posted August 05, 2004 09:28 PM         

btw, I find it amusing for Deep to refer to me as "she". I guess I really have made the crossover to drag queen.

But don't count me out, people- I feel a major essay on my current mental/spiritual state brewing within me. It will materialize soon.

lovelovelove
Sheeba

posted August 06, 2004 02:38 AM         

I'd like to hear about your mind's state. Mine has changed quite a bit to. But by all means: Let's hear yours.

posted August 10, 2004 10:36 PM         

I`ll wait patiently

juniperb

posted September 13, 2004 03:14 AM         

When I discovered Linda's writings, I latched onto them right away. I still don't know why; maybe I was feeling unusually gullible. It might have had something to do with my then religious state: my mom was doing her best to force me to become a Gnostic Christian, and I was rebelling violently against it because I absolutely hate having anything forced on me. Also, Gnosticism is (by my standards) a pretty silly religion. It didn't help that the priestess... pastor.... whatever she was, was a tad... hmm, how shall I say? Like this: I could quite easily imagine her in the fourth century A.D., striding around a basilica in gold-plated armor and wacking sinners' heads off with a sword. She was that kind of priestess. Together she and my mother conspired to have me first baptized, then confirmed, both ceremonies full of weird Gnostic ceremony which would have scared any ordinary Christian rather badly. I actually did not want to be baptized at all- why? Because my mom had basically declared that I had to be. We went so far as to have a very serious meeting over whether I should be baptized or not, and the argument, "I don't want to" didn't seem to be good for much. I think I recall the priestess saying something along the lines of, "Now that you are old enough to procreate, you need to be baptized." The first part of that thought was uncomfortable, the second part simply didn't make any sense. But what did my objections matter? I was baptized anyway.

And then I stumbled into Linda Goodman's Star Signs in a library- a happy coincidence- and I was hooked. First the astrology, and then everything else. It actually took me a few reads through to convince myself all of it was true. But eventually I was convinced, and for about a year my life was a weird foray into Linda Goodmanism. I found this site and joined it, under a different name than my current one. I experimented with immortality exercises, before realizing I was too young to really want to look younger (though one day, I think I might have aged myself back to twelve by accident. I quickly aged myself forward again ). I attempted to contact every higher Self or Being I could think off, and was absolutely unsuccessful. I tried Sylvia Brown past-life regression and decided that I must have Sennacherib. It rather made sense at the time. I of course tried to develop my psychic powers, which came to very little. And I developed some thouroughly ungrounded ideas about Atlantis and extra-planetary races, which I now cringe at the thought of because they were simply so unfactual. So I was for a couple of years, attributing everything to karma and giddy at the thought of the impending Age of Aquarius.

I don't know precisely when I bumped into cynicism, but whenever it was it broke my nose. I think the first block in my tower of faith to collapse was Atlantis. After quite a lot of very dedicated research, I changed my mind and concluded that there simply wasn't much credible evidence for Atlantis having existed. So Atlantis goes back to its watery bed. Next go the angels, the Higher Selves, the word elves, and every other semi-mythological creature Linda seems to have believed in. I mean, since when do they exist? They have to be taken on faith. After researching extra-terrestrials for even longer than Atlantis I concluded that they would simply have to wait. The jury is still out. Psychic powers took their hits, thanks mostly to Sylvia Brown (what a fake) and all her siblings in fraud; and then, waiting at the top of the pyramid to be taken down was God.

It wasn't quite like that. It was not at all systematic, oh no anything but; I just lost the faith little by little until there wasn't a whole lot left. How do I know, I wondered, if angels really exist? Have I ever seen them? Do I know anyone who has? The answers, backwards, are no, no, and I can't. So much for angels. But it went much like that, until I found everything I used to believe in slightly ridiculous. Notably, I have never completely lost faith in the immortality ideas. I never completely believed in them either, but hey, that is something I can do myself (in forty years), and it would be really nice to live forever. So that one also gets to stick around. But all that about north-south polarities? Honestly. Israel beat Lebanon in '82, and anyone with a compass can tell which one should have one won. Lebanon, of course, because they are in the Northern Hemisphere and Israel is to their south. Those Israelis, breaking every rule, t*sk.
The one exercise I can remember with any success was my experiment in trying to make my hands argue with each other. It in fact worked very well - by giving each hand a pen, I could decide my feelings on any given issue. Sometimes it was just fun to watch, especially when they cursed at each other.

So anyway, collapse of belief. And then I met a certain eventually friend to-be. This friend taught me to be cynical, to be logical, to be objective. I'm much better at these things than I used to be. And being cynical, logical, and objective has led me to the conclusion that God may not exist. I can't prove God does, you can't prove God doesn't. Stalemate. Impasse. We're stuck. Pick whichever one you prefer, and you have a 50-50 chance of being right. And that really did spell doom for religion or spirituality because, without a deity, what is religion left with? And where is spirituality?

posted September 13, 2004 03:45 AM         

Did I mention that before, when the Gnostics were trying to baptize me, I seriously considered atheism as a way to annoy them? I was close, and then Linda dearest saved me. This time around I didn't even bother with atheism. I just became an agnostic. This is probably when I came up with the motto, "The meaning of life is existence". Then I thought I could reduce the world to an interplay of hedonism and power. Maybe I did. Fortunately no more.

The problem with that attitude is that it doesn't leave one much to cling to. In fact, it leaves one feeling rather rotten. Hedonism and power. The meaning of life is fcuking endlessly, pleasure, money, taking advantage of other people, being a bi.tch and a basta.rd, etc. etc. I never got very far with this- Gnostic training does give one at least some moral direction, you see- but it was set of ideas I took seriously for a while. If there is no God, and therefore no Heaven, and therefore no Afterlife, why don't you go for it all right now? What does it matter what you do, if it gets you to the top? Do whatever you have to do. There is no right and wrong.
Rather bleak, isn't it? I don't know, maybe that is what life is all about. If so, I'm just going to have to abstain, because once ingrained, Christian morality don't come out easily. And, oh yeah, I got way to much Christian morality for any of y'all to handle! [don't you love how I make that sound dirty? Actually I don't, just kind of lame... ;( Anyway, moving on-]

So I hammered on the anvil a bit, and this is what I cam up with. There may- or there may not be- a god. Nobody frickin' knows. The existence of anything, however, is besides the point... I think I have found a mode of existence which is simultaneously at least somewhat moral, yet not theistic.
And now I have to reject that. No 'modes of existence' for me.
The point is, I am neither an atheist, nor a theist, nor an agnostics. To me, God is besides the point. Maybe I'm trying to prove that I can do it without His help (sorry to all the women, but to me God would most definately be male- not sexism, just personal preference). Maybe He does exist. In fact, I rather hope so. But I'm not leaning on God for anything. This is my world, and I can bloody well manage it by myself.

Second, there is such a thing as ethics. Good behavior. Avoiding hurting people except when necessary, be logical about it- "If I cheat Clyde on this, what's to stop him cheating me on that?" If both Clyde and I agree not to cheat, then we're all good. So yeah, it's kid stuff, but it forms the base for good ethics.

Third- Death is a gift. Read some of J.R.R. Tolkien's work and you will understand why (Tolkien is, btw, a huge influence on me). It is a gift which is to be accepted only when offered, not taken prematurely, and not shied away from. I am a touch fatalistic about these things. There are many things I would risk my life for, and if I lost that would be perfectly all right. I don't know what comes next. I'm curious- not eager, but curious.
Death is, in a way, better than eternal life. And we foolish humans are still afraid of the dark.

Fourth, stoicism. Take it like it comes. "Never give up, never surrender!" And if you lose, well, fight to the bitter end and be honorable about it.

And all that crap about morality. There is no morality. There is no right and wrong. There are only things people do, things people want or need or have to do. I am, if you haven't guessed, talking about sexual morals. Those Christian values are doing their best to stay put. Moderation is of course very well and good, but never let the world "Immorality" be heard again. What silliness.

God, I have decided, is the unknown. God is a mystery, God is the X factor, God is chance and coincidence and everything you do not understand. God has no opinions. He has no requirements. Opinions and requirements are for humans to make up and impose on each other. God really doesn't care that much. God is the Universe.

Magic, I have decided, may not be completely bogus (astrology is, but I like to dabble in it anyway). Magic is fun, let's keep it for the curiosity value.

Reason is supreme.

posted September 13, 2004 03:49 AM         

Thanks for provoking that spiel. I needed it.

posted September 19, 2004 05:17 PM         

just trying to get your attention

posted September 19, 2004 11:19 PM         

All that was in you and needed released. Sweet relief to give form to where you`ve been.

Now tomorrow really does come and you can build on your experiences for an inspiring one.

Your Path will be lit w/passion, I simply ask you remember your as well as your intellect It is within your heart QOS will shine.

Thank you for sharing, you are an inspiration to all who seek.

posted November 01, 2004 04:41 PM         

Jesus Christ. The election is tommorrow.

How are you, juni? Where can I find you? Should I spend more time in Free-for-All?