posted February 15, 2015 07:11 PM              

I started a relationship 2 weeks ago and it's been nothing but awesome and as close to perfect as it can be. Had I been younger I'd be on cloud 9, pinching myself to see if it's real. I'd be ecstatic. That's how much I love love. But I'm not ecstatic. I am counting my blessings knowing it can end at any minute. Among other things, he is sick and will need to be medicated for the rest of his life. Might need a liver transplant at some point. I feel I can't fully rejoice, I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. I got so used to the bitter taste of seeing lovers walk away and relationships end, that I can't trust this to last. And it's a shame, I can tell this is committed and serious and mutual and deep. Yet I am waiting for it to fail.

Oh, the bruises disappointments leave on our fragile hearts..

I am trying to snap out of it, last thing I want is to make it a self fulfilling prophecy. My hectic life, being unable to spend as much time with him as I would like, stealing a couple of hours here and there leave me so tired.. and then it gets to me the worst.

posted February 16, 2015 09:44 AM            

I don't have much to add, except that I am so happy for you, Mae.

Also, transiting Moon is in Capricorn right now - it very often makes for a gloomy or worried mood, exacerbating unconscious/subconscious processes and bringing them to the forefront in a very harsh way (the Moon is in detriment here, naturally, not happy in Saturn's domain).

So even though your concerns are real and legitimate, they are at this point in time magnified and should become lighter very soon (in a day at most).

I definitely agree with Vajra's point about taking things one day at a time. I believe certainty is not part of this world (not when it comes to things/people outside of ourselves) so the only thing we can do is just enjoy the moment, let go of worry as much as possible and trust in our own ability to survive any emotional wounds that may afflict us. It's not an easy thing to do, especially when it comes to intimate relationships, because there are so many emotional wires going both ways. But it is possible, I believe, and helpful.

Best wishes to you and your new friend, please be well and take care. ~

posted February 26, 2015 04:14 AM              

I am feeling a lot better, though I still have some concerns. Ever since I took the specialty exam my life has become terribly hectic and I can't seem to adapt. I now work in 4 different facilities and try to juggle everything the best I can. The time I have left I try to spend it with him, he's been feeling worse in the last 2 weeks and I wanted to be there for him. Between everything, I don't have much time for myself or my other hobbies and passions - like Lindaland . I keep hoping it is transitory but it doesn't look like that. I am still doing therapy and I have shared my concerns with my therapist. But for now I don't see a way out, other than making the best of every day and not make grand plans for the future, like Vajra said. My relationship is amazing, indeed it does not have the Hollywood glam, it is quiet but deeply fulfilling. I have waited for someone like him for a long, long time. What you said, Vajra, resonated a lot with me, especially the part about commitment, making the decision to stick with it and following it through. I was worried about my own inner critic and my sometimes fickle nature, these sometimes stick their heads out but they are easily put back in their place. It's far from perfect, but it's good. It's something I want to prolong for as long as I can. We talked briefly about kids and a family, but I interrupted the discussion as it's terribly premature. But I think we both would eventually like to see it go to that level. But one day at a time. There are so many things to live and experience up until that point. I think, despite his age (he's 25), we've both been around the corner enough to know we have a good thing going on, and that it might just be as good as it can get. He is an old soul and sometimes it feels like he's the older one out of the two of us. I miss him terribly when we are apart.

Thank you Vajra, Doux, ikja and Charmaine for reading this and responding! It meant a lot to me!

posted April 20, 2015 06:08 AM            

Hoping for the best for you.