend like Melody.
I am so proud to call her my friend, though I'm sure I dont deserve her.

love
hsc

posted November 12, 2008 05:46 AM            

You said your life changed through meeting him. Yes it did.
It gave you the strength to break away from the set cultural path on which your life was heading (nothing wrong with that for some, but you are different)
It made you realize that you could have a life on your terms, doing things that you wanted to do.

Maybe that is all he was there for. To show you. People do not have to take us on the whole journey, sometimes they are there just to point the way.
Maybe when you wanted to come over to LA, he panicked because it meant in some way he thought he was responsible for you changing your life.
And that is a heavy responsibility.

But that doesn't mean to say he still isn't fascinated by you.
I think however he may have served his purpose.It's up to you now sisi.

So what I suggest Unmoved is that you continue on your journey of self discovery that he triggered, but was always inside you but just waiting for someone to.....
Light the blue touch paper and stand well back!

posted November 12, 2008 01:35 PM            

Hsc- Mel rocks. You are lucky to have her as a friend. Zulu women are a sneaky bunch. We look meek on the outside but we are fierce. It's only those few families who still practice the culture of old times. Our line is the equivalent of Earldom. Not the royal family, fortunately because those girls have even more obligations.

King Zwelithini's daughter, you can google him, is a friend, acquaintant. We studied in the same college before we both went awol. Ha. Her life is worse. She still has to endure virginity tests or at least, the last time I spoke to her she had to lead the reed dance- which cracked me up because I doubt that she was a virgin.

Also, she can't marry an ordinary guy because she's too expensive amongst other things. Because I was raised I'm just chief material, not King or queen, I have more freedom. Also, my blood is not blue. She's pure Zulu so she has an entire culture to preserve. She has a lot of sisters and a few brothers so it's not just her lot.

It makes sense why I was raised like a secret. I don't have connections with that side. This girl and I met accidentally and she doesn't know my story.

posted November 12, 2008 02:11 PM            

During the beginning stages, he kept insisting that I stay at his place for the visit. I was not even going to do that because it was not appropriate. I was going to stay at a hotel. Again. He didn't know this because he jumped into conclusions.

If he were female, then I would have stayed at his place. If my intentions were pure, his also, then staying with him for my week visit would not have been so bad.
Hence the importance of a work visa because I didn't want a cent from him. I still feel bad about the pack of cigarettes he gave me. Unlike western culture, a man does not spend money on a woman unless it's a dowry, or damage costs like breaking my virginity etc. It's not natural for us to exploit people for cash. We are raised very differently from other Zulu girls because although on the outside, I'm western, my mentality is not.

I was not raised to ask for material assistance. This is strange because I was not raised as a rich kid. It's a contradiction because my mother raised me as regal as far as attitude, rituals and teachings but because I was not blue blooded, we had to live away from the good life and live like ordinary people. Actually, below ordinary materially.

this guy insulted me by questioning my honor. It feels like that. My humility was not accurately judged. My "hesitations" or my slow pace was judged as dishonesty instead of being seen as common sense.

posted November 12, 2008 02:33 PM            

I remember he looked at me weirdly, as if he just declared my words as bs. And they were but... So, I went into the bus and ignored him until I got the headache. I think.

He does not get a lot of things about me. They are culture driven things. The thought of him upsets me. I feel so wrongly accused. It saddens me because I just don't like people thinking I'm that messed up.

I get judged all the time but from him it is something I can't just ignore. What frustrates me is that he won't even let me explain. That irks me.

One day I told him that he intimidates me. He does. I'm always on tip toe because my openness is misunderstood. My secrecy also. When I am happy to talk to him and say so, I'm kissing his ass. When I'm not so forthcoming, I'm lying.

God. I just don't give a flying duck right now. He can just go jump. He has no idea what a big deal it is to have even spoken to him out of work. I should have told him so, that my colleagues aren't people I talk to for hours. I should have then told him to not call unless it was work related. But, I made him useless to my career to make him a friend.

because he was friend, I never spoke business and I was not intending to. The songs I sent him were so he could just listen to what I do, similar to how I play for my friends when I write a new song. I shared my music with him for his listening pleasure, not for favours. The plan was to do this on my own, but he didn't know that I guess.

posted November 12, 2008 02:48 PM            

So, yes. He has angered me. More for not letting me show him the truth than judging me. I can't stand his unwarranted self-righteousness right now. Not over a lie. If I was rotten, if he was right, I wouldn't be too concerned.

posted November 12, 2008 03:15 PM            

I could just be taking out my frustrations on this poor guy. Just so we are clear.

posted November 13, 2008 05:17 PM            

I feel really intense and full and emotional and weird and quite honestly, I'm beginning to think everyone is against me and has betrayed me. I know it is irrational... but it's there.

So, I'm just shutting up and going within and trying to deal with the subconscious stuff that is coming up.