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Author
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Topic: Tenny
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tenny22
Knowflake Posts: 465
From: USA
Registered: May 2011
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posted September 04, 2011 09:20 AM
  
quote:
Originally posted by Ami Anne:
Well, I am healing by crying, it seems. There seem to be layers of pain like a layer cake. When I cry,it hurts so much that I feel I can't bear it but then I feel better.Tell me, Sweetie, do you still feel the resentment toward your mother or has that all evaporated?
I would be so interested to know as I have not had the experience you have.
I am feeling more and more hatred of mine lol
I know about those layers! I always felt that the real true me was somewhere below those layers, and that thought always gave me the courage to keep pressing on rather than sink into a depression. Crying is hard, but it is the best approach. I feel stronger. I know about the pain your described because crying takes A LOT out of you, but it is necessary to get the stress out and establish an emotional balance. The hard part is reflecting on the feelings that prompted the crying - you are supposed to see where you have moved a step from it. At first I did not see the steps, but then, I began to notice it, and it strengthened me even more! Now I cry and just let it flow because I know I'm going to be stronger. What I've always had for my mom is a large overwhelming lump of feeling/emotion. It takes on different forms though, depending on what is going on. For example, there are times I recall that I was missing my mom as a child whenever she was away - it was an overbearing feeling. Then, when she was on a good swing it was an abundance of love. Once the abuse began to happen, I did not hate her, but wanted to escape her, so it was a feeling of self preservation. So through out the years, I've felt a mix of these emotions - missing her, loving her, wanting to stay away from her for self preservation. Once I accepted that mental illness had a lot to do with her actions, I began to feel better about myself, no more like something was wrong with ME (I thought that until I was an adult). At times, I experienced hate for my mom before I came to realize that something was wrong with her and not me! Hate does not heal, it isolates. So it was important for me to embrace the fact that I was okay, and mom was not. It was painful to realize that mental illness was a key factor, but it took away the hate. The mixture of emotions remained throughout my adult life. So now, fast-forward to today, the mixture does not include the self preservation (which had been there since childhood). What's new is the fear of mom eventually dying and will I feel any regrets, although I know I've done all that I could for her in this lifetime (especially now). And there is just a little bit of acceptance of the path our lives have taken to reach this point. So the negative feelings I've had all theses years, including the spell of hatred has been replaced with a painful acceptance. And by painful I mean weight - heavy - laden. Not hurting. So I guess my answer to question is that the "pain" remains, the emotion is different. IP: Logged |
abcd efg
Knowflake Posts: 1004
From: India
Registered: Mar 2011
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posted September 04, 2011 10:12 AM
quote:
Originally posted by Ami Anne:
Well, I am healing by crying, it seems. There seem to be layers of pain like a layer cake. When I cry,it hurts so much that I feel I can't bear it but then I feel better.Tell me, Sweetie, do you still feel the resentment toward your mother or has that all evaporated?
I would be so interested to know as I have not had the experience you have.
I am feeling more and more hatred of mine lol
(((((Ami))))))) Sorry for chipping in. But i really felt like. I get this feeling that one day your bucket of hatred for your mom is going to get empty.  My sincere wishes to you for that. IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 20095
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted September 04, 2011 10:29 AM
Please abc defg
Always pitch in.
Would you like to put up your natal and we can talk about it?------------------
Do You Think This Psychic Is Cute?
http://www.mychristianpsychic.com/
IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 20095
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted September 04, 2011 10:36 AM
Tenny Darling,
I will come back and comment.
It feels too painful to think about, at the moment.
Last night, my tears were so bitter that today I feel better.
I will be back to respond and thank you for being there!IP: Logged |
tenny22
Knowflake Posts: 465
From: USA
Registered: May 2011
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posted September 04, 2011 12:31 PM
Ami, I am always here for you as you are for me, and I really appreciate you. I was just coming back to post another thought I just had...My mom's imprint on my adult life is different now. Despite the truth of what she did to me in childhood, she has indeed left an imprint on me as an adult, and it has changed now with my attempting to come to grips with the reality that she may not make it to live much longer. The imprint is that more than anyone else or any other situation, my mom has caused me to learn to forgive. And I don't know how or when I did that, because what I felt was human compassion when I realized she had suffered all this time alone, in a self imposed separation. I do feel that the forgiveness stems from understanding her mental imbalances. It doesn't change what she did, or how I'm still dealing with the impact of it even now as an adult. But it does change how I move forward in life from this point on. I think about her dying (because it's just that serious now) and I don't know how I will feel, but at least there will be peace in my heart because the negative does not dig into me anymore. I dream about my mom a lot lately. I wake up in a sweat, so I don't have this all worked out  but I'm better moving forward in life. There was a change. I agree with ABCD, you are going through something and a good change is on its way for you. Hang in there baby. IP: Logged |
tenny22
Knowflake Posts: 465
From: USA
Registered: May 2011
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posted September 04, 2011 12:37 PM
quote:
Originally posted by Ami Anne:
Tenny Darling,
I will come back and comment.
It feels too painful to think about, at the moment.
Last night, my tears were so bitter that today I feel better.
I will be back to respond and thank you for being there!
I wish there was a hugging smile  SO here is a really really big hug for you Ami!!!!!! HUGS IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 20095
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted September 05, 2011 05:47 PM
Tenny
So, do you feel "free" of her now,as far as have broken the chains that tied you to her?
Do you feel you still see the world through "her "eyes?
Do you know what I mean? I am sure you do lol------------------
Do You Think This Psychic Is Cute?
http://www.mychristianpsychic.com/
IP: Logged |
tenny22
Knowflake Posts: 465
From: USA
Registered: May 2011
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posted September 05, 2011 09:19 PM
quote:
Originally posted by Ami Anne:
Tenny
So, do you feel "free" of her now,as far as have broken the chains that tied you to her?
Do you feel you still see the world through "her "eyes?
Do you know what I mean? I am sure you do lol
Hi Ami. Yes, I do feel free of her, free from the vice grip of our ugly painful past. And her grip on me is loosened. It is there to the extent that she needs us, we are all she has, and she is hanging on to us. In light of all of this it is a different reality, so I don't see life through her anymore. I was able to stop doing that just recently (a few years), but if I had to have contact with her or the possibility, I would get anxious and it would all come back until I meditated long enough. PHEW, I don't want to think about that baby. IP: Logged |
tenny22
Knowflake Posts: 465
From: USA
Registered: May 2011
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posted September 14, 2011 12:13 PM
Hey Ami: Was thinking of you and wanted to send a smile your way Hope all is good with you. I'm hanging in there  IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 20095
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted September 14, 2011 04:27 PM
quote:
Originally posted by tenny22:
Hey Ami: Was thinking of you and wanted to send a smile your way Hope all is good with you. I'm hanging in there
I am doing much better. Thank you for asking. What about you? Please, write me and tell me what is going on,Baby 
IP: Logged |
tenny22
Knowflake Posts: 465
From: USA
Registered: May 2011
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posted September 14, 2011 05:14 PM
quote:
Originally posted by Ami Anne:
I am doing much better. Thank you for asking. What about you? Please, write me and tell me what is going on,Baby
Glad to hear you are good. I'm about the same. Mom status the same (I'm starting to feel a tinge of guilt), Libra status the same (I'm starting to feel a tinge of loneliness). But keeping myself upbeat, I'm realizing that I'm only human, and since school has started back, I'm focusing my day to day on being a mommy so that I can keep some balance and not affect the poor child with mommy's upside-down life LOL!! On another note, I've been making a little headway with my astrology studies. I'm attempting to interpret a first meeting chart (mine and libra). It's very very difficult, but I'm plugging through it  When I'm satisfied that I've interpreted all that I can, would you mind if I put it in a post on this thread for you to look at? I've been reading over your initial reading for me and I've decided to cool my heels and give the nessus situation a minute to work itself out. I am rather short on patience but I'm willing to see it through. Regardless to what the end result is, I'm starting to feel like I just want to get it over with. I've got a new mantra... "why substitute when you should upgrade?" IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 20095
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted September 16, 2011 11:45 AM
Of course,Darling
I will help, all that I can!------------------
Do You Think This Psychic Is Cute?
http://www.mychristianpsychic.com/
IP: Logged | |
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