posted December 28, 2006 10:21 AM         

Towards the top, I saw Mom, from whom I'm pretty much estranged, and we finished the hill together.

At the top was by a beach area that I live near, but the water was WAY too high, so that the waters were lapping up against the wall that we were standing by. I grabbed Mom's hand, fearing she would fall. When she asked me what I was doing, I said I didn't want her to fall and felt dumb that I thought she would.

And then she either fell or jumped. She vanished beneath the waves instantly and was gone.

posted December 28, 2006 02:50 PM         

Does she feel "out of her depth" with you at times....

Its funny when my mum was alive I had a similar dream except it was me who drowned, while she looked on

We never understood each other....she too was out of her depth with me...

I believe dreaming of water represents the emotions..

posted December 30, 2006 04:22 PM         

I'm on the same page as Sue.

Your mind has a "hard time" relaxing, finding peace (sleeping), because something is "bugging" you (vermin/distressing bugs).

It seems you would like, at least subconsciously, to "walk" more closely with your mother, to overcome the obstacles (hill) that have led to the estrangement.

Overcoming the obstacles includes facing "way too high" emotions, emotional energies that are "lapping up against the wall" that the two of you mutually face. You love your mother, but perhaps feel belittled by her, or insecure with her (want to help her but feel "dumb" doing so), and fear that the emotional rift between you could drown the relationship (she vanishes beneath the waves).

What do you think?

posted January 02, 2007 01:51 AM         

I've never been all that close to Mom or Dad. If I'd had my way, I'd have been raised by Granny (Mom's mom).

After the first time I ran away, at 15, and came home about 6 months later in pretty bad shape, she didn't ask me what happened. And I found out she didn't report me missing for fear of losing her child support. And Dad never found out, even though my 16th b-day had passed. That really hurt.

Last mother's and father's day, for the first time in years, I was kinda depressed over it. I usually just laugh it off, not caring. But I cared this year. It was kinda like if Mom and Dad couldn't care enough about me, how could I expect anyone else to? Silly enough, but the feeling was pretty strong then.

About a week before this dream I went to a Yule celebration and remembered the one I call my mentor and thought that if I could've CHOSEN who was my mom, I'd have chosen her. (It later occured to me that she never had kids, by her own choice...maybe being born the way I was was the only way to be somewhat and unofficially adopted by her?) I actually felt a pain of nostalgia over it, since I hadn't seen her except a couple of times briefly for 5 years. Perhaps this is a sign that I now need a mother figure for some reason?

And I recently turned 24. Maybe I'm finally seeing myself as an adult. I'm wanting to find a place where I can "settle in," and who knows, maybe start a family. Maybe that has gotten me to thinking on all this. If I become a mom, or at least "the adult," then what of the legacy before me?

I think if Mom genuinely wanted a positive relationship with me, I'd be open to it. Maybe even welcome it, though cautiously. But I don't think she really wants one.

I know she's had a hard life. Even Granny says as much, despite the animosity between them, and Granny accepts some of the blame for how she turned out. I do sympathize with Mom to a point. And I also worry about her getting old virtually alone as it looks like she's going to do. Maybe I'm even worried that she might hurt herself that way. She drinks enough, and I can't imagine how she can avoid a lot of depression given her life and addictions.

She's in another state. Granny (and a cousin in the same town as Granny) are about all the ones in my blood family I keep in touch with, and they're a few hundred miles away from Mom and Dad both. I asked Granny how Mom was doing this Christmas and she thought Mom was fine though she and Mom are pretty much on similar terms as I am with Mom. I think it hurts Granny more than it does me, and I do worry about Granny and care about her happiness.