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Author Topic:   A dream about mommy horses?
pixelpixie
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posted February 29, 2004 12:27 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for pixelpixie     Edit/Delete Message
Last night, I went out and got 'tipsy'... well, my dreams were certainly interesting ..... I thought I'd share some images from them....
My brother was with me ( we'd gone out that night, so that makes sense) We were driving down a hiughway, and we had to stop and get gas... so he suggested we go down a different road (which wasn't familiar to me at all) because we coudn't turn around on the other one.. that was his reasoning. So we went down this country road... a little up ahead, was a clearing of trees. We just about stopped, as up ahead through them were horses being run across the road... a huge herd of them, there was an explosion.. of dirt and grass and debris, though it didn't make a lot of noise.. I guess the explosions were to move the horses along or something.
We were now out of the car. The horses were frantically getting across the road, and I heard some workers (farmers?) say they kept trampling the little ones.... well, I didn't see that, I could only see the big ones, and I kinda' 'scanned', like you can do in dreams, and saw close up all the little baby horses that were dead or being trampled. This was disturbing to me, I thought to myself, if they would just stop freaking them out with the explosions, and let them go their own pace, they wouldn't have to trample their babies. We were now on a country path, still making our way somewhere, and alot of the horses were now settled in the field.. the same one our path was on, so we got to really look at them. I couln't believe that the baby horses were now the size of... little lizards or something. Tiny, very tiny, next to their mommies... and so cute.
Then I saw a little closer to us, in like a pen, right beside the path, some even smaller ones, and then realized these must be dwarf ponies.. separated from the rest. One of the bigger (mommy?) dwarf ponies approached me, and at first I thought, how cute, and then a sense of wariness... as she had all her little babies with her, so I thought the nature of the beast might make her think I was trying to harm them.... The pony sort of morphed from a regular pony to an almost lizard like creature.. plated armour, but standing on hind feet, it was yellow in colour, and kept approaching me.
My brother pointed out that I should protect my daughter, who was in my arms, although I can't remember her being in the dream before that point. I sort of thought to my dream self---"what is your bother saying that for.. you should know instinctively to protect your children!" Almost admonishing myself. I woke up.

I quite understand the feelings and the end part of the dream. I am going through a very unsettled time, and have been for a while, so it is hard to integrate my mom self, with my woman self.. they have become separate things in me, and I quite abhor the women that embrace motherhood so much that they lose the sexy sensual playful person they were before the kids... there is room for both.. down the middle line. However, I fear that my freedom veers to much down the other side of the line. I chose to have babies, I did it young, and now that I am at an age when most just start thinking about partners and motherhood in a real way, I have been doing it quite a while, and only now am I discovering the person inside me.... and she doesn't want limits. Everything in my life limits me. I feel like i am not fulfilling the incredible passion and potential I have inside me, and the ways that can concievably lead me there are ways that require more freedom. So, those are my thoughts on the significance of all the mommy horses... If you have a better/different take on it, I would love to hear it.. of course, I respect all opinions, and appreciate if mine were also respected... you know? These are heavy, hurtful things I am feeling.. and I realize the 'bad' in them.. I am guilty for many reasons... but also happy for many as well. Duality....but not Balance.

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Ra
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posted February 29, 2004 04:32 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Ra     Edit/Delete Message
Hmmm ... yes, I think you are onto the dream's meaning. Horses are also symbols of freedom, so that is very appropriate. I will take this dream with me to work tomorrow night and give it some more thought. (no time for thinking right now!)

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pixelpixie
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posted March 01, 2004 02:06 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for pixelpixie     Edit/Delete Message
Thank you, I would truly appreciate your words!!!!
Truly!

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Ra
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posted March 02, 2004 04:04 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Ra     Edit/Delete Message
Hey Ms. Pixie

"what is your bother saying that for.. you should know instinctively to protect your children!" Almost admonishing myself.

Your subconscious literally translated the entire dream in that statement. I have run out of time today, but I will come back tonight and give you my thoughts on the symbols. I think they will make a lot of sense to you.

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pixelpixie
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posted March 02, 2004 05:55 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for pixelpixie     Edit/Delete Message
***jumps up and down in her chair!!***

Can't wait!!!!

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Ra
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posted March 03, 2004 05:23 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Ra     Edit/Delete Message
I hope you can wait until this afternoon ...

And don't get too excited, all I am going to do is tell you what you already know.

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pixelpixie
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posted March 03, 2004 08:33 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for pixelpixie     Edit/Delete Message
Even better!!! Just reinforcement!!
and ooooh~ I am working tonight, so I will be outta' here this afternoon... *pooh* so I will have to check back this evening very very late.

Who needs sleep? Well, you're never gonna get it, Who needs sleep? Tell me what's that for Who needs sleep? No, You're never gonna get it, this guy's been awake since the second world war....

Stll excited though!!!

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Ra
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posted March 03, 2004 03:48 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Ra     Edit/Delete Message
Instead of detailing how all of the symbols fit into the dream, and into your life, I will give you the meanings of the main symbols (as I see them) ... I am sure you will recognize how they fit.

highway - your primary life path.

need gas - need for a particular energy/fuel.

different road - "detour"; secondary or temporary path - a "road less travelled" by you. Your brother with you indicates the "go out and get tipsy" "path". This is the "fuel" that you feel you need. Kind of like an escape or vacation from your usual life.

horses - often a masculine symbol, but here representing maternal instincts and freedom, and the resulting conflict. There are also possible sexual connotations.

explosions - sudden acknowledgement or awareness.

baby horses - your children.

lizards - primitive or instinctual actions/reactions/feelings.

dwarf ponies in pen - limitations of freedom/sexuality. Diminished feelings of freedom.

mother pony morphing into yellow lizard - this represents your diminished freedom/sexuality/mother-energies (dwarf pony) and the confines that you find yourself in (pen) as well as some of the guilt you are feeling concerning your motherly duties. Your instincts, or your primal urges (lizard/fulfilling the passion and potential inside you) are welling up from within, directly conflicting with your "duties" as a mother. Yellow is often associated with awareness or enlightenment, but in this case represents fear and caution. Your subconscious is kind of warning you not to let this "lizard" energy overtake your mom-self.

Duality indeed, but balance is necessary. You are right, there is room for both of your Selves.

If you re-read the dream after reading these meanings, I think it will make much sense.

What do you think?

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pixelpixie
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posted March 04, 2004 12:30 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for pixelpixie     Edit/Delete Message
I think you are gifted and awesome.
That's what I think.
Thank you!!

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Ra
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posted March 04, 2004 05:10 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Ra     Edit/Delete Message
Thank you for sharing your dream.

As the metaphysical teachings tell us, what we see in another is a reflection of self, so truly it is you who are gifted and awesome (but you knew that already). Your children are fortunate to have such a caring and open-minded mother, and you are caring and open-minded, else we would not be having this conversation. Do not be too hard on yourself, after all, you are human.

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pixelpixie
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posted March 04, 2004 08:17 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for pixelpixie     Edit/Delete Message
Thanks again for your inspiring words.. but I wonder how gifted and awesome can I really be, if I seek that outside of myself, for validation? I am great at giving.. advice and all else, but taking? Other than the selfish aspects inherent in giving.. the awareness of karma doesn't allow me to separate the two.. It's like Christians 'converting' or 'witnessing'; in the name of God.. it is at the core, selfishly motivated.
I appreciate words that are as true as the moment dictates, resonating around my mind, wanting to grab a foothold, but fear that they go elsewhere, and I need a refill through validation constantly. It has come through myself, once or twice.. true confidence..... but mostly, I live by the idea that what you put out there, you will eventualy be.. but it is such a brittle facade, dependent less on spiritual development than ego.
Now this has become a spiritual voicing board. hehe.... just remember, as you said~ What you see in another is a reflection of self.... but sometimes what you put out there is as reflective as what you receive. And as open to interpretation.
Your dream analysis spoke to me. It really did, and yes, it was validating, to a degree, but you saw more than I was willing to admit.... Thanks for the words of caution and insight.

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Ra
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posted March 05, 2004 04:25 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Ra     Edit/Delete Message
Very well said. You have a poet's heart.

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pixelpixie
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posted April 13, 2005 12:31 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for pixelpixie     Edit/Delete Message
Over a year later.
I have been dreaming of losing my children.
I will be having a normal dream, and suddenly, I will realize that my daughter ( the younger one, and frankly, more emotionally volatile and vulnerable)is gone.
The newest one is she was outside in the ice and snow,(though it is finally spring) and she left a trail of toys and various clothes strewn all through out these caves of ice, and I yelled back to the house if she were in there, and then couldn't find her amidst the mess. I wanted her safe.
Another one, actully, a frantic chaotic one that happens frequently, is she will run in front of a car. I am there, and sometimes I reach her in time. Sometimes I don't.
This is a rambling poem.

"Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away"
And then yesterday they came back with a blistering burn in my belly
scorched my teeth and I was seething with a madness
unbelievable and shameful
I kept to myself as to word them... to put a voice to something so unstoppable
might have stopped it
the finality of words
flung out viciously
as I flung out my feet and kicked like a sobbing child at the dollhouse that was my inadequacies
I heard you never really outgrow your actions as a child.
They are hardwired
and
inate
I was a horrible child
(so I hear)
I can't really remember
just the visions I get when I relate my who-I-am-now
with the story of who-I-was-then
the girl with the curl
when she was good .. you know the rest
I was horrid.
I am seeing this in my progeny
I understand what it is to love so deeply this perfect being
and to see that who-I-was with my own eyes
how do you resent yourself
how do you stop the sensitivity when you want to reach out in understanding
and instead rend your words with venom
you want to say I know baby just hold my hand
but when she hits you in the head
when you can't reason
when logic is dead
the best thing to do is to walk
and kick at things instead of kicking at those you love
like you can't love yourself
so some words were spent in the air
some words landed brazenly and wounded my little bird
words like
I want to leave
I can't do this
I hate that you are like this
but I am the adult, not hardwired, but hard-earned
learned and faded
and worn
and tired
my eyes focus on the sweetness that looks up at me
after her stormy sea
her tempest turns into a sharp piercing in my heart
that had no armour to begin with
and her hand reaches tenderly up to cup
my cheek as if it is hers
and not separated by years and tears
this rendering of all my great gory bits
my stupid guilt trips
and her sweetness rips
at my body
like the bruises I amassed
after her thrown book took a pass
at my face
these bruises will fade and her actions are made
long after the tempers have vanished
leaving this dull ache in place
and my spirit feels so famished
If she knew the struggle I walk
if she knew what I overcome to be her rock
maybe she could undo those tendancies
to be temper crazed and mad
to put a voice to something so bad
that it rocks my very being
it negates all the goodness I was seeing
so when I say
I want to go away
I mean it
God help me I mean it.
I love her enough to spare her my feeble attempts
at righteousness
she means more to me than
choked back apologies and one sided steep hills
that go on indefinately
and my mismatched shoes navigating unseen holes
I am always falling
and she needs more than I can provide

But then I look inside
and though I see I mean it
those heart-vicing realities
there is no one who could
walk this path with such knowledge
so we falter together and go on with these shoes
the same ones worn by another
by my mother
the fairy tales told were half truths and faded
(and certainly, growth with me would feel a little jaded)
My eyes have lost their edge today
the verve just up and went away
the reality is flippant
and when the tide comes in again
maybe I will have lost more reserve
But still I will serve
you can't divorce yourself of what you really really want
so much you can't see clearly
beyond the soaked cheeks
and the cloth you weep into
as you envision life beyond feeling
as you envision the peace it would be to shut it off
shut it off
shut it off
when it is gone
what greets you?
What calls you mommy and meets you?
What sparkling laughter defeats you?
oh I am dangerous to myself
putty and marshmallow soft
to those who I have lost
in my belly
in the deepest parts of my motherhood
in the darkest depths of my something good
I am lost to being understood
and resign myself to standing here
resisting fear
Just staying here
and being near
and seeing clear
for a brief moment before the next wave hits
and I am thrown off by a fit
that didn't come from me
but came from me
and to write it so dispassionately
so indescriminately
still it will be
my own fit thrown in caution
with fingers and not true words
that can bite the tender skin of one so young
who has only just begun
to know the ways
and to shine her own rays
like a Sun
*or a daughter*
of one
who knows
.................

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Ra
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posted April 14, 2005 01:24 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Ra     Edit/Delete Message
Wow, that's quite a poem ... tells a lot.

These dreams certainly reflect anxiety. Oftentimes these types of dreams can manifest when there is something going on in our childrens' lives that reminds us of, or brings to the surface, something about our own childhood. Or it could be that you are feeling less than adequate about your parental abilities. Or both.

The symbols in the dream suggest "frozen" emotions, or some sort of energy that is not flowing properly in relation to your children, and/or yourself. What is your concern? Why the anxiety? Are you concerned that you cannot do enough for them? Or are you concerned that they may experience certain things the way you did when you were a child?

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pixelpixie
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posted April 15, 2005 02:24 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for pixelpixie     Edit/Delete Message
Ummmm..
gee, this might be long. I don't expect you to read it.... But I take it as therapy, so don't mind me. Well.... my little one is challenging. She is also the sweetest bumpkin ( and she means every word, it drips out of her body, this incredible love and compassion ) In a nutshell, she is me. I don't want to say I don't like me.. although sometimes I really don't, I think it is one of those human things...as long as X and Y are determined and met, in this circumstance, I will love me. Basically, I have very high standards with myself. Anyone else can do whatever, and I will understand, but I must be the best, or damn close.. it is a massive drive. Which is defeating, as of course I am rational, and I can't possibly be the best at everything, and not all at once. My daughter and I have some major karma to work through. No one has taken me to the highs and lows, and had such hold over me. She is only four, so I will not cannonize her nor demonize her.. she is simply a little girl, learning the world. Responding, challenging, learning. But I catapault her to these levels, as her affect on me is so huge. She is so much like I hear I was..... and I heard a lot. Apparently, I am a tad scarred about this image I have of myself. My mother and one of my grandmothers has repeatedly told me... (she never forgets any slight, simple or big, it is quite annoying to have to atone for something I did when I was six, and I can't remember, not even to mention it was out of context) See? I am defending myself.... well, anyway, I was this angelic little girl, with big eyes and a cute little button nose. But I am also a Scorpio. I raised a lot of hell at times, yet I would sincerely be a sweet little girl again.... maybe it was all children? I don't know, all I know is I have heard that I was a hell child. I don't remember it that way.
My own daughter, people will meet her once and fall in love. And really.. she is such a delightful creature. Her public image, and her image with her daddy, is something to see. I could tell stories of her honesty and compassion ( already!!) that would just make you go "awwwwwww" But then... usually for no reason, she will be intolerable. She only seems to do it with me. Mornings, when we try to get ready in a rush to get to school, I remain patient and loving... I understand what not to push.... don't sweat the small stuff and all that....
Actually, since she was in the womb, she's been beating me up.... it sounds funny, but really.. From the time she was learning the ropes of the world, she has thought nothing of expessing her displeasure by throwing, biting, kicking etc. We make it clear that it is not tolerated. And further, it is not by example.. I don't routinely smack my kids on the bum or anything.. It has happened, but we prefer the time out route, or removing them from the situation.. but there will be no situation, she is raging against me over something like.. "Can I please brush your hair" Or "Let's get these shoes on." It will excellerate instantly, so she is beyond temper tantrum.. she used to bang her head on the floor, and really try to inflict damage. It was scary.. when she was two, I'd literally, coccoon her, with my arms around her, try to soothe her, as my own nerves were becoming frazzled, yet still controlled.. and as soon as I'd let up, she'd promptly bite me, drawing blood... There have been so many times, so many.. she can't explain, once she is calm, why she did it.. what set her off, she just does these things. She will remorsefully touch my cheek, crying real tears of frustration that she has *yet again* done something to hurt me, and she means it.... Before I go further, I must say.. I do not guilt her, I try to overcome it, and just explain to her that she can't behave this way. I am very tolerant, as I know what deep emotions feel like.. I know how challenging it is to remain steady always... and I don't expect her to be perfect. I don't want perfect. But I do want to know I won't have a bruise on my forehead because she threw a book at me, over being a normal parent, and doing normal parent things. I can't get to the root of the problem, and my inability to be what she needs is frustrating as hell to me. On the same token, if I were anyone else, I'd have lost it long ago... she is seriously unbelievable. I don't want to resent her, she is me, after all.... I am the one who has to look at it with understanding and compassion, but I am also the one who finds solace in not being a parent. I relish my time alone... I need my time alone to unwind.. half the reason I can't sleep nights is to carve my own time, away from my overwhelming responsibilities to this beautiful child.
I need to leave, sometimes I really feel the self preservation response kicking in, and I am overwhelmingly guilty about that.
My son is great.. I honestly have no complaints. I have raised them similarily, they are just different kids.... so I know it isn't simply a matter of my parenting style... but still, I am being defeated, and parts of me want just that.
This is long enough already.. wow, sorry. I needed that.
sadly, I have more to say. But I will refrain now. Thanks.

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Ra
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posted April 15, 2005 04:00 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Ra     Edit/Delete Message
Wow. That is quite a spot to be in. I think a lot of mothers experience the "only with me" syndrome, but your situation is especially hard. I wonder why she gets that way? And you cannot be blamed for wanting to run away sometimes, but man, the guilt that goes along with that thought ... it doesn't seem fair for you to feel guilty for being human ... I would feel the guilt as well if it were me ... I suppose that is natural. To love someone so much, so deeply, and yet to experience so much pain and frustration in the process ... that totally sounds karmic. I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time. I can practically feel your pain through your words.

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26taurus
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posted April 15, 2005 04:07 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for 26taurus     Edit/Delete Message
((Pixie)) That sounds so hard. I am not a parent but I can empathize with you. Your daughter sounds like such a wonderful, special girl. And of course she is, she is pieces of you. I wish I had some magical advice. All I can say is keep doing what you are doing. Being the best mother you know how to be. Giving her all your love and trying to stay strong for her and yourself through these rough times. It is the toughest job in the world but also the most rewarding as you know well. Dont get too down on yourself. You are doing the best you can, that is all you can do. Like we were talking about in your thread in Yellow Wax, you are going through some major internal changes and transformations. With the lunar eclipse coming up you might notice this around female family members especially. Take it easy on yourself and others. I'm copying this quote from that article again. Just to remind you. "Chaos must come in and shatter it to smithereens in order to recreate and redraw it into something healthier and more positive for all of us. Just keep this in mind if this happens to you. The reordering is painful. But the end product can be beautiful and positive. "

Dont mean to go all astrological on you here but they are things to be kept in mind. It's my little way of trying to help.

You and she *will* be okay. I know you know that.

Sending Light your way.


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26taurus
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posted April 15, 2005 04:11 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for 26taurus     Edit/Delete Message
Yes, Ra. I was thinking the same thing. Very karmic. And painful. Pixie, you are a Scorpion, you are strong. You will *transform* this situation, get to the root, it's depths and you will both come out better for it.

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pixelpixie
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posted April 15, 2005 04:18 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for pixelpixie     Edit/Delete Message
Thanks to you both.
I was just saying over in yellow wax, that I couldn't sleep.. I tried, and so here I am again.. and then I find these great messages.
It helps even to share...
Because seriously.. I haven't really shared this with anyone. No one in my 'real' life could equate the child they see with the child I see sometimes. She isn't bad.. she is just.. I don't know. Confused? There isn't a word for it that I know, that would fully scope the things she and I are together. I don't want to give up on her. I think in ways, people sort of gave up on me.. or they thought I was tough enough to handle the truth.... I was different though.. I don't think I ever got physical with my mom.... Whatever, I am an adult now. but in so many ways, that struggling child is one I see every day. Maybe she is my tool for understanding.. but if I could only get through those tougher moments with that perspective.....
Anyway, I thank you for giving me an outlet for this.
I appreciate the care and advice.

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sue g
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posted April 15, 2005 12:11 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for sue g     Edit/Delete Message
Dear Pixie, I was so moved to read your story abour motherhood, and to relate to this. You are a very brave woman to open up like this, and you know I was feeling you were going thro something big and now we have more in common than I thought!!!! Now I know you wont need telling this pet, but it is so important to detach when you can - like with your singing (I sing in the pub once a week and it feels fab and I danced on my own last week - a jig, very joyful, very liberating). I think, like me you need that outlet. Our son Jacob was so challenging I thought he might kill me (emotionally I mean, he was never physical), but never slept , wouldnt eat, clung to me, argued all the time etc etc and now he is 6 its getting easier. They are very specia kids, but it is very tough going and its for life (aaaarghhh). I am so glad you can talk about this pixie. I am in my 40s and I still feel like a little kid at times and call for my mam, even tho she cant be there for me, so I go for healing when I can - shaman, reiki, massage, whatever. You can always talk your truth safely here - it can be a bloody nightmare - I am sure we are good mothers, but then as well we have to mother ourselves too - thinking of you, sending you love xxxxxx Sue xxxxxx

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Bluemoon
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posted April 15, 2005 04:43 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Bluemoon     Edit/Delete Message
HI Pixie! This sound like my daughter and I. She is 7 and a Cappy. She feel she has to question everything I say and can't wait to laugh at me when I am wrong. SShe can make me feel so angry sometime. She is very much like her father. Not at all like my son
We are still the best of friends. And he would never dream of saying some of the mean thing that come out of her mouth. I guess we just keep plugging away till we get it right.

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pixelpixie
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posted April 16, 2005 03:03 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for pixelpixie     Edit/Delete Message
Sometimes it is overwhelming, but honestly, I took a look at the calendar today, and I am just a drama-queen baby because I am Pre- menstrual. Not that I am downplaying, as it is something I continually struggle with.. but say, next week, I might just brush it off, and then wonder why it comes with such emotional ferocity same time next month.
Literally, a cycle.

Thank you for all the nice thoughts and camraderie.
See ya' next month with the same problem, right?

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26taurus
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posted April 16, 2005 03:20 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for 26taurus     Edit/Delete Message
Oh pix, tell me about it!! :O! I'm right there with you. One day youre down, the next day youre fine. Stooopid cycles! So annoying! I hear ya sista.

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Bluemoon
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posted April 16, 2005 07:38 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Bluemoon     Edit/Delete Message
I quite doing that! lol, I joined the uterus free generation.

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Azalaksh
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Registered: Nov 2004

posted April 16, 2005 09:05 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Azalaksh     Edit/Delete Message
pixie, your poem really touched me, it's wonderful. The wound is so raw, but it heals in the twinkling of an eye, doesn't it? When they rage at you, hurt you, then come to your lap and love you up with remorse, it's just a total soul-crusher. What an emotional roller-coaster. My son is nine, and being Aries-Libra, we have our disagreements. And there are still times when I lose my temper and my equilibrium and don't act very adult. And I tell him I have to leave or I will do or say something we both regret. This used to royally scare him (I would never leave the house, just leave the room he was in) -- the thought he could cause me to go away from him even a short distance. Now that he is older he doesn't freak out -- he actually gives me my space as though he knows he has pushed a button and pushed it too hard.
We moms all fly by the seat of our pants. I think we all have a certain amount of guilt....and wonder if we are scarring them for life....make hard choices and wonder if we made the right one. And there are many many times I would love to ditch this responsibility I have as a single mom with no tag-team partner to hand off to when I have reached the end of my rope and have to have Me-Time, but I find that a few minutes doing something I like (like visiting LindaLand, talking a walk or a long shower, reading a favorite book, stringing some beads) can rejuvenate me enough to go on. Soon enough this beautiful child won't need me walking beside him at all -- he'll be running far ahead and not looking back.
You are such a brave and perceptive soul, pixie, I feel honored to be allowed to connect even in a small impersonal way with you.
Love and Light,
'zala

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