posted August 01, 2011 09:18 PM            

It's this Pluto transit on my cap, I also got a packed 8th house, with my mars, jupiter saturn and north node hanging out there. I'm going through something fierce.

i hate everyone and everything. I hate my mom, even tho she's been sensing it. Hate my dad. Hate my kids, hate my husband, hate my Scorpio that broke my heart, and even hate his daughter that called me today, and texted me that she missed me.

I hate my religion, hate my self, hate what I've become, what I can become...

I just want to give up. Just roll over and die.

sassaqua, my broken heart is in the cultural sense i guess.

Lonake, and AstrologicalMan, agreed. I have many open doors that need to be solved or shut, and I don't plan to kill myself. Just wish for it.

Teasel, looks like you mighta wrote some stuff I missed...

Crabclaws, I'm muslim,but ramadan started today, and I bought myself a coffee. I am rebelling, for God knows what reason. I think it's God. I don't want him to give up on me, but I'm so torn.

MertSerimer and Leichien, I wish I could SEE what it is I'm supposed to transform. What could possibly change about me? Call me dense.

Amy Anne ((((AMY)))

Benedict Moon, I wish you would lecture me, I need some direction.

Mochai, right now, I see myself as a pitiful mess of a person. There is no strength. Just mess.

abcd efg I have nothing but time. I am going with the flow as they say, but my Cap is getting restless as nothing is being DONE by me, I'm driving myself crazy. And my Aries wants it NOW NOW NOW.

Racole, Anglerfish PiscesGirl and Rajji, thanks for the acknowledgement that I'm not alone here and the hug PG!

I'm not on the streets. I left my mom's house, because it was too tense. Too much pressure on me, and when I went to two shelters in decent areas of brooklyn, the smell of urine was the reason I decided that I had to go back to my husband. At least I have a home of my own.

he's made some strides, although not great. He got us a new apartment. (My Scorpio neighbor renovated the entire apartment for me, but then got new tenants...go figure) My husband got us new furniture, he's been trying to not blow up at me, I notice he watches his language and actions, he's been a bit (a lott for an Aqua) more tender with me. He's responded to my wish for more respect. He feels he has "forgiven" me for not going to Jordan. It's not fair, it's not his right to forgive, but he's got a massive ego, and he believes I wronged him.

we went to court on the 22nd of July, and the judge ruled that if within 60 days there are no more uproars, the domestic violence case against him would be dropped.
The police officer was there, and I felt he was disappointed in the stupid victim that forgives her abuser. He shrugged and wouldn't look at me. I know he's not going to do anything for me, but he was there at my worst. I felt bad, like I did the wrong thing.

So here I am, back to square one. But nursing a broken heart, as I was hurt by my Scorpio, who let a whole month pass without so much as a "how's everything" even tho he was all over my drama when it happened. I wonder about him, if he even loved me as he said, and why he amputated me, like I did something wrong.

I spend whole days trying to figure that out.

I'm in pain about my religion slipping from me. I know what I know, but I can't BELIEVE it anymore. I used to question things, now I dismiss.

What's the point of fasting (Ramadan) for a month each year? If you fasted one month of your entire life, you don't forget it, so why every year. I just won't fast at all anymore... My hand shook as I took my first sip of coffee. Then...I felt nothing. No guilt.

And I'm hating that too.

I feel like I want to die, just so I could stop sinning. So I could stop lusting after other men, so I could not have to pray and listen to my God, So I could not be married to a man that (just this morning) told me that he curses the day we married.

I forgot myself for a minute today, and I was smiling as I was playing with my children, and they asked "Mom, why are you happy?"

posted August 07, 2011 08:51 AM            

Edit: "I forgot myself for a minute today, and I was smiling as I was playing with my children, and they asked "Mom, why are you happy?" "