posted June 26, 2011 09:15 AM            

i'm glad i don't have to be a singular leader...!! that sounds stressful to be like a dictator. the way you explain how my leadership should be, i recall i was very much like that as a child.

ok, i hope i'm not taking up your time too much by asking so many questions. i'm in no rush so i don't want to pressure you.

could you see why i don't act? i mean, i know i can be lazy with all that Jupiter influencing my chart, but there is something else to it beside the laziness.

i have ideas. they may not be perfect or complete, but they are ideas that can be propelled into something greater than just fleeting thoughts. but i don't do them. i don't go reach out to the potential.

part of it of course is what you guessed right. i grew up with a BPD mother and i did not develop the sense of self until much much older. i'm only starting to discover that i'm free. so it makes sense throughout that i see no importance in my opinions etc. i was taught that it means nothing. anyway i'm working on overcoming that.

part of me strongly feels that i am a person of action. but i have blocks. i'm the opposite of action. i feel that i'm not supposed to be this way. i want to really grab it and own it, instead of having glimpses of abstract ideas, so that i can really overcome it. until i can do that, i'm not living my life. and probably until i can do that, i'm not getting out of the current rut and also living up to my leadership, either. what's holding me back so persistently? is it in the natal, or just a really long transit? how can i nurture other positive aspects that can push that aside and help me evolve as a person of action?

also, what do you think about my Kite formation? so the tip of it IS that Pluto/NN. is it possible to explain it to me so that i can understand it in a less abstract way? i think i kind of almost got it, because you explained the importance of my Venus and Neptune aiding my Pluto/NN action. but how is the moon at SN and Mars come into play in the Kite?

posted July 03, 2011 03:18 PM            

Well the SN is/like our past life experiences and lessons that we have already learned. These things come easy to us. Which is why the NN is our souls path in this life, and what lessons and things we must accomplish NOW. Having your moon fall on that opposition, (conjuncting the SN) is setting your emotional level, reaction, comfort, your inner psyche at your past life lessons. It's like this safety net that your moon (inner self) is at and when you attempt to strive to your NN your inner core is rattled, rather hard. Ultimately though it would be a complete inner transformation because of your Pluto. It's like your Pluto is standing on the outskirts and sees the transformation that is possible and needed and your moon is on the inside all comfortable and settled in, it sees no interest in venturing out to leave all that it knows but your Pluto pulls on it. It pulls on the Moon (the opposition) to come out into the world and do what your Soul needs to do.

I see this as the 'thing holding you back' along with your Saturn position. (if you want me to get into that let me know.) Transiting Saturn in the 11th Conjuncting your Pluto/NN conjuncts is showing you that now is the perfect time to restructure this part of your life. It's your karma to do it now (Saturn being the planet of karma). You don't have Jupiter trines so I don't see laziness as being a big issue (where Jupiter is concerned). However it does play a role being your chart ruler and all but his is more from the aspects it makes and in the house it's in.

Your first house ruler is Jupiter and your seventh is Mercury, which are in opposition. This sort of creates a tension within you to begin with. To make things more interesting your 7th house ruler is in your first house and your first house ruler is in your 7th. Would I be correct in saying that there some difficulty in communication in your relationships (not just love, all relationships). You look for your own self in others, which you like but can turn you off a bit after a while. I want to say that there is struggle with who you are and who you want to be, but I'm not sure if it fits here or if it's even correct. It just sort of popped into my head.

posted July 03, 2011 05:48 PM            

and YES i really would love to know more about my Saturn… could you tell me? it's at the top of my chart, at the critical degree of Virgo, in the 9th. it must have a big influence on me, no? i know i'm fiery, i'm very Sagittarius and Jupiterian, but as you can see from what i've explained already, i have a difficult time understanding and coping with what's not. and often these "what's not" are the things i have to understand, because they may appear as obstacles or mysteries and i feel at loss.

oh i'm REEEALLY glad you explained my NN/SN, Pluto/Moon dynamic… and i am so psyched to learn that NOW is the time for me to transform!!! it must be so much fun, to shed the old and grow into the new but more real self. i really feel that this IS happening, NOW, although slow and maybe even vague. i AM entering a new era of my life. it's so important for me. it's as if i've known this would someday happen all along, just didn't know when and what exactly…

about my Jupiter/ Mercury, yes they have a funny relationship. i've noticed it too and i consciously feel it, strongly. in fact this must be the strongest felt aspect in my entire chart consciously. i've always identified myself with the concept of contradictions within self. i struggled with it all my life, and when i was younger i was much more muddled and frustrated. and with the relationships with others, i've always struggled to find a place to belong. i would hang out with a group of people, and try to somehow belong, but i always kind of only managed to stand at the margin and i would consume myself trying to be what i think i am -only to find out in the end that i was nothing like that. the struggle with my identity has been the theme of my life. not exactly because i didn't know what i was, but because i could not identify myself within others. meaning, i could not find like-minded people. as i said before, even now it's only my current partner who i feel that i stand on the same line, level, etc. seemingly it's important for me to see in others what i have also.

posted July 08, 2011 09:05 AM            

the lady did not like my papers and made a very difficult time, but in the end me and my partner were able to convince her. it was nerve-wrecking, but we walked out victorious!

by this year i could have been able to have a renewal for longer than just one year, but with all the obstacles last year, i did very poorly on making any improvements. but i am so grateful that i have one more year to work on my projects WITHOUT any stupid interferences and people taking from and using me, they can stay away now. i so deserve another chance, and secretly i do hope the ones who benefited from me would see their consequences. but that's not my job to care!

and i did something wonderful. to deflect myself from the stress of the immigration meeting, i planned a trip to the zoo on the way home from the immigration office. we have a really great zoo in our city and i've never been there, because it's expensive. but i thought, what do i care, when i got to celebrate, i'm not caring! so when we had the visa renewed, we went straight there and spent 8 hours looking at fish and animals, and just enjoying life. we did not have something like this forever. seriously i could not stop smiling all day! the weather was fantastic with perfect temperature and we stayed there till pretty late, so we could interact with the animals more intimately when everyone else had left. on the way back, we spontaneously stopped at a Greek restaurant and stuffed ourselves, then we came home and sat in front on the street and had a glass of wine.

it was the most amazing day. so free and completely liberating! i'm so happy i could explode!

thank you so much for all your support. thank you for encouraging me and helping me in all sorts of ways. i know this is only the beginning and i have loads of work to do, to make it this year. when i do well this year and if they approve next year's visa renewal, it raises the possibility of my obtaining a permanent residence permit the following year. i'm so blessed, and i intend not to waste that!!

posted July 10, 2011 12:31 PM            

In a nutshell.

posted July 10, 2011 01:00 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by lechien:
oh i could cry with happiness, Ami. you guys helped me out so much! i have been so encouraged by Lindaland in this thread and others numerous times. i could not imagine myself here a few months ago. i can make positive changes, and i set out now to make it better and better!!!

---

Aww Lechien

posted July 12, 2011 10:56 AM            

littlecloud, that sounds very right on. i have had repeated blocks in my pursuit of education. i always felt there were obstacles... i could not study where i truly wanted, although i graduated from a very reputed university, which i should be very proud of. i was prevented to study what i wanted, because of really lame reasons. also i was left completely confused of what i actually wanted to study, so i ended up studying art, but in truth i think i wanted to study history/philosophy/anthropology... but where i had to grow up because of the relocation due to my mother's re-marriage, people there did not even have the CONCEPT of a such subject!!! so this sort of "obstacles" that i just cannot really do anything about seem to be the theme.

posted July 30, 2011 03:51 PM            

and how's your site coming along? all good i hope!!!

and thanks littlecloud!

pire, thank you, that video is SO SWEET i love it!! i was smiling through it, what a sweet idea!!

posted August 07, 2011 07:10 PM            

i'm hoping maybe Ami can give me a few pointers too, since she seems to be managing great with hers.

well, growing up in a secluded environment with a Borderline mother has ruined me. it's a miracle that i'm here now, with the knowledge of her illness, and my biological father's current limited but sure support. i've forgiven her, i understand now, and i've come in terms of many things, and i am absolutely ready to take back my life. but i'm still paralysed.

posted August 07, 2011 07:14 PM            

it's getting long so i cut it short. i'm trapped. it's like there are 2 of me, split in half. one is looking down into this dark damp hole, where is the other half, clueless of how to get her out of there.

posted August 07, 2011 07:37 PM            

i must remind myself one step a day... you made it to launch your website. i'm going to work on my project and i should not worry about other things for now. i must not lose myself in the big picture.