posted April 29, 2009 08:11 AM         

Yes it is possible to love one person and want to spend the rest of your life with them - but it needs to be accompanied by the realization (this is something you can bet on) that NO ONE person can meet all your needs - just like you most certainly won't be meeting all of their's either.

Its the path forward from that realization that determines individual preference.

Think of it as a job & the determinants behind whether you stay or leave. No workplace is guaranteed to keep you 100% satisfied but are you 90% satisfied, 10% unsatisfied or 10% satisfied and 90% not? There too, personal preference boils down to what you're willing to accept.

I believe the fundamental requirements for a relationship are trust, honesty, respect and love and no relationship is worth it otherwise. If one feels the need to have a secret 'affair' (even if to satisfy unmet needs), then one violates the other partner's rights within that relationship to loyalty by a betrayal of trust. Also, i see it as being selfish. Like mercuranian said, think about how you would feel if the situation was reversed.

posted April 29, 2009 08:26 AM         

mercuranian

quote:

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I think your love is real, but OBVIOUSLY something is missing.
Also think about how you would feel if the situation was reversed?

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PA

quote:

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I personally think it's unrealist to expect one person to fulfil all your needs.

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posted May 02, 2009 11:22 PM         

I've got "issues" in my marriage at the moment but this isnt one of them. (thank goodness..........I've got enough things tempting me at the moment...)

posted May 06, 2009 01:34 AM         

listenstotrees, I've pondered what you said about 'If we are all one, surely true love is a feeling of connection and deep compassion for absolutely everyone and everything?' too. But there are different variations of love right - romantic, platonic, spiritual, familial etc. I responded to this one as a query on love of a romantic/sexual relationship nature.

The bottom line remains though that its about not hurting another party through deceit, lying, violation of their rights to honesty, exclusivity etc. If you can't offer those things for whatever reason, - we can be understanding of each person's individual challenges - then you need to let the other person know & not promise them the sun, moon and stars - only to be inable to deliver earth.

posted May 12, 2009 07:32 PM         

While only monogamy relationships can give certain things that we desire, it takes much more time and effort to deal with its issues. And while only polygamy can give other things we desire and it's (much) easier to deal with, it might not be as fulfilling for some people as monogamy relationships can be.

Everyone has their own preferences, but it's important not to hurt anyone on the process.

Personally, I seek for things only monogamy relationships can fulfill, but I do know that it isn't all fairytale.
People often give up relationships coz things start to get harder, or coz things starts to lose its initial passion. But giving things up every time problems surfaces would just result a never ending cycle. Besides, that rare, deep and true Love that everyone wants is not that easy to obtain anyways.

Sometimes, it's better to give up a relationship that is unhealthy and only brings pain to both, but if the other person is really that important, then don't give up so easily.

posted May 16, 2009 05:06 PM         

If you can't commit, then don't.

I agree that no one person will fulfill all your needs, and that person isn't supposed to. But when it comes to making a committment to someone, you should only do it when you know that is what you want, because you will have tests and temptations. Most people don't cheat at the first point of temptation, it usually is something that grows over time and thought has been invested into it. Therefore, it is willful and it means that you don't love the person you are committed to as much -- in whatever capacity. And you have no one to blame but yourself.

IMHO, it's not about how the person treats you, it's about how you treat that person and yourself. You reap what you sow. If you are not getting what you need from your SO or spouse, look into yourself to see if it is something they need to provide to you (since they may not even KNOW what it is that you need) OR if it is something you can do for yourself.

Communicate that with your SO or spouse to share with them and give them the chance to understand and grow along with you.

posted May 18, 2009 02:26 AM         

Taurean_Scorpion, for me "committed" means for better or worse. Through the "Seesaws" as you say it. You have made up your mind that this is the person you want to be with and you stick by your decision.

Now, no, you dont know that from the outset, you can't know that. It takes time. So, take your time before you commit.

Committment doesn't have to mean "marriage", so if you find yourself in a situation where you are not happy, make sure your "unhappiness" is not contingent on this person providing all of it. We've all heard about basing our happiness on someone else, and it just doesn't work. We've got to make ourselves happy.

Now if you have done that (keep a happy, positive state of being), and this person doesn't fit into your lifestyle to compliment that kind of energy (not necessarily provide it), then doing the right thing would be to tell that person. Find out how they feel or think about what you are sharing with them. Keep the energy positive. If you find that you both are not compatible (evidence, not necessarily emotion), then maybe you should part so that you both can attract compatible people to you.

I'm not happy with everything my fiance does, but that's not his problem, that's mine. It's all in perspective -- how I look at things. I look at what's real and important. Being happy could be an emotion or a state of mind. If it's an emotion, it can come and go. If it is my state of mind, I can build on that using real evidence. And that's what helps me.

So checkout whether your "seesaws" are emotions or a real state of being. If you are committed to him and him to you, then think about what made you want to commit to him in the first place and build on that. If that foundation is gone (not due to emotions totally, but tangibly decreasing or gone), then there's something to decide. But if the foundation is still there, your unhappiness may be something that is only temporary and making your partner aware of it could change his behavior.

Yes, keep the communication going. It's the best thing.

posted May 18, 2009 03:08 PM         

if you are committed, it is about honoring your commitment and keeping your word and vows is a part of your personal integrity.

no one forces anyone into a committed relationship, you enter it by choice. and my thing is this, if you are doing it (cheating), it is fair to assume your partner also is.

my second divorce was due to the fact that i was not honored. the commitmeent we made together was not honored.

how humilliating and what a hurtful thing. i could have done it back, i am still attractive, i meet attractive people that are interested in me. but, we were married and i honored my comitment, which a lot of people don't understand.

i am getting ready to get married again, and this is the scariest thing to me, knowing that people are so cavalier about marriage vows, the commitment they made. and i just dont see why to bother with it all, if it isn't really what you want.

no one is going to fulfill your every need. look inside for that.

before you decide another lover is just what you might need, things a little boring...maybe consider the people that it will hurt first. unless hurting people doesn't matter anymore either.

yes, he may have turned into a sweaty, balding fat man, who scratches his butt, eats like he's at a trough, and sleeps in his big chair with the remote in his good hand,...

but maybe just maybe, you arent putting the effort in to look like anything special for him either.

real love has cycles, high, low, in between, but really, no one forces to to commit, hororing your own word should be a no brainer. when you don't honor your own word you are really cheating yourself, and trust me loves, it does come back on you when you very least expect it.

if i get cheated on again, my only commitments ever again to be made will be with myself, because that will be the only person i can trust.

it might not make you a terrible person, obviously people can justify anything they do, but you might just lose everything you had, and then find out how much it really meant to you a little too late.

taking a chance that this story will never be mine again, yours truly

ps. and - if you have children and you want to lose thier respect for years possibly forever, and set an example of selfish living? yeah, go ahead, but once you have kids, it isn't all about you anymore, and i have personally seen kids with no respect for thier parents due to bad choices, it isn't pretty. the other parent will never let them forget what a great person thier "mom or "daddy" cheater is. that is some tough stuff to get back, if ever. once respect is gone, like virginity it is pretty much gone for good.