posted July 02, 2012 12:16 PM            

I said, "Hey Noah, do you remember the official, scientific names for the bones of the body? Like, do you remember where the carpals and the metacarpals are?"

He replied, "Yeah. The CAR-pals are out in the garage. The META-carpals are up in the sky."

And he just kept on munching away while I basically fell on the floor laughing.

posted July 02, 2012 03:17 PM            

Little Susie is a drawing a picture in class. Her teacher comes up and says, "What are you drawing, Susie?" Susie replies that she is drawing God. "Nobody knows what God looks like, Susie," her teacher explains.

Susie keeps drawing and says, "They will in a minute, I'm just about done."

Next joke:

SO....a pastor is hunting in the woods, when, unfortunately, he encounters a bear. The bear sees him and starts running in the pastor's direction.

The pastor cries out, "Dear Lord!! Make this bear a CHRISTIAN!!"

Just then, a miracle occurs. The bear stops dead in his tracks, drops to his knees, claps his paws together and looks up at the sky. "Oh God," he says, "I am truly thankful for what I am about to eat."

posted July 02, 2012 05:19 PM            

When he graduates from medical school.

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Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal

posted July 02, 2012 05:30 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Xiiro:
A Buddhist monk walks up to a hotdog vendor and says, "make me one with everything".

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Cute!

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Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal

posted July 02, 2012 06:21 PM            

The man said, "Yep, sure do."

"Well, aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't."

Gnashing his teeth he demands to know why not.

posted July 02, 2012 06:25 PM            

The Pagan says, "But I don't believe in heaven."

Peter frowns at him. "You're one of those Pagans, aren't you?"

"Yes. I believe I'm in the wrong place. I'm supposed to go to Summerland."

Peter says, "Sorry. We took over Summerland, and it's temporarily closed for remodeling."

"What should I do now?"

Peter says, "Well, since we don't allow Pagans in heaven, you have to go to hell. Sorry. Just follow that path that leads downward and to the left."

The Pagan walks down to hell, where the gates are standing open. He walks in and finds beautiful meadows, happy animals, and clear streams of water. He walks on in and begins exploring, and after a few minutes a courtly gentleman walks up to him and bows politely. "Hello, I'm Satan. You must be the guy that St. Peter phoned me about. Are you a Pagan?"

"Yes, I am. What's going to happen now?"

posted July 02, 2012 06:36 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Randall:
A church associate knocks on the Pope's door and says, "I have good news and bad news." The Pope says, "What is the good news?" The associate exclaims, "Jesus is on the phone! He has returned!" "Oh, happy day!" screams the Pope. What could possibly be bad news on such a glorious day?" The associate mutters, "Um, He's calling from Salt Lake City." :laughng:

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ROLFL Love it

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Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal

posted July 02, 2012 08:17 PM            

Here is a link; I've seen it on several sites, though, and do not know the original author, but do not want to copyright-infringe--anyone knows the author, let me know!

posted July 03, 2012 09:45 AM            

Thanks for the jokes!

Okay, here's more:

quote:

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Some bloopers of biblical proportions written by Sunday School students of both the Christian and Jewish persuasion:

In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam & Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

Noah built the ark, which the animals came on in pears.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.

Sampson slated the Philistines with the axe of apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.

Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father.

The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached the UK. Then, Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the biblical times.

Solomon, one of David's sons, has 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus and the manager.

Jesus was born because Mary had an emaculate contraption.

St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.

He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.

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posted July 03, 2012 04:21 PM            

quote:

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Peter says, "Well, since we don't allow Pagans in heaven, you have to go to hell. Sorry. Just follow that path that leads downward and to the left."

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This is so funny. The demonization of the direction LEFT. That's like a joke in itself!

posted July 03, 2012 04:23 PM            

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Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal

posted July 03, 2012 04:56 PM            

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Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal

posted July 03, 2012 08:57 PM            

quote:

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Solomon, one of David's sons, has 300 wives and 700 porcupines

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posted July 03, 2012 09:21 PM            

I don't know any good, clean religious jokes, but this one came to mind when i read the thread title and tried to think of one....

not a joke, but a good saying:

______________________________

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in your garage makes you a car.
______________________________

one of my favorites.

Wish I had more time to read and post here, but I'm only taking short breaks right now.

posted July 03, 2012 10:00 PM            

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the Choose Life license plate holder, the What Would Jesus Do? bumper sticker, the Follow Me to Sunday-School bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

posted July 03, 2012 10:45 PM            

I didnt even think of it that way!

But I forget that most people don't have a very open sense of humor.....or they have a very hard time laughing at themselves, their quirks, or groups that they belong to.

Very sorry to have offended anyone here, if I did.

posted July 03, 2012 10:48 PM            

I think even Jesus would have.

It's said, that he, like most saints, had a killer sense of humor.

posted July 03, 2012 10:49 PM            

PJ, I know that in some churches, they do teach that stuff in Sunday School, along with stories about prostitution, rape, incest, brutal murder.

posted July 03, 2012 10:53 PM            

I was looking for a particular Bible quote on Laughter, but couldnt find it.

Here's one just as good:

quote:

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Laughter is the very essence of religion. Seriousness is never religious, cannot be religious. Seriousness is of the ego, part of the very disease. Laughter is egolessness.

Yes, there is a difference between when you laugh and when a religious man laughs. The difference is that you laugh always about others -- the religious man laughs at himself, or at the whole ridiculousness of man's being.

Religion cannot be anything other than a celebration of life. And the serious person becomes handicapped: he creates barriers. He cannot dance, he cannot sing, he cannot celebrate. The very dimension of celebration disappears from his life. He becomes desert-like. And if you are a desert, you can go on thinking and pretending that you are religious but you are not.

You may be a sectarian, but not religious. You can be a Christian, a Hindu, a Buddhist, a Jain, a Mohammedan, but you cannot be religious. You believe in something, but you don't know anything. You believe in theories. A man too much burdened by theories becomes serious. A man who is unburdened, has no burden of theories over his being, starts laughing.

The whole play of existence is so beautiful that laughter can be the only response to it. Only laughter can be the real prayer, gratitude. This Hotei is tremendously significant. Rarely has a man like Hotei walked on the earth. It is unfortunate -- more people should be like Hotei; more temples should be full of laughter, dancing, singing. If seriousness is lost, nothing is lost -- in fact, one becomes more healthy and whole. But if laughter is lost, everything is lost. Suddenly you lose the festivity of your being; you become colorless, monotonous, in a way dead. Then you energy is not streaming any more.

Laughter is a flowering. If Buddha was the seed, then Hotei is the flower on the same tree. If Buddha is the roots, then Hotei is the flower on the same tree. And if you want to understand Buddha, try to understand Hotei. And it is right that people used to call him the Laughing Buddha. Buddha has come of age in Hotei. Buddha has laughed in Hotei. Enlightenment has come to its very crescendo.

But it is difficult to understand Hotei. To understand him you will have to be in that festive dimension. If you are too much burdened with theories, concepts, notions, ideologies, theologies, philosophies, you will not be able to see what this Hotei is, what his significance is -- because he will laugh looking at you. He will laugh because he will not be able to believe that a man can be so foolish and so ridiculous.

It is as if a man is just trying to live on a cookery book and has forgotten to cook food; just goes on studying books about food and how to prepare it and how not to prepare it, and argues this way and that -- and is all the time hungry, all the time dying, and has forgotten completely that one cannot live on books.

That's what has happened: people are living on Bibles, Korans, Dhammapadas, Gitas -- they have completely forgotten that religion has to be lived. It is something that has to be digested. It is something that has to circulate in your blood, become your bones, your very marrow. You cannot just think about it. Thinking is the most superficial part of your being. You have to absorb it!
OSHO

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