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Author Topic:   Keeping in contact with ex(es)
cappy1277
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From: philadelphia,pa
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posted August 22, 2012 05:45 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for cappy1277     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
What is your general consensus?

For me personally, I don't find that there is any reason to keep in contact with them. You're exes for a reason right? If you couldn't value you them romantically, how can you value them platonically? I have a venus in aquarius so of course this may seem like an oxymoron but this issue has me confused. Any romantic relationship I had with a man has never ended us being friends because the way that I see it, we were friends before lovers and if you failed there, what is the point? taking the romantic element out of it doesn't change anything, you were a bad friend then.

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ariesdragon
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posted August 22, 2012 06:59 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for ariesdragon     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Unless u have children together then for the sake of the child u should stay friends unless of course the ex is bad (dead beat) or unsafe.

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cappy1277
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From: philadelphia,pa
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posted August 22, 2012 09:20 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for cappy1277     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
My kids' father and I are not friends but we are friendly to each other and give each other respect.

The concept is hard to my brain around because I see no point really? I'm trying to gain some thoughts that may justify this...I understand your point as far as keeping the peace for family sake but holding in my contempt is hard even then because if we broke up, 9 times out of ten, it was a bad break up and I really resent you for it.

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ariesdragon
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posted August 22, 2012 11:11 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for ariesdragon     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I understand where your coming from completely
I just meant "civil" I guess that's the right word for it
Sounds like you're doing a great job

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cappy1277
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From: philadelphia,pa
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posted August 22, 2012 11:17 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for cappy1277     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Lol ariesdragon..exactly - civil is the best word.

What about your boyfriend keeping in contact with their exes though? I am by far from being insecure per se but Idont understand what the need would be? I'm currently experiencing this and I'm trying to stay mum about it because what works for me doesn't work for everyone. I just know these women are not over him and if he feels nothing , why even have contact?

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ariesdragon
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From: Jupiter
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posted August 22, 2012 11:28 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for ariesdragon     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Ya I agree with u on that 1 lol if there's no feelings what's the point? It's called the past for a reason

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cappy1277
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From: philadelphia,pa
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posted August 22, 2012 11:36 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for cappy1277     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I am having a hard time reconciling this with my rational mind...I think this may be a deal breaker for me. We've spoken about it in length and he says that absolutely nothing is going on but even still why keep the contact?? If you're friends, fine but their should be no reason for daily contact.

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ariesdragon
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posted August 23, 2012 12:02 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for ariesdragon     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
He still wants you for some reason or is trying to keep "control" just remember the ball is in your court & if you don't want to answer the phone, email or doorbell it's completely up to you don't let anybody make u do anything ever.

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cappy1277
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From: philadelphia,pa
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posted August 23, 2012 08:06 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for cappy1277     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
So true ariesdragon...I'm just going to fall back on the situation.

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YoursTrulyAlways
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posted August 23, 2012 09:10 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for YoursTrulyAlways     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I have great friendships with almost all my material exes. One of them is the Godmother to my children.

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cappy1277
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From: philadelphia,pa
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posted August 23, 2012 02:50 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for cappy1277     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
material ex's? what does that imply? I don't mind the whole friendship thing but obviously you include your wife in the equation too. I am not a jealous person by nature and he is not going out of his way to hide the whole thing but I am just curious to how much contact is too much contact? I am sure you don't sit on the phone with any of your exes chit chatting everyday? lol

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Lava Flower
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posted August 24, 2012 12:45 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lava Flower     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Daily contact? Are you kidding.. You have the patience and understanding of a saint.

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cappy1277
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From: philadelphia,pa
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posted August 24, 2012 10:16 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for cappy1277     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
no kidding lava flower...lol. the daily contact is what I can surmise. We got into a little tiff because he said he had called me like 4 times and I never answered my phone while I said I never received a call at all. He proceeds to show me his call log and I see the numbers of where he was calling them (or calling them back, who knows?). Every time I am over, they are calling but he won't answer and I am over at least twice a week. We had this argument about him talking to his exes before and it ended up him telling me that I was jealous and insecure while I said that it was downright disrespectful. I am going to fall back on him. I don't know how much clearer I need to be about the situation. We have been together for 2 and half years. Clearly their is no respect for my feelings and he is going to do what he wants to do so I am going to take this chance just to see this as a bigger sign than what it may be and fall back off of him. He swears that their is nothing going on but the constant contact is wearing on my nerves. I don't keep in contact with any of my exes including my kids' father (their at an age where they don't need me to keep in contact with them) and I would never disrespect our relationship in that way. guess he doesn't feel the same way

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YoursTrulyAlways
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posted August 24, 2012 09:02 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for YoursTrulyAlways     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Naw. They just come on over and we have pajama parties. Just kidding.

Friends. We do what friends do (minus the shag lol). Family outings. Christmas presents. Dinners. Like.i said, one of them is the Godmother of my two sons who ride her horses.

I'm friends with my wife's ex-es too. One took us sailing on his boat. Another went driving with me.

The difference between you and I is that you married your ex, lived with them, had children, they ****** you off, you guys fought, fell out of love romantically, then split.

On the other hand, I had inclinations of marrying anyone of these ex-es, but circumstances did not allow. One was too Jewish. Another too Catholic. One too Black. Yet another too wealthy. One moved away to Europe and then came back. Yes, all had an obligation to please their parents. None of us ever fell out of love. Just that we couldn't get married, and so it never happened. So I'm just friends with them. Do I love them? In a different way, yeah. Their kids too. My kids play with their kids. I have lunch with their husbands.

I found a wIfe who couldn't give a sh1t. I married her. Now, one of her ex-es asked if she could join the reunion crowd in Vegas. Without me. That was crossing the line.

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Dreaming111
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posted August 24, 2012 09:52 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Dreaming111     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by cappy1277:
no kidding lava flower...lol. the daily contact is what I can surmise. We got into a little tiff because he said he had called me like 4 times and I never answered my phone while I said I never received a call at all. He proceeds to show me his call log and I see the numbers of where he was calling them (or calling them back, who knows?). Every time I am over, they are calling but he won't answer and I am over at least twice a week. We had this argument about him talking to his exes before and it ended up him telling me that I was jealous and insecure while I said that it was downright disrespectful. I am going to fall back on him. I don't know how much clearer I need to be about the situation. We have been together for 2 and half years. Clearly their is no respect for my feelings and he is going to do what he wants to do so I am going to take this chance just to see this as a bigger sign than what it may be and fall back off of him. He swears that their is nothing going on but the constant contact is wearing on my nerves. I don't keep in contact with any of my exes including my kids' father (their at an age where they don't need me to keep in contact with them) and I would never disrespect our relationship in that way. guess he doesn't feel the same way

I'd say that the pont of the argument is of no matter. You could tell him you don't like rainbow furniture and he should understand that. I mean, at the end of the day, what is more important the rainbow furniture or you being happy with him?

Sometimes we hang around old flames because we have this hope? That maybe we could get back together or make them come crying home.
Other times it's to make the new partner jealous. Or jsut to prevent from being lonely. Maybe he has been talking to them since breaking up and it's hard to jsut cut them off for you. I see a problem there if that's something you dislike.

I mean, if your guy would be your potential husband, I would think you would mean more to him then random exes. But if they mean as much to him....it's a sticky situation. He just might be too stubborn to sacrifice them for you.

He's being plain unfair and stupid. Sorry gotta say it like it is. You don't put anyone above the person you love. Either he's immature or just not that into you or he's hooking up behind your back....it might jsut be an emotional hook up. Who knows?

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cappy1277
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From: philadelphia,pa
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posted August 25, 2012 03:04 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for cappy1277     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Dreaming1111...my intuition says it is emotional before physical but that can be just as bad. He is being unfair & immature in this. Both exes are libras, one with sun conjunct Pluto & Scorpio Venus and the other Venus & sun conjunct Pluto. They're not gonna be the easiest chicks to shake, I know...but something has to give. It makes for an uncomfortable situation especially when one shows up at an event he & I will be at. They know I am in the picture obviously & he doesn't go to great lengths to hide it.

I haven't spoken to him in 2 days and he doesn't know what I am thinking because I feel like I am beating a dead horse with the issue. I already expressed my feelings about it, what more do I need to say? He knows how i feel.

YTA that is great that you can do all that. If my world was a little bit like that, I would be OK with it too.

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sand
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posted August 25, 2012 10:34 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for sand     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
i want to do this. i think it's very mature kids or no kids. plus y must things always be that way? once u were the 2 closest people and then strangers the next.. ironic..

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ariesdragon
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posted August 25, 2012 10:49 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for ariesdragon     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Even tho some of us want to stay friends, unfortunately some of us dont because of overwhelming feelings... Say if 1 felt hurt in the relationship in some way they usually wont want to keep a friendship with that ex. Some relationship take a looonngg time to get over so if u dont want to backslide & start having sex or developing feelings for ur ex when what ur trying to do is seperate the best thing is no contact.

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cappy1277
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From: philadelphia,pa
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posted August 25, 2012 04:03 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for cappy1277     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Sand I understand the whole concept but I don't think they are the type to keep in contact without an ulterior motive. If he is entertaining them with conversation & what not, I see him just as guilty. It is disrespectful to me because I know for sure that the one girl is very contentious of me to say the least. With them being so plutonian, its not him that they are going to lash out at but me in some way...already had to deal with it once before with her...I don't feel like it again

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sand
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posted August 25, 2012 08:38 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for sand     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
i actually have never done it myself 0 for 5.. sometimes even the civil ones shoot arrows at each other when not in their presence.

i am heavily plutonian too and i think for me to be over enough to be friends with someone i am probably at the point of not caring..

still i would like to be all mature and sh!t someday!

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cappy1277
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From: philadelphia,pa
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posted August 25, 2012 08:47 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for cappy1277     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I'm not friends with anyone that I was in a long term relationship with. I see it as pointless....the basis of any romantic relationship is friendship...most times it doesn't end well so we were never really friends.

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Randall
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posted August 26, 2012 10:12 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
No contact here with any exes. We broke up for a reason.

------------------
"Never mentally imagine for another that which you would not want to experience for yourself, since the mental image you send out inevitably comes back to you." Rebecca Clark

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strawberrysundae
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posted August 26, 2012 11:11 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for strawberrysundae     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I agree with there is always some type of motive from one or both people when your're trying to be friends. No contact for me.

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cappy1277
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From: philadelphia,pa
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posted August 26, 2012 01:06 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for cappy1277     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I am glad I am not being unreasonable lol

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Aquacheeka
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posted August 28, 2012 09:58 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Aquacheeka     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I plan on staying friends with my now-ex. That is the level on which we're compatible; it's just that romantically the spark died and we can't live together (lifestyles are too different). But our interests are the same. Just because you got tired of cleaning up after/sleeping with someone doesn't mean you can't watch your mutual favourite shows together. Just my opinion.

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