posted April 06, 2014 05:44 PM            

But of course, it couldn't be perfect, the last 6 months were a true challenge. I had to be at my best during my internship for the course's final project while dealing with my father's death. I still can't believe it happened everything together, I still can't believe he's gone. I wasn't the best company during the time, I was emotionally shattered.

Hoping to get a job there after my graduation I gave all I had, really. But it wasn't enough.

It's April now, I'm still unemployed. I lost count on how many CVs I sent and how many interviews I've been during this time.

Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer at the end of December. After some troubled doctor's consultations and surgery she's told she has to do chemotherapy (which wasn't supposed to back in December).

Both Mom and I have no income, she's also unemployed. My father was already retired but now, after 1 year, we are still dealing with bureaucracies regarding his pension.

My best friends are all studying abroad, I feel completely isolated.

My crush too, studying abroad. We've been messaging everyday, but last week I posted these lyrics which kinda gave away how I feel about him. He has ceased all contact since then.

Is there any transit/natal aspect in a chart that can give someone the urge to just disappear?

posted April 06, 2014 05:58 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by LoadedPistil:
Every time you have a negative thought, replace it with a good one. You've come this far. There are a lot more good moment ahead.

---

I second that.

posted April 06, 2014 06:22 PM            

Is tSaturn transiting your 12th house by any chance?

posted April 06, 2014 06:33 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by I'm so cappy:
I've felt suicidal for like 1/3 of my life and I'm still here. You can make it too. Dose yourself with some harmless form of escapism if you have to.

Is tSaturn transiting your 12th house by any chance?

---

posted April 06, 2014 07:07 PM            

That MSc degree will certainly pay off sometime. You will then be gaining a substantial amount of money and have quite enough to support yourself and your mother, I'm fairly sure.
Where I live, 50% of people do not even get their High School Diploma. That may be irrelevant to where you are, but that's 50%! I'm sure it cannot be a significant difference from where you are living. Even if it is, I'm positive not many people can say they have a MSc Degree in Engineering.
I am most likely very un-knowledgeable of how the market and demand is for Engineering, but it's a Master's Degree, it must pay off in some way. Otherwise, why would people bother to pursue it?

As for your father, I'm sorry to hear about that. But I have to be blunt; death is a part of life, and no matter how much we grieve over a loss of someone, it will not bring them back. So it's better to focus on the memories you had with them, and consider them as a part of YOUR life. And move on, but always keep those memories with you.
I lost my father also, last year in fact, so I can speak from experience from a close person passing away.

I'm also very sorry to hear about your mother. Hopefully the chemotherapy will be successful

Maybe you can try to make more friends for the time being. I'm not sure if that's easy to do, as I do not know your personality, but if you do and your other friends return from studying abroad, you can introduce your new friends with your other friends, and then you can all be friends!

As for your crush, if he doesn't contact you back soon, then I think you should just try and move on and find someone else. If he does not feel the same way about you, then you shouldn't either, right? That may sound easier said than done, but I can speak from personal experience on this one as well. I know the feeling, trust me. I had a hard time letting go, but thankfully, I did. And I am happier because of it. Find someone who will appreciate what you feel toward them - and who will embrace it, and give you the same feelings in return.

From what I read, you have made a lot of effort in your life. That Master's Degree, gosh, I'm jealous, haha. I'm still in High School, but I don't think I can do that. I don't have the patience as you do And the last 6 months your father passed as well. At the very end, you still pulled through it. I would think the end is really hard because it's a lot of effort within itself to stick with it that long and still be consistent. That's a lot of determination and strength, I'll tell you. So don't give up now!

Good things will soon COME to YOU, I promise.
Suicide is not the best decision. You are still alive, aren't you? Just try to enjoy the time you have in this lifetime, because it may be the only lifetime you will have in the Universe. I have thought about the philosophy of suicide, not necessarily committing it, but rather the strengths and weaknesses of it. But I realized it is better to live my life to the best of my ability. I hope you realize the same thing, or at least come to that reinforcing conclusion

posted April 06, 2014 09:41 PM            

I like to believe that there is always a path between the clouds, even if the sky falls down

posted April 06, 2014 10:01 PM            

Most suicides are unsuccessful which simply means additional hospital bills, additional shame, and let's face it, additional feeling of being a failure. Yea, no thanks. Even my extemely depressed mind could see the futility in that.

Who would care for 10+ years if I killed myself? Honestly, no one. Even my own mother would have to move on because no one can be sad forever. This is a fact. Back then, it shocked me. Now I get it. Every one else would have classified me as as a sad case of pathetic gone nuts. That's not who I wanted to be. Most people would have forgotten me completely. Not my end goal. I wanted to have love, happiness and a future.

I wanted to be everything I dreamed of. I couldn't because there were obstacles. So I sat down and told myself, maybe no one else gives a F, but I will. I would choose to be good to me. I would force myself to be everything I needed, even if I didn't know how. I analyzed my obstacles and channeled all my internal negativity towards the external obstacles.

You can obliterate your obstacles. You have to use all the willpower you have to overcome this silly suicidal business. Face it with some humor. You have to remind yourself that there were dreams before the despair came along. Use logic, erase emotional responses.

Remind yourself of the times you succeeded at something, no matter how tiny. And keep going until you teach yourself to think positively. You didn't become suicidal overnight. You won't get happy overnight either. But honestly, it's your choice. Do you want to put in the work to be happy? You can't say yes and then not do anything about it. You have to pick yourself up.

I forced myself to identify my negative chain of thoughts on paper. I narrowed it down to one word or phrase for each step. I identified which step took my thoughts from neutral to ugly negative. I rerouted my thoughts at that point. Every time, I wanted to go down sad route, I sidestepped to the other way.

Happiness was a foreign concept to me until I learned to be happy. But now, I don't know any other way to be. You'll get there. You have to push yourself to do it.

Therapy would help immensely. But if you can't afford it, meditate, do yoga, pray. Work out.

The best way to overcome despair is to engage in action that yields satisfaction. This was the most important lesson I learned.

I think I just rambled a lot. I hope some of it helps you.

posted April 06, 2014 10:20 PM            

------------------
Want To Ask Any Question About Bible Prophecy? Go For it. It is Free, of course.

posted April 07, 2014 12:11 AM            

Like you, I have studied for a long period of time, 6 years in Uni, another 6 in my residency. It can take a toll on you, especially if you're an impatient person like I am (mostly Fire). My grandmother died around my graduation.
I was suicidal 2-3 years ago. It had most to do with my first engagement ending and how - the b@stard announced me he's having a kid with someone else, but it was a bit more complex than that, let's say it was the final drop for me at the time. During that time I almost got into a car crash and I will always remember it because it was the moment I had one of my biggest epiphanies ever. In those racing seconds my life did not flash before my eyes, on the contrary, it went blank and all my strength gathered towards survival. I managed to avoid collision, stopped the car at the end of the road, gathered my breath and realized I don't want to die. I wasn't suicidal because I was done with life, I was suicidal because I didn't want to live that way, anymore. Suicide seemed like the only way out. It was like I was living someone else's life or master plan. I wasn't even sure who I was anymore and I felt stuck. I reached out too. Had therapy, had medication. It helped but what helped me the most was that epiphany. So, if I didn't want to live that way, I had to change it somehow. Of course you can't change everything - or, can you? Some things can get you started. A job would be perfect, how about looking for something a bit outside of your field, temporarily, until you solve your financial situation? I would start there. That crush of yours is not the last man on earth and I have news for you - they get better and better just imagine how gorgeous your next crush will be! Your mom will have chemo and get better. Breast cancer is curable.

You should put up your chart. Identifying the transit that is making you feel this way can feel liberating - it is only a bad time and this too shall pass. However, it is imperative that you fix the root of the problem as soon as you can to avoid feeling like this again. I think during my suicidal days Saturn was in Libra. I'm an Aries Sun, Mercury and Mars, those oppositions put me down badly.

Hang in there and keep talking to us!

posted April 07, 2014 12:19 AM            

The beginning still makes me teary eyed remembering the darkness I was in not too long ago and how hopeless it all seemed.

posted April 07, 2014 01:56 AM            

quote:

---

I am very glad you reached out ...AmiAnne

---

me too sweetheart, this will pass, just being able to talk about it will help.
We will always be here for you so don't hesitate.

------------------

posted April 07, 2014 09:26 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by LoadedPistil:
Every time you have a negative thought, replace it with a good one. You've come this far. There are a lot more good moment ahead.

ETA: I read Mars in the 12th house or badly aspecting your 12th house ruler. Mars is also retro, so I would also look to see if it is on your Asc.

---

Thank you for the kind words! I'm feeling a bit better now.

posted April 07, 2014 09:28 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Jo B:
Sending big hugs and best wishes.

Stick with it. Deal with one thing at a time. It WILL get better. Also... speak to a counselor if you can.

---

posted April 07, 2014 09:29 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by LeeLoo2014:
I second that.

Hello, Leoeve. We all have these moments. They are part of life. Do not give up. Life is full of trials, followed but beautiful, amazing moments. Life is endless and a precious gift. Sometimes when we suffer and are in a negative state, all seems to crumble down, nothing seems to work. But what goes down, always comes up. Positive thinking is your power. No one can take that away from you, you have total freedom in that, to think positively. And you will see it works

---

posted April 07, 2014 09:33 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by maira:
I have been through this in 2010. Yes, it is a transit, you should put up a chart. When were you born? My guess is that your chart is being hit by the Cardinal Cross, it should ease a little bit at the end of April.

You should know that I was rewarded for 'sticking it through', although I was so depressed that I couldn't even see the point in acting on my feelings, so I can't take full credit for that. Just 'show up' and it will pass, even if right now it does not seem like it will.

---

I'm thinking of Saturn squaring 4 of my planets.

17 August, 1987
20:55 pm, Paris (France)

I've read about the cardinal cross, but the last time I checked I think wasn't gonna be affected by..

posted April 07, 2014 09:38 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by I'm so cappy:
I've felt suicidal for like 1/3 of my life and I'm still here. You can make it too. Dose yourself with some harmless form of escapism if you have to.

Is tSaturn transiting your 12th house by any chance?

---

This is the first time I'm feeling this way... Always been over the top/contagiously happy, even when things started to fall apart!

Think my escapism right now is music...

posted April 07, 2014 09:46 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by NeptunianSag:
Ive been like this recently too, Pluto transitting my 3rd squaring my Jupiter in libra 12th, it feels I have lost everything, I don't feel like being in a sick society. I've got Saturn transit 2nd squaring Chiron in 10th, I just feel I don't belong, I've no interest in society and people in general. Infact, people are a source of pain right now. Chiron is currently opposing my moon, and my moon is inconjunct Saturn in 4th, I feel emotionally broken, people bringing back past pain of rejection. It feels as if no one is here for me, im pretty isolated and alone, but its just bad transits on top of one another. Your not alone <3

I'm a sag sun with libra asc, these transits are not compatible with how I am usually, I'm totally broken.

---

I'm so sorry to know about this... I'm also a fire sign, so I know about not feeling the way you're supposed to! Hope these transits pass quickly.