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Author
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Topic: The Holy Gift of Laughter (humor & jokes)
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Vajra
Knowflake Posts: 1738
From:
Registered: Dec 2012
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posted June 18, 2016 03:18 PM
  
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mirage29
Knowflake Posts: 15191
From: us
Registered: May 2012
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posted June 18, 2016 03:47 PM
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PixieJane
Knowflake Posts: 9852
From: CA
Registered: Oct 2010
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posted June 18, 2016 08:21 PM
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PixieJane
Knowflake Posts: 9852
From: CA
Registered: Oct 2010
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posted June 22, 2016 06:36 PM
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mirage29
Knowflake Posts: 15191
From: us
Registered: May 2012
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posted June 23, 2016 03:10 PM
^ omg!! *Balloons, for HE HEElium!*(music) I Love To Laugh  (scene from Mary Poppins, 1964) [2:50] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1RTokqMhAuE IP: Logged |
PixieJane
Knowflake Posts: 9852
From: CA
Registered: Oct 2010
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posted July 03, 2016 01:51 AM
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anonymidarkness
Knowflake Posts: 8197
From:
Registered: Aug 2012
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posted July 12, 2016 11:09 AM
quote:
Originally posted by PixieJane:
A suicide bomber died and went to Paradise, as foretold.When he arrived there he said to Allah that he was ready to claim his 72 virgins, as promised. Out of curiosity he asked Allah why there were so many virgins in heaven. Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because people like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty. I shall banish you from Paradise should you fail!" The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?" Allah replied, "Who told you they were women?"
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anonymidarkness
Knowflake Posts: 8197
From:
Registered: Aug 2012
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posted July 12, 2016 12:31 PM
Father O'Reilly had taken up golf and was practicing on the church lawn while Sister McCarthy looked on. Father O'Reilly raised his club, and swung at the ball.
"Oh, $hit ! I missed," he shouted.
"Father O'Reilly," admonished Sister McCarthy, "God will be very angry if you use such language."
"Yes, Sister," answered Father O'Reilly. "I shall try to control my tongue." He raised his club for another try and swung at the ball. "Oh, $hit ! I missed," he shouted.
"Father O'Reilly, I am sure God will punish you severely if you say that again!" said the Sister.
"Yes, I will try especially hard next time, Sister McCarthy," said the priest. He raised his club again and swung at the ball. "Oh, $hit ! I missed," he shouted.
Just then a bolt of lightning flashed out of the sky and Sister McCarthy disappeared in a holocaust of flames. Then a great voice boomed from the sky. "Oh, $hit! I missed."IP: Logged |
Vajra
Knowflake Posts: 1738
From:
Registered: Dec 2012
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posted July 12, 2016 12:35 PM
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PixieJane
Knowflake Posts: 9852
From: CA
Registered: Oct 2010
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posted July 15, 2016 07:34 PM
During a Papal audience, a businessman approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken" and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities.The Pope declined. 2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again, this time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope declined. A month later the man offers 100 million, and this time the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format. "The good news is that we have 100 million dollars for charities. The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account." IP: Logged |
anonymidarkness
Knowflake Posts: 8197
From:
Registered: Aug 2012
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posted September 04, 2016 08:41 AM
The scene was the last Olympic Games. In the quarters of
the American wrestling team stood John Mack, the trainer,
warning his protégé, Mike ‘Bull’ Flamm, about the
forthcoming match.
“You know,” Mack said, “the Soviet wrestler you are about
to tackle, Ivan Katruvsky, is one of the greatest wrestlers in
the world. But he really is not as good as you are. The only
thing he’s got that makes him a terror is his pretzel-hold. If
he once gets a man in his pretzel-hold, that man is doomed.
He has used the pretzel-hold on twenty-seven competitors,
and in each case his opponent gave up within ten seconds.
“So, listen to me, Bull, you have got to be damned careful.
Never let him get you in that pretzel-hold. If he once clamps
you in it, you’re a goner!”
Bull listened carefully to Mack’s instructions on how to
avoid that crippling grip of Ivan’s. For the first three minutes
of the bout, neither the American nor the Russian could gain
an advantage. The crowd was on edge.
Then, suddenly, pandemonium broke loose – Bull Flamm
had fallen into the clutches of Ivan’s pretzel-hold and was
moaning in agony. Mack knew the match was lost, and he
left the arena in deep gloom. Down the corridor, the echoes
of Bull’s anguished cries still reached him.
And then, as Mack was about to enter his quarters, he heard
an enormous shout arise from the stadium, a cheer the likes
of which he had never heard in all his long experience. The
stands were in absolute uproar. From the shouts, Mack
knew that Bull had won the match, but he couldn’t
understand it. What could have caused the unthinkable
turnabout?
A minute later Flamm came trotting into the American
dressing room. His trainer threw his arms around him, and
said, “Bull, how in hell did you ever get out of that pretzel-
hold?”
“Well,” answered Flamm, “he twisted me into such shapes
that I never felt such agony in my life. I thought my bones
were going to break. And as I was just about to faint I saw
two balls hanging in front of me. With one desperate lunge, I
bit those balls. Well, Mack, you can’t imagine what a man is
capable of when he bites his own balls.”IP: Logged |
PixieJane
Knowflake Posts: 9852
From: CA
Registered: Oct 2010
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posted September 19, 2016 03:31 AM
NVM, just some comics that I initially found funny. Let me see if it goes anywhere before I share them.IP: Logged |
Randall
Webmaster Posts: 173535
From: I hold a Juris Doctorate (J.D.) and a Legum Magister (LL.M.)!
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted September 25, 2016 02:54 PM
Are you going to?IP: Logged |
PixieJane
Knowflake Posts: 9852
From: CA
Registered: Oct 2010
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posted September 25, 2016 10:53 PM
Naa, the comics fizzled out without going anywhere, IMO. But here:Nope. I just realized there was too much casual profanity in it. Let me see if I can find another...  IP: Logged |
PixieJane
Knowflake Posts: 9852
From: CA
Registered: Oct 2010
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posted September 25, 2016 10:54 PM
This one makes me wonder, what IS baptism like in the arctic circle?  IP: Logged |
PixieJane
Knowflake Posts: 9852
From: CA
Registered: Oct 2010
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posted September 25, 2016 10:56 PM
HAHAHAHA! I love this one:  Maybe later I'll share how I spooked the Jehovah's Witnesses back when I was as a kid. IP: Logged |
Randall
Webmaster Posts: 173535
From: I hold a Juris Doctorate (J.D.) and a Legum Magister (LL.M.)!
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted September 26, 2016 12:36 PM
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Randall
Webmaster Posts: 173535
From: I hold a Juris Doctorate (J.D.) and a Legum Magister (LL.M.)!
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted September 28, 2016 05:03 PM
I used to read their publication, The Watchtower. IP: Logged |
PixieJane
Knowflake Posts: 9852
From: CA
Registered: Oct 2010
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posted September 28, 2016 09:12 PM
quote:
Originally posted by Randall:
I used to read their publication, The Watchtower.
This inspires me to post that which I decided not to as I felt it had fizzled out before it got too funny (this is actually just half of it):  
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Randall
Webmaster Posts: 173535
From: I hold a Juris Doctorate (J.D.) and a Legum Magister (LL.M.)!
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted September 29, 2016 03:27 PM
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anonymidarkness
Knowflake Posts: 8197
From:
Registered: Aug 2012
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posted September 30, 2016 01:59 AM
Edited, probably vulgar, will post another one when I'm in the mood.IP: Logged |
PixieJane
Knowflake Posts: 9852
From: CA
Registered: Oct 2010
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posted November 07, 2016 01:45 AM
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Randall
Webmaster Posts: 173535
From: I hold a Juris Doctorate (J.D.) and a Legum Magister (LL.M.)!
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted November 08, 2016 11:49 AM
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mirage29
Knowflake Posts: 15191
From: us
Registered: May 2012
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posted December 11, 2016 03:44 PM
4 year old, and imposing nun, in a "real" conversation (topic) Dave Allen on Religion (comedy) [5:46] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jxo81Ok9Urk IP: Logged |
PixieJane
Knowflake Posts: 9852
From: CA
Registered: Oct 2010
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posted December 11, 2016 08:35 PM
^^Brilliant. IP: Logged |
Lindaland
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